JENNIE

Pain isn't something you need to save.

But please, baby, hold on for one more day.

~ Romeo's Quest

Winter break started the week after Mingyu's funeral. I stayed at Richard's for the most of it, making sure Alice and Nayeon were finding time to eat, to cry, to mourn. I'd lost Irene in August, but I felt that the worst time to lose someone was during the holidays. Christmas was only a few days away, yet it didn't feel that way at all.

Lisa texted me each day, making sure I was finding time to eat, to cry, to mourn. Each text ended the same: I love you.

I'd needed that.

The night before Christmas, I couldn't sleep. I sat in the living room with my notebook, writing away, pouring all of my thoughts into my imaginary characters. I heard footsteps approaching from behind me. I turned to see Richard walking with two coffee mugs.

"Tea?" he asked. "Alice had some weird flavor in the cabinet, but I thought I would give it a try." I nodded and moved over on the couch to make room for him. He sat down and handed me a mug. "What are ya working on?"

"My novel."

"What's it about?"

I bit my bottom lip. "I'm not quite sure yet. But I'll let you know when I find out." Closing the notebook, I turned toward him. "Irene did forgive you," I said. "She never blamed you for leaving."

Richard's eyes locked with mine. "And what about you?"

"Me?" I paused. "I'm working on it."

He nodded. "That's progress."

Next were the tears that streamed down my face and the shaking followed. "I've been so terrible to you."

"I've been even worse, Jennie. I wasn't there. I missed so much." His head lowered. "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know. But let's just get through tonight." I lifted my tea, took a sip, then spit it into the cup. "Oh my gosh! That tastes like reindeer piss!"

Richard laughed and raised an eyebrow. "And you know how reindeer piss tastes because…"

I gestured toward his mug. "Try it. See for yourself."

When the tea hit his lips, he gagged, spitting it back into the cup. "Yup, that's definitely Rudolph's piss."

"Really? I was thinking it was Comet's."

He smiled. I smiled. We smiled. Not an uncomfortable grin, not an estranged father-daughter smile, but a real smile. The first one we'd had in…years.

"I think I'm going to go see her…be with her for the holiday. If it's okay with you, I'll probably go tomorrow."

He grimaced.

"I'll come back, Richard," I promised.

"She'll love that, Jennie. She's doing a lot better…" He moved to the Christmas tree in the corner and lifted a gift box. "Here you go."

My fingers ran over the wrapping paper. I saw my name written across it and my heart skipped. "You always give us gift cards," I whispered.

"Yeah, well… I thought I would try something different this year. Open it."

I was slow to unwrap the gift, feeling as if this were some kind of dream I would awake from. I gasped when I saw the CD sitting in my hands. Romeo's Quest.

Richard cleared his throat. "I know it might be weird, being your teacher's band and all. But I saw them perform a few weeks ago. They're good, Jennie." He paused. His bottom lip twitched. "Lis"—he paused again—"Ms. Manoban was telling me how they based each song off Shakespeare plays. You like Shakespeare, right? But if you hate it, we can get something else. I'll take you shopping—"

A deep sigh rolled through me. My arms wrapped around Richard and I held him close. "Thank you, Richard. It's perfect." When we pulled away, I went back to the tea and took another sip, gagging after the taste.

"Why do you even drink this nasty stuff?" Richard asked, eyeing the tea.

"It's not all nasty," I argued. "Plus, Irene loved tea, she's the reason I started drinking it."

His eyebrows lowered. "Do you think you can tell me more about Irene?"

My lips turned down and I felt my heartbeat increase at the idea of sharing the wonderful things about my best friend to the guy who should've already known her. "What do you want to know?"

His voice was a whisper, barely making a sound. "Everything."

After spending hours sitting and chatting with Richard about Irene, I found myself sitting in the bathtub on my phone talking to Lisa. It was around three a.m. and she had no plans of hanging up on me.

"Sorry to call so late," I sighed.

"No worries. I was just lying here, hugging my pillow, thinking of you."

I laughed at her comment. "I'm going to see my mom tomorrow…"

"Yeah? I think that's great."

"I'm nervous… What if it doesn't go over well? What if she doesn't want to see me? What if I get there and I'm still mad at her? Because…I still feel mad."

I heard her breathing through the receiver, and that sound alone gave me a hair of comfort. "I've had a lot of terrible things happen in my life. And what I've come to realize is if you don't say what you need to say when you have a chance…you'll regret it. Even if you're mad, say it. Scream it into the world while you still have a chance to. Because once life passes you by, it's gone. And so are the words left unspoken."

My eyes blinked tight and I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage. Say what I needed to say. That idea scared me so much. "I'm sleepy…"

"Go to bed, Jen. You have big day tomorrow."

I nodded to the phone as if she could see me. "Will you stay on the line with me? Until I fall asleep?"

"Of course."

I stood up from the tub and moved back toward my bedroom. "Merry Christmas, Lisa."

"Merry Christmas, angel."

I lay with my phone to my ear, and she played her guitar through the line until my eyes fell heavy and dreams washed over me.

I climbed onto the train with Irene's treasure chest in my lap. I figured opening a few letters with Mom might be good for her. For us. I texted Lisa, thanking her for last night. She only texted back with one word: Always.

Sitting in a window seat on the train back to Chicago brought back the memories of my first train trip to Wisconsin. Where Lisa and I had first crossed paths. So much had changed since then, yet a few things still remained. Those brown eyes, for one.

I placed the treasure box on the seat next to me. My legs tucked against my chest and I sighed. I missed them both so much, Mingyu and Irene. A few tears started falling from my eyes as my head fell to the glass window and the train started moving. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths. I'm okay. I told myself that over and over, yet the tears kept coming.

There should be a universal law that said young people shouldn't be allowed to die. Because they'd never really had a chance to live.

My eyes reopened when I heard footsteps near me and I looked up.

Beautiful.

Breathtaking.

Brilliant.

Brown eyes.

More tears fell as Lisa lifted my treasure box and sat down in the seat beside me. "What was his greatest fact?" she asked, pulling me close and kissing away the tears.

I closed my eyes as more emotion kept falling down my cheeks, yet she never stopped her kisses, catching each tear against her lips. "His heart. The way he loved so deep and felt so much," I whispered about Mingyu. "The way he loved his sister and his mom. The way he missed his dad…" My eyes reappeared and I placed my hands on the back of her neck, pulling her closer to me. "What was your mom's favorite Christmas fact?"

This time, she closed her eyes. She didn't reply right away. When her brown eyes opened, they were glassed over with water. "I don't talk about her…"

I nodded. "I know."

We rested our foreheads against one another, breathing in each other's existence. "Her double problem showed up every Christmas. I always got two of the same sweaters, just in case I ruined one. She would bake double the amount of cookies. She would make us watch It's a Wonderful Life twice. She…" she chuckled, brushing her finger across her forehead. "She added double the vodka to the holiday punch. But that was for Dad mainly."

"What was his craziest fact?" I asked, lightly kissing her lips.

"Hmm, he was a dreamer who made things happen. He bought the boat before he had the lake house. But he was sure the house would come. He dreamed it to life, I think." My fingers knotted her hair in my hands. She kissed the bridge of my nose. "You're never going to have to do these types of things alone, Jennie. Never."