A/N: First off, let me apologize – I know it's been forever. This chapter took a long time to write, and then even if I had typed it I wouldn't have been able to upload it because of computer problems. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. You are my motivation. Just a few of you I want to mention personally. Taliara – Eventually. Be patient.
Sioned136 – muahaha. You have no idea.
All disclaimers from Chapter 1 still apply, of course. So now….
Chapter 4 – Loved Without Loving
Will frowned at the telephone as it rang again. Could no one leave him to his newspaper? Reluctantly, he set it down and walked over to answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Will. Um, it's me." She sounded nervous.
"Vanessa," he breathed. Had she received his email then? Or was she calling to demand an answer to hers? He fervently hoped it was the former. "Did you get my email?"
"Yes," she answered, and he could tell she was smiling. "I was calling to thank you." Will quietly breathed a sigh of relief. Vanessa was silent you've used "silent" twice rather close together here, you might want to replace one of them for a different word for a moment. Then: "I suppose we should have another go at picking a date."
"So we should," Will laughed, "but perhaps we should discuss other things as well first."
"Such as?" He knew she knew what he meant, but if she wanted to play with him, he would let her.
"Oh, telling your parents, maybe," he said lightly.
"Oh that," Vanessa replied. She sounded disappointed. "We ought to invite them and Mary somewhere, introduce them, and tell them all then. My parents haven't met Mary, have they?"
"No." Will wondered what Mary would think when he told her he was getting married. She knew perfectly well that he still loved Lyra. "That's a good idea," he continued. "What should we invite them to?"
"I was thinking a dinner party, Friday or Saturday. I'll make something and you can bring sides."
From there, the two quickly agreed on Saturday at Vanessa's apartment. After Vanessa gave Will a few very specific instructions about what to bring, they hung up.
Both Mary and Vanessa's parents accepted the invitation, but as the two sentences just scans better as one the week drew on, Will began to worry. Mary knew everything about him; she'd respect his decision, but what if she slipped and said something? Or what if Vanessa's parents didn't want her marrying a Gentile? Or what if…there were a thousand scenarios playing in his mind, all of them bad. By Saturday, he was jumping at everything. Kirjava did her best to calm him, but Will knew she was worried too. Fortunately, Kirjava herself was not a source of worry. They'd found years ago that people in this world could see Kirjava only when she wanted them to.
"Tell you what," she said, early Saturday afternoon, becoming frustrated with his refusal to relax. "I'll come with you tonight. No one but you and Mary will know I'm there, and Mary will understand."
He grabbed her tail lightly. "Fine. Just don't tickle me."
"What, like this?" she asked innocently as she brought up her tail to tickle his neck.
"No - stop - Java -" Will giggled breathlessly, trying to pull away. Kirjava tried to continue, but collapsed in giggles of her own. She ought to know by now that tickling him meant she felt it too, yet she persisted. Today, though, it broke the tension, and when Will finally stopped laughing, he felt ready to take whatever happened tonight with a smile.
His anxiety returned when Vanessa's doorbell rang early, but not as strongly. Vanessa was nervous as well. At the sound of the doorbell she jumped. Will gave her a reassuring smile as she went to the door. It turned out to be a package delivery, something Vanessa had ordered for a project with her students. Still, it unnerved both of them, and by the time Vanessa's parents arrived, Will was very glad Kirjava was with him.
Will had met Vanessa's parents briefly before. Last time they - mostly her mother - had questioned him on everything from his religion to his favorite music. Vanessa explained it away, saying her mom always had to know everything. Unfortunately, Will's memory of their love of interrogation was correct. Vanessa's mother, Gail, seemed about to start in on him again. Happily, Marry arrived promptly. In the flurry of introductions, Gail forgot about questions for the moment. Will guessed that his and Vanessa's news would result in either no questions, or a flood of them. He hoped it was the former, though he suspected it would be the latter. In any case, he was about to find out.
All five of them sat in the living room, Will and Vanessa next to each other on the couch, with Gail on Vanessa's other side, and Mary and Michael, Vanessa's father, in the two chairs across the room. Vanessa took a deep breath and started talking.
"Mom, Dad, Mary, Will and I have invited you tonight because there's something we want to tell you." She glanced at Will. "Do you want…?"
He smiled at her. "Sure." He turned to the others. "We're engaged."
"But Ly -!" Mary exclaimed, barely catching herself. Will wasn't sure anyone besides himself had heard over Vanessa's mother's chatter.
"You are? Oh Vanessa baby, how wonderful! We knew you'd find a man eventually, though -" she lowered her voice "- we did hope he'd be a nice Jewish boy. But if that's what you want, honey, well, we couldn't be happier."
"Yes, Mom," Vanessa said quietly, smiling, "this is what I want."
"And it's what I want as well," Will added quickly, shooting an I'll-tell-you-later glance at Mary. He knew she was puzzled, but he could hardly explain in front of Vanessa and her parents. Not making references to Lyra would be impossible.
"Have you two discussed any other arrangements?" Michael asked. "A date for the wedding and living arrangements and such?"
Vanessa glanced sidelong at Will before answering. "We discussed it briefly, but we haven't decided anything yet."
"Wonderful!" Gail said. "We can help you figure everything out."
"Yes, we'd love that," Vanessa replied with a hint of sarcasm. She rose. "Let's discuss it over dinner."
They took her suggestion and moved to the table. Vanessa quickly brought in the food, and they all dug in. For a few minutes, chewing and the clicking of utensils were the only sounds. Will slipped a bit of chicken to Kirjava at his feet. She didn't need to eat, but she did enjoy it. Gail finally broke the silence.
"As I recall, Will, you're not really religious. How do you feel about a Jewish wedding?"
Will had expected the question. "I don't know if it would be right, since I'm not Jewish, but I don't mind."
"Our Rabbi does interfaith marriages, so it won't be a problem," Vanessa told him.
Will shrugged. "Then Jewish wedding it is."
Michael nodded, though he looked somewhat displeased. "But still, when?"
"I think you should pick a romantic day," Gail said dreamily. "I don't know, maybe Midsummer's."
Mary's fork clattered as she dropped it. Will almost did the same and fumbled to catch his. Vanessa flinched. Will thought her heard her mutter a curse.
"No," Will said breathlessly. "Not Midsummer." Mary sighed in relief. Will groaned inwardly when he realized she thought he had forsaken Lyra. Never will I let that thought be true, my love, he promised silently.
"Oh come now, why ever not?" Gail asked. "It would be so perfect!"
"Because I said so!" Will cried, standing angrily. He thought he was done with this!
"Will," Mary said warningly.
He took a deep breath, trying desperately to stay calm. "I - I can't get married on Midsummer's Day. And besides, it may be your daughter's wedding but it's not yours! It's mine as well, and I said no!" Childish though it was, it was all he could think of to say. Vanessa's parents were stunned by his outburst. A chill ran down his back as he remembered his vision of the alethiometer's symbol for betrayal. He would not betray Lyra. And he would not marry on Midsummer's Day. Period.
Will suddenly noticed how fast he was breathing. In a moment he was going to cry. "Excuse me." Not waiting for an answer, he shoved his chair back and rushed into the bathroom, the only room he could lock.
"Why?" he asked his dæmon, who of course had followed him. "Of all the bloody things she could say, she had to pick that! And Mary didn't even help me! Just let that bloody woman keep chattering!
Kirjava had no answer. Will thumped down on the tile, leaning against the wall. Outside he heard Vanessa making excuses and getting up. Coming after him, probably. He was right; a few seconds later a soft knock sounded.
"Will? Let me in?" Reluctantly, he opened the door enough for Vanessa to slip in. It wasn't her fault her mother had seized on that.
She sat next to him. "I'm sorry, Will. I told her once that I thought Midsummer was romantic, and she apparently remembered it."
"It's not your fault," Will said flatly.
She glanced at him uncertainly. "Mary's defending you. I would have but I wanted to talk to you."
He stiffened. "What's she saying?" he demanded. He looked into her wide eyes. "Tell me everything you can remember! Every word!"
Vanessa frowned, but sensed that it was best to answer. "She said, 'Don't pressure the poor boy. It is his wedding, and you haven't even consulted Vanessa before you go tearing in on it. He said no, with good reason; you've no idea what that day means to him.'" Will relaxed. Vanessa glanced at him again. Will knew she was burning to ask him what Mary meant. Clearly, though, the memory of her promise was stronger than her curiosity. Will sent a silent thank you to whoever taught Vanessa about honor. "Will," she continued, "I don't know what it is with you and - and that day." She held up a hand to forestall an angry reply. "And I won't ask. But my mother probably will. Not necessarily directly, and not tonight after you've shocked her, but she'll try until she gets an answer."
Will laughed out loud. Perhaps he could just tell her about the other worlds and she'd stop asking. She'd probably not want her daughter married to a madman. Will imagined the scene if he told Gail about Lyra and all the other worlds that existed. Kirjava's body shook against him as she also laughed. Vanessa frowned at him.
"Will - what's so - stop it! I wasn't - it's not funny!" Vanessa spluttered.
Will managed to bring himself under control. "I'm sorry," he gasped. "You're right. It really isn't funny."
Her frown darkened. "Then why were you laughing?"
Will flicked a hand. "I was just imagining ways to avoid your mother." Vanessa clearly didn't believe that, but, as she so often did, she let the excuse slide. She smiled oddly.
"Well, I hope you thought up some good ones, since what I said was true."
"Don't worry," Will said softly. Her eyes captured his for a moment. She smiled, a smile that said she loved him whatever cockamamie stories he made up when he laughed. Impulsively, he leaned forward and kissed her. She kissed back, sliding her arms around his neck. Will enjoyed it for a moment, then gently pushed Vanessa back.
"Let's go back before Mary chews them out too much, shall we?" he suggested. Reluctantly, she let go of him and nodded.
Chaos reigned in the dining room. Michael seemed calm, but the women were glaring, red-faced, at one another. It seemed they'd stopped arguing only when Will and Vanessa came in. Mary turned to him
"Will," she said tightly, "could you please explain to this - this busybody - that wedding plans should be made by the participants and that they don't have to give explanations of everything? She doesn't seem to understand when I say it."
Gail spoke before he could answer. "I just want to know the reason that sent you yelling at me!"
Will's mind raced. He didn't know what he could say to shut up Gail and not slip anything about Lyra. Blessedly, Vanessa spoke first. If he had believed in God, Will would have thanked him.
"Mom. Will and I have already discussed this. We have agreed to pick another date and I am fine with the fact that he offers no explanation. If you cannot accept that, then don't come."
Gail stared, speechless, at her daughter. Mary's lips twitched as she tried to hide a smile. Will felt his own lips also twitching with the effort. Finally, Gail managed to collect herself.
"If you're happy, then," she said coldly. "I for one feel there shouldn't be secrets between spouses." Will nearly flinched. Vanessa seemed to sense it, placing a comforting hand on his back before she replied.
"Thanks for the input, but I'm not you. Now, are you going to quit pestering my fiancé and let us finish this visit pleasantly, or would you prefer to go home? I've a bit of a headache and I'm in no mood to have to calm Will down again tonight because of you." Will had never heard Vanessa speak so cuttingly. He wanted to protest that he wouldn't get angry, but he knew Vanessa was trying to make a point.
It worked. "I think," Michael said firmly, "that we should discuss this another time. It clearly isn't Will who needs calming. Come, dear." With that he griped his wife's arm and pulled her up. She cooperated as he led her to the door, though not without sending venomous looks at Will.
Vanessa collapsed into a chair the moment the door shut. "That went well." There was no mistaking her sarcasm. "Just because someone always has to know everything!"
Will came over and started massaging her shoulders. "Relax. We'll make the rest of the decisions without consulting them. This won't happen again."
Her eyes slid closed. "God, I hope not."
"The woman - forgive me, Vanessa - the woman is a shrew.' Mary piped up. Vanessa started. She'd forgotten Mary was there.
Will's hands paused. "You mean she…her…?" Mary nodded. Will winced.
Vanessa laughed. "Nothing to forgive. She really is." Her laughter faded. "But I wish she didn't ruin everything! She always does! Ever since I was little! I never had parties in high school because she'd always be hovering there, watching! And parties I went to, she'd interrogate me about. And let's not even go into dating…" Will could feel Vanessa trembling. She laughed again, bitterly. "What she did made me think I'd never get married! And now I'm practically starting to think that again…"
"Nonsense," Will told her firmly. "We're marrying whether your mother wants it or not. We'll elope if we have to."
"I don't want to elope!" Vanessa wailed. She twisted, clutched at his shirt. Her eyes were wet. "I want to be happy! I want my friends there! I want…" Her voice trailed off as she sobbed into Will's chest.
Mary stood and pointed toward the door, indicating she'd show herself out. Will nodded, and she disappeared. Vanessa didn't notice. Gently, Will gathered the crying woman in his arms. She was small enough that he could carry her the short distance to the couch. There, he sat down and held her in his lap as she cried for her lost dreams of a stressless, happy wedding.
Will tried to suppress it, but a tear crept down his own cheek. Vanessa might just want a happy wedding. Will didn't care if they eloped or if they married at Buckingham Palace.
Neither would get him his Lyra.
A/N: Whew. Long chapter, but I'm glad you hung with me. Send me a review to tell me if it was worth it!