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Chapter Nine: The Real Confusion in the Kitchen
Backtracking slightly—
It was a dark and stormy night. The weatherman predicted snow, and then rain, and then snow again before it decided to rain some more, with undercurrents of definite weather showing up at the northeastern end of Transylvania, and a small cloud of dissension and smothered sexuality centered directly over Carl.
Anna woke up and said, "Get out of here!"
"Fine," said the weatherman, a bit defensively, "I was just doing my job."
"Well, do it somewhere else! Push off!"
The weatherman made a face at her and pushed off.
Anna thought deeply for a moment. Her sleep had been restful and quiet, apart from a rather frightening dream about squirrels. It took her quite a while to figure out why she felt so irritated.
"Squirrels!" she said angrily. Then— "No. Van Helsing!"
She swung her legs off the bed, stood up, and fell down immediately. Her head was reeling. Also she was extremely worried about the fact that the only thing clothing her torso was a shirt with Madonna on it.
She decided to lay down again and have a nice nap.
Some hours later, Van Helsing and Carl were having a cup of tea in the kitchens because they had been unable to locate the Manor Bar. They were irritated and sober and irritated because they were sober.
"I miss the Vatican," said Carl, and sobbed.
"Do you suppose this Dracula really can turn into a bat?" asked Van Helsing thoughtfully.
"I don't know. Why?"
"Because if he can— he could fly, right?"
"Presumably."
"Then he's like a— batman, right?"
"I suppose."
"Then why doesn't he use his powers for good instead of evil?"
Years later this premise was unaccountably stolen and turned into a series of hit movies, two of which were directed by Tim Burton and starred Michael Keaton, and two of which were crap. We hear that another one is coming out, in fact we have seen the preview, but we remain supremely doubtful.
Van Helsing and Carl looked at each other. "What a silly question," they said at the same time.
"Good instead of evil?" repeated Carl. "What kind of goody-two-shoes are you?"
"Well," said Van Helsing, " I do work for the Vatican."
"So?"
"You're right. Shall we go search some more for the liquor cabinet?"
"No, lets just be sober for a while."
They sat still and silent for thirty seconds.
"Alright," said Carl. "Now lets go look for the liquor cabinet."
But at that precise, exact, accurate, certain, dead-on moment, Anna entered. She was breathing fire, smoke emitted from her nostrils, and small horns were growing up through her hair.
"Van— Heeeeeeeeelsinggggg!"
"What?" said Van Helsing vacantly. "Did you want something?"
"Can we help you?" said Carl, took another look at her, and dove beneath the table, leaving Van Helsing to deal with the beast on his own.
"You knocked me out!"
"Yes. No. No. It was Carl."
"Why did you knock me out?"
"I— uh— well— you'd just stabbed yourself with a knife and I was afraid the pain would be too much for you and you would pass out, so I just went ahead and took care of it so I could, you know, catch you when you fell."
"Oh," said Anna. This touched her heart and she began to realize that Van Helsing was totally and irrevocably in love with her. Obviously he didn't know it yet, but she was confident in her ability to prove it to him. "And did you catch me?"
"I— well— er— no. I tried," he added quickly. "But my reactions were impaired by alcohol—"
"I suppose that would explain the bump on my head."
"Well, that, and you hit a few walls when I carried you to bed."
"Ah." She considered, rubbing at the back of her head thoughtfully. "And was it you who undressed me?"
"No, that was Carl."
Anna stopped still, her eyes wide, her face a mask of horror. "Carl?"
"Yeah."
"The monk?"
"Yeah."
She'd had it all wrong! It wasn't Van Helsing who loved her at all!! Clearly it was the little blond Carl person!!! !!!!!
Sometimes it worried her when she thought exclusively in exclamation marks.
But not that much.
"Oh..." she said, misty-eyed. Van Helsing watched her nervously.
"Shall we— uh— go get Dracula now?"
"Oh, he can wait a few minutes."
"But—"
"Hold your horses!" she snapped.
"Is it safe to come out now?" Carl asked from underneath the table.
"As safe as it ever is," said Anna in what she considered to be dulcet tones (it sounded like she was pinching her nose and talking through that) and put on a provocative stare. Carl clambered out from underneath the table and wondered why Anna was smirking at him.
"Did I do something funny?" he enquired.
"Funny," repeated Anna. "Oh, yessss, little mister Comic Relief— hilaaaaarioussss."
"You're scaring me," said Carl.
"Shall we go find Dracula?" prompted Van Helsing.
"Yes, please," said Carl.
"No, Carl, you stay here. Anna and I will go find Dracula. Come along, Anna." Van Helsing took her arm and forcefully and almost kind of gently led her to the big double doors. There he bowed and said, "Ladies first."
Anna refrained from making the obvious comment (insert obvious comment here) and swept past him into the cold dark beyond. Van Helsing slammed the door after her and walked back to the kitchen, dusting off his hands.
"That's her taken care of," he announced to Carl, who had found a cake in a cupboard and now had frosting all over his face. "Lets find that liquor cabinet, shall we?"