I apologize for the long delay...things have been crazy lately. I'm not sure if this chapter came out the way I had hoped...so please provide feedback. Thanks!
Over the next few weeks, Chakotay tried to keep a close eye on Kathryn. He wanted to try and give her some space, to see if she would come out of her depression, but at the same time was protective of the baby. He knew Kathryn wouldn't harm her, but continuing to neglect her wouldn't help the situation. Every evening after he got off his duty shift, he would go to Kathryn's quarter to spend time with her and the baby. He usually was the one to fix dinner and at times had to practically force her to eat. Chakotay knew Kathryn was uncomfortable with him being there so much. Although she rarely held the baby, there were a few occasions when he caught a smile on her face from something the baby did, but it would quickly disappear when she saw him looking.
The time finally came when Chakotay knew he had to talk to Kathryn. One evening when he stopped by her quarters as usual...ringing the chime and not getting an answer he let himself in. He heard the baby crying in her crib and found that she needed to be fed. He immediately replicated a bottle and sat down on the couch with her. She quieted once Chakotay gave her the bottle and he wondered how long she had been crying like that. Once that was done, he placed the baby in her crib and walked to Kathryn's bedroom. He stood in the doorway, watching her sleep. How could she sleep through her crying? Sighing he walked back out into the main room and kneeled in front of the crib. His daughter was lying on her back, cooing as she kicked her legs in the air. "We'll make Mommy better...I promise."
The following day Chakotay spoke to the Doctor and Kes, and asked for their help. It was agreed that the Doctor would request for Kathryn to come to Sickbay early in the afternoon for a check-up and Kes would drop by her quarters after she left to pick up the baby and look after her.
Chakotay arrived at Kathryn's quarters shortly before the Doctor was to contact her. He was nervous about the whole situation, but knew it had to be done. He rang the chime and was surprised when Kathryn let him in; lately he had to use his override code. He found her curled up on the couch looking out the window and the baby asleep in her crib.
"How are you today Kathryn?" He took a seat on the couch, but kept his distance.
"I'm fine," she kept staring out the window, "you're here early. Normally you don't come by until your shift is over."
"It's been a pretty uneventful day and so I turned the bridge over to Tuvok. Unless anything major happens I have the rest of the day free."
As if on cue, the Doctor interrupted their awkward silence. "Sickbay to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here. What can I do for you Doctor?"
"Captain, I would like you to come to Sickbay so I can give you a check-up. It shouldn't take long." Kathryn sighed. "I'll be there in a few minutes Doctor. Janeway out." She stood up and glanced down at Chakotay. "I guess I had better get this over with. I don't know why the Doctor has to insist on so many check-ups?"
"He's just doing his job Kathryn. Besides, he did say it wouldn't take long. I'll be here when you get back and then maybe the three of us could go to the Holodeck."
Kathryn didn't look at him. "Maybe...I really should get going. Don't want to keep the Doctor waiting." With that, she quickly left her quarters. Waiting a few minutes, Chakotay then contacted Kes who came by to pick up the baby. He then sat quietly in Kathryn's quarters, patiently waiting for her return and contemplating what he was going to say.
A half hour passed and Kathryn returned to her quarters. Chakotay was sitting quietly on the couch when she walked in. As she passed the crib, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that it was empty. She looked over at Chakotay and saw he wasn't holding the baby. "Chakotay, where is the baby?"
"She's not here."
"Then where is she?"
"Does it matter?" Kathryn's head shot back in his direction and he knew he hit a nerve.
"What do you mean 'does it matter?' Where is she Chakotay?" She was rather annoyed at his question.
"Like I said Kathryn, she isn't here. As for my question to you, I'm surprised you even care that she isn't here. You barely acknowledge her presence anyway." He hated saying it, but the only way he knew to get through to her was to be brutally honest.
"How dare you say that to me..." Before she could continue, Chakotay quickly got up from the couch and advanced to her. She tried to move back, afraid of what might happen, but he grabbed her arm to stop her. He was angry and she could see it in his eyes.
"How dare I? What I said was the truth." She struggled to move away from him, but he wouldn't let her budge. "Over the last few weeks I have watched you slip deeper and deeper into this depression of yours. You sleep more and more every day. You barely acknowledge her!" He pointed to the empty crib. "When are we going to name her? When am I going to see you actually hold her? The crew is constantly asking me when they will get to see her and Neelix wants to throw a party. I keep having to make excuses, but I'm starting to run out of them. I can't sit by anymore and watch you self-destruct!" He stopped and tried to calm himself down.
Kathryn yanked her arm from Chakotay's grasp and moved quickly away from him. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" She put her hands over her ears and kept repeating it. Kathryn moved away from Chakotay until she felt her back touch the wall. He watched as Kathryn cried...almost in hysterics. He hoped he hadn't gone too far with all of this. Slowly he moved closer to her, wanting to try and give her comfort. He placed his hands on her arms and quietly said her name, "Kathryn." Although she heard him, she tried to push him away, but he wouldn't move. Her fists clenched, she began to pound them against his chest. "Why are you doing this...WHY?" Chakotay let her scream, hoping in some way it would help. The pounding began to diminish and he wrapped his arms around her. Her body stiffened at his touch...then she accepted it.
"Come on, let's go sit down." Kathryn didn't say anything as Chakotay led her over to the couch. He reached his hand up to wipe away the tears that slid down her cheeks. "Kathryn, I'm not going to apologize for what I said to you. I love you and want to help you get past what's bothering you." She brought her hand up and placed it around his, which was caressing her cheek.
"You know what's wrong Chakotay." She moved her gaze away from his. "I can't let there be an us, we've been through this before."
"You're scared, I understand that, but I'm not going to sit idly by and watch you let it destroy you. We have a child together and your acting as if she barely exists." At the last statement Kathryn began to cry again. Chakotay sighed...this is not going as I had planned. He moved closer to Kathryn and took her into his arms. She didn't object as she felt him rub his hand up and down her back trying to soothe her. Chakotay heard her sobs begin to quietly subside. She slowly sat up and looked at him, his face showed all the signs of worry and fatigue.
"I never meant for any of this happen, you know that don't you?" Chakotay nodded, but kept quiet. "Before the attack on Voyager, I was so happy. For the first time in years I started chipping away att he wall I had built around myself. The aftermath from the attack just brought my fears back again. I'm scared to let anyone in. There is love in my heart for you and our child, but..." she took a deep breathe before continuing, "...if I show it, I'm afraid I'll loose you both."
"Kathryn, I've told you before there are no guarantees. You can't let your fears rule your life; it will only end up destroying you. I think you know that if you continue this, our daughter will come to resent you as she gets older. Denying her the love she needs quite possibly could have its own repercussions." Kathryn's head quickly shot up and she looked at Chakotay. He could see worry in her eyes.
She let her head fall into her hands as she quietly began to cry, "I've made such a mess of things." Chakotay quickly pulled her hands away, "no you haven't. There is still plenty of time to fix this. I want to help you."