Protection in Dreams

by Topsy

An ElliotOlivia fic that deals with nightmares and guilt.

Title: Protection in Dreams

Author: Topsy

Rating: PG-13

Summary: An Elliot/Olivia story that deals with their nightmares and their guilt.

Author's Notes: A little OOC and I changed some facts about Elliot's marriage around a bit. Nothing major. Thanks to Cari for beta-ing.

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, I'm just borrowing them to fuel my creative juices… or something.

&&--&&

December 17, 2004 – January 8, 2005

&&--&&

"Get down, bitch!" The voice ordered her firmly under his breath. He pressed a gun to her temple before he pushed her down onto the concrete. She scraped her palms as she fell and she could feel the burning sting as her skin was left behind on the ground. "If you scream, I'll put a bullet in your brain."

No, no, God, let me go, don't do this. Please don't rape me. She pleaded quietly in her head. She was in the same alley where her mother had been raped. His weight was on her, pressing down into her. She couldn't breathe, oh God, she couldn't breathe. She couldn't see anything, it was so dark. The fear welled up in her, a big black suffocating wave that threatened to overtake her.

The gun. My gun. I have to get my gun. She thought through the fog in her brain. She reached for it, but there was nothing there. Not a holster, nothing. A hideously evil laugh filled the air and she started kicking and screaming, pounding her fists into his chest. He just laughed. Over the laugh she heard the sickening sound of his zipper as he lowered it.

She felt him jam himself into her and she cried out loudly in pain. He pushed and pushed and pushed and he was splitting her in two. After every thrust, a harsh grunt passed through his lips. Oh God. I'm a cop. I have to stop him. Fight.

But she couldn't get her limbs to move. She felt as if they were slowly being filled with heavy lead. All of the horrors of her job started to flash before her eyes and she was so angry and so sad that she was now one of those horrors. There was nothing she could do about it. She felt like she was swallowing water, suffocating. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move.

He backhanded her across the mouth and she saw stars dancing in front of her eyes. Why can't I see his face? She tried to claw at his face, but it was just a big black empty hole. There was nothing there. Who is he? My father? God save me. I can't see, I can't see. Help me, Mom. She slid under into the blackness.

Just as the darkness enveloped her, she shot up in bed. "Oh God," she moaned out loud and dropped her face into her hands. She pushed the heavy covers off of her sweaty body. Just a dream, Olivia, it was just a dream. Breathe. She took a deep breath of air and then drew her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rocked herself as she shuddered from the chilled air against her sweaty skin and the pain she still felt inside of her from the dream. "You're okay," she murmured quietly to herself. "You're okay." There is nobody here. No one is going to hurt you.

Before she could stop them, the tears bubbled up in her chest and poured down her cheeks. She'd had dreams like this before, dreams where she was being raped or her mother was being raped and sometimes she couldn't distinguish between the two. It didn't seem to matter because she always felt the pain in her body and when she woke up, the nightmares would stay with her for days, haunting her. This would be no different, she knew.

You're okay, you're Detective Olivia Benson. You have a gun right beside you and a phone. No one is here and you are a big girl now, you can protect yourself. You know what to do. You're okay. Breathe, Liv, just breathe.

&&--&&

"Good morning," Elliot said and smiled at Olivia as she walked in. She smiled half-heartedly and shoved her things into her locker. "Hey," she replied. She glanced quickly at some of the papers on her desk before she headed to the coffee machine.

His eyebrows scrunched together and he looked at her. He watched her get her coffee and then take a big gulp of it before she headed back to her desk. She slid into the seat and sighed.

"Rough night?" Elliot asked quietly. She looked up at him and saw the blatant concern in his eyes.

"Insomnia," she said and tried her best to smile.

"Why?" He asked quietly.

"Just last night for some reason. No specific reason," she said, purposely leaving out the part about her nightmare. She had experienced them for years and never told a soul. Elliot watched her for a few more moments. "El, I'm fine, I promise," she said after glancing up to see him still looking at her. He nodded.

"Alright," he said and turned back to his work.

&&--&&

"Benson. Stabler," Cragen said as he walked from his office to the bullpen. They looked up from their spots at their respective desks. "What are you going to do about this DeMarco guy?" Cragen asked.

"The only thing that's really left to do is to watch him," Elliot said.

"A stakeout?" Cragen asked. Olivia nodded and Cragen sighed.

"All right, I guess you'll take shifts," Cragen said and motioned to Munch and Fin. They looked up. "Is it alright if I give the two of you the second shift and give Munch and Fin the first shift?" Cragen asked Olivia and Elliot. They shrugged and nodded their agreement. They just wanted to nail the bastard. "I'll set up another team for the third shift and then we'll start over tomorrow morning."

&&--&&

Olivia and Elliot sat in their car, watching the apartment building of Robert DeMarco, the man who was kidnapping and raping little girls before he killed them. One little girl, Ellie Peterson, had managed to escape. DeMarco took the little girls to what Ellie had described as a building that sounded like an empty warehouse and kept them there until he was finished with them and ready to kill them. He didn't stay with them the whole time, so Ellie had managed to get away before he had come back. She was found dazed and wandering the streets of the city before someone found her and called it in.

She was only seven-years-old and now her life would never be the same. Ellie was so disoriented after she escaped that she didn't know where she had been when he was keeping her, so they hadn't been able to go back to the scene and gather evidence. The best they could get out of her was a small description of the supposed warehouse. Since DeMarco had worn a mask, she hadn't been able to give them any details about his physical description. Plus, to her, he was the size of a monster, not just an ordinary man, so all she could say to describe him was that he was big.

After weeks of sifting through evidence and doing mind-numbing police work, they had finally managed to connect the crimes to Robert DeMarco, but the problem was their evidence had only lead them to him, it hadn't tied him to the rapes or murders. DeMarco had a previous record for fondling a child in public, but the charges against him had been dropped. They had found a fiber on one of the dead bodies that lead them to the place he worked, a fiberglass company. He didn't have an alibi for any of the murders. The SVU squad had put him in a line-up and tried to have Ellie identify him, but she had gotten confused and had failed to identify him correctly the first time. She wasn't sure if it was him or another guy, so his lawyer had blown that eyewitness out of the water, and she was their only witness. They didn't have any DNA evidence on him, so they had to let him go.

Elliot and Olivia knew DeMarco was their guy. When they had brought him in for questioning, he had been overly cocky and had virtually bragged about raping and murdering those little girls without actually admitting it. Elliot and Olivia knew he was doing it, but they didn't have anything solid enough for an arrest. DeMarco wanted to be caught, but he had a good lawyer and he wasn't willing to confess. He wanted them to be able to prove it was him, because he thought they could never outsmart him. They knew it was him and they knew he would continue to hurt little girls because his ego had been boosted when they had picked him up but hadn't been able to hold him. They also knew that he was so confident that he would do it soon, if he hadn't already picked up another little girl.

That's why they were there watching for him. They had a feeling that he had another little girl. They had a few missing person reports and they just knew that one of them had to be DeMarco's next victim.

"Liv?" Elliot asked, shifting in his seat once again as he tried to comfort his numb ass.

"Yeah?" she asked quietly, her head propped up in her right hand. She tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.

"Do you think he knows we're here?" he asked. She glanced at him.

"Why do you say that?" she asked. He shrugged.

"If he has another little girl, he has to be anxious to get to her. Why haven't we seen him leave yet?" he asked. It was her turn to shrug.

"Who knows with these psychos," she replied.

"I wonder if there is another way out," he said.

"We checked and we couldn't find any." Elliot tilted his head sideways, working out a kink in his neck.

"That doesn't necessarily mean we're right," he replied. She sighed.

"Well, I sincerely hope we are, or I'll be pissed that we've wasted all this time making my ass sore." He chuckled slightly and ran his hand over his face.

"I need to shave," he muttered. She smirked and made a visual sweep of the neighborhood once more. "Liv?" he asked again. She rolled her eyes and looked at him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have insomnia a lot?" he asked quietly. Her brows furrowed a little. She shrugged.

"Sometimes, why?" she asked.

"Me too," he replied. They looked at each other for a few moments, understanding passing between the two of them. Understanding that only two people who worked in the sex crimes unit could understand. They looked away, watching the apartment doors again. "Do you dream?" Elliot asked quietly. She looked at him in surprise.

"Yeah," she said.

"I do too."

"What about?" she asked, hoping he would tell her. Hoping he would tell her what he dreamt about before he asked her what she dreamt about. He shrugged.

"Lots of things." He sighed. "Being useless." She glanced at him, a little surprised and confused by his answer. "I have dreams about… about the girls, and Kathy, and you." He stopped but didn't look at her, even though she was staring at him. She didn't say anything, waiting for him to continue. "All of you being in trouble, something happening to one of you and me being unable to stop it. Having to watch… watch bad things happen that I can't stop." Olivia's heart went out to him, not exactly understanding how he must feel. How it must feel to have three daughters and a wife to protect from the horrors they saw every day. She turned and looked away, her eyes not really seeing the scene in front of her.

"I dream about it, too," she started talking quietly. He glanced at her for a moment, before looking back out at the street in front of them. "I dream about… my mother. My father. Me," she said and she rubbed a hand gently over her forehead. "It becomes so hard to… distinguish between my mother and myself sometimes in my dreams." She sighed roughly, hating the way her heart picked up its pace slightly with memories from the dreams. "Last night I had a bad one," she said softly.

He looked at her quickly, watching her now. She continued on as if she was in a detached trance. "It was me that time. We were… we were in the alley where my mom was raped." Olivia felt her hand tremble, so she clasped her hands together tightly in her lap to keep it from happening. They're just dreams, she told herself silently. "I think it was my dad who was on top of me." She shuddered, reliving the horrors in her mind.

"Liv, it's okay, you don't…" Elliot tried to stop her, but she continued on as if she hadn't heard him.

"But I can't see his face, y'know? I don't know who he is or what he looks like and I can't see his face. But it just hurts so much, and I can barely move. I reach for my gun, but it's not there. I claw at his face, but there's nothing there, either. Just a big… black hole," she said quietly and swallowed. "And then I wake up." She looked at him then and he was surprised to find that her eyes were dry. He reached for her hands in her lap and he gathered one in his. It felt like ice. He rubbed it vigorously between his palms to try and warm her up.

"Just dreams, Liv, they're just dreams," he said softly, staring at her. She nodded then.

"I know it, in my head, I know it. Logically. I wake up and tell myself over and over that I'm okay now. That it's not real. But I still dread going to sleep some nights. But it's random, I don't know when they're going to come and haunt me." She looked out the window again, remembering they were there for a purpose.

"Mine have gotten worse," he said, still holding her hand in between his. She glanced at him, but kept one hand trained on the apartment building. "They've gotten worse since I've been sleeping alone," he said, nearly whispering. She turned to him completely, her eyes widening.

"What?" she asked.

"Kathy left me," he said simply.

"What, God, Elliot? Why?" she asked. He smiled ironically and looked out the window, pulling himself back onto his side of the car, dropping her hands.

"She couldn't handle it anymore she said," he said, his voice gruff.

"Oh, Elliot, you should have said something. Have you told Cragen?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No, I haven't told anyone at work. Just my family," he said with a shrug.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, not accusing, just curious. He sighed.

"I guess…" He trailed off and then he rubbed his hand over his eyes. "I didn't want you to think I was a failure."

"What? Elliot, I would never think that. I don't think that," she said and he turned to look at her. "Maybe there were times when I thought you should go home to be with them, but that's not really fair, is it? Cragen, Munch, Fin, and I don't have families to go home to. We can stay whenever. So I thought you should go, that we could handle it. But you're one of us. We're partners, we're all a team. You have that same… thing inside of you that we all have. You can't abandon that and you weren't abandoning your family." She sighed, angry now with Kathy, for pulling the rug out from underneath Elliot. "It's Kathy's fault that she didn't understand." Elliot's shoulders slumped in relief that his partner, whose opinion meant so much to him, didn't think he was a failure. They both sat, staring straight out the window once again. Olivia felt the anger building up inside of her. How could Kathy do that to him? How could she just abandon him? He held onto his family like a lifeline. It was his way of pulling himself out of the darkness that was their job. The rest of them had adapted otherwise, but that was his way. And now it was gone.

"Where did she go?" Olivia asked softly. He sighed.

"To her mother's."

"Did she take the kids with her?"

"Yeah, but I mean, she had to. She's not keeping me from them. It's not about that, you know? She just… she couldn't be with me anymore, Liv, and I understand that. I wasn't there for her enough. And the kids have to go with her because I can't be there when I'm working." He pinched the bridge of his nose quickly. "I guess we're just going to have to set up some sort of routine. God, I hate that. I hate the thought of that. I hate that my children won't be there every night when I come home, even if they are already in bed half the time." Olivia reached over and patted his knee gently. She didn't know what to say, she didn't have any words to comfort him. She reached for his hand and squeezed it in hers. He looked at her and they smiled slightly at each other, grateful for one another. The look that passed between them was one of thanks. They were glad to have the other one to talk to about stuff like this, but neither of them had to actually say it. They turned quickly back to the street, silent now. They didn't need to talk anymore.

Nearly an hour later, Elliot groaned out loud. "Oh my God, my ass hurts," he said, shifting lower in his seat, trying to relieve the pressure on his butt.

"I understand, believe me," Olivia said, her cheek squished into the palm of her hand as she leaned against the door. Her eyelids drooped a little as she watched the front of his building. She suddenly sat up straighter when someone opened the front door of DeMarco's building and looked around.

"Elliot," she said. He looked up quickly and straightened in his seat, quickly forgetting about the aches of his body.

"God damn, it's him!" Elliot exclaimed and Olivia reached for the radio.

"He's not going to his car," she said quietly.

"What the hell?" Elliot asked, watching. He hadn't started the car up yet, not wanting to alert DeMarco of their presence.

"She has to be close," Olivia replied. "Within walking distance." She paused. "Son of a bitch." Olivia put the radio up to her mouth and started to speak into it. She gave their location as Elliot started the car and tried to drive inconspicuously behind their perp. He was hurrying along, his hands tucked into his pockets as the wind seeped through his coat.

"Bastard," Elliot muttered under his breath. They followed behind, hoping that he wouldn't notice they were back there.

"We have to get him," Olivia whispered, her voice tight.

"We will," Elliot growled out, needing to be sure of himself. Olivia said something else into the radio as DeMarco turned a corner.

"Don't lose him," Olivia said and Elliot pressed down on the gas to make sure he didn't. They followed him for a few more moments, the air in the car tense as they both waited for him to realize they were there, or that he would just slip out of sight. They turned down another dark street and Elliot shook his head.

"If we keep following him, he's going to figure it out. There are no other cars out here."

"Pull into that parking lot," Olivia said, pointing to her right.

"Watch him," Elliot said as he turned the car. Olivia strained her neck to keep him in her sights. He shut the car off quickly. "C'mon," he said and got out of the car as quickly and quietly as he could. She followed suit, instinctively reaching for her gun. She followed him around the car quickly and he came up to the corner of a building. "Turn your radio down," Elliot whispered. She reached down and clicked the incoming sound off. "Stay behind me," Elliot demanded as he round the corner. He watched up ahead as DeMarco turned to his left. Elliot started jogging quietly towards the corner and Olivia followed just behind him, her heart pounding hard in her chest as the adrenaline rushed through her. Elliot stopped at the corner, watching DeMarco as he walked down the street. Elliot didn't want to follow too closely behind him. Suddenly Elliot turned and looked at her in the darkness.

"He just went into a building," Elliot said. Her jaw tightened and she nodded, knowing he felt the same adrenaline rushing through him as she did. She reached for her radio and rattled off their address. She asked for back up and told the person on the other end that she had turned off the sound so as not to alert the perp. Then she put it back at her waist and looked at Elliot.

"Ready?" he asked. She nodded and he turned, heading toward the building. They reached it quickly and looked around, looking for all the entrances. "There's all kinds of exits."

"We should wait for back up," Olivia said quietly. He turned to look at her quickly and they nodded, knowing they couldn't do that. Neither one of them could just stand by and wait when they knew he had a little girl in there that he could be raping at that exact moment.

"Should," Elliot replied and reached for the door handle.

"Go," Olivia said quietly and he tried the handle. He was surprised to find it unlocked, but he figured it was probably just an abandoned warehouse that DeMarco didn't have the keys to. When he opened the door he saw the broken lock on the inside, but his attention was quickly diverted as he looked into the dark room.

"We're going to have to use our flashlights," Elliot said with regret. DeMarco knew his way around this building and if they went in completely blind, they'd never find him before he realized they were there and escaped. Olivia reached for hers, pulling it up beside her gun as she followed Elliot into the building.

He swept the room first with his flashlight, taking in the crumbling walls and the random pieces of wood strewn about the floor of the room. He aimed the flashlight at one doorway and Olivia aimed it at the other doorway. Elliot picked one and started walking towards it, listening for noises to help him find his way to DeMarco and the girl. They started walking further into the building, flashlights sweeping the rooms as they tried to stay as silent as possible. Every now and then the building creaked and groaned, sometimes under their feet, and they would stop and listen for any sounds. They heard nothing.

"Liv?" Elliot whispered. "You should call and let them know where we are." She nodded into the darkness and reached for her radio. She pressed the button and whispered quietly in to it before placing it back at her hip. She couldn't hear their reply, but she figured it didn't matter.

"Okay," Olivia whispered back. Elliot continued moving in the darkness, with only the light from their flashlights to lead them. Olivia felt sweat roll down her cheek and wished her arms would stop that slight trembling that she always experienced when the adrenaline was rushing through her like this. She could feel the power rolling between her and Elliot in hot waves. When she managed to catch a glimpse of him when her beam of light fell over him, she saw the sweat beading on the back of his neck and knew he felt the same way as her. She felt deeply connected to him on that level because only her partner could truly understand this exact feeling.

They both froze when they heard a noise coming from the end of the hallway. They both instinctively clicked off their flashlights, listening for noise and searching for light.

"At the end of the hall," Elliot whispered. There was a beam of light just barely showing from underneath a door. Olivia heard him moving towards the door, so she crept quietly behind him. Suddenly she could hear the sounds of a little girl crying and she felt the intensity in the air nearly crackle between her and her partner.

Suddenly a loud clatter rang out and Olivia stopped dead in her tracks. It was Elliot, he had tripped over something that was in the hallway and had knocked over a piece of wood. "Shit," she just barely heard him whisper. There was a loud scuffle at the end of the hallway and then the light when out.

"God dammit," Elliot cursed and turned his flashlight on. Olivia did the same and felt her heard pounding hard against her ribs. They heard several noises at the end of the hallway and the little girl started to scream. "Son of a bitch," Elliot said and began moving quickly towards the door as all hell broke loose. Elliot kicked open the door and ran into the darkened room. He could see the little girl sitting on a bed, tears rolling down her dirt-streaked face. Olivia and Elliot swept the room with their lights, backs to each other before they finally turned back to the little girl when they found the room was empty.

"Where is he?" Elliot asked her as gently as he could.

"He went out," she sobbed, pointing towards a small crawl space tunnel in the corner of the room, near the door. The tunnel had it's own door with a lock on it, but he hadn't bothered to lock it behind him in his escape.

"Dammit," Olivia muttered and lowered her weapon for just a moment. Suddenly she heard a noise behind her and she whirled around, but it was too late. She felt the cold metal of the knife slicing into her left side and she cried out Elliot's name in pain. He turned to her, gun and flashlight pointed.

"Mother fucker," Elliot growled and as soon as DeMarco stepped just one step to the left, Elliot took his shot, sending a bullet straight through DeMarco's heart. DeMarco fell back and the knife clattered to the floor. As soon as he was down, Elliot lowered his gun and looked at Olivia.

"Elliot," she whispered and pressed her hand to her side as blood gushed through her fingers.

"Oh my God," he said and he quickly clipped his gun back onto his hip before he reached for her. She stumbled and he grabbed her, holding her in his arms as she went down. "Liv, Liv, no," Elliot said, feeling his nightmares coming true. He heard the little girl behind him sobbing and he glanced at her. She had her head buried in her knees and her arms wrapped tightly around herself as she sobbed loudly.

"Michelle," Elliot said softly, recognizing the little girl from one of the missing persons reports they had. She looked up. "Are you hurt?" he asked. She shook her head and he nodded quickly before turning back to Olivia. He reached for the radio at his hip.

"We have an officer down, stab wound, I need a bus," he said, his voice hard and angry. "The little girl is okay, but send a bus for her too. Robert DeMarco is dead." He looked down at Olivia and immediately jumped into action. He grabbed the blanket off the foot of the bed and rolled it up under Olivia's head. He moved around, looking down at her wound. "Olivia, baby, stay with me, stay with me," he said and looked at her. Her face was pale and sweaty as she opened her eyes, trying to focus on him.

"El," she moaned. He pressed his hand to her side and she groaned.

"I'm so sorry, Livvy, I'm sorry. I know it hurts," he said and watched her close her eyes. He leaned over her and since his hands were busy applying pressure, he used his mouth to try and keep her awake. He pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth and nudged her with his nose. "Open your eyes, baby." She opened them, staring up at him. He could feel panic bubbling in his gut and he thought he might actually start crying. "Talk to me, Livvy," he ordered firmly but gently.

"Hurts," she whispered.

"I know, Liv, I know, but you've gotta stay with me now, okay?" She moved her head in what he took as a nod. "Good girl. You did a great job. We got her; we saved Michelle. She's okay," Elliot said and he kissed her quickly when she closed her eyes again. She opened her eyes to see him leaning over her.

"Tired."

"I know, but don't close those beautiful eyes, okay? Look at me, Olivia, just look at me. DeMarco's dead, we got him. And we're going to get you to the hospital and you'll be fine. You'll be back to work with me tomorrow," he said. She closed her eyes again. "Olivia!" he exclaimed, but she didn't open her eyes. "Liv, open!" he ordered and he pressed his lips firmly to hers. She didn't open her eyes. "God dammit, Olivia, open your eyes." When her eyes stayed closed, he reached for his radio again with a blood soaked hand. "Where the hell are the buses?" Elliot yelled into the radio.

&&--&&

Elliot watched the ambulance doors close after they wheeled Olivia's gurney inside. He watched it drive away before he looked down, staring at the dark red color on his hands. Her blood was on his hands. He might never forgive himself.

"Elliot," Cragen said, coming up to him. "C'mon, we're going to take you back to the station to get a shower. Elliot shook his head. Cragen pulled his arm, leading him away.

&&--&&

"She's in surgery," Munch announced when Elliot walked quickly into the waiting area. He nodded grimly, and took a seat beside Fin. "They said she should be okay." Elliot didn't say anything. Fin and Munch looked at each other and Munch shrugged.

"She should be out soon," Fin said quietly to Elliot. He nodded tersely and ran his hand over his face. Then his hands dropped to his lap and he stared at them. He had washed all of her blood away at Cragen's orders. He had watched the dark red rolling off of him and swirling around and into the drain in the precinct showers. Even though it had all come off, he knew he would always feel the presence of her blood on his hands. He would never forget how it felt. He would never let go of his guilt.

About thirty minutes later, a surgeon came into the room. Cragen had arrived in the waiting room a few minutes after Elliot, so the four men stood up when the doctor came in. Elliot moved the closest to the surgeon.

"How is she?" he asked. The doctor took off his surgical hat and nodded.

"She's okay, we've got her in an ICU bed right now. She probably won't wake up for a few hours until the anesthesia wears off. But she's going to be okay."

Elliot's head drooped in relief and he ran a hand over the back of his neck. "Can we see her?"

"One at a time," the doctor said. "But don't stay for very long. You can come back in the morning to see her and we're hoping she'll be able to be moved out of the ICU by then and into her own room." The four men nodded and the doctor turned and walked back down the hallway.

"You go ahead, Elliot," Cragen said. Elliot shook his head.

"No, you guys go first, I'll go last," he said and made his way back to the chairs. He slumped into them, knowing he had to wait a few minutes before he could go see her. His knees were too weak to get him there.

"I'll go," Fin said and headed down the hallway. Cragen and Munch stood, hands in their pockets, staring at Elliot.

&&--&&

Elliot pushed his way into the ICU and he looked at all the beds set up with various people in them. Some had curtains drawn over their areas. He found Olivia and he walked towards her slowly, dread curdling in his belly. He walked up beside her bed and pulled the curtains around them, not wanting anyone to see him.

He sat in the stool that was beside her bed, figuring that's where Munch, Fin, and Cragen had sat by her side. He stared down at her, hating the sight of it all. Her face didn't look any different than she would if she was just sleeping, but he knew better. She was slightly pale, and he studied her arms where the IV's were hooked up to her. He could only see her shoulders and arms and he hated to see the stupid whiteness of the hospital gown and the sheets that covered her. He just wanted to gather her up in his arms and run away, take her some place safe. Logically he knew she was safe there, but he hated to see her like this. He knew she would hate that they had all seen her like that, too.

He desperately wanted to rewind time and go back to the time when they had been sitting in the car together. He knew he couldn't, so instead he gathered her hand up into his hands and dipped his head as tears began to drip down his cheeks.

I should have protected her.

&&--&&

The next day, Olivia woke to feel sunlight streaming in through a window and warming her skin. For just a moment she felt content, almost cozy. But then she tried to move and every ache and pain came crashing down onto her. She moaned and her eyes fluttered open.

She remembered being stabbed, she remembered Elliot leaning over her, pressing on her wound. She remembered the hard kisses he had pressed to her lips. She remembered waking up after the surgery and having the nurses explain to her what was wrong. They had moved her to her own room then and she had fallen back to sleep immediately, too exhausted and sore to do anything else.

"Olivia?" She heard her name and turned her head slowly to find Cragen sitting at her side. She managed a small, weak smile.

"Hi," she murmured. He smiled down at her.

"Good morning."

"How long have you been here?" she asked, though her mouth felt dry and rough.

"About thirty minutes or so. What do you need?" he asked, sensing her struggling.

"First of all, water," she croaked out. He chuckled and reached for a pitcher that was at the foot of her bed.

"The nurse said you would say that. She told me to give you some ice chips if you woke up," Cragen said and scooped up some chips into a cup. Olivia found a button at her fingertips and she pushed it, raising her bed into a slight sitting position. She reached for the cup when he handed it to her. "How do you feel?" he asked as she slid a refreshing piece of ice onto her tongue.

"Mmm," she murmured, and then looked at him. "Actually, my side hurts a little, but I think they've got me so drugged up that I can't tell as much." Cragen chuckled. "I'm pretty stiff, but I think that comes with the territory of sleeping on a hospital bed."

"And probably with being stabbed in the side," he said. She smiled and nodded.

"That's true," she said and sucked on some more ice. She sighed and leaned back, resting her head against the bed. Then she opened her eyes and looked at him. "How's Elliot?"

"He's… pretty torn up, Olivia," Cragen said. She nodded and ate another piece of ice.

"Has he been here?" she asked quietly.

"He sat with you last night for nearly thirty minutes, the nurse said. He was only supposed to be in there for five minutes, but she said they let him stay." Cragen left out the part about the nurse hearing Elliot crying. Cragen himself felt embarrassed to have that knowledge, so he didn't share it with Olivia.

"He's going to blame himself."

"You'd do the same if the situation were reversed," Cragen said. She looked at him and knew he was right. "I gave Elliot the day off, so maybe he'll be in to see you."

"When do I get to go home?" she asked.

"The nurse says if you're feeling okay in the morning, they'll release you. But she doesn't like the fact that you live alone." Olivia snorted a little.

"What does she want to do about it? Does she wanna move in with me for a few days?" she asked. Cragen smiled.

"If you want, you can come stay with me," he said. She shook her head. "You know I won't be home that much since I'll be at work, so you'll have the house to yourself most of the time, but you won't have to be there alone all the time, especially at night," Cragen said.

"I'll be okay, Cap, don't worry." He sighed.

"I knew you'd say that, but I thought I'd try." He paused. "Speaking of which, I probably should get in to the station. I'm sure Elliot will be here to visit you today, and Fin and Munch will probably come after work." Olivia smiled.

"Thanks for coming," she said. He nodded and stood up. "Wait," Olivia said. He turned to look at her. "How's Michelle?" she asked. Cragen sighed and dipped his hands into his pockets to finger some coins absently.

"Well, she was dehydrated… He raped her several times," Cragen said. Olivia closed her eyes, so sad for that little girl. "She's going to have to go through a lot of therapy to get past this," Cragen said. "So is Ellie Peterson." Olivia sighed and nodded.

"Thanks, Cap." He nodded.

"I'll see you later, Olivia. We'll work out something with work later, okay?" She nodded and watched him go.

&&--&&

Later that night, Olivia lay in her hospital bed, trying to fall asleep. She was going home in the morning, so she wanted to fall asleep to make the time go by faster so she could get the hell out of there, but she couldn't stop thinking about Elliot.

Around 7pm, Munch and Fin had come in together and stayed with her for about an hour, keeping her entertained with their strange partner antics. She had laughed a little too hard, making her stomach ache, but she didn't mind it since they had given her an hour's worth of relief from just sitting there, watching the television.

But Elliot hadn't visited her all day. He hadn't called or sent flowers or anything. And she couldn't help but feel hurt by it. She knew he felt guilty, but if he just had come to see her, it would have made them both feel better. He would have seen that she was perfectly okay and she could have convinced him that he wasn't at fault. Plus, she would have felt better if she could have seen him, too. If she could have convinced him that she was okay. She didn't want him to worry about that.

Olivia sighed into the darkness and wished she could roll over onto her side.

&&--&&

The next night, Olivia sat in her living room on the couch, watching television and willing her body to heal as fast as it could. She hated this feeling of boredom. She had already called pretty much all of her very few friends to tell them what had happened and to catch up on their lives. She had refrained from calling Elliot and had felt special when Munch had called her from the precinct. She had talked to him and he had assured her that everyone missed her and couldn't wait for her to get back. She herself could hardly wait to get back; she was so bored already.

She stifled a yawn with her hand just as a knock sounded on her door. She looked toward the door and then back down to her body. She sighed and pushed herself up off the couch, ignoring the ache in her side. She laid her hands flat on the door and looked through the peephole to see who was on the other side. Elliot.

Just for a fleeting moment she had the urge to ignore him, but it passed quickly and she turned the lock to let him in.

"Hey," she said, smiling at him as she stepped aside. He stared at her and she could see worry and nerves stretched tight across his face. "Come in."

"Olivia," he said and stared at her.

"Elliot," she replied and walked back to the couch where she had previously been sitting. She sat down on the couch, adjusting her body to relieve the most pain from her side. He stood, rooted to the same spot, and watched her. She glanced back at him. "Come sit," she said quietly and patted the space beside her. After a moment, he headed around the couch and sat beside her carefully, trying not to jolt her body.

"How are you?" she asked him. He sighed and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he asked, not looking at her.

"I'm fine," she replied quietly. He snorted.

"Sure, you were stabbed the day before yesterday!" She nodded, watching him.

"Yeah, I know. I'm feeling it," she replied and gently fingered her bandage through her tank top. He stared at her hand as she did.

"Liv," he said so quietly she barely heard it. He reached out and touched her hand, stilling its motion. She watched him, wondering what was going through his mind. Finally he looked up at her and met her gaze. She was shocked to see a glistening sheen of tears in his eyes.

"Oh, Elliot," she started, but he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

"For what?" she asked quietly and stroked her hand over the back of his. He swallowed hard and then pulled away from her, leaning forward again. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and then stopped, leaving them there. She reached over and touched his back gently.

"It was just like my nightmares," he said softly. Her hand stilled on his back.

"What do you mean?" she asked after a few moments.

"I was useless," he said, his voice tight with emotion. "I should have had your back. You were right behind me. And I let you get hurt. I just let it happen!" he exclaimed and pushed up from the couch, startling her.

"Elliot, it wasn't your—"

"Yes, it was my fault! I shouldn't have let that happen. I should have been by the door, not you. I should have heard him coming, I should have… something," he said and stopped pacing. He turned back to her and they stared at each other. "I had your blood all over me. My hands were stained with it," he whispered, his voice shaking.

"Oh, El," she trailed off, watching him as he stared at his clean hands.

"Every time I look at my hands, I see your blood."

"I don't blame you, Elliot. You couldn't have stopped it. It could have been either one of us. It could have been that little girl. Things like this happen in our job, unfortunately." He stared at her.

"I blame me," he said. She sighed. The only thing he had heard was that she didn't blame him. He hadn't even heard the rest. She felt panic rising up in her when she saw a tear slid down his cheek. He wiped at it, feeling like a child. Suddenly he dropped down to his knees on the floor beside her position on the couch. "Livia, can you forgive me?" he asked, his hands gripping the edge of the couch. A tear slipped down his cheek and she sighed, her heart hurting for him.

"Come here, El," she murmured, holding her arms out to him. He went into them, burying his face into her neck, but he was mindful of her wound. She stroked the back of his neck gently and felt a tear of her own sliding down her face.

"There's nothing to forgive you for, Elliot. You didn't do anything. I don't blame you," she whispered gently into his ear. She rubbed his back with her other hand and nuzzled her cheek against his forehead. He shuddered and lifted his head.

"When I saw you bleeding, I… I just… I thought you would die, and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest," he said, and she reached up to wipe a tear off of his cheek. She still couldn't believe this strong man was here, in her arms, falling apart. "And all I could think was that it was my fault and that it was just like my dreams. You were hurting and I hadn't done anything to stop it and I couldn't do anything to make you better," he said, babbling.

"Shh," she crooned to him as she leaned her forehead against his. She held his face in her hands gently. "Shhh, I'm okay, El, I'm here." She kissed his damp cheek and stroked her thumb over his other cheek. He shuddered again and sighed. She kissed the other cheek and then before she could stop herself, she was seeking out his lips with hers. He tilted his chin towards her, adding pressure to the kiss. She sighed and he leaned forward, drawing the kiss deeper. She sighed and held on as his arms straightened out on either side of her and locked at the elbows. She leaned back as he kneeled over her.

"El," she murmured and he drew back for a moment.

"Do you remember me kissing you?" he asked and she looked up at him. "When you were lying there on the floor…" Olivia nodded. "I don't know why I did it. I just… I was scared. I needed you to stay awake and I was so afraid you were going to die and I felt like it would be my only chance to kiss you." Olivia cut him off with a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"I felt it," she murmured and stroked her hand over his cheek. "I remember thinking that now was a great time," she said and chuckled. He smiled and kissed her once more. "I think now is a great time," she said and smiled up at him. He grinned and dipped his head lower, pouring all of his emotions and anguish into the kiss. He wanted her to feel his guilt, his sorrow, his happiness and desire all rolled into one. She felt him stealing all of her breath away and she hoped he would never stop; never stop kissing her, never stop loving her like this. But he did eventually pull away.

"Liv," he murmured, "You will never know the guilt I carry around with me for that night, but I don't want to think about it anymore." She smiled up at him.

"Don't," she said simply. He pulled himself back from her and kneeled on the floor in front of her. He reached for the hem of her shirt and then he looked at her, wanting to make sure it was okay. She nodded and he inched her shirt up over her side, looking at her bandage. He sighed and she watched him trying to make his peace with it. He pressed a gentle, tender kiss to the bandage and then nuzzled his cheek against the other side of her belly, ticking her with his five o'clock shadow. She sighed.

"Elliot, if you keep that up, I'm going to smack you," she said. He looked up at her and chuckled. "This is great timing." He smiled and pressed a quick kiss to her belly and then he pulled her shirt back down carefully. She smiled at his gentleness.

"Olivia?" he asked, looking up at her.

"Hmm?" she replied, running her fingers over his hair experimentally. She felt so thrilled that now she could touch him and learn all of his textures. She was ready to start a new chapter of her life with him.

"Can I stay tonight, just… just sleep beside you?" he asked. She looked at him, searching his face. And then she smiled brilliantly and nodded.

"Please," she said. He grinned and leaned up to seal her lips with his.

&&--&&