A/N: Well, for those of you who asked if there would be more, here's your answer: Yes! So, thanks to everyone who reviewed - you know who you are - and here's chapter two, enjoy!

Chapter 2 - Loved Without Loving

They walked along the quiet path in silence. The twittering and chirping of birds filled the air, and the gravel crunched beneath their feet. Will did not hear it, or at least the sounds did not register; his thoughts were on what to say to the woman walking next to him.

She saved him from the puzzle by speaking first. "It's very nice out here. This was a good idea."

"Thank you," Will replied. He drew a deep breath. "Vanessa, there's another reason I invited you out here. I've been thinking about what you said Friday night." He watched Vanessa closely, trying to gauge her reaction. Lyra, he thought, I'm sorry, oh Lyra.

Vanessa took a sharp, quick breath. "And?" The breath didn't come out, though she was obviously trying to act interested but indifferent.

Will led her to a nearby bench, then sat down beside her. From his jacket pocket he pulled a black box, the sort used for jewelry. He pressed it into Vanessa's hands. "Here."

She looked up at him uncertainly. Will nodded encouragingly, smiling. Slowly, her hands trembling slightly with combined hope and dread, Vanessa flipped open the top. Speechless, she stared down at what it held for a moment. Suddenly, she threw her arms around Will's neck, still holding the open box, and held tight. He was surprised, but did not mind a bit. After all, she had hugged him before, even if it wasn't usually this hard. Just as he started to return the hug, she pulled away. A huge smile lit her face.

"Oh Will, thank you so much!" she cried. "I'm so happy!" She quickly sobered. "But are you sure? You seemed…upset on Friday." She watched him anxiously.

Will choked back a bitter laugh. If only she knew! "I was just shocked. But I'm sure." He forced a smile, finding it easier than he thought it would be. "I want to marry you, Vanessa, and it will happen." Leaning over, he carefully plucked out the box's contents with his left hand and gently tugged at Vanessa's hand with his right. Startled but clearly pleased, she held her hand out and let him slide the engagement ring onto her finger. Both admired it for a moment. The diamond, flanked by tiny rubies, caught the sunlight and threw it back, shining and glittering brightly. Vanessa moved her hand this way and that, making the light reflect everywhere, including into Will's eyes. His eyes were momentarily dazzled. In the brightness, he thought he could almost make out a shape. It looked like an hourglass, with something on top. Something small and oval. And - with teeth? A moment later, the faint image vanished, leaving him looking only at Vanessa. He shook his head, trying to clear it.

"What?" she asked.

"Oh - I just - nothing. Nothing at all." Will answered quickly. He shook his head again, for emphasis this time. "Nothing."

Vanessa looked at him sideways. She clearly disbelieved him, but changed the subject. "Well we're engaged now, right?" Will nodded cautiously. He was never quite sure if he should trust that sly tone. "So…that means we have to get married."

"Um, yes, I believe that's how it usually works," he answered.

"So," her face broke into a huge grin, "we need to pick a date for the wedding!"

"Ah, yes, that," Will said playfully. "Any suggestions?"

"Actually, yes," Vanessa answered. "I was thinking about Midsummer's Day."

Alarms went off in Will's brain. He couldn't share that day with anyone but Lyra. Most certainly not Vanessa. He had to get the Botanical Gardens that day, which he couldn't do if he was getting married. "No," he said firmly. He felt a touch of pride that he hadn't shouted.

Vanessa frowned. "Why not? It would be so romantic," she argued.

"I know, that's true, but - no," Will repeated, turning away so she wouldn't see his bitter smile. Midsummer's Day was, for him, already more romantic than a wedding could make it.

Vanessa tried again. "But Will-"

"But nothing!" Will interrupted harshly. "I said no!" He rose and stalked a little way off. He didn't want to fight with Vanessa. It was so hard though, she seemed to want this so much, and he could never be exactly rational about Midsummer's Day. With a sigh Will leaned against a tree. He needed to give Vanessa a reason. Even if she could make herself accept his refusal, she would want to know why. The true reason wouldn't work. He could just imagine it. Pardon me, but we can't get married on Midsummer's Day because I have to go sit on a bench…the woman I love will be sitting there in another world, it's the only way we can be anything like together…so maybe if we moved the wedding to another day…? No, things like that usually didn't go over too well. But he would not marry on Midsummer's Day. It would be a betrayal. Suddenly, Will realized what he had seen in the flash from Vanessa's ring. The thing on top of the hourglass was a skull. An hourglass with a skull on top - one of the symbols on the alethiometer. The one that, way down on its list of meanings, meant betrayal. "No, Lyra, I'm not betraying you my love," he whispered. He forced down a sob that rose in his throat. You gave it your approval, not directly, but oh you did, all those years ago, and I still love you, Lyra, I will never stop loving you, he thought. Another sob tried to come out. I miss you. I know I promised not to, but I always compare Vanessa's kisses to yours…oh Lyra… Will gave up on keeping the sobs back and let them come, resting his head in his hand and squeezing his eyes shut. He knew Vanessa could see his back, and probably knew he was crying - she was amazingly good at reading body language, it must come of being a fifth-grade teacher - but she was smart enough not to come over and try to comfort him. Not when she also knew it was something she said.

After a minute or two, Will gained control over himself again. He opened his eyes and straightened. Okay. So he absolutely would not marry on Midsummer's Day. He would just tell Vanessa that. Slowly, reminding himself to stay calm no matter what she said, he walked back to Vanessa and sat down. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.

"Look, I'm sorry," he said. Again, she tried to speak, probably apologize herself, but he continued. "I shouldn't have gotten so upset. I - it's hard for me to control myself about Midsummer. I can't get married that day, Vanessa. I just can't. Pick any other day, really I don't care that much, I'll do what you want, it's not like I have relatives to worry about or anything. "But not Midsummer's Day." Will silently congratulated himself on being so calm. Of course, he didn't yet know how Vanessa would take it.

"Why?" she asked quietly, though there was a dangerous edge in her voice. She was obviously trying not to upset him again, but wanted to know.

Will looked down. "I can't tell you that either." He took another deep breath, and looked into his fiancée's eyes. "You'll just have to accept that, Vanessa. Midsummer's Day is special to me. And it's a private sort of special. In fact -" he hesitated, then plunged on recklessly "- if there's one thing I ask, it's that you let me just disappear on Midsummer's Day and you never ask where I've gone or what I'm doing or the why of any of it, just let me have that day to myself. Please."

Vanessa stared at him, her brown eyes reproachful and pleading. "But - but why? I could say Yes if I knew why."

Will struggled not to laugh wildly. Tell her and she'd let him disappear, no questions asked, every day. "I can't, Vanessa," he answered as gently as he could. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

Vanessa blinked a few times, her eyes overly bright. "It's just that - I've always had this foolish little dream of a Midsummer's Day wedding, and now I've found the guy but he won't let me, won't even tell me why…" her voice trailed.

Damn, thought Will. I didn't mean to make her cry. But I have to be there. Maybe he could just tell Kirjava to go, but it would still be a betrayal. Besides, he didn't want to and he wouldn't be able to concentrate on the wedding if Kirjava was at the bench. He put an arm around Vanessa's shoulders, which were shaking silently. "I'm sorry, really I am," he said. "I didn't know that was your dream, and I don't think it's foolish at all."

Vanessa looked up hopefully. "Then will you…?"

"No," Will replied, shaking his head. "It's selfish, I know, but no."

"Why?"

"Because I won't," Will answered. "Here, if it makes you feel better, we can say I've got a previous engagement."

"Every year?" Vanessa asked skeptically. Will nodded. "Just what is this 'engagement'?" she demanded, shrugging his arm off.

"I can't tell you, haven't you been listening!" Will almost yelled. Whoa now, slow down, man. Calm is the key, he told himself. "Part of this 'engagement' is that I can't tell anyone about it," he said at a more normal volume. "I can't miss it even once, either, and I don't want to anyway. And I will not be wed on Midsummer's Day. Period. The answer to that date is no, Vanessa, and if you can't accept that -" he held out his hand "- give me back that ring."

"Certainly it would be understandable if you told me," Vanessa protested. "And as for the wedding - fine, whatever, but it's not really about that anymore."

"Then what is it about?" Will asked wearily. His hand wanted to drift up and rub his head, which was starting to hurt. He forced it down.

"It's about that you're hiding something from me. Something really important. And, Will, I love you but somehow - I'm not sure about this."

"About what?" Will asked, his stomach sinking. He suspected he already knew what she meant.

"About marrying you," she answered softly, looking away. "How can I marry someone who has some secret he can't tell me? How can I do that?" Her voice trembled, and she would not meet his eyes. Will knew she was trying not to cry.

Will took a deep breath, reminding himself to stay calm. His head was spinning with mixed emotions: guilt for upsetting Vanessa, relief that he might not have to pretend everything was all right, more guilt at the relief, disappointment and hurt that she wouldn't trust him. If only she had never mentioned Midsummer's Day!

"I - I think," he said slowly, drawing another deep breath, "that we should go home and think about this. We're both too upset right now to keep discussing it. Think about what I told you, that this is part of me, and I'll think over what you've said." He stood up, but Vanessa remained seated, arms crossed. He extended a hand - usually she loved that, but she ignored his hand and stood angrily.

"Fine," she snapped. Her voice trembled a little still. "I'll think. I'll think really hard about all the possibilities." Her tone made it very clear that she had already thought of some possibilities, and she didn't like them. She whirled and stormed away, breaking into a run when she thought she was out of sight. Will sat back down, letting his head sink into his hands.

What have I done? he asked himself. What the hell did I just do?

A/N: Whew. Long chapter I know, but trust me, it was necessary. You don't even want to see the amount of loose leaf paper I used. Anyway, please review and tell me what you think!