Chapter Three: The Exam

Sara

I stood uncomfortably in the small room, my entire body was tense. "What could they be talking about? Was Gris almost crying earlier?". It was a lot to take in at once and before I knew it there was a gentle tap at the door.

"May I come in Ms. Sidle?" asked Dr. Lawrence. I took a deep, shaky breath and pulled open the door. It was only after she came in that I realized I hadn't changed into the robe and a blush spread across my cheeks in embarrassment to my oversight. "Everything alright Sara?"

"I'm fine," my voice shook when I responded, "I just forgot to change into the gown." An understanding smile crossed the young doctor's face and she reassured me that she was going to do everything she could to help me while keeping me as comfortable as possible.

"Would you prefer me to leave while you put it on?" she asked. Her piercing blue eyes searched my face for any hint of discomfort. As silly as it sounded I thought I would feel more comfortable changing without her in the room, even though in moments she would be examining very intimate parts of my body. She slipped quietly out the door, giving me time to compose myself and to change. She returned five minutes later and by then I had decided that I wanted Grissom in the room with me, at least for a while.

"Would it umm..be...uh possible for Gil to maybe be um here for a little while?". Even to me that sounded awkward but Dr. Lawrence told me it was absolutely fine especially if it would make me more comfortable. She stuck her head out the door to call Gris for me. He walked in, obviously uncomfortable but putting on a brave face for me. "Hi," was all I could manage when I saw him, Dr. Lawrence didn't give us anytime to dwell on our situation as she proceeded with the exam.

"Would you like me to talk you through this Ms. Sidle?" A simple enough question but I couldn't answer, I felt frozen. "Sara?" her voice seemed full of concern and some part of my brain wondered how she could be so concerned when she barely even knew me. I managed a nod and she began her external exam. When it was time for her to begin more personal parts of the exam I asked Gris to leave. Up to that point I'd been clutching his hand for dear life but I knew both he and I would be uncomfortable during this part of the exam. Dr. Lawrence was kind and gentle as she examined me and when she finished I couldn't help but start to cry all over again. She wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed and told her how scared I was that I would never be able to be close intimately with a man again.

"I know it seems stupid Amelia but I can't help it. I'm so scared," my voice trembled with emotion.

"Oh, Sara it's not stupid. Believe me I felt the same way after I was raped but eventually you find someone you love and trust with every fibre of your being and you come to realize that rape is just violence, pure and simple while sex with someone you love and trust is so much more." her voice shook and she twisted the wedding band on her left hand, revealing that emotions from a rape always run deep.

"You.....you were raped?" it wouldn't sink in, how could a woman who had gone through the horror of rape go on to be a doctor in a rape crisis centre? She explained to me that her way of dealing had been to throw herself into her studies and become the best doctor she could so she could help women who went through what she had. After year with a very kind and understanding fiancé she was able to allow him closer than she ever thought would be possible.

"No matter how long you wait or how ready you think you are the first time will always be scary. I was afraid, as was my husband. He had the pressure of being the first man I'd ever been with since from my rape. He was kind, understanding and gentle but the fear was still there. He wanted to show me how much he loved me and wanted me to believe he would never, ever hurt me and as our first night together progressed I was able to move on and be with him in the most intimate way possible." Tears glistened on her cheeks as she told me her story and then she gave me some advice, "When you think you're ready, call me. You need to be able to openly express your feelings before you get into bed with someone and he needs to understand that 'stop' means stop, no matter what."

She hugged me again and handed me a business card with her home phone number written on the back and told me that if I ever needed to talk to call her, night or day. She left me with instructions to get dressed, take the morning after pill she'd given me and to drink plenty of fluids for the heat exhaustion.

Grissom

My stomach leapt into my throat when the doctor leaned out the door and called my name. She explained that Sara would feel more comfortable with me in the room for the examination. When the doctor had left the exam room earlier she had caught me in the midst of a breakdown. I suppose that finding out what had happened to Sara, knowing the danger she had been in was too much for me. Dr. Lawrence moved quietly across the room towards me and sat gently down on the chair next to me.

"Dr. Grissom?" her soothing voice whispered across my soul and it was then that I poured my heart out to her and told her how much I loved Sara and how I was so afraid I would lose her.

"Dr. Grissom after this Sara is going to need someone who she can trust to help her through the hard times. She trusts you, Dr. Grissom. She's going to need you." She squeezed my shoulder as she rose and walked back towards the exam room. I was terrified to go in there but I knew I needed to be strong for Sara. It was hard to look into those big beautiful brown eyes and see sheer terror there. She reached for my hand and held it tightly as the doctor took photographs of the bruises and ligature marks, harsh blue against her creamy white skin. When the doctor told Sara she was going to begin the physical exam Sara asked me to leave and as much as I wanted to stay and take away the pain and fear I kissed her palm and moved out into the waiting room.