Disclaimer: I don't own although it may be slightly AU.
Author's Notes: I'm overwhelmed by all the encouraging words that you all have given me. A quick note, if I didn't thank you at the bottom of chapter two, that is because fanfiction can be slow and I didn't receive your review soon enough, but thanks to all of you who reviewed (individual notes, like before, will be at the bottom of the chapter).
Another bit of information about reasons of why I made the story the way it was (feel free to skip these if you want): There isn't going to be anything really glaringly bad about Legolas' life mainly because I used to read Legolas angst, hoping to find something to relate to and all the stories were about Legolas captured, Legolas abused, Legolas tortured, etc. which made me ashamed to feel like crap when I had never been abused by someone else or lived through a tragedy, etc. So, in short, reading Legolas angst made me feel worse than I already had before so I'm writing this to show that emotions are what they are and everyone can feel like crap and you shouldn't feel as though you're not allowed to feel low. The only thing I have a qualm about is if you stay feeling low and try not to pull yourself back up. Anyway, here's the story~
~*For Eden*~
~*Chapter Three*~
Legolas stroked his horse, running his fingers through its flaxen mane. Estel waited patiently as Legolas took his time getting all of his bags down from the saddle. The horse watched Legolas with one pale blue eye as Legolas carefully gathered his bags. When Estel reached for the horse, it snorted in his face and backed away nervously. Though Legolas had acted more or less in the same manner regarding Estel, the elf seemed amused at the horse's actions and Estel was sure that there was a hint of a smile on his lips.
"Can I help you carry anything?" asked Estel. It was a mere gesture of hospitality that Elrond had insisted on him doing. Legolas was quiet for a while, wondering if he should take up Estel in that offer. He had a lot of bags but he didn't want Estel to think that he couldn't handle himself. Finally, Legolas handed him a bag that was fairly large but filled with naught but clothes making it light. He kept his bag of personal items containing bandages and a journal for himself and hoisted another heavy bag over his shoulder.
Estel watched, amused. Obviously Legolas could handle himself and the only reason he had given him a large looking bag was so that he himself wouldn't feel offended about not being able to handle carrying heavy things. Estel watched Legolas' slender arm strain as he pulled a bag over his shoulder to carry. He led Legolas through carpeted stone hallways and leaf-strewn courtyard cobblestones. Estel caught Legolas' calm, peaceful expression as they passed the changing colors of the trees.
Once Legolas saw Estel watching him, making the elf stiffen like a board. He's on guard, Estel realized with a small shock. He doesn't trust me. Leading Legolas through an arched doorway, he gestured to show Legolas that this would be his room.
Estel watched as Legolas walked quietly over to the bed and sat down, smoothing the velvet and silk covers with a pale hand.
"Thank you," he said softly. His voice was so quiet that Estel had to strain to hear it. Legolas carefully laid his head down on the silken, blood red pillow.
"Are you tired? I suppose you can rest for awhile before Ada, I mean, Elrond, calls us for dinner." With an almost defiant look in his eyes, Legolas stood up.
"No, I'm fine." His hand subconsciously drifted to where his most recent cuts were. He scratched over them. The pain made him more awake. He was tired, so tired, but he didn't want to seem delicate. Legolas swayed on his feet as he stood, and he pressed his fingers to his head. His temples had begun to throb.
"Are you sure?" The human's voice was laced with disbelief. Legolas frowned, already annoyed.
"Of course I'm sure," he snapped. Right after, he regretted doing so. As much as Legolas wanted to prove that he could control his own life, he wanted nothing more than someone that was willing to listen and help him. He immediately pushed that back into his mind.
"It's my life, I can't burden others. They would only be annoyed at my constant complaints…complaints over nothing," Legolas whispered. Estel had already been halfway out the door, pushing aside the filmy, gossamer embroidered curtains that served as a door. Legolas wished it would be replaced with a heavy wooden door.
"Did you say something?" Legolas bit his lip to see the annoyance on Estel's face. To his credit, he was very polite and kind so far and it was Legolas' fault that that expression was on his face.
"No, I must have been thinking out loud." Legolas wished he could say something to make Estel less irritated. He was always pulling other's down.
"Sorry," he said even more quietly.
Estel stood at the doorway for a moment; he and Legolas were completely still and silent for what seemed like a short eternity. As spoiled and prickly as this elven prince was, there was still something about him that couldn't quite bring Estel to hate him, or even be truly annoyed with him. There was something about the fragile elf that made him want feed him until he looked healthy and wash those shadows away from his face.
It was that inexpressible sadness in Legolas' face, Estel had decided. Underneath his expression of arrogance was something else. Just as Estel was about to say something, to maybe reassure Legolas that he wasn't truly mad, Elrohir's head appeared in the doorway.
"Father has prepared an early dinner, while the sun is still in the sky," said Elrohir, giving Legolas a polite incline of the head to recognize the younger elf's position. He left in a hurry, leaving Estel and Legolas alone again. The setting sun's last rays spilled into the room, setting the red roses in the room afire and washing the ground in gold. Legolas hair turned a deep gold and looked like liquid, trickling down his back. His normally pallid face flushed with color. Estel cocked his head, surveying the prince.
"You really are uncanny," he finally said.
"What?" Legolas looked amused. Was that a slight smile? So he wasn't angry? Legolas felt relieved.
"Nothing. You should change into more comfortable clothes." Legolas looked at his wrinkled, riding clothes.
"I must smell like horse too," he said, with a slight grin. "You go ahead first, I can catch up."
"You don't know where we're dining," Estel pointed out pragmatically. Legolas cringed inwardly. His light mood from just moments before slipped away, leaving him cold and panicked. His mind twisted with possibilities of how to get the human out of the room.
"Enjoy the sunset outside, I'll be out in a minute," Legolas said, nearly pushing Estel out the door. Legolas sighed audibly with relief and pulled out new clothes to quickly change into. His gaze snagged upon his milky, smooth arms. He admired them for a minute before he saw the cuts again, so ugly. But they were so beautiful too. Only he could see their beauty, shining steadily from underneath what everyone else saw. But it was wrong also.
Feeling torn, Legolas ran his fingernails across the cuts in anger. They opened and blood started to well and slowly make its way down his arm. The blood trickled down his arm like a spider. Legolas marveled at the dark red against the white. It looked like a rose; he was mesmerized.
A snap of a twig outside brought Legolas out of his reverie.
"I must be psycho," he whispered. He cleaned up the blood carefully and bandaged them up carefully and slipped into the clean, crisp clothes. The shift smelled like sun-dried cotton. Pulling on his sleeves, the blood smeared, making red streaks on the cream colored fabric. His heart quickened with an unknown emotion.
"This was supposed to be a distraction," he said. Sighing, he walked through the curtains to meet Estel.
~*~
Estel watched with interest as Legolas, seated across from him, pulled apart his food and moved it around on his plate. To anyone less keen, Legolas looked as though he had been eating quietly the whole time but Estel knew that the amount of food on Legolas' plate had not changed.
Elrond had picked a large courtyard to host the meal. Candles were lit after the heavy, pulsing sun had dipped below the horizon. A gentle breeze carried the sweet scents of harvest and the food was plentiful.
"How do you like Rivendell, Legolas?" asked Elrond. It seemed to take a minute for Legolas to register the fact that the question was aimed at him.
"It's very beautiful here," he said politely with a smile. Estel frowned slightly. Was he acting? Estel couldn't tell; if the elf was, he was very good. Estel watched as Legolas made polite conversation with Elrohir and Elladan.
Underneath his flawless act, Legolas felt as though he was suffocating. He shifted, uncomfortable with public situations. He discreetly felt his stomach through the silver tunic. He felt so grossly large and greasy, like the oil that was shining brightly on the chicken on his plate. Legolas couldn't bring himself to eat meat although his father hunted for the best of them. He could imagine large people with hemorrhaging fat, limp bones buried under layers of lumpy fat. Legolas felt as though he was going to be sick.
"Please, may I be excused?" Legolas could barely keep the serene expression on his face as he tried to conceal his shaking hands. He needed to be put under control. He needed to feel the hilt of his dagger in his hands. Legolas pushed his chair back into the table so roughly that it shook his plate.
"I'm so sorry," he said, as he tried to steady the plate. Legolas' breath caught in short gasps of air. Dodging confused glances, Legolas just ran for his room. Estel caught his father's eye and Elrond nodded. Estel rose and ran after Legolas. He saw that Legolas could run quickly. He caught up with the elf underneath a large tree whose leaves looked black in the night. The lamplights around the courtyard cast long shadows on the stone floor. They were confusing. Estel couldn't decide whether they were imprints of angels on the ground or nightmare demons waiting until nightfall to crawl into unsuspecting victim's bedrooms and slit their throats.
Estel looked at the elf in suspicion. What kind of effect was Legolas having on him? Thoughts now randomly popped into his mind without his control, as though a constant barrage of images and emotions were rampaging through his body like a stampede of animals. It was a breathtaking ride and Estel wasn't quite sure whether it was in a good or bad way. The wariness melted from Estel's face when he saw Legolas. His thin shoulders were hunched over and he had his lips pressed tightly together as though that would prevent the tears that were shining in his eyes from spilling over. Estel could sense that Legolas was on the verge of running again.
"Wait, Legolas," Estel said, gripping Legolas around the arm where the cuts were. Legolas bit his lip to not cry out in pain. He could felt he blood thick in his throat. Glass was lodged in his eyes and mouth, cutting him. He couldn't talk. He was blinded. They stung and bit into him. Then there it was, that voice. It floated out to him, taking precious seconds to reach his ears. Each time it eluded him until finally Legolas caught the words.
"Let's just talk," Estel said, trying to reason with Legolas' panicked
face. "Please. Just tell me." Legolas held onto that rope, the sound of Estel's voice, and let
it pull him back out of his dark hole and closer to the light at the end.
~*~
a/n: I'm really sorry if it seems like author's notes seem to be taking over the story, I just had to get that above message out of my system and author's notes will become shorter and the story will become longer~
darkmoon-on-dragonwings- hey…I'm just depending on you to not to care if I don't update for awhile because I know your computer is always freaking out and half the year you can't get online…the world needs more low maintenance readers like you! (Not that all those requests to update sooner doesn't kill my laziness and actually gets a chapter up…)
Ainu Laire and Hallagurthiel- I haven't thought of exact ages for both Legolas and Estel but Estel would be around late teens, such as around 16-18. I want them to be young enough to be vulnerable yet old enough so that they have more freedom.
Kowarete no Tsubasa and wadeva (about the door comment)- I thought I had stopped but then this has been a very shitty new years eve and you know how one thing leads to another…I seem to be enamored with the number two because that's always how many cuts I make so five does seem extreme and scary. The only reason why Legolas said that he ran into the door was because I used that same excuse…and everyone believed me (weird huh) anyway, thanks for reading~
Elfmage- The road for Legolas and Aragorn/Estel's friendship will be difficult, mainly because it took me the longest time to trust the person that Estel's character is based on. Just bear with me…oh and btw, the Microsoft's word spell checker is a wonderful friend…haha
Lulu bell- that sucks that you have to go to such a sexist school! I hope you give them a good hard kick in the balls sometime. I'm not saying that it's always okay to do so…. just that they usually deserve it haha…thanks so much for all the compliments, you seem like the kind of person who has their head screwed on right. The world needs more people like you so cheers~
ZeldaDragon- Estel is going to have some troubles with Legolas I predict (hah and also I control the story…I feel powerful…) He keeps wanting to help Legolas even though Legolas refuses. Estel is very observant and notices the smallest things that other people would gloss over as just teenage drama things that aren't taken seriously. Maybe because Estel is the same age as Legolas therefore does not look down upon him…I wish I were as cheerful as you, I hate dragging other people down when I'm feeling low…I'll work on it though, and you're right, too much laughter will always be better than too little laughter.
Catmint and leggylover and Jenifer- glad you guys are still with me for the ride. This may be a bit of a long story (or maybe not…) but it's always nice to see familiar reviewers. Thanks guys
Taraisilwen- (I hope I got your name right) of course Legolas and Estel will be friends…I was lucky enough to have an Estel in my life and I'm not about to deprive Legolas of one too…I'm glad you like how even the "perfect character" has problems. I know some people who may be annoyed at this and say that Legolas has no right to feel the way he does. Well my author's note stands. Everyone has a right to feel however he or she want and so on and so forth.
Zuma- I'm always sorry to hear when another reviewer has had to feel the same pain that Legolas is going through (it's always weird how one thinks they can feel low while no one else should deserve to feel so…I fall into that category also) Don't think of it as failing; the only failure is the one who refuses to acknowledge the fact that they can succeed if they try and/or just ask for the help they deserve. Funny what people come up with when trying to justify their actions…it's hard to just admit that you've done something wrong…well anyway, thank you so much for the kind words and compliments~
Whitewater-spirit and arimel- at first I was worried that telling people right off the bat that this was semi-autobiographical would make them look at the story with a more pity sort of eye but the reviewers so far have been very genuine, even going so far to share with me their experiences which was more than I could ever have imagined. I just wanted to thank you guys for just naming elements in the story that are good, like minus the emotions. You guys just tell me that I am a good writer and I love to hear that, thanks~
Sindarin Lady- what to do with parents…you know they usually have the best of intentions but sometimes I wish they'd just leave me alone…maybe that's just me…yeah, sometimes I need someone just to talk to, to distract me or whatever or sort through situations…it helps to know that you're willing to talk to me and you're there, thanks a lot~
Angel with No Wings- maybe Legolas subconsciously says such terrible excuses as a cry for help…I don't know, I spend a lot of time contemplating the reasons for my actions…hopefully another chapter of the other fic will come soon…please be patient with me!
The-Serious-Padfoot- haha, I always use words that are too large and I'm not quite sure of the meaning of…and it's all good…I'm glad you're enjoying psychoanalyzing Legolas, I look forward to your insights!
Chels- thanks; I'm updating this quickly (I hope)
Once again, I'll promise more stories, less author's notes! (I mean the author's note in the beginning; I always like to respond individually, if there is something to say, to reviewers. Something about the interaction makes it more fulfilling to me or something…thank for reading to all of you out there~