JENNIE

I'm not afraid of losing you.

I'm more afraid of losing me.

Don't make me choose. Because I'll choose you.

~ Romeo's Quest

First-hour chemistry was something I feared on the first day back to school. I didn't want to come face to face with Taehyung. I didn't want him to look at me with disappointment glowing in his eyes.

When I stepped into the classroom, I heard everyone whispering. I wasn't sure if it was because Mingyu was dead or because I looked like death, but they whispered along. Taehyung was sitting at our lab table, and when he saw me, I gave him a small smile.

His lips curved up a bit.

Only a small, tiny hair, but it was enough for me right now.

"Hey," I said, taking my seat.

"Hey, Jennie," he chuckled, stressing my name. "I panicked…when I saw"—he cleared his throat and moved in closer to me—"what I saw. I understand completely though."

My heart pounded aggressively. "You do?"

"Of course, Jen. You lost your sister. Then you lost Mingyu. You were an easy target for the asshole."

"She's not an asshole!" I cried, seeing that Taehyung definitely didn't understand.

He took my hand in his and held on to it. I wanted to rip it from his grip, but I didn't. Taehyung didn't know the history of Lisa and me. I couldn't expect him to understand.

"I'll make her regret using you though," he whispered with order in his tone. "She'll regret hurting you."

"Taehyung! No, please. You don't understand."

He didn't reply. His mind was already made up.

And I saw it happening. My life was once again falling apart.

It never even had a chance to fall back together.

I walked down the hallways after chemistry feeling as if my heart were resting underneath my shoe. I wished I'd had Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, which would make me disappear right then and there. Nayeon hadn't made it back to school yet, and I understood completely.

The looks of pure sadness that were delivered my way were intense and forced my eyes to water every now and then. When I reached my locker, I looked down and saw Lisa standing in her doorway, staring directly at me. Her cool eyes held a wicked amount of guilt and hurt, and I tried my best to crack a smile. She must have heard the whispering crowds, too. She stepped forward toward me and I shook my head back and forth.

The only person who could comfort me wasn't allowed to. The only person I wanted to run her fingers through my hair and hold me against her chest had to stay at a distance.

"I don't care," she mouthed, and my heart was breaking into a million useless pieces.

I shrugged my shoulders and the tears started to pour from my eyes. "I do," I mouthed back to her before I lowered my head. I cried into my locker and gasped for air as the overwhelming memories of death proceeded to surface in my soul.

Why were Irene and Mingyu dead? And why in the hell did I deserve to be alive?

I choked on my tears when a reality set in.

I ruined lives. I was certain I did. I'd ruined Irene's life. I'd ruined Mingyu's. I'd ruined Richard's and Mom's. And I was on the pathway of ruining Lisa's, too.

Before I knew it, two arms were wrapped around me and pulling me closer to their body. I looked up and saw Lisa still standing at her classroom door, tears fighting to escape her eyes, but I was thankful of her choice to keep her distance.

Richard was shushing my tears as I felt his own dripping onto my face. "It's okay, Jen. You're okay. We're okay."

I yanked at his shirt, pulling him closer. "Dad…" I whispered, unable to get any other words to leave my mouth. The undeniable power of pain was devastating. I'd known hearts could hurt, but I'd never known they could bleed out into the realms of nothingness.

Richard held on to me. Students passed and whispered, and some even stood and stared. But I released the breath I'd been holding for the past few months.

And I inhaled the air that lightened my mind.

And I exhaled the air that clogged up my soul.

Breathe in, breathe out. I was desperately in need of performing that task over and over again.

Just. Breathe. Jennie.

I was alone at the lunch table. I didn't even pick up a tray to eat. I just sat. Alone. Broken.

Avery glanced over to me at one point as if he were going to join me, but then he looked away, back to his football table. I wondered how much longer he would keep his sexuality a secret. I wondered if he'd tried to convince himself that he was straight just so he wouldn't end up as another statistic.

I hoped he would be all right.

Taehyung was standing in line getting his food. He nodded toward me as if he were going to come sit with me, but I didn't want to be near him. I hopped up from the table and hurried away. I walked past Avery. I walked past Taehyung.

But I didn't walk past Mingyu.

Because you couldn't walk past the dead.

My eyes fell to Lisa, giving her a few blinks that I wanted her to follow me.

I stepped into the gated area in the basement, and there I stood in the darkened space, waiting. To some, I probably appeared to be pathetic for leaning against a wall next a dirty bucket and a mop, but I didn't care. She would come; I knew she would. If Lisa Manoban loved me the way I knew she did, she would show up.

So I would wait. Even if that meant waiting until the sun fell down and led the world into abyss, I would patiently wait. Knowing that, no matter what, she would do everything in her power to meet me.

I heard her footsteps, and when I looked up, I saw her face. "Sorry I'm late."

The sniffles were coming back, and when I felt her hands wrap around my lower back, I pressed into her, forming our bodies together.

"I'm sad," I said breathily.

She rested her chin on top of my head, soothing me with her loving caresses. "I'm sad, too. So instead of being sad alone, we can be sad together for a little while." Her lips connected with my forehead, and I knew there was no one else in the world I wanted to hold. No one else in the world I wanted to have as mine.

But I would hurt her.

I always hurt people because I never took the time to heal myself.

So I had to leave her.

But it felt so hard to pull away.

"I've never been in love before," I whispered, laying my head against her chest.

Her fingers traveled through my hair and ran across my cheek, finding my lips. "I thought I'd been in love before, but I was wrong," she said, circling my mouth with the tip of her thumb. My hot air brushed against her finger as she continued the simple motion that was driving me insane. "Before you, I never truly loved. I've never believed in eternity until I found you, Sweets. Jennie Kim, you're my forever always."

"No," I whispered, on the verge of crying. "Lisa, somebody knows."

Her eyes looked down to mine and I felt her worry wash over me. Or maybe it was my own worry. Sometimes our feelings were so in sync it was hard to tell them apart.

"How?"

"The train station yesterday. They saw us."

Her hand brushed over her face and she nodded, taking in the information. "Okay."

That's all she said.

I narrowed my eyes. "Lisa, he wants to tell! He wants to get you in trouble!"

Her shoulders fell and her sweet brown eyes locked with mine. "I've been thinking about quitting, Jennie. I can just do my music to make a living. My parents had a little saved up, too. I'll sell their house. I can find another job or something. That way I can give you everything you need. We can make this work. I can hold you when you need to be held. I can kiss you and not worry about who's watching. I'll come to California to be with you."

"Lisa," I said nervously. "You can't sell that house… It's your home. And you love teaching."

"No, I love you. You are all that matters."

She was going to give up everything she'd worked for, everything she was, to choose me.

That's when I knew what I had to do.

My voice cracked. "I'm ruining your life."

The walls felt as if they were closing in. I felt chains wrapping around my heart as I slowly started to un-invite Lisa inside of me.

"No…" her voice choked out. I felt her nerves. She knew where this was going.

"My mom's doing better. But she's alone down there. I should go back, go home."

Her fingers wrapped around mine and lay against my chest. "This is home, Jennie. We are home."

"I'm so sorry."

"I don't—" Her voice shook. "I don't understand. I know things are a mess, but…" Tears burned down her cheeks and she stepped away.

"I don't know who I am right now, Lisa." My voice was shaky, broken. "I went from having a twin, to having you, and there has never been a time for me to learn what it means to be alone. And I need to try. I need to try to be alone for awhile to prove to myself that I can stand on my own."

"I understand that, I really do…but…" She wiped her eyes and turned away from me. Her hands landed on her waist, and I watched the deep inhales and heavy exhales she was taking. "How can I fix this? How can I make you stay?" She looked back to me. "I'll give up my world for you, Jen. I'll give it all up."

"Lisa…what if I gave up going to California for school?" I whispered.

She declined that offer, telling me that California was all I ever wanted, it was my dream. I moved over to her and brushed my fingers against her cheeks. My hands wrapped around her neck and I pulled her mouth to mine, kissing her hard, feeling her tears hit my lips.

"I know." I swallowed hard. "Don't ask me to be the reason you give up everything."

"How am I supposed to keep going? Without seeing you every day? Without you?"

My hands landed on her chest. "Start slow," I said. "Maybe we were just meant to get each other through the darkness."

"I don't believe that," she argued.

I frowned. "It was Taehyung Kim. You'll have to talk to him. I can't be the reason you lose everything you worked so hard to get."

She chuckled nervously. "I've lost worse."

My footsteps away from Lisa were the most painful steps I'd ever taken. The walls were whispering to me, mocking me with the debilitating truths of Lisa's and my fate. There were so many times I wanted to turn back to her and take back my words. But I knew I'd made the right decision.

Because if it were the wrong decision, my heart wouldn't hurt this much.