THE REIGN OF MUMMY
Default Diddums
Bad Boy, wrote Draco Malfoy carefully on the top of his paper, quill tip still moist from the interior of his mouth. The reference book open in front of him was fairly new; the spine was uncreased and there were no marks on the pages. He smirked to himself as he read the definition the book provided him with and wondered briefly if Granger had known how accurate she was in calling him that before she slapped him for the eighth time so far this academic year. He leant back in the library chair and grinned to himself. Bad Boy, yes that was him. Perfect. Now to find a muggle phrase that would both insult the chipmunk look-alike and stupefy her with his knowledge of muggles. This was shaping up to be a great day, and it was only two in the afternoon.
'Draco?' snapped a rather irritated voice from behind him, and he span around slowly.
Blaise Zabini was standing behind his chair, arms akimbo and scowling. He was carrying a parchment which had clearly been ripped in three straight columns; the homework formerly known as potions. His hair was more ruffled than normal and his nose looked as if it had been vigorously pecked. Sitting on his shoulder, rather smugly, was an enormous eagle owl carrying a letter in its mail pouch.
'Get your animal off my shoulder – ARGH!' Blaise had received a hasty swipe from the bird, which preferred to be referred to as Horatio.
'Horatio,' Draco patted the edge of the desk three times and the bird flopped down onto it with a purposeful lack of grace which involved sidling down Zabini's tie and ripping it.
'Bloody bird,' the other boy muttered, stalking off angrily towards the potion's department of the library.
Horatio gave an angry caw at the retreating Slytherin and nuzzled Draco's hand happily. The chocolate treat emerged, the frog still hopping, and he set into it; ripping the legs off and then joyfully guzzling the head before finishing the confectionary off. If the frog had been able to scream, doubtless it would have. Draco unravelled the letter cautiously; half afraid it would spit Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans at him as the last one had.
It was from his mother of course. The parchment was soft under his fingers as she'd enchanted it to be. If anyone else touched it, it would be like sandpaper against their fingers. It also tended to turn Blaise yellow, which was definitely an interesting side effect. He scanned it hastily for important news, leaving out the last two paragraphs which were always fully of social gossip – not exactly interesting for a seventeen turning eighteen year old boy as it rarely contained any quidditch, sex or humiliations.
Dearest darlingest Draco, it read
Smoochums, I'm terribly sorry I haven't sent you a parcel. Larks, I'm so dreadfully busy packing. The houselves are being atrocious – Poddy keeps folding my tights the wrong way round, which naturally makes them more prone to weakening on the ladderless charms. Anyway, I hope dear Hermione is alright – you treat her as any good boyfriend should, you understand. I'm so happy you chose to ask her out, what a show of repentance for the Malfoy family, and of your own choice. Give my love to Harry and Ron as well, darling, such a better choice of friends than that awful Crabbe and Goyle. Oh, and say hello to Blaise for me as well.
Anyway, lovely, I don't know why I'm asking you to send my greetings – I shall see them all anyway! Oh, it's so exciting. Pudding, I have to fly now.
Always loving,
Mummy
P.S. How utterly ditzy! I completely forgot to tell you what I wrote this letter to tell you! Darling, I know you'll be so happy. Professor Dumbledore is allowing me to move into Hogwarts to run a course on What Happens in the Families of Those Affected by Dark Arts!!! I'll be there tomorrow!
Draco Malfoy sat stunned for a moment. His mummy, coming here? To Hogwarts?
'CRAP!' he wrote in capital letters across his parchment, repetitively.
'Malfoy!' came a shrill voice from the aisle he had his back to, 'Malfoy you utter slime ball!'
Hermione Granger, Head Girl of Hogwarts, was storming up the gap between bookshelves. Her neatly ringleted hair was tied into a messy ponytail on top of her head, and bits were falling down to frame her pale face. Beneath her obligatory robes she wore a pair of loose jeans and a purple sweatshirt, and on her feet were a pair of purple ballet style pumps. In seventh and sixth years full uniform was not necessary, only the outer robe. In Hermione's case the robe was ornamented with the Gryffindor house emblem and her Head girl badge. Her eyebrows were pinched together angrily, and she was peering down towards him through a pair of small glass spectacles which she wore for reading.
There was a tiny second year Ravenclaw following her meekly, his shirt bearing three large rip marks, and his face bleeding heavily. Tears were still falling down his face. Draco desperately looked around for Horatio, and to his horror saw him levitating some three feet behind the pair marching towards him.
'Look what your bird's done!' the Head Girl shrieked loudly, gesturing at the injured boy, 'It's a bloody menace! It shouldn't even be in the Library, you know that!'
'Let my bird go, Granger,' he said icily, standing up so that she had to peer up at him, 'It's valuable.'
'So are students,' Hermione waved the boy back a pace as she stepped forward so that they were almost chest to chest.
'I'm sure all his possessions don't add up to the amount I paid for Horatio.'
'This is why I absolutely detest you Malfoy!' she hissed under her breath, 'You're arrogant, cocky and inconsiderate!'
'Dear me, Chipmunk, shouldn't be bringing personal vendettas into this, should you? Might loose you that shiny badge.'
Her hand had made contact with his face long before he could react; as it had done so many times he lost count. He never knew when to expect her violent abuse of his fair skin, and could never stop her doing so. Something made him loathe to twist her arm behind her back, or curse her in any way. He put it down to breeding.
'I will be telling professor Snape about this, believe me.'
He didn't believe her. She never did tell his Head of House about what she termed his 'atrocities' for a reason he couldn't fathom. She marched the little boy away towards the Hospital Wing, patting his shoulder and whispering encouraging words to him to try and stop him crying. Horatio sank down to the floor, still frozen.
'What am I going to do?' Draco asked the petrified bird in desperation.
'About what, Malfoy?' Blaise Zabini looked interested, sticking his head around the next shelf.
'My mother's coming here tomorrow,' Draco muttered, sitting down again.
'Ah. She doesn't still think you're best friends with me and the wonder gang does she?'
'Worse. Much worse. IaccidentallytoldherIwasgoingoutwithChipmunk.'
Zabini chortled. He howled with mirth. He laughed until tears were streaming down his eyes, and he had to lean on the books for support.
'How,' he gasped out at last, 'how did you manage to accidentally tell your mother you were going out with Hermione Granger?'
Draco said nothing. He couldn't. There was nothing to say.
'This is the Hermione Granger who just slapped you again? The one you dubbed Chipmunk? The one who's best friends with Wonder Boy and The Rodent?'
'YES!' exploded Draco after a moment of silence, 'YES! That one!'
'Uh-hu. The one who's going steady with Oliver Wood of Puddlemere United?'
'She's what?'