Part 9
Brussel Sprout bad.
"Well now I've seen everything." Schuldig said in amazement at the spread laid out on the table before them. "First of all, one of the main florist assassins in the Kritiker stable has not only made enough food to feed half of Tokyo, but here's the killer." He looked at Aya who was stood at the sink in a brightly coloured apron, tight black leather trousers and a tight linen shirt, looking almost as good as the crisp golden goose on the table. Almost, the goose looked really good. "The one that has Satan going to work in a snow plough and buying shares in ice skates." Aya was stirring the carrots before he put them on the table. Crawford was also helping, and he was wearing a tight ribbed grey roll neck and a pair of jeans that looked like they had been spray painted on. "The truly amazing thing." Schuldig continued.
"He's singing." Yohji said from behind him. "I think I need a drink."
Aya was singing, loudly and almost out of tune, "What a beautiful day, hey hey, I'm the king of all time, and nothing is impossible, in my all powerful mind." He was also dancing to the music in his head, like a pole dancer in front of the stove.
Yohji reacted like any red blooded male would do in his position, to see his beautiful leader who was his "one true love" at least twice a month, even if he never let him do more than declare himself. He dropped the bottle of milk he was holding, watching it explode into a million white pieces across the floor.
That disrupted Aya from his show as Schuldig held his hand to his nose, hoping that by pinching both nostrils hard he could stave off the flow of blood he could feel forming. "Happy Christmas!" Aya beamed, and carried on with his song and dance routine, bending down to wipe up the milk in a way that made his wiggling ass stick out as he danced.
"Yes," Crawford said, moulding the stuffing into balls. "Happy Christmas." They didn't even flinch over the spilt milk where normally he would have exploded and be chasing him all over the Koneko screaming Shi-ne and brandished his new Katana in a meaningful manner.
"If it was anyone else but those two," Schuldig whispered, "I'd swear that they'd got laid."
"I know." Yohji whispered back. "But never them, the ice maiden of Weiss and Mr I'm so prim it hurts Crawford."
Schuldig decided to ask. "Have you two been drinking?"
"Did you get the brandy?" Aya asked, straightening up with a snap of his hips that rid Schuldig of what last restraint he had on his nosebleed, and handed him a napkin.
"Yuh, yuh, yuh." Yohji stammered. "I love you."
Aya kissed him on the nose, "and I love you too, Yohji, but you're only getting a kiss because you're stood under the mistletoe."
Schuldig shoved Yohji so hard he slammed into the stove and banged his head on a cupboard. "I'b udder the bistletoe dow." He exclaimed happily.
"Then you shall have a kiss too." Aya beamed with a really big grin, and kissed Schuldig on the forehead.
"I lub you doo." Schuldig said through the napkin rammed up his nose.
Crawford was still smiling but somehow he didn't look at all amused.
"Clear the way," Ken shouted from the door, "injured person coming through."
"For crying out loud!" They heard Farfarello yelled, "it's not that bad. I've done worse falling out of bed."
"Omi," Aya cried, running over with the first aid kit as Ken laid him out on the couch, "poor baby, what did you do?"
Farfarello looked at Ken, Ken looked back. Then they pointed in unison. "Pod person!" They shouted moving away.
"He's beed dwinkink." Schuldig said as if it explained everything.
"Why do I have to have been drinking to be in a good mood?" Aya asked, delicately wiping down Omi's split knee with antiseptic.
"What happened to our Aya who would tell me to live with it whilst pouring on surgical spirit?" Omi asked, warily.
"Pod person." Ken and Farfarello shouted together. "Go away and bring our mean Aya back."
Aya sniffled, then he looked up and a rather sly grin crept across his face which was the colour of wintry cream. "Omi, Nagi, did you know that you were under the mistletoe?" He went to lean forward when Crawford called something out from the kitchen. "Well, if I can't kiss you, then you'll just have to kiss each other." He stood up, "I have to leave you, boys, because dinner's burning." He went back into the kitchen with a sway to his hips that just caused Schuldig to clutch his nose again.
"Pod person." Farfarello shouted. "Can I kill him?"
"I've been with him all morning." Crawford answered from the door with his arms crossed and his expression was dangerous, "and I know he's not a pod person." He enunciated that very carefully. "And any attempts to kill the chef will result in no Christmas dinner. The fact is that Abyssinian has just found his Christmas spirit."
"Vodka." Yohji coughed into his hand as Crawford went back to helping in the kitchen. "He always gets kissy on vodka."1
"And who did he kiss?" Nagi asked. He knew the instant that everyone left them alone he was claiming the mistletoe kiss from Omi, come hell, high water, or the trail of dead he created to get rid of them.
"Schuldig and me." Yohji said with a beam. "Come on, dinner must be ready by now, I'm hungry." This was accented by a very loud tummy rumble.
"And so is your pod person by the sound of it." Ken said. "Hey, Nagi, are you going to help Omi in?"
"I can walk, Ken-ken." Omi said, "I've just scraped my knee."
Yohji opened the door to walk into the kitchen, then closed it and turned around. "Okay," he said, shocked.
"What?" Ken asked.
"It's not attack of the juju laced voodoo turkey is it?" Schuldig asked.
"It was a goose Schuldig," Omi said, "not a turkey, even if it does scan better."
"It would make a great horror movie." Farfarello admitted. "One of those 1950's jobs with the man in the rubber suit that looks like a pickle with lobster claws." He clapped his fingers against his thumbs in an approximation of claws as he said it.
"But," Yohji protested, they weren't listening now.
"I love those movies." Ken said with a gush. "But you don't understand, doctor, that creature is from beyond mortal ken."
"An immortal Ken?" Nagi hooted with a laugh.
"But you don't understand." Yohji protested, "they're," the words were lacking. "Mistletoe."
"Well spit it out," Schuldig asked, "we haven't got all day, and I'm hungry and you're in the way of the kitchen."
"Crawford, Aya, spelunking, mistletoe." He managed to stammer out. 2
"Now you're not even speaking Japanese. Aya, we're coming in, is dinner ready?" Omi shouted.
There was a moment before Aya answered. "Yeah, it's all on the table now." And continued with his happy little song. "I was drinking in my night club, It felt good to be back, when Hepburn said "I love you", And Flynn said, "Make mine a double Jack." 3
The spread for Christmas dinner was huge, there were multiple types of potato, mashed, boiled, roasted and croquettes. There were two types of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, sweet corn, brussel sprouts, cabbage and, being Japan, rice. Pride of place on the table was a large golden roast goose surrounded by cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon. There were four bottles of white wine open and eight wine glasses, suggesting that Crawford had been convinced to let Nagi drink (one of the bottles was non alcoholic but Nagi and Omi weren't to know that). In fact there was such a spread of food on the table, including three types of gravy, hollandaise sauce and cranberry and burgundy jelly, that there was no room for plates.
"There's no room for plates." Omi said looking at the magnificent spread.
Aya just laughed. "Do you know, I knew I'd forgot something." He looked at Yohji, "Are you all right, you look like you've seen a ghost?" He looked so happy Yohji just burst out crying. "I know, why don't we all heap up our plates and eat in the parlour."
"Pod person!" Ken shouted. The real Aya would never have suggested such a thing.
"Oh, you're silly." Aya said.
"Pod person." Omi added, pointing.
"Brussel sprouts hurt god." Farfarello shouted heaping his plate with the small green spheroid vegetables. "I love brussel sprouts.4 Can I have them all?" He looked at them and was holding his knife in a rather threatening manner.
"If you love them that much of course you can have them." Aya said with a smile, then a look of the usual flintiness returned, "of course you're spending the evening alone in the garden if you do."
Farfarello spent a moment weighing up the pros and cons of the arrangement. "Deal." He said. "I don't feel the cold."
"That will be the haze of methane," Schuldig said, "from eating all those vile vegetables."
"I've never had one." Omi said, he turned his biggest puppy dog eyes at Farfarello, "can I try one, please? Just one."
Farfarello thought about it. "Okay," he said, "but only one, they're mine, all mine."
Omi stuck his fork in and lifted one out. "It looks like a baby cabbage." He said, and bit into it, it was tender, it was slightly salted, it melted in the mouth. "Eeeuuughh." He said spitting it out into his napkin, "how can you eat those? Ugh, now I know what they mean by Brussel sprout bad."
"Give him a few hours," Schuldig said wryly looking at Farfarello, "then you'll know what they mean by Brussel sprout bad. They're like lightning seeds." Omi didn't look any more enlightened. "Fart pellets." He explained.
Farfarello had brought his legs up to his shoulders with the bowl of brussels held protectively to his chest, "my precious," he murmured, then devoured one of them whole. "Abyssinian. You make the best brussel sprouts. Ooh, pass the butter, and the hollandaise, and the white wine gravy, oh and some goose." He took the offered plate. Then looked at Aya and put the plate down for a moment. "I love you, you really cook to hurt god."
"How can cooking hurt god?" Nagi asked.
"It just does. I will never kill you." He gushed at Aya.
"This is really good." Nagi said, spearing a floret of cauliflower.
"We forgot to say grace." Ken said suddenly. Farfarello noticeably stiffened. "For what we are about to receive, Aya, we are truly grateful."
"Amen." The Irishman said, raising his wine glass. "Three cheers for our happy cook, I like him better than the old Abyssinian. Crawford, can we keep him?"
Crawford smirked and Yohji spluttered, choking on his sweet corn. "I was thinking the same thing."
Aya beamed.
Omi realised something was going on and he had no idea what it was. "so," he said determined to change the subject. "If you were an American super hero who would you be?"
"Wolverine." Ken answered with a laugh. Someone groaned.
"Spiderman," Yohji said, "because of the threads."
"And the super tight pants." Nagi added with a laugh.
"I'd be Batman," Crawford said, "because we're both business men with secret identities."
"The Green Arrow." Omi said, "Nagi?"
Nagi thought about it, "I suppose I'd be Robin because I'm Batman's younger henchman."
"You only have henchman if you're evil." Aya chided. "I suppose I'd be Nightwing, a lone wolf that doesn't talk to people."
"Nothing to do with Batman, I suppose?" Yohji asked archly.
"Certainly not, different cities." Aya said loftily. "And you, Farfarello?"
"Darkman, he doesn't feel pain." They all nodded though most of them hadn't even heard of him. "That leaves you, Schuldig?"
"I don't have an idea." He said, "can anyone think of a German super hero?"
"Nightcrawler from the X-men," Ken hooted. "He's German."
"He's also bright blue." Schuldig protested.
"What about Doctor Destiny?" Omi asked, "he can read minds."
"He's a villain." Crawford said.
"There's always the Flash." Nagi said with an open smile. "Aren't you like the fastest man on Earth?"
"I'll get you for that, kiddo, believe you me." And Nagi believed him.
Author's Note:
When writing nosebleed talk, it is often helpful to hold your nose and then repeat the phrase. It really does work as well as it sounds.
1. I checked Geisha and when Aya gets kissy he's been drinking vodka.
2. I laughed so hard when I was writing this, for obvious reasons, poor Yotan, you can just imagine what he saw. For those that don't know, spelunking (or potholing) is a type of caving involving very small caves.
3.The song Aya sings all the way through this chapter is "What a beautiful day" and is by the Levellers, and is super happy, like I love you by the Scanty without being as annoying.
4 I love brussels as much as Farfarello so that I can write this is amazing.
5 I left it open for a reason, reader poll, what super hero do you think would suit our poor little Schu-Schu?