I got home, and a note was waiting for me on the counter.
"Went shopping. Be home soon. Don't wait up for me. Love, Mom."
I probably should have been upset. She should have been home, waiting for me. But my mom had always been like this. I was pretty well used to it. Besides, even if she hadn't been home, I wouldn't have wanted to talk to her. When she pulled the mom thing, she pulled all the stops. It was terrible the way she would hover over me if she had a mind to do it. And now I really just wanted to be left alone.
I started to head up to my room, but that didn't feel right. As a matter of fact, pretty much every where I went didn't feel right. I didn't feel comfortable in my own house, with my dad gone. I always figured thing would be better at home if he left, so I really wasn't expecting this kind of a feeling. It wasn't sadness....it wasn't the fear I usually felt....or even shame, which I felt every time I saw him...I don't really know what it was. But I didn't like it.
I left the house pretty quickly. I didn't really want to stick around to try to figure out what was wrong with me being in the house. I headed to the school, for no good reason at all, other than the fact that it was close by. It was getting dark, and I didn't expect anyone to be there.
No surprise, no one was there. Nobody went to school when they didn't have to. I sat at a table, and started picking paint off of it. I wasn't really thinking about anything. I got pretty good at making my mind go blank while my dad was...anyways, it didn't stop me from remembering later. But I had started to do it even when I wasn't with my dad. It happened a lot during school. I had always been an okay student. B's and C's were what I usually got. It was getting harder and harder to maintain those grades. I suppose it didn't really help that I wasn't trying very hard anymore. I liked it when my mind was blank.
Ms Hazilacos was starting to get a little...um...inquisitive I guess. I had stopped paying attention in her class and I had stopped helping her out with her various animals. I guess I just didn't much feel like it anymore. She was getting, well I guess it wasn't inquisitive...maybe more like she was concerned. Either way, I didn't let it bother me much. She could ask all the questions she wanted, I wasn't going to answer them.
Although I suppose everyone knows about it by now. If Toby said anything to his sister, I could be almost guaranteed that Terri would find out, then Hazel, then...
My mind became a little less blank. Paige was going to know, or maybe she even already knew what happened. Now she'll probably never speak to me again, let alone dump Spinner for me.
In fact, I figured that an awful lot of people wouldn't want to speak to me. Maybe they'd think I'm gay, or that I liked my dad like that...or...the possibilities got worse and worse as I went on. I tried to make my mind blank. It wasn't working anymore. All I could see was kids shouting faggot at me. Marco had to deal with a lot of crap when he came out. It would be even worse for me.
My thoughts cleared as I heard footsteps approaching. I would have been grateful to whoever it was for distracting me from those nightmares, if it hadn't been for the fact that the person approaching me was Toby.
I turned away. I didn't want to look at him.
"You okay?" he asked me. I didn't answer.
"Are you mad at me?" And again, I didn't answer. Then he started to ramble, like he did when he was nervous.
"I thought you might be mad at me, for showing my parents the journals. But I didn't know what else to do. What you were writing about sounded really bad, and I didn't know how else to help you. Because, I've never had to deal with anything really serious. I mean, there was the one time Ash got into some drugs, but my parents pretty much took care of it, and I didn't have to worry about it. So that wasn't like this at all. I really hope your not mad, and that you understand, but I guess if you never want to speak to me again, I'll sort of understand. I mean, I did read your personal journal. But I only did that because I wanted to have something to tease you about. Not that I'd ever tease you about this, believe me. See, I'm not that kind of person. At least, I don't think I am, and I really hope you don't think I am either."
"Shut up, Toby," I finally said. He would go on and on like that for forever if I didn't shut him up.
He kind of stammered some sort of apology, I think. It was hard to tell. Then he practically ran home. I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants. Sometimes Toby can be a bit stupid.
It was pretty much dark, so I headed home. Surprise surprise. When I got home, my mom wasn't there yet. Probably trying to avoid me.
Weird as it felt, I headed upstairs to my room to go to bed. At least I knew I wouldn't be seeing my father anytime during the night for a 'surprise visit'. It didn't make me feel a whole lot better though, and I don't know why.
"Went shopping. Be home soon. Don't wait up for me. Love, Mom."
I probably should have been upset. She should have been home, waiting for me. But my mom had always been like this. I was pretty well used to it. Besides, even if she hadn't been home, I wouldn't have wanted to talk to her. When she pulled the mom thing, she pulled all the stops. It was terrible the way she would hover over me if she had a mind to do it. And now I really just wanted to be left alone.
I started to head up to my room, but that didn't feel right. As a matter of fact, pretty much every where I went didn't feel right. I didn't feel comfortable in my own house, with my dad gone. I always figured thing would be better at home if he left, so I really wasn't expecting this kind of a feeling. It wasn't sadness....it wasn't the fear I usually felt....or even shame, which I felt every time I saw him...I don't really know what it was. But I didn't like it.
I left the house pretty quickly. I didn't really want to stick around to try to figure out what was wrong with me being in the house. I headed to the school, for no good reason at all, other than the fact that it was close by. It was getting dark, and I didn't expect anyone to be there.
No surprise, no one was there. Nobody went to school when they didn't have to. I sat at a table, and started picking paint off of it. I wasn't really thinking about anything. I got pretty good at making my mind go blank while my dad was...anyways, it didn't stop me from remembering later. But I had started to do it even when I wasn't with my dad. It happened a lot during school. I had always been an okay student. B's and C's were what I usually got. It was getting harder and harder to maintain those grades. I suppose it didn't really help that I wasn't trying very hard anymore. I liked it when my mind was blank.
Ms Hazilacos was starting to get a little...um...inquisitive I guess. I had stopped paying attention in her class and I had stopped helping her out with her various animals. I guess I just didn't much feel like it anymore. She was getting, well I guess it wasn't inquisitive...maybe more like she was concerned. Either way, I didn't let it bother me much. She could ask all the questions she wanted, I wasn't going to answer them.
Although I suppose everyone knows about it by now. If Toby said anything to his sister, I could be almost guaranteed that Terri would find out, then Hazel, then...
My mind became a little less blank. Paige was going to know, or maybe she even already knew what happened. Now she'll probably never speak to me again, let alone dump Spinner for me.
In fact, I figured that an awful lot of people wouldn't want to speak to me. Maybe they'd think I'm gay, or that I liked my dad like that...or...the possibilities got worse and worse as I went on. I tried to make my mind blank. It wasn't working anymore. All I could see was kids shouting faggot at me. Marco had to deal with a lot of crap when he came out. It would be even worse for me.
My thoughts cleared as I heard footsteps approaching. I would have been grateful to whoever it was for distracting me from those nightmares, if it hadn't been for the fact that the person approaching me was Toby.
I turned away. I didn't want to look at him.
"You okay?" he asked me. I didn't answer.
"Are you mad at me?" And again, I didn't answer. Then he started to ramble, like he did when he was nervous.
"I thought you might be mad at me, for showing my parents the journals. But I didn't know what else to do. What you were writing about sounded really bad, and I didn't know how else to help you. Because, I've never had to deal with anything really serious. I mean, there was the one time Ash got into some drugs, but my parents pretty much took care of it, and I didn't have to worry about it. So that wasn't like this at all. I really hope your not mad, and that you understand, but I guess if you never want to speak to me again, I'll sort of understand. I mean, I did read your personal journal. But I only did that because I wanted to have something to tease you about. Not that I'd ever tease you about this, believe me. See, I'm not that kind of person. At least, I don't think I am, and I really hope you don't think I am either."
"Shut up, Toby," I finally said. He would go on and on like that for forever if I didn't shut him up.
He kind of stammered some sort of apology, I think. It was hard to tell. Then he practically ran home. I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants. Sometimes Toby can be a bit stupid.
It was pretty much dark, so I headed home. Surprise surprise. When I got home, my mom wasn't there yet. Probably trying to avoid me.
Weird as it felt, I headed upstairs to my room to go to bed. At least I knew I wouldn't be seeing my father anytime during the night for a 'surprise visit'. It didn't make me feel a whole lot better though, and I don't know why.