Chapter 11: Sirius Black and the Incredibly Clichéd Chapter

"Sirius!" the black-haired woman shouted, running up to him. "Sirius! It's me, Melinda; remember?"

"Who?" Sirius asked, positive that he had never seen this woman before. "And how do you know my name?"

"How couldn't I?" Melinda chuckled, falling into step with Sirius. "I was only screaming it all ni-"

"Stop," Sirius interrupted. "Stop right there. Is there something that I should know?"

"Yes," Melinda replied, taking a deep breath. "Sirius, you're a father."

"Maybe he's a father, but he's not the father of your child," an indignant voice called from behind Melinda. Sirius was horrified to realize that the voice belonged to a man.

"What are you talking about?" Melinda snapped, turning around to face the nameless man. "You're a guy! Men don't have kids!"

"You're just prejudiced against vampires," the man returned. He stepped out from behind Melinda and revealed himself to be…Snape. "How are you, Siri, darling?" Sirius couldn't say a word.

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"I hate you, Black," Snape sobbed an hour later. "How can you deny being the father of Severus Junior?"

"Well," Sirius replied, "first off, men don't get pregnant."

"That's what I told him," Melinda screeched, "but did he listen to me? Nooo…"

"Shut the hell up, Melinda," Sirius sighed. "Now, secondly, I would never name my son Severus Junior. I mean, if I ever happened to somehow get you pregnant, the resulting child's name would be Sirius Junior. Not Severus. No way."

"You little bitch," Snape snapped, inadvertently revealing his long, pointed fangs. "Oh, guess what? I'm a vampire!"

"Yeah," Melinda replied sarcastically, "I got that idea when you said, and I quote, 'You're just prejudiced against vampires' earlier."

"Damn you," Snape spat, stalking away, his long robes gliding behind him. "Damn you to HELL!"

"Wouldn't…doing it with Severus be awfully painful?" Melinda asked in confusion after Severus was gone. "I mean, with the fangs and all…"

"Just shut up about that, okay?" Sirius asked, looking incredibly disturbed. "It's bad enough that Snape obviously fantasizes about…doing it with me; I really don't want to think about what it would feel like." And Sirius, just about ready to lose his lunch, started walking away.

"WAIT!" Melinda shouted after him. "WHAT ABOUT MELINDA JUNIOR?"

"Tell her to go jump off a cliff," Sirius muttered. "Not that she's real…"

THREE YEARS LATER

"Dear Daddy," Sirius read in horror,

"Mommy told me that you said I should 'go jump off a cliff'; I'm not really sure why you would want me to do that…"