CHAPTER NINE: MEMORIES PART TWO: WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

Just as Sirius was thinking of the past that night, so too was Severus Snape. After the incident with Harry looking into his Pensieve last year, he had begun to examine his past again- something he had avoided doing for years.

Snape's life was hardly a happy one. There had been one time- but no, that time was long gone, a ship sailed and sunk years ago.

Fifth-year Slytherin Severus Snape walked through the corridors of Hogwarts towards the Great Hall. He kept his gaze forward as he walked through the doors and towards Slytherin the table. He did, however, see the current object of his affection out of the corner of his eye.

Their relationship was a secret one; in private, they were so affectionate one would forget he was a Slytherin; in public, the venom directed at each other seemed to preclude any sort of friendship between the two- much less a relationship!

He ate, as did she; the both of them exchanging secrative glances that no one else noticed. No one, of course. Except for Lucius Malfoy.

"Severus, why do you keep staring at that bloody Gryffindor?" Lucius asked, voice full of obvious politeness. "Who I choose to stare at is none of your concern." Snape replied coldly.

Lucius started laughing. "No, I don't suppose it is. But what is my concern is what's going on between the two of you- and how it will affect the Dark Lord's plans."

"It will have no affect whatsoever. She is merely... entertainment." Snape said, hating himself for having said such words. Accepting the statement as true, Lucius went back to his lunch.

Snape looked away from the Pensieve; oh, how he wished those words had been true! The pain, the agony, the heartbreak; none would exist if the girl had indeed been just entertainment.

Still, things never turned out the way he expected. Snape never expected their breakup. And he never expected the way things went with Voldemort that same night.

"Hello, Severus." Lily Evans said, embracing her current love.

"Lily. How was your day?" Severus asked in the manner of a return greeting. They were in an obscure corner of the castle, thanks to their positions as Prefects.

"Oh, it was alright. By the way, that was a most... interesting dance you did in Transfigurations today." Lily responded; she had grown fond of teasing him regarding the prank war against the Marauders he was always involved in.

"Oh yes, I'd been practicing all night for it." Snape replied dryly. Lily just giggled. They continued to talk, and Severus picked up on the fact that Lily was nervous about something.

"Is there something wrong, Lily?" Snape asked. "No... yes, Severus. I don't know how to put this gently..."

There was no reason to continue the sentence; Snape already knew the answer. "No need to continue, Evans" he said coldly, causing her to wince. "I understand. You wish to terminate our relationship."

"'Terminate's a strong word." she said. Snape responded again, a bit less cold this time."But no less accurate. I suppose this is the part where you tell me we can still be 'just friends'?"

Lily just nodded. "Funny, you women. You always want to be our friends after you rip our guts out." She could think of no response; she wasn't in love with him, and did not wish to string him along, yet she valued his friendship. How could she work this out?

Snape sighed. "I will... consider it. Goodnight, Evans." he said crisply, before turning on his heel and moving towards Slytherin tower.

Lily walked into Gryffindor tower, and overheard a conversation between Sirius Black and James Potter.

James Potter. She had sworn never to love him, and yet... she did. Funny, the way love works.

Meanwhile, Snape had gone to his chambers, bringing along Lucius Malfoy with him. "You're making the right choice, Severus." His friend said to him.

"I have had my eye on you for some time now, young Severus Snape" said Voldemort from the fireplace. "Your talents in the Dark Arts and Potions would benefit our cause greatly. Will you join us? Will you help us cleanse our people, and lead them into a new era for all wizardkind?" Voldemort said; it was his usual recruitment speech in those times.

With words like that, it's a wonder anyone willingly joins up at all! Snape thought. "I care not for what happens to Mudbloods or Muggles; all I can promise you is my loyal service."

Voldemort considered Snape. "If you care not of their fate... then why do you join." Severus smiled grimly; he only had to say one word. "Revenge."

In the present, Snape sighed. He had made one of the most stupid mistakes of his life that night; blinded by pain and anger, he had sided with the Death Eaters.

His mistake had, however, led to Voldemort's defeat during the First War. If not for him, the Potters would have been assassinated long before Halloween of 1981.

Then again, if not for him, maybe the Potters wouldn't have been assassinated at all.

"Pettigrew." Snape, now 20 years old, said to Peter Pettigrew, Auror and close friend of the Potters. He was also their secret-keeper. "Let's get this over with, Snape." Peter said.

Ever since November of 1980, Severus Snape had been a spy for the Order of the Phoenix. His information had led to the capture of numerous Death Eaters.

Tonight, he was escorting a nemesis of his Hogwarts-days, Peter Pettigrew, to where the Death Eaters Nott and the Lestranges were supposed to be meeting to commence a raid on the Ministry of Magic.

The two of them walked through Muggle London (no chance of Death Eaters seeing them there) until they reached the Leaky Cauldron, where the Death Eaters were supposed to be meeting. Snape, under a Guise Charm, sat down with an also-Guised Peter at a table. Part of the operation was to appear to be two old friends having a drink together; Snape would leave before the actual bust.

"So, Snape... we're supposed to be talking... what topic do you suggest?" Peter asked after a spell, nearly bored to tears. Snape gave a small grin. "Well, I suppose we could discuss your multiple pranks from Hogwarts."

Peter retreated fast. "No, no, I'd rather forget that foolishness. However- I do have a question for you." "Ask." Snape responded.

"What exactly was going on between you and Lily in 5th year?" Snape's face went white. "How do you know about that?"

Peter grinned, more so mischeviously than at Snape's reaction. "Snape, we all knew. Hell, the night the lovebirds got together, James was complaining about you to Sirius!"

Snape hadn't realized that everyone knew. "How noticeable were we?" He didn't want to ask, but he had to know nonetheless. "Very. Hatred that strong between men and women simply doesn't exist in reality. All Hogwarts knew it was a cover."

Snape considered this. "I have a question now: why did you four hate me so much?"

Peter sighed. "Because you were easy to hate when we were young. It was easy- us against you. You responded, too; that was part of the fun. Attack Snape, dodge his counterattack, and launch a counter-counterattack while laughing at him. That was our plan, and it always worked." "Do you still hate me?" Snape asked, curious.

"No." Peter said. "Although I can only speak for myself and Remus- we never truly hated you. We just pranked people for fun. It was really James and Sirius who hated you. And you know the reason for that."

Snape said grimly "Yes, I do. That was a stupid mistake on my part." Peter smiled. "If you admitted that to them they might start to hate you less." Any further conversation was cut off as the Death Eaters left their table and disapperaed into Diagon Alley.

"I have to go after them. Don't worry about your cover; Moody gave me a special Memory Charm before I left Auror HQ." "Good luck, Peter." Snape said. "And to you." The young Auror said as he left. That was the last time Severus would see Peter Pettigrew for many long years.

Snape was in shock. Why did he leave this in his Pensieve? It seemed such a good memory! Then he realized it: he left it after the Potters had died. He wanted to keep his hatred strong, to keep his pain at bay.

Realizing what had happened to him over the years Snape started to cry. Not a big production- just a small cry to let our the pain that had built up within him for all the 33 years of his life. What have I become?

Snape then sat down at his desk. He wrote several letters in rapid succession. No one at Hogwarts would've recognized the Potions Master in that moment. The letters went out: one for Harry Potter, one for Sirius Black, and one for Remus Lupin.

That done, Snape felt that he had, at long last, come to terms with his past, and started to make amends for all the mistakes in his life. For the first time ever, Severus Snape drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face.

R&R, s'il vous plait.