Fifteen minutes later he pulled up right behind Sam in front of her house, who was getting off her motorcycle. Jack only waited as long as it took him to put his feet on the ground before he started in on his 2IC, "What the hell is going on with you Carter? You want to transfer out of the SGC?!?!"
"That was my only other option sir," she told him as she turned away from her bike and headed to her front door.
Jack followed close behind her, angered by her unwillingness to communicate with him. "Carter, I've had enough of you avoiding me and the rest of SG-1. What is going on with you?"
Sam stopped in front of her door and turned to face him, "I already told you sir," she told him as she emphasized the 'sir.'
Jack looked at her and considered what she was saying and how she was saying it, she'd been doing that a lot recently. Maintaining the professional relationship, even when they weren't on duty. "Talk to me Sam, not as your CO, but as your friend," he told her as his face softened. "I'm worried about you," he sincerely told her.
Sam considered Jack's offer, it was time that she did speak to someone who knew about the past four years of her life. Her own eyes and face softened, "Do you want to come in?"
"Yes," a relieved Jack replied as he followed her inside. Sam went directly to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of coffee. Jack watched her as she moved about the kitchen, not knowing whether he should speak first or let her open up to him in her own time. His impatience got the better of him, "What happened with Orlin?"
Sam took a deep breath as she stood across from him over the kitchen counter, "When I got back from the psych-eval, Orlin was here waiting. He told me what had happened on 636… why I passed out. He said that his kind was capable of sharing their essences with others, that's what he tried with me on Velona. Since I wasn't ready and open to it, my body essentially shut down. When we were here, he asked me if he could try again."
Jack interrupted her at this point, "Tell me you didn't let him! You did, didn't you?"
"Yeah, he said that if I let him, then he'd leave me alone and disappear. I took a chance," she told him.
"How could you be so-" he stopped though when he saw Sam's disappointed face. "So what happened?" he asked her calmly.
"He… he let me look into his soul... It was scary and amazing at the same time, to know someone utterly and completely and have them know you as well... You know he was alone on Velona for over four hundred years... Can you imagine being all alone for four hundred years and only having your own thoughts as company? Knowing that because of your intervention, an entire civilization had been wiped out... That's what he lived with, and I saw that desolation in him." Sam left the kitchen to go sit in her living room. "That's why I couldn't recommend we go forward with the testing. The Ascended could have punished all of Earth because I was able to replace the weapon's power source. I almost condemned our entire planet because of what I thought up!"
As he listened to her story, Jack heard the guilt in her voice. "You can't know what's going to happen all the time."
"No, but I did this time… and there was nothing I could do to stop the Pentagon from proceeding with that test."
"Is that why you want to leave the SGC?"
Sam stared deep into his eyes before responding, "That's part of it..."
"Cause Daniel said it was because you thought we didn't trust you..." he revealed to her. When he saw her lower her face he realized that Daniel wasn't that far off the mark, "Sam, we trust you. You didn't let us down… we let you down. We're the ones that didn't believe you when you said Orlin was at your home… I was the one that thought you were crazy when you posed that hypothetical question to me. You didn't do anything wrong... I only hope that you can trust me again..." he added quietly.
Sam raised her eyes and looked into his, "I do trust you. I trust all of you at the SGC."
"Then why do you want to leave us?"
"Because I need to, for me..."
"What do you mean?"
Sam searched for the words, "I mean... I mean that I need to find a balance in my life... When Orlin shared his mind with me, I saw me through his eyes… And it scared me."
"What? What are you talking about? You're an amazing person!"
"Who has some very big flaws and voids in her life... I saw that my life wasn't complete and true… I need that."
Jack's mouth spoke before conferring with his mind, "That's where Jason comes in... That's why you want to leave the SGC," he said quietly as his world fell. He was losing his second in command to a guy he'd never heard Sam mention, to a part of her life that she'd never shared with her teammates.
Sam was amazed at his denseness, "No. Jason just helped me talk through some things and see what I wanted."
"Who is he?" he asked her, slightly relieved that Jason wasn't her reason for leaving.
"I've known Jason since middle school. We grew up in the same neighborhood and his father served with my dad. He's two years older than me, but he always let me hang out with him… We were really close friends. He was an upperclassman when I started at the Air Force Academy; he kept an eye out for me and helped me adjust. I don't think I would have studied so hard there if it weren't for him... I introduced him to Maria, my roommate from senior year. Two years later they were married. Maria served five years on active duty before going on inactive reserve to start a family. Katie's going to be six in November. A year ago, Maria was diagnosed with a very advanced stage of leukemia. Jason resigned his commission when she was diagnosed. He didn't want to waste any time he would have with her... He doesn't regret doing it either- he said that what he gained after resigning was too important to him... She died six months ago..."
"I'm sorry," Jack told her sincerely. Right then he was feeling like a complete ass… considering what he had been insinuating earlier between her and Jason. They sat in silence for several minutes. "So, are you going to regret your decision in a year?"
Sam looked down, "I hope not."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know…"
"Are you going to stick around here?"
"I'm not sure, depends on if I get that transfer."
"Why do you really want to leave?"
"Do you want the truth?"
"Yes."
"I can't work alongside you anymore," she whispered.
TBC
"That was my only other option sir," she told him as she turned away from her bike and headed to her front door.
Jack followed close behind her, angered by her unwillingness to communicate with him. "Carter, I've had enough of you avoiding me and the rest of SG-1. What is going on with you?"
Sam stopped in front of her door and turned to face him, "I already told you sir," she told him as she emphasized the 'sir.'
Jack looked at her and considered what she was saying and how she was saying it, she'd been doing that a lot recently. Maintaining the professional relationship, even when they weren't on duty. "Talk to me Sam, not as your CO, but as your friend," he told her as his face softened. "I'm worried about you," he sincerely told her.
Sam considered Jack's offer, it was time that she did speak to someone who knew about the past four years of her life. Her own eyes and face softened, "Do you want to come in?"
"Yes," a relieved Jack replied as he followed her inside. Sam went directly to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of coffee. Jack watched her as she moved about the kitchen, not knowing whether he should speak first or let her open up to him in her own time. His impatience got the better of him, "What happened with Orlin?"
Sam took a deep breath as she stood across from him over the kitchen counter, "When I got back from the psych-eval, Orlin was here waiting. He told me what had happened on 636… why I passed out. He said that his kind was capable of sharing their essences with others, that's what he tried with me on Velona. Since I wasn't ready and open to it, my body essentially shut down. When we were here, he asked me if he could try again."
Jack interrupted her at this point, "Tell me you didn't let him! You did, didn't you?"
"Yeah, he said that if I let him, then he'd leave me alone and disappear. I took a chance," she told him.
"How could you be so-" he stopped though when he saw Sam's disappointed face. "So what happened?" he asked her calmly.
"He… he let me look into his soul... It was scary and amazing at the same time, to know someone utterly and completely and have them know you as well... You know he was alone on Velona for over four hundred years... Can you imagine being all alone for four hundred years and only having your own thoughts as company? Knowing that because of your intervention, an entire civilization had been wiped out... That's what he lived with, and I saw that desolation in him." Sam left the kitchen to go sit in her living room. "That's why I couldn't recommend we go forward with the testing. The Ascended could have punished all of Earth because I was able to replace the weapon's power source. I almost condemned our entire planet because of what I thought up!"
As he listened to her story, Jack heard the guilt in her voice. "You can't know what's going to happen all the time."
"No, but I did this time… and there was nothing I could do to stop the Pentagon from proceeding with that test."
"Is that why you want to leave the SGC?"
Sam stared deep into his eyes before responding, "That's part of it..."
"Cause Daniel said it was because you thought we didn't trust you..." he revealed to her. When he saw her lower her face he realized that Daniel wasn't that far off the mark, "Sam, we trust you. You didn't let us down… we let you down. We're the ones that didn't believe you when you said Orlin was at your home… I was the one that thought you were crazy when you posed that hypothetical question to me. You didn't do anything wrong... I only hope that you can trust me again..." he added quietly.
Sam raised her eyes and looked into his, "I do trust you. I trust all of you at the SGC."
"Then why do you want to leave us?"
"Because I need to, for me..."
"What do you mean?"
Sam searched for the words, "I mean... I mean that I need to find a balance in my life... When Orlin shared his mind with me, I saw me through his eyes… And it scared me."
"What? What are you talking about? You're an amazing person!"
"Who has some very big flaws and voids in her life... I saw that my life wasn't complete and true… I need that."
Jack's mouth spoke before conferring with his mind, "That's where Jason comes in... That's why you want to leave the SGC," he said quietly as his world fell. He was losing his second in command to a guy he'd never heard Sam mention, to a part of her life that she'd never shared with her teammates.
Sam was amazed at his denseness, "No. Jason just helped me talk through some things and see what I wanted."
"Who is he?" he asked her, slightly relieved that Jason wasn't her reason for leaving.
"I've known Jason since middle school. We grew up in the same neighborhood and his father served with my dad. He's two years older than me, but he always let me hang out with him… We were really close friends. He was an upperclassman when I started at the Air Force Academy; he kept an eye out for me and helped me adjust. I don't think I would have studied so hard there if it weren't for him... I introduced him to Maria, my roommate from senior year. Two years later they were married. Maria served five years on active duty before going on inactive reserve to start a family. Katie's going to be six in November. A year ago, Maria was diagnosed with a very advanced stage of leukemia. Jason resigned his commission when she was diagnosed. He didn't want to waste any time he would have with her... He doesn't regret doing it either- he said that what he gained after resigning was too important to him... She died six months ago..."
"I'm sorry," Jack told her sincerely. Right then he was feeling like a complete ass… considering what he had been insinuating earlier between her and Jason. They sat in silence for several minutes. "So, are you going to regret your decision in a year?"
Sam looked down, "I hope not."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know…"
"Are you going to stick around here?"
"I'm not sure, depends on if I get that transfer."
"Why do you really want to leave?"
"Do you want the truth?"
"Yes."
"I can't work alongside you anymore," she whispered.
TBC