Chapter 7: Girl Talk
They had only been driving through the wet streets of Seattle for ten minutes at most, but that short space of time had been more than enough for Max to work herself into a frenzy. She sat – with Jess opposite her and Trick up front driving casually with one hand – nervously shifting on the metal extension that served as a bench like seat in the rear compartment of a time tested white van.
God knows what potential disasters could have happened in the second van, Max pondered nervously. She knew leaving Logan alone with Zack was a bad idea and not just because Zack could lose his mind at any moment and consequently make an attempt on Logan's life; it was the uncertainty of the unknown that was really getting to Max now as it hung over her like a raging thunder cloud raining misery upon her thoughts. She hated the feeling when circumstances were out of her control, especially when Logan was concerned. It was perhaps one of the worst and most sobering feelings one could experience; knowing that there is virtually nothing you can do to influence a sequence of events involving your life, nothing except sit back and surf the tide to whatever soul destroying outcome there may be waiting for you at the end.
Max bit down on her lip and focused on the rusty upholstery that constituted for the interior of the battered white van she was currently bumping around in. It was warm, stuffy even, and excessive music wailed around the metal sides of the vehicle as Trick directed them to their destination.
"What the hell is this?" Max yelled over the racket, deciding to direct her frustrations onto something within her immediate sphere of influence. The noise coming from the stereo was a prime target. It had not been helping matters as thunderous drums joined with furious guitar playing to form a platform for some angry man to scream and half sing along to. It was a sound so fierce it seemed to dig into Max's skull and join with her concerns for Logan, resulting in a mind-melting recipe for disaster.
Trick, and Jess for that matter, seemed quite content to bop along to the yells of, 'get the fuck out, stay the fuck out," but Max was having none of it, not in her current wound up condition. She didn't want to get the fuck out, even if she did; she certainly wouldn't want to stay the fuck out, what with the heavy rain and all. No, all Max wanted to do was teleport to the other vehicle a few hundred yards ahead of them, and ensure Logan was still breathing, thus putting her frantic mind at ease. Damn Gray, why couldn't he have had the power to teleport?
Trick swivelled in his seat to give Max a grin that spread from ear to ear. "Ain't it great?" he shouted, displaying an alarming lack of concern for road safety. "It's from before the pulse, they had all the good shit back then."
Max scowled. "Is that so?"
"Yeah," Trick paused to quickly glimpse at the road, ensuring they weren't heading into a wall, and then directed his attention back to Max. "It took me fucking ages to find this little gem," he nodded in the direction of the stereo, " Slit Wrist Theory by 36 Crazyfists."
Max, her face arranged in bewilderment, turned to look at Jess who just shrugged, her sculpted cheek rising to puff out as best it could in a look of don't ask.
"Ah come on, you have to love this shit Max! No?" Trick waved a dismissive hand in Max's direction and turned back to the road, his head still jerking along with the music.
Jess laughed softly to herself and then cast her eyes down to her lap where her hands were clasped between her slender legs. Max looked across at her, she looked so timid – excusing the hulking flak jacket and holstered weaponry – it was almost sad. The hood of her top slouched over her hair, masking the top half of her face and shadowing the rest. She kept pursing her cut lips and every now and then she would shudder, strange given the humid nature of the darkened van.
"Are you ok?" Max asked, leaning forward to grab Jess' attention over the racket Trick seemed so in love with.
Jess looked up and smiled weakly. "Yeah just a little tired."
"No," Max shook her head, "I mean in general. I only ask cos you look so…"
"Terrible?" Jess finished.
Max laughed. "No…well yeah but not in a mean way or anything like that."
"It's ok, I know what you mean…" she sighed and rested her head against the side of the van. Her face tilted slightly to the left and her eyes diverted from Max to the floor. "It's just…it's just been a hard year that's all, nothing major."
This time Max sighed. It was clear, crystal clear now, that something was bothering Jess to a large degree, but it was also clear that she wasn't ready to share her problems, at least not with Max. This being the case, there was nothing Max could really do for her. Pressing for an explanation probably wouldn't help, not in the least, and so the best thing Max could do for Jess was to be there if and when she came for help or advice.
Max mimicked Jess' posture and let her head press against the cold steel behind her, listening as the heavy drops of rain impacted with the outer surface of the van. She looked over at Trick and watched as scythes of yellow light cut through the windscreen in a regular pattern as they passed under a gauntlet of overhanging street lamps.
Just what could be bothering Jess so much, causing her to dwindle so? Had her own self styled despair swallowed her whole, consuming every ounce of her and leaving nothing but guilt and an insatiable desire for redemption? If so, then what could be done? It was obvious to anyone willing to look closely, that Jess regretted her tattered past, the evil she had bathed in with her companion; which was expected of any standard person with a basic morale code. But the problem with Jess was she could not get past her own conscience. If she could not find a way to forgive herself for her past crimes then she could never move on. Max had forgiven her, it still stung to think that she was a participant in bringing so much misery into her life, but it was obvious that she was sorry and willing to do whatever she could to set things right, and that was enough.
Of course this was not the case for everyone. Max knew that Logan still bore a slight distrust towards Jess and Max couldn't blame him for that. He still ached over the tragic loss of his friend Asha last year and, although Jess was not directly responsible, she had admitted to playing a major role in the event. Perhaps it was little things like this that kept Jess tied to the salivating demons that seemed to trail in her wake consuming her anguish…perhaps not it wasn't; Max couldn't tell. Maybe this was just fate, Jess' fate, and – like the current situation concerning Zack and Logan – there was nothing that could be done…but then that was just too wretched to accept.
"Are you ok?" Jess asked, stirring Max from her sluggish daze.
Max looked across at her. No, she wasn't ok but neither was she able to share her worries. She couldn't tell Jess about her concerns over her well being, or about her distress concerning Logan's welfare and the connections it had with Zack, any more than Jess could tell her about whatever it was bothering her. "I'm fine," Max said at last, before adding with a smile, "just a little tired."
Jess recognised the implied humour and grinned. "Well it's good to know we're both ok."
Max chuckled softly then, feeling her mind wondering to thoughts of Zack choking Logan with a screaming Chloe looking on, decided to engage Jess in a topic she might discuss – and also one she found particularly interesting. " So you and Trick, anything there?"
Jess took a surprised breath and raised her wafer thin eyebrows. "What do you mean?" she asked in a politely insulted tone.
Max smiled impishly. "You know what I mean. You two seem…close."
"Well I have known him my whole life, ever since Manticore."
"Yeah you mentioned that, but you didn't mention you were so touchy feely with one another."
"There's nothing wrong with a little affection between two close friends," Jess protested in a hushed whisper barely audible above the roaring music and the groaning engine.
Max's smile broadened until her cheeks compressed her eyes to wrinkled slits. "So you never even think about taking that affection a step further?"
Jess looked over at Trick and tucked her bottom lip underneath her top one, elongating her chin in a cute expression of consideration.
"You paused, that means you have." Max declared proudly, crossing her arms victoriously in her lap.
Jess turned sharply towards Max with a glare. "Bullshit!" she cried, her hand immediately coming to her mouth in a gasp.
"What's bullshit?" Trick asked, Jess' cry alerting him to the conversation behind him.
"Erm…" Jess stammered, seething at Max with wide eyes.
"Girl stuff," Max answered.
"What sort of girl stuff?" Trick asked, his voice heightening with intrigue.
"Menstrual cycles," Jess replied, hoping the natural male fear of 'woman's problems' would kick in and he would let it go.
No such luck.
"Do transgenic females still get that cos I've always wondered whether they do…I mean I've always wanted to ask but…" Trick paused for a moment. "Actually come to think about it, you do don't you cos like, you can get pregnant." He turned towards the two females in the van. "Right?"
"Right and it's not something you want to hear about," Jess said, reaching over and pushing Trick's face back to the road, a svelte finger hovering long enough to play with his bottom lip.
"I saw that." Max said as Jess sat back down.
"Saw what?" Jess asked through gritted teeth.
Max raised one eyebrow. "I can't blame you, it's like an old friend of mine once said: Manticore sure know how to make them pretty."
Jess groaned and her neck began to sink into her shoulders as she allowed her spacious hood to engulf more of her face. "So he's pretty, I can admit that." She said quietly, "Doesn't mean I want to jump his bones. I'm not so desperate that I feel an irresistible need to dive onto any attractive guy I come across."
"Yeah but for you it's not like he's just some hot guy, he's someone you know completely and who knows you…kind of like Logan and I."
"Speaking of which, how has it been for you guys?" Jess asked.
"I know you're trying to change the subject," Max said, rolling her eyes.
"So?" Jess shot back, a little rosy colour finally rising underneath her waxen complexion. "The current subject isn't sitting too well with me."
Max laughed. "Ok we'll move onto me."
"Thank you."
"Things have been good, really good. In fact they've been amazing. The past year has been perfect, nothing to worry about except Logan and myself, just complete selfish bliss. Never in my life have I woken up every day with such a relish for the coming hours. It was like…I don't know, like my world was finally complete or something. Just to have him around made everything feel right, like it was the natural order of things. It's something I never want to lose…" Max sighed wistfully, her mind drifting back to times strolling through vast and dense woodland, late evenings dining in with wine and fine home-cooked cuisine, warm summer days skinny dipping in the cool lake and fresh nights gazing at far off stars. Over the past year, she and Logan had never been apart for more than a few hours at a time and they never grew tired of each other's company…it was indeed a period of perfection.
"Sounds like you had quite a time," Jess said quietly. A smile spread across her face, a genuine smile that shone in her eyes. "I'm really happy for you, both of you."
"Thanks…" Max said, her voice a little sad as she realised she was once again in the thick of potential chaos and danger.
There was a pause and both Max and Jess took a moment to reflect, the only sound coming from the latest eardrum-bursting track on Trick's mix cd.
"Can I ask you a question?" Max said, her mind - dabbling with thoughts of Jess, romance and the past – had come around to a certain young man who should have been with both her and Jess at this moment.
"Sure,"
"Do you ever think about Alec?"
There came a moment when everything seemed to stand still…
Jess stopped, her tired eyes suddenly intense with a glaze that reflected the fluctuating light intruding upon the vehicle. "Sometimes," she said, the word broken into multiple tones as she forced the sound from her mouth, clearing her throat after the effort.
"You miss him don't you?" Max said, realising that she might have just opened a can of worms. She knew that Jess had taken a shine to the handsome and alluring Alec, but she had no idea the mere mention of his name would provoke this kind of reaction. When Max heard the name her heart would skip a beat, of course it would; Alec was her friend and he didn't deserve to die in such a way – but with Jess the name had her almost paralysed in an instant.
Jess nodded briefly, a wavering hand coming up to wipe the corner of her eye. A laugh escaped her mouth, a sound of joy diluted by the heartache that had pushed it from her lips. "God…" she said, her hand again wiping at her eyes. "Yeah I do…fuck, I'm being silly."
"I didn't realise you guys were so close…"
"We weren't…not really," Jess laughed, again the noise broken apart with interjections of mournful whimpers. "It's just I always relate Alec with a moment in my life that – and I know this will sound stupid – that was, well, special."
Max smiled with a mixture of concern and intended encouragement. She could be here for Jess now, the beginnings of her problems now bubbling over at the mention of a name. "Want to share?"
Jess paused for a brief few moments. "Well, when I first met Alec I was in the middle of a crisis of faith. I had all these emotions that felt so foreign buzzing around inside of me and I just couldn't make sense of them all. I was beginning to doubt the things that I had done, you know with Gray, and then after the night I spent with Alec…that was when I finally made sense of everything. I don't know why it happened that morning but it did…"
"What?"
"I realised I was free…and I felt…happy. It was strange cos I had spent so long walking around blinded to the truth of the feelings I thought I was experiencing – like joy and love and all of that shit. That day, as I watched Alec trail away, everything just clicked and I…I was, fucking, truly happy! The darkness relinquished its hold and I was overwhelmed. Alec was a symbol for that moment and so he will always be special to me." Jess slowly pulled her hood away from her face, her bruised and broken skin now marred by the more painful wounds left by burning tears, moist trails running down the angular curves of her cheeks and jutting towards her mouth before lingering on the edge of her chin…then falling…
Max wasn't quite sure of what to say.
Jess had just shared an incredibly intimate moment in her life and Max found a lump forming in her own throat. She had never truly gotten over the events of last year and to hear someone else talk so openly of their own experiences of the same events, brought everything she had gone through back to the fore.
Terminal City: Sketchy, Cindy, and so many others she had failed to protect.
Gray.
Alec.
Asha.
Even Logan and Jess.
"What about Gray, do you ever think about him?" Max said, forcing herself to speak.
"I try not to, but he isn't someone you can forget easily, especially for me. He had such a presence on my life that he will always be in my thoughts, not always directly, but always there."
"I know what you mean," Max said with a nod. Her twin would always be with her as well, for many different reasons; the scars he had left upon her mind, the people he had taken from her and his blood, currently cursing through her veins, would always be with her as a reminder.
Jess reached down to her stomach for a moment and then looked at Max. "You know, you never explained how Logan and I managed to survive that night."
Max grinned, relieved that Jess was making an attempt to alleviate the tenebrous feeling that had crept over both of them. How the fuck had they gone from gossiping about boys to talk of life changing moments and re-living past pains. "I could tell you…"
Jess chuckled, "you don't know do you?"
"Oh I do and I tell you what: after all is said and done here, the Coming is vanquished, the A.T.L downsized and all the familiars run out of town…then I will share the secret with you. Deal?"
"Deal," Jess agreed, reaching out to slap Max's offered hand.
With that the two sat back for what little remained of their journey. Soon it would be game time and the only thoughts should be of survival. Still, each found their mind wondering. Max slipped back into worry overdrive, thoughts of losing Logan sapping the last saliva from her mouth and kneading her stomach into a tangled mess. As for Jess, she sat back and allowed her mind and her eyes to do the wondering in unison as she spied on the form of Trick sitting up front. Alright, she could finally admit it; she had fallen in love with him.