Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: I was going through the stories I'd wrote the other day, and was suddenly struck by a thought (it really hurt!), a lot of people were asking for a continuation of the 'Teenage years of a loser called Rimmer stories', needless to say I was flattered. As some of you may know, I've been writing some co-written work recently (Alter-U, Staccato) and it's been a laugh. I've decided to write a quite happy story, with more fluff then a wet Persian cat that's been blow-dried. So enjoy!
Oh, one more thing, if you are about to read this, but haven't read 'Teenage years of a loser called Rimmer' or the sequel 'further teenage years of a loser called Rimmer' you might want to, because otherwise you'll send me emails wanting to know various details.
"What do you mean you didn't see it!?!" wailed Rimmer, flapping his hands about in an obvious display of anger and desperation. To say that his temper was short was laughably understated. He was stuck on starbug on some twisted treasure hunt for Red Dwarf, so that had got his blood bubbling, and now they'd been sucked into some 'tunnely, holey thing', (Cat's child like terminology also sent his blood pressure rocketing) all because Lister hadn't obeyed Rimmer's given orders.
"It just appeared out of no where," replied Lister rolling his eyes at the holograms overreacting, "It took me by surprise!"
There was a pause, and for a second Lister thought Rimmer had bought his made up excuse.
"You were playing that stupid game again weren't you?" came his harsh voice.
"No" said Lister, far too quickly
"You were!" said Rimmer in a singsong voice, laced with anger.
"Wasn't!" replied Lister, casually knocking the 'Ultimate Zombie Alien death match 2' case off the desk and onto the floor, but Rimmer had already jumped to his conclusion and quickly thought up an insult and a nag rolled into one.
"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you" he said in a strange calm voice that made Lister slightly scared.
"For what?" he asked reluctantly.
"FOR SENDING US ALL INTO THE FLAMING GATES OF OBLIVION WHERE AWAITS A HORRID, LENGHTY, PAIN LADEN DEATH FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US" He screamed, making Lister fall off the table where he'd been perched and tried to crawl out of the way of Rimmer's wrath. For a second, there was silence except for Rimmer's erratic breathing and gentle hum of Stabugs engines, there was no sound.
"Sos" said Lister meekly.
"SOS!" mocked Rimmer, burying his head in his hands "you've sent us into the deep dark abyss of the unknown, where our survival is about as likely as a Swedish person causing a riot and all you can say is….SOS!"
"Must you yell so loud, Sir?" interrupted Kryten waddling in through the doors, "any louder and I shall have to change my ears again" he tutted and then noticed Lister sat on the floor, looking very sheepish.
"Mr Lister" he fussed "don't sit on that part of the floor, I haven't had chance to mop it yet" He then pulled Lister onto his feet, swept the dust from his jacket and straightened his hat in one swift motion.
"Have you and Cat finished checking the ship for damages?" barked Rimmer, still glaring at Lister.
"Yes, sir" replied Kryten, nervously twisting his hands. An angry Rimmer always sent his fear chip into over drive, the memory of him persuading Kryten to clean the garbage pod from the inside, before he shot it out into space was still fresh in the mechanoid's mind.
"And?" snapped Rimmer, folding his arms behind his back.
"Only one single failing on board the craft, Sir" announced Kryten proudly "and it's easily dealt with"
"What is it?" asked Lister, just wanting to be involved in the conversation rather then be on the receiving end of Rimmer's 'i'm pissed off and i'm having a great time showing it' glare.
"The drinks dispenser keeps giving out Pepsi instead of Fanta"
"Oh it always does that, that's normal," said Lister,
"Then I am pleased to announce that I have found no damage caused to the ship"
"And what about the Cat?" asked Rimmer, there was a note of panic in his voice, surly the Cat had found something good enough for him to be shouted at.
"He's still inspecting all the 'reflective objects' and mirrors as we speak"
"And his report is?" queried Rimmer, staring at Kryten through dangerously narrowed eyes.
Kryten coughed "damn, I'm looking fine today!"
Lister laughed, that was typical of Cat, they were stuck floating around in the middle of no where, with little chance of every getting back, and he still put 'looking good' top of his list of priorities.
"I don't know what you're laughing at, Lister" said Rimmer, voice dripping with contempt "it's your fault we're in this mess in the first place"
"Come' on Rimmer" sighed Lister "think of it as an adventure, you read all those crappy books about war, about bravely going into the unknown, you should try it some time, Could be an adventure!"
"Lister, unlike you I'm proud not to possess a mind which when faced with a big, roaring mass of machinery full of cogs, and other various sharp pieces of metal churning about at a high speed, wonders 'what will happen if I stick my hand in it'. Sound familiar?" smiled Rimmer.
"I'd never do that," said Lister returning the sarcastic smile "cos I learnt me lesson from last time I did it!"
"Oh shame" breathed Rimmer "for a moment there I thought you'd learnt something!"
"Shut up" hissed Lister.
"Sirs" clucked Kryten, "I hate to interrupt your heated debate, but there's a planet up ahead!"
"So?" chorused Rimmer and Lister, staring at the mechanoid.
"It has a breathable atmosphere and is inhabited"
Rimmer let out an excited gasp, and his mouthed prepared to say "al-" but he was cut off.
"You even breathe the word 'aliens' and I'll ram my fist so far up your arse you'll be chewing my finger nails" snarled Lister, curling his hands into fists as a visual aid. Rimmer said nothing, but scowled, he walked out of the cockpit, closing the door behind him, before screaming at the top of his hologramatic lungs "ALIENS" before running away.
Lister moved to run after him, but Kryten grabbed the back of his shirt, "Sir, now is not the best time for your childish antics. We've got bigger problems on our hands!" Lister wrenched his shirt free of Kryten grip and straightening his jacket.
"Like what?" he asked,
"We're very low on supplies, and I'm not quite sure how to phrase this but…."
"Spill it," ordered Lister,
"I can't!" sobbed the mechanoid, squirming.
"Kryters! Spill it NOW!"
"The planet down there is inhabited by people!"
Lister dived past the mechanoid, and tapped a few buttons; a microscopic bustling city filled the screen. People!
"Smeg, you're right, there's people down there" he gave a whoop of delight and turned to Kryten "why's that a bad thing?"
Kryten let out a strangled wail "I know what you're like with women, sir" he cried, "you'll find some large cheasted, long legged, tiny waisted female and get shacked up with her!"
"I know" grinned Lister "great isn't it!"
Kryten said nothing,
"Okay, lets take a closer look" smiled Lister, steering Starbug into the planets orbit, whilst Rimmer was singing 'aliens' in a variety of voices behind the closed cockpit door.