Part 5

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, however Momoe's cat was looking very pleased with itself. The main reason for this was Aya's recently tricked out security system, he had combined hi-tech with low tech, lasers cross the kitchen door as well a string tied to his toe, just in case. Three previous attempts had been foiled to keep Ken away from the strudel, and keeping Yohji away from the extremely alcoholic Christmas cake was more like guerrilla warfare, Omi at least just tried to come in the window.

Aya had too much on his mind to sleep. He was keeping one eye on everything happening around him in case someone tried to sneak in, working out if he had made enough popcorn strings, whether Omi's ability to smell presents had kept him from the secret trapdoor in the mission room where Aya had stashed his, he wondered whether inviting all of Schwartz was a good idea, he knew Crawford and Nagi were fine, but the other two were a bit of a risk, and only that letting Nagi sleep over was a bit risky with how close he and Omi were now.

He was looking forward to seeing Crawford again, he loved how his kisses tasted of cinnamon, and how strong he was. When he held Aya it felt like he was never safer, like no one could ever harm him. The smell of his cologne made Aya's mouth water, and the fondness that he laughed whilst he sang to him. That he sang to him meant the world to Aya. Everyone else thought him rude and abrasive, but Crawford just cut straight through that, and his nervousness and didn't care. He adored Aya and that was all that mattered to him.

He was taking him to the Evil Incorporated Christmas party when he had said that none of the rest of Schwartz were allowed to go. He had no idea what to wear, should he dress up or down, was it a tuxedo affair? Had Crawford said his date was going to be a man? Or had Crawford said that his date was a member of Weiss? Would they like him? Or would they try and shoot him? Should he go in disguise, should he tell Crawford those things? Crawford would understand, wouldn't he? Should he phone and ask? He stood up and went to walk to the phone, but the string tied around his toe tangled around the leg of his chair and he fell flat on his face.

The morning of Christmas Eve dawned clear and bright. Aya was wide eyed and wary, and grumpy in the way only the terminally sleep deprived can be. No one had tried to enter the kitchen, not even Momoe's fat and lazy cat that seemed to show up from time to time. He looked at the list of things that he had to do, and he had no one he could trust to stay out of things. He had to go to the store and collect the goose that he'd ordered, he had to go to his own secret safe house to fetch the spare Christmas pudding and the stollen that Weiss didn't know they were getting. He had to get ready for his date.

"Morning," Omi slurred as he went to walk into the kitchen and promptly tripped on the trip wire and set all manner of bells and whistles off. Aya looked at him suspiciously, "Aya, it's six in the morning!" He protested, "I want porridge and tea," he was almost whining. "Not short cake and strudel."

"Who said there was short cake?" Aya asked with his hands on his hips, "hmmm?"

"Just give me the tea, I have to open the shop in like an hour and a half and there are all these orders to do."

Aya reached into the cupboard and pulled down the porridge oats pouring them into a pan to start cooking the porridge. "I have to go out today, Omi, to pick up the goose and a few other things, I need you to make sure no one goes in the kitchen, nevertheless I have booby trapped all the relevant cupboards."

"Aya, get a shower." Omi grumbled into his tea cup as he waited impatiently for the kettle to boil, "you smell like Christmas." He took a deep breath, "kind of like mince pies and brandy."

Aya lifted his orange sweater to smell himself, "okay, maybe I do."

"And when was the last time you slept?" Omi asked as he poured his porridge into a bowl.

"The eighteenth," he answered calmly, "about the same time I started cooking."

"And we started living on take out." Omi said, "go have a shower, take a nap, I promise no one will get into your Christmas cupboards till tomorrow."

"But," Aya started to protested.

"Aya Fujimiya, go up those stairs and shower and sleep, otherwise you'll look a mess in the morning and Santa won't leave you anything." He smiled as he spooned up a lump of porridge and blew on it, "and besides haven't you got that date with Crawford this evening?"

"It's not a date." Aya managed to growl out, though it definitely was.

"Ja ne," Omi said with a shrug, "normally I'd just bench you from missions, but Christmas isn't a mission, honest, go have a sleep and then Ken and I will decorate the tree before you go to pick up the goose."

Aya showered and then slid into his long neglected bed. Normally he had terrible trouble sleeping but he had no sooner set his alarm clock for six hours and put his head back down than he was asleep.

He awoke pleasantly refreshed to the strains of Slade's "I wish it could be Christmas everyday," on the radio to which he politely added Bah humbug.

He dressed quickly and efficiently, and his eyes settled on a cedar case at the bottom of the wardrobe and he had an idea, he had what he considered a very good idea. He would mention it to Crawford who he was sure would agree. Yes, he thought to himself, it was a very good idea indeed.

He pulled on a thick winter over coat and went down the stairs, true to his word Omi had decorated the tree with the popcorn strings that Aya had made, and no one appeared to be wearing paint so they had stayed out of his cupboards. "I'm going to get the goose." He called to them as he walked past the flower shop door, there appeared to be more screaming inside than usual.

Aya looked at the butcher. The butcher looked back. Aya looked at the goose. The goose looked back. "I'm sure I ordered a dead one." He said finally.

"No sir," the butcher said looking at his clip board, "You ordered a fresh one." The goose honked in it's basket at him. "You do know how to kill it, sir, I mean if you don't have the nerve, one of the boys can do it." Aya ran over his options, because of his date with Crawford he didn't have time to kill, pluck and gut a goose. One of the others would have to do it. He hid a smile under his favourite dour expression, one of the others would have to do it, they were all assassins, surely they could manage to kill one little bird.

Schwartz arrived at the house exactly on time, looking for all the world like recalcitrant children led by Crawford and Nagi, who looked bored more than anything, with a stuffed grey donkey in his arms and his overnight bag over his shoulder. Crawford, on the other hand, looked harried. Ken let them in but watched them carefully as crawford put the pile of boxes under the tree being sure to keep one in his pocket. Aya-Chan's present didn't need to go under the tree.

Several hours later, Crawford and Aya had left to get ready for their "date" although both denied vigorously, in public, that it was a date, at the Schwartz safe house. The remaining members of Weiss and Schwartz, minus Omi and Nagi who had decided it was too traumatic, had gathered together in love and unity to kill the Christmas goose.

Ken looked at the goose, the goose looked back. "I can't do it." He said, unhooking his bugnuks.

"Oh for crying out loud." Schuldig said pressing forward, "I'll do it." He lifted a kitchen knife. The goose looked at him. He lifted it a little higher. "Okay, I can't do it."

Yohji rolled his eyes. "For god's sake." Farfarello glared at him. The goose looked at him and honked a little. "I can't do it either. And it's too late to go out and get another one, one of us has to do it."

"I don't know." Farfarello said, trying to grab the goose around his head, "Abyssinian was right, if you want a job doing, aargghh" The goose bit him. "Why you god obeying piece of." A knife flashed out from nowhere, the goose's head made a perfect arc as it sliced through the air.

The headless goose stumbled to its feet and started barrelling forward. "Aaargh," Schuldig said jumping up unto the table, "trust abyssinian to put voodoo juju on his goose."

Yohji joined him in seconds as Ken ran around the room screaming closely chased by the zombie goose. Farfarello just rolled his eyes.

"Hey guys." Omi said from the door. Then he saw the goose. "Aargh, Aya said kill it, not let it run around with no head on."

"They do that," Nagi said, "that's why you break their neck not cut their heads off."

"And you couldn't tell us this before." Yohji said pulling his legs up to his chest, Farfarello had found refuge on the kitchen counter.

"You didn't ask." The goose was now running on the spot, obviously thanks to Nagi's telekinesis. "It'll stop in a moment and then you can pluck it." He smiled. "Omi and I are just going for a walk."

"I'll come with you," Farfarello said hopping down and walking around the kitchen with his back pressed to the counter. "Have fun boys."

Author's Note:

NO REAL ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAN FICTION.

I know so many people that behave like Aya, setting up a perimeter defence in the kitchen and screaming "it's for christmas" whilst you try to make yourself a cup of tea. My mother comes to mind, she's like Delia Smith on speed, making her own christmas cards and popcorn strings and the goose story, oh it is so happened like that.

Aya and Crawford's date is the next chapter, and then one more, hey, what do you know, I might get this finished by the end of the xmas holidays,

A joke that half inspired the exact workings of the goose sequence.

A man goes into a fish restaurant and sits next to a giant aquarium, after a while the maitre'd comes over to ask if he's made his mind up what he wants. The man explains he hasn't even seen a menu. The maitre'd explains that to preserve the freshness of the fish they catch it from the aquarium, kill it at your table and then cook it for you. The man then explains that he wants calimari so he will have the squid.

The maitre'd calls over Gervais the french chef, who comes out and it is explained to him that the gentleman wants the squid, so Gervais rolls up his sleeve and fishes it out, slamming it down on the table. "Ugh," the man says, I'm not eating that, it's got a moustache." Gervais says not to worry, they'll skin it anyway.

So he lifts the mallet to kill it and the squid makes a funny squeak, he lifts it higher, the squid squeaks again. "I can't do it," Gervais says.

Not a problem, the maitre'd says, we'll get Hans the German exchange student that does the dishes. So he calls out for Hans and explains that the gentleman would like the squid but that Gervais hasn't the nerve to kill it. Hans lifts the mallet, the squid squeaks, he lifts the mallet higher, the squid squeaks again, he lifts the mallet as high as he can, the squid squeaks.

"I can't do it," Hans says.

"Well," the man says, "it proves that Hans that do dishes can feel soft as Gervais, with mild scream furry lip squid."

Explanations will be posted for those that ask nicely.