"I was home alone.There was something both wonderful and terrible about the privacy.I walked from room to room,glad that each one was empty.No one could nag me,bother me,or scare me. I was feeling safe.After an hour of looking at magizines,i started to feel frightened of nothing in particular.I wanted the fear to go away.I tried to tell myself there was nothing wrong,school was okay,my oboe playing was good,I had parties to go to.But the fear wouldnt go away.I banged my forehead against the wall of my bedroom.My head stung,but only for a moment.As the stinging diminished,I knew that i needed something that would last much longer.It had to last so long that by the time it went away,my feeling of dread would be gone and wouldnt come back,at least not for
a long time.
I left my bedroom and went into the kitchen.No sneaking around this time.I would look at the knives on the rack as if I were shopping in a department store,leisurely.No sneaking into a stall in the ladies room with a small sewing scissor this time.I could feel the fear refusing to leave me,but i knew i could get rid of it any second.I chose the sharp serrated knife we use for frozen foods.The serrations would make the most jagged,roughest cuts of all.It would hurt the most.Bleed the most.And take the longest time to heal.I would make the cut slowly.getting the most pain from each millimeter.
I placed it across my left forearm on the underside-easy to hid.Easy to explain as an accident from a fall.I slowly made a one-inch cut.I thought i could feel each tooth of the knifes edge bite into and tear a little piece of skin.
It wasnt pain i was feeling,It was like an injection of Novocaine that the dentist uses;it makes the pain go away even though the needle 'pricks' as the dentist puts it in.And because i control the pain, there was no fear with it.So maybe its not real pain.When i finished the inch,blood ran down the side of my forearm in a neat stream onto a folded paper towel.The stream was dark,red,and thick, but i wanted to see more, so i tilted my arm and the stream broke into three rivulets and the rivulets broke into a wash that was three inches wide and turned my forearm red.
That was enough for me to see.The fear and dread were gone.I washed my arm under cold water and used hydrogen peroxide to stop the bleeding.I put a gauze pad on with adhesive tape.I went back to my bed and fell asleep.It took me two hours to remember the details.Though i knew what i had done when i woke up in the morning"
I could see Tomika's mood change as she recounted the incident.As she was describing the cutting and bleeding,she went into a trance-like state as if she were re-living it all.This kind of trancelike state is typical of cutters.I askedTomika to tell me what the expierence ment to her,its value.
She said.
"It was like medicine for all my fears"