Riku pulled his phone from his pocket and grimaced when he saw Kairi's name. He couldn't stand the thought of listening to her trying to convince him to come back right now. He already felt miserable enough about not being there after his conversation with Mickey. He knew his friends were trying to help, that they were doing this because they wanted him to be happy, but he just couldn't see Sora right now, not after he had asked him to leave.

He let the call ring out and put his phone away, continuing his walk around the castle garden. It was a nice, quiet place to be in the evenings. He liked staying here with Mickey and the others, but he was finding himself feeling socially worn out frequently these days. This was a good place to retreat to when he needed a break from them all and some thinking space.

To his surprise though, his phone started ringing again a few seconds later, and when he looked at it he again saw Kairi's name. He was irritated now and hit the reject button. Before he'd even pushed it back into his pocket though, her name appeared again. This was odd, she didn't normally keep calling like this. He felt an anxious clench in his chest.

He answered it this time and was shocked to see her looking absolutely distraught. His heart almost stopped, what could have happened for her to be this upset?

"What happened? Are you OK!?"

"Riku please, please you- you need to come back. I don't know what to do anymore."

"What's going on Kairi?" He hadn't seen her this upset since before Sora woke up.

"It's Sora, he- he's not sleeping, he's- he won't talk- he- " She was sobbing, barely able to get the words out as she gasped for air.

"Just take a deep breath Kairi."

She did as he said, closing her eyes and taking several long, shuddering breaths. When she spoke again her voice was still shaking. "Riku you need to come back. He's not OK and he won't talk to any of us. Please you have to come back, please!"

"Not OK how?" She'd told him this before, said Sora wasn't alright, but she had never been upset like this. She'd always seemed worried but nothing like this. There was no way this was an act to try and convince him to come back. This was so much more than her previous calls.

"He's just... he's so sad Riku. He's miserable and angry, I don't even know if he's still eating- I'm so scared."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm scared- we're going to lose him."

"What?" He felt suddenly sick, acid burning his throat.

"He's in pain and I- I don't know what to do and the others don't either- He's just fading away Riku, it's like he's dying."

Why hadn't he listened to her sooner?

"I'll leave right now. It will be alright Kairi, I promise."

She took a sharp breath and smiled, but found herself sobbing even harder from the relief. She couldn't get more words out so nodded rapidly, the video of her bobbing up and down as she held her phone in presumably unsteady hands.

"I'll be there in a few hours. You go find one of the others OK?" There was only so much Riku thought he could do to comfort her over the phone when he was also panicking. "I'll see you soon."

She nodded again, still hiccuping, and they hung up.

He lowered his hand to his side and for the next few minutes, he didn't move, frozen in place, a loud ringing in his ears. How had he been so stupid? How could he have missed this? The signs had all been there, how had he seen that hollow misery in Sora's eyes and not realised. How had he not realised just how bad things were.

Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!
He should have listened to her sooner.

He'd been so worried about Sora pushing him further away if he went back before he wanted him there, so preoccupied with his own damn feelings and desires that he hadn't thought about it - no, he hadn't wanted to think about it. That Sora was hurting that much, that he could be that depressed. Words he had once said to Mickey came back to him unbidden, "Sora could fall into any darkness and swim his way out!"

His stomach lurched and this time he really was sick, doubling over the bushes at the side of the path and retching. He'd been so mad at other people for dismissing Sora's pain, and telling him he'd be fine. So angry at how everyone just expected Sora to always be the one smiling, to grin and bear any burden, no matter what it did to him. So furious with them for just saying "don't worry about him, it's Sora!"

But he had done it as well. He'd done it back then, and he'd done it again now. Why, WHY couldn't he have listened to Kairi sooner. She had seen he needed help, why couldn't he have...

"I think I'm starting to understand how you felt back then"

He'd never gotten the chance to ask Sora what he meant when he said that. He thought he had said it because he knew Riku had been lonely as well, but maybe he had been talking about more than that.

He'd pushed Sora away back then, staying as far away from him as possible, because he wanted to protect him. He'd felt he didn't even deserve to be near him. He didn't want to taint Sora's light with the darkness he had let into his own heart. He'd done it because he was terrified. Terrified of putting Sora in danger again, or hurting him again. Could that be what he had meant? Did Sora somehow think he had to push him away for his own good now? To protect him?

He never should have left. He shouldn't have let him push him away. He'd left when he needed him most.

If there was some other reason Sora didn't want him around, well, he would stay anyway. It didn't matter if Sora would get angry with him, or even end up hating him for ignoring that he had asked him to stay away. He had to get back there and do whatever he possibly could to help. If his presence made things worse between the two of them, that was a sacrifice he could make. He couldn't help from here, and he had to do anything he could to help.

The sound of Kairi sobbing as the castle door had closed behind him was still playing in his mind, and yet his eyes were dry. It was as though she was crying all his tears for him, after he had let his own pain hurt her yet again, let it spread from him to her like a virus. He didn't know how to stop it from happening again. If only there was some way he could get away from this world, go somewhere else where they couldn't reach him, and where he could no longer reach them either.

Without a Gummi ship, he was trapped though, and there was no one he could get one from without arousing suspicion. He stared out the bedroom window, out to the mountains and forest surrounding the castle. From here they looked large and sprawling, but he knew there was nowhere in those woods he could hide where they wouldn't eventually find him.

Maybe he could try diving into the heart of another world? He doubted he had the strength right now to even open a portal that way. It would be a stupid risk to take anyway, he might end up fading away from this world again if he violated that rule again. He wouldn't really mind, but after everything the others had gone through to bring him back... he couldn't hurt them like that, couldn't throw that gift of kindness back in their faces.

There had to be a way to get away from this world somehow... There had to be some way out of all of this.

He jumped as, though conjured by his thoughts, a ship suddenly shot out of the sky, flying straight for the clearing far below his window. Whoever was flying was in a hurry, because they only just managed to slow down in time to avoid crashing into the ground. Who would be visiting this late? The ship was the same model as the one he, Donald, and Goofy had always travelled in, but he would have known if they were planning on coming here. Then the blood drained from his face. It was the same model as Riku's ship as well.

As the door of the ship started opening he saw Kairi running towards it. She must have been expecting whoever it was, which meant it was most likely...

Riku.

He watched as he stepped out of the ship and Kairi threw herself into his arms. Even from here, Sora could tell she was crying, her shoulders shaking as Riku hugged her.

He couldn't move, heart beating so fast it hurt.
Why had he come back... Why couldn't he have just stayed away...

As Kairi and Riku broke apart he saw Riku glance up, directly at his window, and jerked backwards, praying he hadn't seen him watching. He had to get out of here before they had a chance to find him.

He sprinted from his room and towards the long entrance hall. He could hide in one of the side rooms until they went past, they'd have no reason to look in any of those. Then he could make for the exit.

The castle was silent and as he dashed into one of the classrooms and quietly closed the door behind him he thanked his lucky stars he hadn't run into Aqua, Terra, or Ven as he ran. Now he just had to wait, and hope it took a while for them to realise he was gone.

The minutes passed agonisingly slowly.

His ribs had almost fully healed, but even so, they were aching horribly from his mad dash here and smarted each time he took a gasp of air, trying to catch his breath before they arrived and heard his heavy breathing from the hall.

Finally, in the distance, he heard approaching footsteps echoing through the hall. It sounded like two pairs of running feet, they must be rushing, maybe expecting he would try and leave like this. He was glad he'd gotten there so fast.

Once the steps had passed the room and faded away, he slowly opened the door, peering around it to check the coast was clear. The hall was empty, and he had a straight shot to the front door. He broke into a run, desperate to get away. Just a few metres from the door though, his stomach dropped, and he screeched to a stop.

He realised the footsteps must have belonged to some of the other three, not Kairi or Riku, because now he was watching the front door open, and the two of them walking into the castle.

They were looking over their shoulders, talking to someone, and hadn't noticed him yet, but before he could bolt Aqua followed them in and caught sight of him.

"Oh!" She made a small sound of surprise as the door behind her closed, and the others turned to see what she had seen.

The three of them froze as well, and Sora found himself locking eyes with Riku. He wished he had been looking at one of the girls instead, looking at anything other than his face. But now he was forced to hold his gaze.

They stared at each other for a few tense moments. Riku was suddenly trying hard not to be sick for the second time that night. He'd had no idea just how bad things were, and now he saw Sora looking so awful, so worn and gaunt... Like a ghost of his old self, eyes sad and hollow.

Riku opened his mouth to say something, though he wasn't sure yet what it would be. Before he could find the words, Sora strode past them, face fixed and blank, and pushed open the front door.

"Sora?"

Riku hadn't expected him to stop, and he didn't.

The door swung closed behind him, leaving the three of them standing in echoing silence. Riku understood why Kairi had been so afraid now because he was terrified as well.

"Should we go after him?" Kairi asked when she eventually found her voice.

"Actually, I think it might be better if you two didn't try to talk to him tonight," Aqua said, trying to keep her voice kind and calming. Riku and Kairi both looked confused when they turned to her.

"Are you sure?" Riku asked. He didn't like the idea of leaving Sora out there alone, but Aqua nodded.

"I'll keep an eye on him and make sure he's alright."

Kairi and Riku looked at each other sadly, knowing she was right. Sora wasn't going to talk to them right now. In fact, if they went after him now there was a good chance they would just make things worse.

Kairi nodded at Aqua, and hugged her, trying not to start crying again. She and Riku made their way back to their rooms, while Aqua left to follow Sora.

Sora had sat down in his usual spot, on the cliff edge that was so perfect for star gazing. He wasn't watching the stars though. He was staring out at the mountains with unseeing eyes, legs pulled into his chest and arms folded around them. He was shivering slightly despite the relative warmth of the night.

For the first time in a while, he had taken his charm out of his pocket and was holding it loosely in his right hand. He didn't know how he was meant to stay away from them now. Between the two of them, there was no chance Riku and Kairi were going to let him just run away, they'd probably tackle him next time he tried to walk away if they had to.

All he wanted was some way to hide from them... He hoped Riku being here would at least make Kairi feel better though, he didn't think he'd heard her cry like that since they were little kids. He hated himself for being the one who had caused her that anguish.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the soft sound of footsteps on grass behind him and his heart fell even further. He'd expected he wouldn't be able to avoid them for long, but he'd hoped it would be longer than this. He didn't have the energy to stand and leave though, couldn't muster the willpower to move. He didn't even have the energy to be anxious or angry anymore.

All he felt now was stone. The stone he sat on, and the stone his body seemed to be turning into. So resignedly, he waited to find out if it was Riku or Kairi who had followed him out here. But it wasn't either of them.

"Hi Sora."

It was Aqua. He felt a wave of relief that it was her and not one of the others and actually turned around to look at her.

"Hey."

"Is it OK if I join you?"

"Yeah, sure," he said without thinking. He would have preferred to be alone, but if he had to endure someone else's presence at least it was hers.

"Thanks." She smiled, and sat down close by, dangling her feet off the ledge. "This has always been one of mine, Terra, and Ven's favourite places to sit," she said wistfully, looking up at the stars. Sora glanced up at them briefly as well, then stared back down at his knees.

"Is Kairi OK?" He asked hesitantly.

"She is. She's scared, but she's OK."

He nodded and felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. "Is that why Riku's here?"

"I think so. He's scared as well." Another deep pang.

They sat in silence for a while and Sora realised she wasn't here to try and convince him to return to the castle, or give him a lecture about why he had to go talk to his friends. When she first sat down he had wondered bitterly if she was just here to keep an eye on him. They all must be thinking he would disappear somewhere further away, or do something stupid without someone supervising him, like he was some troublesome child that had to be babysat.

But now he didn't think so. Now he felt she was just here to sit quietly with him, just wanting to keep him company...

"Aqua?"

"Mhmm?"

"The other day, when I asked you what it was like when you came back." He swallowed hard, trying to keep the lump that was suddenly forming out of his throat. "You said you felt like you were broken because you weren't happy... but you don't feel like that now, right?"

From his tone, she couldn't tell if he was asking because he felt like that too, or if he was asking out of concern for her. She got the feeling it was both. Her chest squeezed painfully, It was this absolute devotion of his to the people he cared for that had caused him to fade away, but even now he couldn't help worrying for her.

"No, I don't. Things are better now."

"That's good."

Sora tightened his grip on the Wayfinder in his hand. If he ran his finger along the shells he could still faintly feel the cracks in their surfaces. When he spoke again his voice was small.

"I don't know what's wrong with me Aqua."

He wasn't sure why he was saying this to her. He didn't understand why he was suddenly letting these walls down, but he just couldn't keep them up right now. There was nothing left to keep them in place anymore.

"I...I just want to feel like myself again."

When she had been in that much pain there was something she had needed to hear and hoped it might be what he needed to hear as well. "You will Sora, eventually. I know it feels like you never will, and that you'll always feel the way you do right now. But I promise this won't last forever."

"How do you know?"

He was asking in desperation, needing the answer so badly, but his voice was still quiet and toneless.

"Because I used to feel just like that... so did Terra after he came back, and Riku too."

He looked up at her in surprise. "Riku?"

"Yes." She smiled at his shocked expression. "He told me about what happened when Xehanort's Heartless possessed him, and how he felt he betrayed you and Kairi. He and Terra have actually talked about it a lot. I think he felt like he lost himself for a long time as well."

He was staring at her with something close to awe on his face. To think that all three of them had felt that way. Riku was the strongest person he knew, and even he had felt he had lost who he was? He thought back to what Riku had said before their Mark of Mastery exam, about why he wanted to be tested.

I think that in my heart darkness still has a hold. Walking that path changed me. I'm not sure if I'm ready to wield a Keyblade yet.

Was that what he had meant? Had he been talking about something like this?

"I don't know everything that Riku went through or felt of course, but I know all three of us felt awful for a time. Terra and I both felt like there was something terribly wrong with us because we should have been happy after we both got home with Ven. We all spent a long time feeling sad and lost... We all found our way back though Sora."

She took her own Wayfinder out of her pocket and held it up in front of her, so the light from the moon shone through the blue panes of glass and glinted on the metal like it was a star. "And all three of us had help. I know I wouldn't have been able to find my way back alone."

She remembered clearly that moment in the realm of darkness, standing alone while colossal Heartless gathered around her, and resigning herself to her fate. To die alone in that place, and fade into the dark. Then Terra and Ven had come to her aid. Though so far away, and each trapped in their own way, they had somehow still reached out their hearts to her, and saved her.

"We all had friends who helped us, and who supported us while we rebuilt ourselves." She lowered her charm and gave him another warm smile. "Things might never be just the same as before, but one day you'll feel like yourself again."

He wasn't sure what to say. For the first time, it felt like someone understood what he was feeling. Maybe she even understood it better than he did. And she said Riku had felt like this too... maybe he should have tried talking to Riku about this. Instead, he had pushed him away...

It seemed Aqua could read his mind. "Riku wants to be there to help you, and Kairi too."

His face hardened and he looked away as he gripped his charm tighter, feeling his stomach burn. "I don't want to hurt them."

"Why do you think you'd hurt them?" she asked, a little surprised by this.

"I..." He paused to think and force the lump in his throat back down again. "I don't want them to be sad because of me and... If I'm alone then at least I know I won't hurt them more than I already have."

She paused to think for a while, pondering his answer. "Hmmm, well... think about it like this, if they were feeling the way you are now, you would want to help them no matter what, right?"

He jerked his head around, baffled by the obvious question. "Of course!"

"Right." She nodded at him. "And if they told you they didn't want you to help them, because it might make you sad as well, what would you say?"

"Oh," he realised what she was doing now and sighed. "I'd tell them it would be fine, that even if it did make me sad that was OK, we're friends so... I'd want to help them stop hurting."

She nodded at him again. "That's how they feel right now. It's how we all feel Sora. Friends support each other when they need each other."

He wasn't sure what to say to her. It was strange to hear words that he believed in completely and that had come from his own mouth, and disagree with them so strongly at the same time.

"You've helped all of us so much in the past. You sheltered Ven's heart for 10 years... and you saved me." He looked at her quizzically and she had to suppress a small laugh. "You were the one who pulled me out of the darkness, remember? I was sinking and honestly, I thought it was the end for me. But then I heard you call out to me Sora, and saw you reach out your hand for me to take when I needed help."

She reached out her arm and lightly placed a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe you're used to being the one who helps others, not the one who is given help."

He looked away from her again, turning his face downwards as he tried to process everything she was saying. He knew what it was like to take on the hurt of others, he knew that pain well. He didn't want other people to take on that same pain for him...

"You're allowed to need help, just like the rest of us."

She wondered if maybe he didn't think he was worth being given that much support, or maybe he was scared of other people giving too much to him, the same way he had given too much. He'd shared so much of himself, so much of his strength with others that he hadn't had enough left for himself. He'd quite literally faded away because of how much he gave. Maybe he was afraid someone would do the same for him. She suspected they would if they had to, but it wasn't going to come to that.

She took her hand back, conscious of how close to being overwhelmed he might already be and wanting to give him and his thoughts enough space. They went back to their silence for a long time, each watching the moon rising higher in the sky.

Eventually, movement caught Aqua's eye and she turned to Sora and saw him holding his Wayfinder by its chain, watching it spin slowly.

"You miss them, don't you?"

He gazed at his charm for a few seconds. "Yeah..." It felt awful to say it out loud, to acknowledge how much he needed them. At the same time, it felt like a small release though. He missed them more than anything, no matter how much he'd wanted to be alone.

"They miss you as much as you miss them."

When he didn't respond she took out her own charm again. "I was amazed when I first saw the Paupu fruit in the Destiny Islands and learnt that's where the tradition of these charms came from," she mused absentmindedly, smiling down at hers.

He stared at the charm in Aqua's hand. It was beautiful, just like all the Wayfinders were. Then he looked back down at his.

"My charm suits me," he heard himself say. "It's broken as well."

"It's not broken Sora." She shuffled over to sit right beside him and held out her hand. He let her take the charm and she held it up above them like she had held hers before, with the moon behind it. "See?"

As the light shone through it the cracks were illuminated, shining brightly against the rest of the shells. It reminded him of the trails of lights in the sky he had created so long ago, when he connected stars and Keyholes so he could reach his friends' hearts.

"It might not be exactly the same as it was before, but it's still the same Wayfinder, and it's still just as perfect." She handed it back to him. "Right?"
He stared at it for a while, and then gave a small smile. A real one.

"I can see why you were made a Master, Aqua." He looked up at her with deep gratitude. "Thank you."

She was surprised for a moment by what he said, then smiled and put a hand on top of his head. "Anytime Sora." She stood up to leave. "Try and get some sleep, OK?"

"OK." He nodded, and she left to return to the castle. It seemed like a good time to leave him to his own thoughts, and she could still keep an eye on him from up there. She didn't think that was necessary now but had promised the others she would. Her only challenge now would be staying awake...

Sora stared down at the charm for a long time, thinking about all the things Aqua had said. It was never going to be exactly the way it was, but it was still the same charm.

He held out his hand and summoned his Keyblade. He was expecting the Oathkeeper blade to appear before him, the one that always made him think of Kairi. But the blade that appeared looked different, and he realised this was the first time he had summoned it since she had made hers and Rikus' charms.

It was Oathkeeper. The same blue and yellow winged handle. The same two pale silver bars making up the shaft. The same heart and starlike teeth at its tip.

But a diamond-shaped gem had appeared at the spot where the hilt met the blade, a gem that shone like a rainbow.

In the light it seemed to shift from blue to yellow, then to green, orange, and magenta, the same colours that adorned his half of the combined Keyblade he and Riku used together. The gem was identical, in all but colour, to the one on the Oblivion blade. The Keyblade that had always reminded him of Riku.

Kairi had made the charms so all three of them would be connected, bound together. And it had worked.

The charm had been his light in the darkness of that world, his light in the darkness so many times. Because of the two of them.

Riku and Kairi.
His light.

Sora slept even less than usual after he finally made his way back to his room. Along with the usual things that kept him awake, he spent the night reflecting on Aqua's words.

He woke early and sat in his room for a while, staring out the window and thinking about all the times he had told others that their friends were there to help them and that they didn't need to take on all their troubles alone.

He'd told Riku off so many times for doing that exact thing, for shutting people out when he needed support. He'd told him he shouldn't have shouldered so many burdens alone. Riku had pushed him away because he had wanted to protect him and didn't want him to see him when he thought he was too full of darkness. He'd told Riku he was stupid for doing that. He'd told him that he should let his friends, let him, be there to help him.

But now here he was, having done the same thing to him. Having done the same thing to everyone else.

He couldn't do this alone anymore. He didn't want to anymore, even if letting them back in scared him. He couldn't keep going like this. He needed them.

If he kept trying to do this alone, he wouldn't be able to keep going.

He walked through the castle halls for a while looking for them. Both their rooms were empty. So were the kitchen, the living room, and the large hall they all often used for sparring. He used the time to think about what to say when he found them, unsure how to bridge the inevitable awkwardness. He didn't know how to apologise for how he had been acting, or how to even begin to explain how badly he needed them right now. He had no idea how he was going to ask them for help.

He left the castle to begin searching the grounds and found them in the courtyard right below the castle entrance. It was a beautiful day, no wonder they had come out here instead of hanging around inside.

Kairi was perched on the short stone wall that edged the courtyard, staring at her feet and saying something to Riku, who had his arms crossed, back turned to the doorway. Neither noticed as Sora descended the castle steps, but as he came into the courtyard Kairi looked up.

"Sora!"

Riku turned quickly and she stood up, both taken aback by seeing him standing in the centre of the courtyard, unsure how to react. There was silence for several long seconds, as Sora steeled himself. Then he gave them a tentative smile.

"Would it be OK if I join you guys?"

They stared for a moment, stunned, then beamed at him.

"Sure," Riku said.

Joy flooded Sora, and his eyes began stinging. "Thanks."

Kairi rushed forwards and hugged him, and he wrapped his arms around her. He hadn't realised how much he missed hugging her.
When they broke apart he turned to Riku, tears shining in his eyes but not yet falling as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Riku... I..." He trailed off and looked down at the ground. He wanted to apologise, or at least tell him he had been lying and he had never wanted him to go away, he had always wanted him here and always would. But he just couldn't find the words, and the silence stretched on.

Riku's smile faded. "Is it OK that I'm here?"

He'd barely finished the sentence when Sora started sprinting towards him, leaping into the air, and throwing his arms around his neck. Taken completely by surprise, Riku caught him around the waist as he jumped. Once he got over his shock he hugged him tightly, so happy to be with him again, pressing his face into his neck, never wanting to let go. Sora had missed the feeling of his arms around him even more.

"It's really good to see you," Sora told him, voice muffled against his own arms and Riku's shoulder.

"You too."

They held on to each other for a long time, Sora having to stand on his toes to stop himself from strangling Riku, and Kairi beaming with relief at seeing them reunited. When they broke apart they grinned at each other for a moment, but then Sora's face fell. The joy, that brief moment of relief, was draining away into the ground beneath. The dull pain in his chest was building once again, and the feeling that his insides were slowly rotting away returned.

"Riku, Kairi, I..." He looked from one to the other, having no idea what to say. Everything just hurt so much right now. His heart, his body, his mind, everything. "I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it... I just want it to stop."

Riku put a hand on his shoulder and smiled reassuringly, even though his heart was aching at Sora's words. "You're going to be OK again, I promise."

"We'll find our way through this," Kairi agreed, smiling again as well. He was still looking gaunt to her, and she wasn't sure when she had last seen him eat, so took his hand. "Let's start with breakfast," she said and led him, along with Riku, back inside.

On the title Hikari - Hikari is the title of the original Japanese version of Simple and Clean, and means light. The shape of the Oathkeeper keyblade is also based on the kanji for Hikari, 光

15/11/22 - Chapters 25, and 26 are posted on Archive of our own. I update first and more often there (although currently on hiatus) and then chuck some up here every now and then. Same user and story name.