Disclaimer: You know what I don't own





Recreant
Chapter 4
By Robbly





N.B. Thank's to Gilthas for Beta'ing this chappy. I really hated it and still don't like it as much as I do the others but it's a lot better for his efforts. (Read his* 3003 story, it's really good) Anyway on with the story.


Harry had joined Voldermort to save him.

Snape fell back against the wall arms splayed out, face the epitome of horror. Snape was shocked. The parchment, ink and quills he was carrying dropped to the floor his wand dangling from one hand. His mind was pounding, one sentence resounding through his senses, Potter joined Voldermort to save him, Potter joined Voldermort to save him…

This wasn't right. He hated Potter, Potter hated him. It was the way things were. Snape had hated Potter's father, Potter's father had hated him. The reasons went further than that but that didn't matter right now. You don't join Voldermort to save the person you hate! Then Snape realised, it had to be Potter's Gryffindor heritage, that self-sacrifice notion that seemed to abound in all their hearts. Combined with Potter's hero complex, there you have the boy's reasoning. A familiar sneer twisted his face.

Deep down though he felt it. It wasn't true. He didn't understand the boy and now he was being forced to admit it. He hated him for all the wrong reasons; he was part of the end product. He was one of the many reasons this had all happened. Coming to this conclusion, the potions master fled.

Kicking the things he brought into Potter's cell he turned and ran. All dignity abandoned he didn't notice the angry green eyes following his retreat.

Harry was angry. Angry & confused. Anger. He hadn't felt the strange emotion in a long time. The only things he had felt were things like self-resentment, guilt, shame & unhappiness. Anger, resentment, blame, he felt like a blind person whose eyes were being opened. With everything else though came other emotions long gone, happiness, joy, amusement, surprise…

The overriding sense of confusement reigned. What was he doing in Azkaban! Why had he blamed himself for everything for over 6 years and in doing so let everyone else blame him too? But his inbuilt anger surged with that as well. Why had they blamed him? He defeated the dark lord & they chucked him into Azkaban and wanted to give him the dementors kiss!

And then Snape. Oh his anger was building now. Snape the man who hated him so much had come. They had let Snape of all people to come! Snape!

He was further than angry. He was enraged. He took deep breaths, killing his anger. Using his own version of meditation he suppressed the building rage. The familiar technique brought more memories too. Anger had been something that had helped Voldermort and he had long learned that anger was a thing to be suppressed.

A few minutes later, his anger gone, emotions suppressed to a totally internal level, an all too familiar mask slipped over his features. The one he too often used before his demise as a death eater. He had won in the end. He had fulfilled the prophesy & now Voldermort lay dead. Still he had been punished for his 'crimes', and was still being punished.

Harry shook his mind away so he could consider his situation. With a small smile Harry felt his occulumency barriers up once more. They had been discarded within his first few months serving Voldermort but not until after he fulfilled his first goal. He had returned half of the magical world's stupid pendant and in doing so saved the entire light side but he doubted anybody would ever realise that. Not that he really cared. He didn't need their pity or their respect right now. He didn't need the only thing they would give him, their hate. He just wanted out and away. He did not want anything to do with him.

Harry looked down on himself with disgust. His guilt and apologies had left him a broken wreck as most likely Snape had seen. He wanted to wrench right into his professors head and get all those memories. How dare Snape invade him at his weakest! Snape ought to have more honour than that.

Harry growled. He did not want Snape to know his reasons. He could not take one of his worst enemy's pity more than he could take his friend's. Harry didn't want anybody to know his real reasons. He didn't want anybody to know the truth. They did not deserve it.

On the other hand Snape as well as awakening his mental barriers had awakened the thing that was keeping them up against the ongoing attacks by the dementors standing as his guards. Harry almost groaned, once again his well being was in part the fault of Snape, the man he hated. Snape had reawakened Harry's will. In spite of this he smiled. His will awakened other things too. It awakened emotions long forgotten, desires long abandoned, dreams, ambitions, resentment… among many other things. It was an interesting feeling. His submissiveness gone, the detachment from himself no longer felt, an unquestioning obedience was once again long from his personality. He smiled; it was once again nice to be unique, to have your own views & opinions. It was good to be himself again.

A small tingle in Harry's fingers made Harry's small smile widen. Magic was half will anyway. Just like everything else. His magic had returned.

Harry felt the confusement fading as he remembered who he was. Well not who he was, that was a really bad way of putting it. More like he remembered the way he used to think, the person Harry used to be before Sirius had died. Not Harry the death eater. Nor Harry the traitor. Harry the normal boy.

Except, he realised with some resignation, he would never be a normal boy. How could he be? He was Harry Potter! His tone was definitly bitter. In fact the tense tone of bitterness would pretty much ride his being & would take quite a while to wane. Not that he really cared all that much. Considering the circumstances Harry thought he had every right to be bitter.

His time with his spirit broken seemed more like another person's memory than what he himself had been like for the past six years. Harry smiled again it was good to be himself again, with his own wants and desires. However with his own will back & therefore his opinions & basic own mind Harry would no longer subserviently take everyone else's word as true. Being broken left one at the conclusion that everything was your fault and there was nothing you could do about it. You blamed yourself for everything & therefore everything got you arriving at the same conclusion, you deserved whatever you received. Harry had seen everybody else as right and therefore himself as wrong. He growled at the misconception & at his own too trusting nature. Trust would never come as easily again. Betrayal made it that way.

Having a will made Harry realise that all this was not all due to his own failings. He was not the one at fault. He was not the one that should have to carry this burden. But unfortunately during the years Harry had grown somewhat in maturity & with this he realised that there was some justification for everyone's actions. A small frown creased his forehead, as everything came back. The burden pushed on him by his broken spirit was gone; but now in it's place Harry was now facing the burden of his own life.

Groaning Harry decided all he wanted was to go and live as a hermit somewhere and live his life away doing what he wanted to do. He was no longer the pawn of an almighty prophesy. He was himself. He was not Harry Potter, the boy who lived. He was who he wanted to be.

Harry looked around his cell and saw the parchment, ink and quills. A jolt of sadness fled through him as he remembered the reasons for his wanting of the items. Deep inside Harry knew there was one thing he wanted. Forgiveness. And Harry wanted it from one person above all the others he wanted it from, but he knew such forgiveness would come with a price. They would want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And then if they knew and understood the truth they would give him their forgiveness along with their pity, their pride & most of all their guilt. Harry didn't want that. And then on top of all that they would want him back.

Harry's mind fought. His heart ached. He wanted their understanding so badly but he didn't want whatever else they would put with it. It was so much easier for them all to hate him, so he could just hate them all back and feel right about it. If they hated him it was so much easier for him to hate them & therefore to never have to face them again. But it all came back to one man. Dumbledore. Much as he hated the headmaster for all he had hidden from him, he finally realised and understood the headmaster's rationale and intentions. Furthermore, as much as he hated to admit it, the headmaster had good motives for what he was doing. He had much motivation. Who didn't have motivation to look after Harry, "the golden child"? The prophesy was only the tiniest part of it. On top of that there was political reasoning, pity, Harry's status in the magic world and so much else to consider.

Albus Dumbledore had been the only person that accepted and helped Harry for who he was instead of what he stood for. Even Ron had never looked past it & Hermione was a different matter all together. She had been the only other who had accepted him unconditionally but when forced to be the one in the millions who had that opinion she had broken and in the end refused to acknowledge Harry's continued existence. But Dumbledore had hurt more. It was him that had contributed to too much of the breaking of Harry's will.

Dumbledore had accepted Harry unconditionally. There was just no denying it. He had been the one who constantly looked out for Harry & had realised that Harry was in fact a child & needed to be treated like one. He had accepted Harry's word above all others & had never forced Harry to make a decision to suit his wants and needs. In fact he was the only one who had tried and understood Harry's teenage emotions. The only thing he had ever let override his unconditional belief in Harry's intelligence, power & will was a sort of protective love for him. Despite everything Dumbledore had acted in Harry's interests foremost. In fact he was one of the very few reasons Harry had not received the dementors kiss as of yet.

Harry sighed. He really did have a need for forgiveness most of all from Dumbledore & he knew what he would see if he looked into the Mirror of Erised right now. He shook his head, "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi". I show not your face but your hearts desire. He snorted. He seemed to have a knack for remembering the most inconsequential things.

He really did want forgiveness though and he knew no matter how much he protested he would write to Dumbledore and plead with him for forgiveness or at the least a smidgen of understanding. First though, Harry wanted out. He couldn't plead for forgiveness if he was dead and he did not plan to write his letter from the floor of the hell-pit he was currently residing in. He looked up at the bars, brow slightly creased, they were missing something, they just didn't feel the same as they had for the last six years.

"Ahhh…"

Harry said softly and smiled, Harry had taken the spells & wards off the bars to use 'legimens' on him and had forgotten to put them back on when he fled. That was something he hadn't expected; Snape turning on his tail and fleeing. He snorted again.

How was he going to get out? Harry pondered the question for a second his mind resting on his Godfather's solution to the same problem.

Animagi

He frowned. His Animagus form that he hated so would never fit through the bars. Actually he didn't hate it so much now. Voldermort was dead and in being so his first form had lost the symbolism that made it so resentful to Harry. He pondered on his second form though. He had never taken it. It was another legacy of his mortal enemy on him, just like the parseltounge talent that had branded Harry as evil so many times.

He frowned. He didn't really care now. Who cared if he had the same 'evil' animagus form as Voldermort? Everybody thought he was evil already. He smiled though. Though the form was naturally big Harry was very thin right now and the lack of nourishment would make him quite a thin creature.

With a small mischievous smile Harry started to transform.

A short while later a large pure black basilisk slid out of the Azkaban prison and off into a nearby forest in the darkness, parchment, quill's and ink resting on its smooth back. Two days later when 10 Auror's along with the minister for magic came to collect Harry James Potter to receive the dementors kiss they would find themselves missing along with their prisoner the 10 dementors that guarded his cell. Harry had been hungry.


Authors note: WHO LIKES HARRY'S ANIMAGUS FORM!!!!... Ehem… Anyway…

I love all of my reviewers. =) I swear when I saw how many reviews I had I almost burst up and did something akin to a happy dance before… yeah… people watching… :$ Anyway thanks heaps to all of you, you guys are what keeps me writing :D.

Ranchan17, :) glad you think it's great, here's the next chappy.
Harry-Potter-Rule, You haven't posted your Azkaban story yet :( I'm looking forward to reading it. Glad you love my story :). I'm touched that you found it so emotional I was on the verge of making somebody come out and slap Ron, maybe a dementor, that's a bit out of character for them but hey he deserved it. Anyway Ron's just portraying the general view of Harry possessed by wizarding society. To put it simply, they hate him. He did go a bit over the top but that's what dementors do to people & Ron responds to every threat throughout all the hp series with anger. It's part of his character. Here's the next chappy :). Enjoy.
Loli, Glad you like it, Here's the update
Gilthas, Aw I promise it wasn't only to save Snape. Harry wasn't very close to Snape but Snape has done stuff to help him even though Harry hates admitting it and he doesn't really deep down want Snape killed. As Voldermort was telling Harry, he could tell Harry was wavering & he needed extra motivation to make his decision. Snape was sorta the bargain closer. Anyway thanks for yet another long interesting review I love reading them. Anyway about Snape being able to prove Harry innocent, he's not going to do that quite yet as you might have guessed. Snape has a conscience and little set of feelings like the rest of us bastard or not and he's confused, shocked, upset and even a little guilty. He's struggling with the concept of Harry doing anything to help him and he doesn't understand Harry at all. He's really confused about his feelings cause he kinda feels some weird connection with Harry as they both made the same mistake – becoming death eaters, but he's finding out there was more to it than that and as I said he's confused. In fact you're probably confused by now. I'm so confused about you two now though. You're elvan, human & dwarfish? I'm so lost, :) but in a good way. Sounds like you got an interesting history. Here's the update.
, :) here's the update.
Ocpawnmaster1, So many people ask me that question! Is Harry guilty? Sorry but I still got the same answer. I mean what it said in the summary. "Innocent? Guilty? Or Both?" :D Anyway I'll just leave you pondering my ramblings. Here's another update.
Sarah, Did it really come off like a slash? I seriously didn't mean for it to come of like that. I don't think Harry is in any position for love right now, and this story is really not going to be a Harry/Snape slash… well at least I don't plan for it to be. My stories kinda half write themselves though so if it goes that was so be it. But chappy 3 was in no way the start of Snape loving Harry. In fact Snape's just shocked, I think he'd just be so scared by the thought of what he has done he'll just be meaner to Harry. I dunno. I'll see what he does when I write it. At the moment Snape is just shocked, he's believed like everyone else that Harry has joined Voldermort of his free will and has turned against the light side. He kinda feels a sort of pity for Harry because in a way Harry made the same mistake he did – joining Voldermort, but as I said now he's just kinda confused. He feels that he doesn't really have to be as mean to Harry because 6 years in Azkaban is seriously enough punishment for anyone, especially with the Dementors kiss but he is in no way falling in love with him. I'm sorry if I made it sound like that, tell me what made it sound like that and I'll try and fix it.
Padfootsnoxed, I guess the intro is a bit sad isn't it. That's where the angst genre goes I guess. Anyway I don't think you read the third chappy yet or maybe you did… I dunno. Read it if you haven't. Ron was being bitchy but he's just reacting to his feelings. He's getting all these memories from the Dementors of all the saddest points of his life, getting the whole 'I'm never going to be happy again' vibe and he's reacting with the typical Ron emotion, anger. Anyway he's really upset over Ginny because she was the only sibling younger than him and he was kinda protective over her and Ron doesn't like being 'ickle Roniekins' or whatever, he likes not being the youngest and he was just the whole elder brother thing. I dunno that's a really bad explanation. Yeah Ron's blowing it a bit over the top but you have to consider his surroundings… Also I'm just a bit of a dramatist & I'm just trying to portray the general social view of enmity towards Harry.
& Imaginable, *snickers evilly* I love all those moral questions. But I promise saving Snape wasn't Harry's only motivation. Harry's doesn't like Snape enough for him to let it justify him having to kill thousands of people

*I'm assuming you're male, well at least I know your muse is male unless you can have a female prince :S. Anyway yeah, um, just tell me if I guessed wrong and I'll change it :).