Reciprocal promotion: READ RogueCajun's "VH and the Totally Cliched Sequel" It, like, totally rocks havers! Valley-girl sqeal The squirrel commands it.

And, on a side-note, does anyone else think that Vanessa Carlton is crap? Just curious.

Carl's Sidebar

Carl: Hullo, and welcome to the new chapter of... whatever the heck this fic is called! I'm here to promote the nickname of "Dwenham" for David Wenham. According to Sarah at the Dessiccated Coconut site, "Daisy" is reserved for close friends and family and people who run Wenham-devoted websites. Don't ask me why.

Audience: Why?

Carl: (irritated) I said don't ask me!

Chapter Eight: The Real Costume

Aaaaaaand now we skip, still merrily, over to directly after that whole one-on-one thing between Anna and Van Helsing... you know, the one with all the cliched dialogue. The one where Anna sticks a knife in her boot (although the real story is she missed. The wrong way. And ended up with a knife in her foot. Anyway). The one where Carl seems to have disappeared somewhere. The one where Van Helsing ends up shooting her with some sort of Evil Nasal Spray. You know the one I'm talking about.

Anna slumped in Van Helsing's arms, having just received a face-ful of ENS (see above). Van Helsing looked down at her and apologized, even though he knew full well she couldn't hear him. Then, carefully, tenderly, and only banging her head into a few doorways and walls along the way, he carried her through the house and, after about ten minutes of searching, located her room. He had laid her on the bed and was staring at her when he noticed that she wasn't, in fact, breathing.

The resultant yell brought Carl scuttling from the tower library.

"What is it?"

"She's stopped breathing! What was in that Evil Nasal Spray you gave me?"

"A mild narcotic. She should be having kooky dreams, not not-breathing!" Carl bent his ear to Anna's mouth, then started performing ACPR (Antique CPR) which, apart from the usual, modern practice also includes hyperventilating from the idea of actually touching a woman. "How much did you give her?"

"All of it," said Van Helsing somewhat guiltily.

"All of it? Are you insane? Don't answer that. Just get me a knife."

"Are you going to hurt me?"

"I might," said Carl in a dangerous growl, "if you don't get me the knife fast enough."

"Okay," said Van Helsing, and yanked the knife out of Anna's foot. "Here."

"This one's all bloody!"

"I don't think she cares, it is her blood after all."

"What have you been doing to this poor woman, Van Helsing?"

"No, she did that herself. All I did was knock her out."

Carl muttered to himself and began to cut Anna's corset off. Years later this move was reproduced in "The Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl" a movie which had Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush but still very nearly sank under the weight of its enormously long title. The movie, some will probably say indignantly, also had Orlando Bloom, but the Writer would like to say that the only interest Orlando Bloom holds for her is he probably knows David Wenham.

Van Helsing watched him interestedly.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Cutting her corset off, what does it look like?"

"It looked like you were doing that move from "Pirates of the Caribbean."

"Shut up," commanded the friar, brandishing the knife at him. Anna was now free of the corset, and Carl began once again to administer ACPR, and trying not to think about it.

"Let me try," said Van Helsing.

"I said shut up!"

A good ten minutes later Anna was breathing again, though extremely blue in the face. She drew deep ragged breaths, and Carl pulled a blanket over her considerately.

"What do we do now?"

"Well, I'd suggest we not be here when she wakes up."

"Why not?" Van Helsing wanted to know.

"Because A, you're the one who knocked her out in the first place and she's liable to be rather ticked off about that, and B, judging by the lack of closet in this room we have just destroyed her only costume. If I were her I'd be rather ticked off about that, as well."

"If you were her," said Van Helsing, and thought about this for a while. "You wouldn't be allowed in the Vatican."

"True," agreed Carl, shooing him towards the door.

"If she were you— she'd be blond."

"Van Helsing, you're beginning to dribble. You must remember to close your mouth occasionally."

"If she were me, she'd be hot."

"Quite. Now get out of my way."

"What do we do now, Carl?"

"She did say she had a wine cellar around here somewhere, didn't she?"

Quite some time later, when Anna awoke, she was indeed seriously ticked off. She also had to spend the rest of the movie in a loose t-shirt she borrowed from Velkan's room. She wouldn't have minded this quite as much except it made her look chubby and also had a picture of Madonna on it.