Author's Note: Special guest appearance by my sister, Baby Blue!
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...just Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy ;-) and credit goes to Baby Blue for creating White Chocolate and the phrase "flesh- tearing-machete-eating PANCAKE OF DOOM"
Chapter 11: Final Confrontation
(Enter Kazas, seemingly in perpetual night and swarming with soliders enforcing marshal law. We encounter some very *cough* interesting characters from the moment we arrive, like this guy)
Trader: *walks in suspiciously, wearing a long trenchcoat* Psst! You -- yeah, you! Wanna see something special?
Wesley: Don't you DARE open that coat...
Trader: *opens coat*
All: GAAH!! *Shields eyes*
Trader: Relax! I just wanna show you a Dragon's feather
Me: But --
Trader: Yup! It's an authentic Dragon's feather, straight from Ferybrand! No! Don't touch it, it's very posionous!
Me: But --
Trader: You wanna know how I got this very rare Dragon's feather?
All: No
Trader: I killed Ferybrand!
All: *blink blink*
Me: But --
Trader: I'll sell it to ya for a mere 1000 G!
Wesley: Why the hell would we wanna buy a poisonous feather?
Me: But --
Trader: Because....it can cure illness!
Me: BUT DRAGONS DON'T HAVE FEATHERS!!!
Trader: *raised eyebrow* How do you know that?
Me: I, uh, um...
Soldier: *enter* Who here is the one who claims he slayed Ferybrand?!
(The soldier stares down Wesley, while the trader trys to be slick and sneak out)
Soldier: It must be YOU!
Trader: ?!
Soldier: You are under arrest! *Grabs Trader*
Trader: Wait, wait, I -- I was just kidding! I really didn't I..I...HELP!!
*Exit Soldier and Trader, kicking and screaming*
Owner of Item Shop: Don't worry bout it guys....that same trader came in here last week trying to sell me a toenail clipping from the Giganto Leroy, claiming that it could cure illness
All: Eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....
(Um....yeah.....we see some draft dodgers and we also ran through aisles connecting two "sound-proof" rooms)
Person: Join the New Serdio Party!
Wesley: If these rooms are so sound-proof, then how come I can here them?
Person: The New Serdio Party is all about bringing peace and blah blah blah blah....
(Well, nobody cares about the New Serdio Party. We finally reach the entrance of the Black Castle)
Wesley: Wow. That's really black.
Me: *eye twitch*
Ania: Tina, don't --
Me: *sigh* ....You know what, I'm just -- not going to say anything. You're making it too easy.
Wesley: What?
Timoty: Nevermind! Let's just find another way in *points to the heavily guarded entrance* becuz I don't think they're gunna let us just stroll in.
Me: Didn't I say that in the last chapter?
Ania: Nobody cares. Let's just go.
(We walk past the Black Castle and try to find a back way in, but the earth begins to shake)
Wesley: An earthquake?!
Boberto: Wait a minute....earthquakes don't shake to a constant beat, do they?
Ania: You guys hear that in the distance...sounds like.....Dr Dre?!
Me: *rubs temples* Oh, I forgot to tell y'all....to get in we gotta go thru the Sandoran ghetto....
All: You've got to be kidding me
[Oh, excuse me the "slums" of Kazas....but that's the same as a ghetto, pretty much]
Playa: Yo, what up my DAWG
Dawg: What up playa! You still bangin' that chickenhead?
Playa: Oh fo sho! All the bitchez and hos come back fo mo of my magic stick...*notices me and Ania* oooh, baby....
Dawg: Damn, you better tap that ass!
Playa: *slips his arm around my shoulder*
Me: Ania! Run, save yourself!
Playa: Girl, you must be a parking ticket cuz you got FINE written all over you *licks lips*
Dawg: Holla!
Timoty: Ok, horndog, time to stop the romancing *pulls me away*
(So we quickly duck into one of the buildings and wander the ghettos to the loud, angry lyrics of Dr Dre and Eminem. We then find a small boy with baggy clothes and bling-bling hanging off his little arms and neck)
???: What up, crackers?
Boberto: Corey, you little bitch what the hell you doing here?!
White Chocolate: Yo, cracker my name ain't "Corey" it's White Chocolate dawg
Wesley: What? Who?
Boberto: It's just my brother. Don't mind him.
Wesley: Then wouldn't he be....
Me: They're brothers IN REAL LIFE dumbass
Wesley: Well exCUSE me.....
Timoty: Stop being stupid, Corey
White Chocolate: *pulls out a gun, and holds it sideways [gansta style]* Don't make me bust a cap in yo ass
Timoty: Hey!! *Takes the gun away* That's my airsoft gun!
White Chocolate: Dammit...
Me: Well *cough* White Chocolate....what exactly are you doing in the LoD Compton?
White Chocolate: I'm here to help you crackers --
Ania: Stop calling us crackers!!
White Chocolate: Don't get yo panties in a twist....newayz, I'm here to help you -- people -- into the Black Castle
Wesley: There aren't going to be black people in the Black Castle, are there?
Me: Why, you scared they gunna beat you up?
Wesley: Nevermind...
Ania: Why do you want to help us out?
White Chocolate: Bitch, cuz that's my entire purpose in this game....now follow me *pimp walks up some stairs*
All: .....
~ ~ ~
(Corey *cough* excuse me, White Chocolate, leads us to a hole in the ground with a rope descending down into the hole)
White Chocolate: Go down there and you'll end up in the Black Castle
Boberto: {Mental note: When I get out of here, I gotta beat Swaim's ass for kidnapping me and beat Corey's ass for being...himself....}
White Chocolate: Aite, peace y'all *Sammy Sosa signature 'peace' sign* I best be going to finish my "business" *snaps fingers, and two girls appear on each arm, then exits*
Me: I told ya he's the pimp of the universe
Boberto: Yeess, Lady Pimptress
Ania: *rolls eyes* Well, we'd better prepared before we go down into the Castle and all....
Me: There you go again...we don't need that "be prepared" Boy Scout shit. Where's the fun in that? I'm going NOW *slides down the rope*
All: *shrugs shoulders and follows me down into the hole*
Ania: It's just not fair....*follows everyone else*
~ ~ ~
(After crawling through underground tunnels and climbing other various ropes and ladders, we finally enter -- DA DA DA DUM!! The Black Castle!! And, of course, the first people to greet us are the guards)
All: Hi guys!!
Guard: *blink blink*
[This is the part where you blow your whistle and say "Bastard," like in Hellena]
Guard: Oh yeah...*whistle blows* Bastard!
[Thaaat's more like it]
(Like in Hellena, you only fight if you run into guards and their "hell hounds." Unlike in Hellena, you don't have anywhere else to run so you kinda hafta fight them. Then you find some elevators, but they won't work)
All: Dammit!
(Relax!! Just go through that door on your left -- no, the other left, called your right!)
Wesley: So does that mean you want us to go right or left?
(Left)
Wesley: Left?
(Right)
Wesley: Right?
(Right)
Boberto: So..very..confused...
Me: Well, you shouldn't be seeing as how THERE IS ONLY ONE DOOR!!
Boberto: I thought you only yelled at Wesley.
Me: I do not discriminate -- everyone is an equal target for my sarcasm and yelling.
(So after some unneeded arguing with each other and the author, we finally went through the door and found a purple pillar of light in the middle of the room)
All: Oooooooooh....pretty colors.....
Green Researcher: Have you come to admire my green flame?
White [no, that does not indicate the color of his skin] Researcher: Or perhaps you're here to admire my white flame, seeing as how your green flame SUCKS
Timoty: Actually, we're trying to find Emperor Joel --
Green Researcher: My flame sucks?!
White Researcher: You're damn right it does! Yours doesn't do anything!!
Green Researcher: At least mine isn't a pussy flame!
White Researcher: You wanna take this outside, bitch?!
Green Researcher: Bring it on!
(Both the researchers step outside, and we hear some punches thrown and lots of screaming.)
Me: I think they're gunna be there awhile.
Wesley: Well maybe we can figure this out for ourselves...
Me: More like we'll figure it out, and you'll stand there and look pretty.
(Before Wesley could object, Boberto went to the green flame, Timoty went to the white flame, and I examined the purple flame in the middle of the room. Wesley and Ania just stood there and -- well, looked pretty)
Boberto: The White Researcher was right, the green flame doesn't do shit! *Pokes at the flame continuously*
(Timoty has slightly better luck with his flame -- he pokes the flame and the whole room filled with a bright, white light.)
All: I'm blind!!!!
(Yet, actually, they are healed....::wow::)
Ania: Tina, what about this purple flame?
Me: *pokes it continously* Well, it doesn't respond to me poking it *ponders, then notices a shelf full of jars* I wonder what these do....*reads the label* Purple Oil used to power the Castle's elevators....
Wesley: *snatching away the jar* I guess that's what we need. Let's go.
(The Researchers, bloody and bruised, enter as we exit)
White Researcher: So, who did you come to see?
Me: Nobody. We got what we came for. *All exits*
~ ~ ~
Baby Blue: Are you EVER going to fight Emperor Joel in this chapter?!
Me: YES! Geez, so impacient....
[Okay, that was lame...]
~ ~ ~
(So, with our newly acquired Purple Oil, we freely use the elevators to get wherever the hell we want. And the first place we go? A garbage disposal)
All: WHY?!?!?!
Wesley: Look! A chest!
Me: There's probably something lame in it anyways....wait, Wesley what the hell you doing?!
Timoty: The dumbass is walking across the platform to get to the chest.
(Just for fun, we'll have the platform fall out from below Wesley, so that he falls down into the trash)
All: O_o
Wesley: *climbing up the ladder back to us* Tina...you SO owe me once we get outta here....
Me: *picks banana peel out of his spiky hair*
Wesley: That doesn't count!! You still owe me!!
(So, second attempt and Wesley is successful and reaches the chest)
Wesley: *opens the chest* Look!! It's a...red stone....better than nothing I guess.
(And he returns without a hitch, and we go right back to the elevators. This time, we go to the floor directly below the Researchers' lab [or something like that] and we find another chest. But now we got something -- er, someONE else blocking our way)
Mr Magi: Who are you?!
Ania: Shouldn't we be asking you the same thing?
Mr Magi: I'M not the one intruding on someone else's research!
Me: Wait, you're a researcher? Then why aren't you up there with the other guys beating the crap outta each other?
Mr Magi: Because I mastered a type of magic those two FOOLS could never comprehend! The power of Transfiguration!
All: Riiiiight.....
Mr Magi: How DARE you all mock me! Well, I'll show you! I summon the flesh-tearing-machete-eating-PANCAKE OF DOOM!!!!!
(All those words and yet....nothing happens.....)
All: *blink blink*
Mr Magi: Well...um...I was just kidding! But now, I will summon the all- powerful-blood-sucking MOTH OF DEATH!!!!
*Cricket chirping*
Timoty: This is sad....
Boberto: Worse than Wesley...
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, now I, um...screw it
(The angry Mr Magi charges at the five of us and runs into....my sword)
Mr Magi: *dies*
All cept me: OMG YOU KILLED MAGI!!
Me: Sorry! Defense mechanism...
Baby Blue: HOLD IT!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!
[Fine...]
(REWIND!!)
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, I, uh...CERBERUS!!! EMERGE!!!
Wesley: He sounds serious this time....
Mr Magi: *turns into a dog*
Me and Ania: PUPPY!!
Mr Magi: Woof woof
Guys: *Anime sweatdrop*
Wesley: Ok, enough of that....*retrieves Blue Stone from the chest* Let's get outta here.
~ ~ ~
(Almost there! Well...not really....we again use the elevators to get to a floor where the guards are training)
[Nice going]
All cept Wesley: Blame Wesley! It's all his fault!
Wesley: Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful
Me: Okay, you're not THAT cute
(Anyways.....you fight the guards and they again insist on fighting you one at a time)
All: *snore*
(And FINALLY you use the ladder to get to the...Great Commander?!)
Great Commander: Oh, so it's you.
Ania: IT'S YOU!
Great Commander: Yeah, it's me....you're point?
Ania: You kidnapped me and tried to rape me!!!
Great Commander: First of all, NO ONE TOUCHED YOU...you just like to think that we did....second of all, I'm not like that anymore
Wesley: What, you're gay now?
Great Commander: NO! No, I mean I'm not evil anymore. I realized that Emperor Joel has become sick with power and he's killing innocent people to obtain what he wants [this will be a reoccuring theme throughout the game]....He didn't used to be like this. Here, take this*gives Wesley the Yellow Stone*
Wesley: What's this?
Great Commander: It's the key to Emperor Joel's chamber, when combined with the Blue and Red Stones
Wesley: SEE! I knew they would be useful!
Great Commander: Riiiiight....just go save Emperor Joel
Wesley: I thought we were here to kill him
Great Commander: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH! Now, leave before I turn evil again....
(Okay, okay NOW we're almost to Emperor Joel!)
~ ~ ~
(Or maybe not....we go up to the fourth floor and we enter a chamber, but it doesn't look like Emperor Joel's chamber. We find a really big statue of a goddess, and we discover a platform with three holes in it)
All: ::wow::
Father Faza: Hey! Whadda bout me?!
[Nobody cares]
Father Faza: Bitch...
[Why must all you characters all insist on calling me a bitch?!?]
Wesley: Then stop writing it that way
[Don't make me smite you]
(So, yeah....we put the three stones in the three holes [what geniuses] and discover that there is an elevator within the statue of the goddess!)
All: ::wow::
(Alright, this is it! Just one more elevator ride up to Emperor Joel....)
Leroy: ARGH!!
(Okay, maybe I lied....)
Wesley: Leroy, would you mind not blocking the door, we're trying to stop a war here.
Leroy: Gigantos no lose twice!! Fight me!!
Me: Alright, but you asked for it...
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Well, doesn't this look familiar? But this time Leroy's got special armor [ooooo....aaaahhh...]. After we exchange attacks a couple of times Leroy....)
Leroy: Leroy need no weapon! *Drops axe* Leroy beat you with bare hands!
All: Riiiight....
(And yet, he can. One of his attacks is especially potent: a wall appears behind whoever he is attacking [me] and Leroy nails you to the wall by the neck. He then punches you against the wall and then the wall comes tumbling down on top of you)
Leroy: Crash!
Me: *dies*
Wesley and Boberto (who are fighting with me in the battle): !?!?
[Stupid, heal me!!]
Boberto: Oh, yeah *uses Angel's Prayer*
(And, again, if you mess up on an addition then Leroy hurts you the same way he did in Hoax. Finally, after a little more effort than the first time, we beat Leroy)
Leroy: *falls on his hands and knees, shaking* Leroy beaten twice....even with special armor....me failed....kill me, please
All: ......
Wesley: We'd rather just leave you here.
Boberto: Yeah, we gotta war to end *see ya*
[I'm not doing the whole "Shana I hope you're sweetness won't kill you" bit, because frankly, Ania is more likely to try and kill Leroy than I am]
(FINALLY! WE GET TO FIGHT EMPEROR JOEL! I promise)
Joel: So nice of you to come all the way out here just to die *lowers his throne*
Me: It's more like you're the one who's gunna die...
Wesley: But first, we want some answers! Why did you have Ania taken away?!
Joel: Oh, that was all Jimbo's plan, I dunno what the hell he's up to....and, don't you owe me money?
Wesley: Um..no I don't think so --
Joel: Yes you do! Everybody owes me money, now gimme yours!
Wesley: Fine...*pulls out some ones from his pocket*
Me: Dumbass! He's trying to mess with your head!
Wesley: Oh.
Joel: hehehe
Boberto: Why did you kill my father?!
Joel: I didn't kill your father. He's still on the run from the IRS and trying to avoid child support
Boberto: No, not my REAL dad...my video game dad...
Joel: Oh...wait, lemme review the script *reviews the script*
All: There's a script?!
Joel: Oh, yes now I remember...*ahem* I was saving the country from an incompetent leader named Carlo.
Boberto: Oh, okay. But we're still going to fight you.
Joel: Fair enough
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Joel gets two swords [NOT FAIR!] and he'll either just slash you with them, pick you up and throw you to the ground with them, or he'll use a Thunder element item. We got him down to red pretty fast)
Wesley: Well, that was easy enough
Joel: Oh, so you wanna play it like that, huh? Well, I'm show you my TRUE power! *Transforms into the Violet Dragoon, and health goes back to blue*
Me: Spoke too soon there, buddy.
(Now THIS is the fun part. Joel's magical and physical attacks cause a helluva lot more damage now that he's a Dragoon, so it's a good thing we stocked up on Healing Potions and Angel's Prayers [you DID stock up, didn't you?!]. I also find it good to use Boberto/Albert's Rose Storm [fruity, as it may seem] since it reduces enemy attacks by half. Joel also creates a bubble that blocks all physical and magical attacks and he keeps it for a long ass time)
All: CHICKEN!!!
Joel: You're just jealous because I have a bubble and you don't.
(After a long battle, we beat Emperor Joel)
*after the battle*
Joel: You have become...strong *blood drips onto carpet* But I still can beat your ass in boxing
Boberto: True, true.
Joel: Jimbo....is heading west to...Tiberoa....go and stop him *dies, while standing up -- very regal*
Ania: That was actually *sniff* kinda nice....
Wesley: Well, guys we ended the civil war...so I guess that's the end of journey
Boberto: That means we can go home! *Raises up his hand, like he's expecting something*
*Cricket chripping, again*
Me: *squashes cricket*
Cricket: *dies*
Me: What? He was getting on my nerves
Timoty: Why isn't anything happening?
Me: Because the journey ISN'T over....we still hafta pursue [a word you will be seeing a lot more of] Jimbo
Wesley: But why?
Me: Because he has the Moon Gem, and he possibly has a plan to take over/destroy the world! Plus, he killed Melvin don't you want revenge?!
Wesley: Yes
Me: Then we hafta pursue Jimbo!
All: Oh.
Melvin: *from the grave* You better damn well want revenge
[Melvin, go away]
Melvin: Sorry *leaves*
Timoty: Well, you all have fun on your quest for Jimbo. Meanwhile, I'll be going now.
(NOT SO FAST THERE BUDDY!)
Timoty: What? *Joel's Dragoon Spirit leaves Joel and stops in front of Timoty*
Me: I guess you hafta come with us now
Timoty: Um....okay....but why do I get the fruity Dragoon Spirit?!?
Haschel: Hey!!
[Haschel, go away]
Haschel: Sorry *leaves*
*Inspirational self-discovery music plays*
Wesley: We are off to Tiberoa! To find Jimbo, seek vengence, and possibly save the world!!!
[Well don't y'all feel special -- and you're not supposed to know that yet!]
Wesley: Well, I do. Deal with it.
[ X-p (that's me sticking my tongue out at Wesley) ]
~ ~ ~
Please insert Disk Two.....please wait....
Second Author's Note: Sorry if the battle with Joel seemed lame, and sorry if the Sandoran ghetto offended anyone White Chocolate: But you kno we be ghetto fabolous here in So Cali
[Corey, go away]
White Chocolate: Sorry.
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...just Boberto, Timoty, and Leroy ;-) and credit goes to Baby Blue for creating White Chocolate and the phrase "flesh- tearing-machete-eating PANCAKE OF DOOM"
Chapter 11: Final Confrontation
(Enter Kazas, seemingly in perpetual night and swarming with soliders enforcing marshal law. We encounter some very *cough* interesting characters from the moment we arrive, like this guy)
Trader: *walks in suspiciously, wearing a long trenchcoat* Psst! You -- yeah, you! Wanna see something special?
Wesley: Don't you DARE open that coat...
Trader: *opens coat*
All: GAAH!! *Shields eyes*
Trader: Relax! I just wanna show you a Dragon's feather
Me: But --
Trader: Yup! It's an authentic Dragon's feather, straight from Ferybrand! No! Don't touch it, it's very posionous!
Me: But --
Trader: You wanna know how I got this very rare Dragon's feather?
All: No
Trader: I killed Ferybrand!
All: *blink blink*
Me: But --
Trader: I'll sell it to ya for a mere 1000 G!
Wesley: Why the hell would we wanna buy a poisonous feather?
Me: But --
Trader: Because....it can cure illness!
Me: BUT DRAGONS DON'T HAVE FEATHERS!!!
Trader: *raised eyebrow* How do you know that?
Me: I, uh, um...
Soldier: *enter* Who here is the one who claims he slayed Ferybrand?!
(The soldier stares down Wesley, while the trader trys to be slick and sneak out)
Soldier: It must be YOU!
Trader: ?!
Soldier: You are under arrest! *Grabs Trader*
Trader: Wait, wait, I -- I was just kidding! I really didn't I..I...HELP!!
*Exit Soldier and Trader, kicking and screaming*
Owner of Item Shop: Don't worry bout it guys....that same trader came in here last week trying to sell me a toenail clipping from the Giganto Leroy, claiming that it could cure illness
All: Eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....
(Um....yeah.....we see some draft dodgers and we also ran through aisles connecting two "sound-proof" rooms)
Person: Join the New Serdio Party!
Wesley: If these rooms are so sound-proof, then how come I can here them?
Person: The New Serdio Party is all about bringing peace and blah blah blah blah....
(Well, nobody cares about the New Serdio Party. We finally reach the entrance of the Black Castle)
Wesley: Wow. That's really black.
Me: *eye twitch*
Ania: Tina, don't --
Me: *sigh* ....You know what, I'm just -- not going to say anything. You're making it too easy.
Wesley: What?
Timoty: Nevermind! Let's just find another way in *points to the heavily guarded entrance* becuz I don't think they're gunna let us just stroll in.
Me: Didn't I say that in the last chapter?
Ania: Nobody cares. Let's just go.
(We walk past the Black Castle and try to find a back way in, but the earth begins to shake)
Wesley: An earthquake?!
Boberto: Wait a minute....earthquakes don't shake to a constant beat, do they?
Ania: You guys hear that in the distance...sounds like.....Dr Dre?!
Me: *rubs temples* Oh, I forgot to tell y'all....to get in we gotta go thru the Sandoran ghetto....
All: You've got to be kidding me
[Oh, excuse me the "slums" of Kazas....but that's the same as a ghetto, pretty much]
Playa: Yo, what up my DAWG
Dawg: What up playa! You still bangin' that chickenhead?
Playa: Oh fo sho! All the bitchez and hos come back fo mo of my magic stick...*notices me and Ania* oooh, baby....
Dawg: Damn, you better tap that ass!
Playa: *slips his arm around my shoulder*
Me: Ania! Run, save yourself!
Playa: Girl, you must be a parking ticket cuz you got FINE written all over you *licks lips*
Dawg: Holla!
Timoty: Ok, horndog, time to stop the romancing *pulls me away*
(So we quickly duck into one of the buildings and wander the ghettos to the loud, angry lyrics of Dr Dre and Eminem. We then find a small boy with baggy clothes and bling-bling hanging off his little arms and neck)
???: What up, crackers?
Boberto: Corey, you little bitch what the hell you doing here?!
White Chocolate: Yo, cracker my name ain't "Corey" it's White Chocolate dawg
Wesley: What? Who?
Boberto: It's just my brother. Don't mind him.
Wesley: Then wouldn't he be....
Me: They're brothers IN REAL LIFE dumbass
Wesley: Well exCUSE me.....
Timoty: Stop being stupid, Corey
White Chocolate: *pulls out a gun, and holds it sideways [gansta style]* Don't make me bust a cap in yo ass
Timoty: Hey!! *Takes the gun away* That's my airsoft gun!
White Chocolate: Dammit...
Me: Well *cough* White Chocolate....what exactly are you doing in the LoD Compton?
White Chocolate: I'm here to help you crackers --
Ania: Stop calling us crackers!!
White Chocolate: Don't get yo panties in a twist....newayz, I'm here to help you -- people -- into the Black Castle
Wesley: There aren't going to be black people in the Black Castle, are there?
Me: Why, you scared they gunna beat you up?
Wesley: Nevermind...
Ania: Why do you want to help us out?
White Chocolate: Bitch, cuz that's my entire purpose in this game....now follow me *pimp walks up some stairs*
All: .....
~ ~ ~
(Corey *cough* excuse me, White Chocolate, leads us to a hole in the ground with a rope descending down into the hole)
White Chocolate: Go down there and you'll end up in the Black Castle
Boberto: {Mental note: When I get out of here, I gotta beat Swaim's ass for kidnapping me and beat Corey's ass for being...himself....}
White Chocolate: Aite, peace y'all *Sammy Sosa signature 'peace' sign* I best be going to finish my "business" *snaps fingers, and two girls appear on each arm, then exits*
Me: I told ya he's the pimp of the universe
Boberto: Yeess, Lady Pimptress
Ania: *rolls eyes* Well, we'd better prepared before we go down into the Castle and all....
Me: There you go again...we don't need that "be prepared" Boy Scout shit. Where's the fun in that? I'm going NOW *slides down the rope*
All: *shrugs shoulders and follows me down into the hole*
Ania: It's just not fair....*follows everyone else*
~ ~ ~
(After crawling through underground tunnels and climbing other various ropes and ladders, we finally enter -- DA DA DA DUM!! The Black Castle!! And, of course, the first people to greet us are the guards)
All: Hi guys!!
Guard: *blink blink*
[This is the part where you blow your whistle and say "Bastard," like in Hellena]
Guard: Oh yeah...*whistle blows* Bastard!
[Thaaat's more like it]
(Like in Hellena, you only fight if you run into guards and their "hell hounds." Unlike in Hellena, you don't have anywhere else to run so you kinda hafta fight them. Then you find some elevators, but they won't work)
All: Dammit!
(Relax!! Just go through that door on your left -- no, the other left, called your right!)
Wesley: So does that mean you want us to go right or left?
(Left)
Wesley: Left?
(Right)
Wesley: Right?
(Right)
Boberto: So..very..confused...
Me: Well, you shouldn't be seeing as how THERE IS ONLY ONE DOOR!!
Boberto: I thought you only yelled at Wesley.
Me: I do not discriminate -- everyone is an equal target for my sarcasm and yelling.
(So after some unneeded arguing with each other and the author, we finally went through the door and found a purple pillar of light in the middle of the room)
All: Oooooooooh....pretty colors.....
Green Researcher: Have you come to admire my green flame?
White [no, that does not indicate the color of his skin] Researcher: Or perhaps you're here to admire my white flame, seeing as how your green flame SUCKS
Timoty: Actually, we're trying to find Emperor Joel --
Green Researcher: My flame sucks?!
White Researcher: You're damn right it does! Yours doesn't do anything!!
Green Researcher: At least mine isn't a pussy flame!
White Researcher: You wanna take this outside, bitch?!
Green Researcher: Bring it on!
(Both the researchers step outside, and we hear some punches thrown and lots of screaming.)
Me: I think they're gunna be there awhile.
Wesley: Well maybe we can figure this out for ourselves...
Me: More like we'll figure it out, and you'll stand there and look pretty.
(Before Wesley could object, Boberto went to the green flame, Timoty went to the white flame, and I examined the purple flame in the middle of the room. Wesley and Ania just stood there and -- well, looked pretty)
Boberto: The White Researcher was right, the green flame doesn't do shit! *Pokes at the flame continuously*
(Timoty has slightly better luck with his flame -- he pokes the flame and the whole room filled with a bright, white light.)
All: I'm blind!!!!
(Yet, actually, they are healed....::wow::)
Ania: Tina, what about this purple flame?
Me: *pokes it continously* Well, it doesn't respond to me poking it *ponders, then notices a shelf full of jars* I wonder what these do....*reads the label* Purple Oil used to power the Castle's elevators....
Wesley: *snatching away the jar* I guess that's what we need. Let's go.
(The Researchers, bloody and bruised, enter as we exit)
White Researcher: So, who did you come to see?
Me: Nobody. We got what we came for. *All exits*
~ ~ ~
Baby Blue: Are you EVER going to fight Emperor Joel in this chapter?!
Me: YES! Geez, so impacient....
[Okay, that was lame...]
~ ~ ~
(So, with our newly acquired Purple Oil, we freely use the elevators to get wherever the hell we want. And the first place we go? A garbage disposal)
All: WHY?!?!?!
Wesley: Look! A chest!
Me: There's probably something lame in it anyways....wait, Wesley what the hell you doing?!
Timoty: The dumbass is walking across the platform to get to the chest.
(Just for fun, we'll have the platform fall out from below Wesley, so that he falls down into the trash)
All: O_o
Wesley: *climbing up the ladder back to us* Tina...you SO owe me once we get outta here....
Me: *picks banana peel out of his spiky hair*
Wesley: That doesn't count!! You still owe me!!
(So, second attempt and Wesley is successful and reaches the chest)
Wesley: *opens the chest* Look!! It's a...red stone....better than nothing I guess.
(And he returns without a hitch, and we go right back to the elevators. This time, we go to the floor directly below the Researchers' lab [or something like that] and we find another chest. But now we got something -- er, someONE else blocking our way)
Mr Magi: Who are you?!
Ania: Shouldn't we be asking you the same thing?
Mr Magi: I'M not the one intruding on someone else's research!
Me: Wait, you're a researcher? Then why aren't you up there with the other guys beating the crap outta each other?
Mr Magi: Because I mastered a type of magic those two FOOLS could never comprehend! The power of Transfiguration!
All: Riiiiight.....
Mr Magi: How DARE you all mock me! Well, I'll show you! I summon the flesh-tearing-machete-eating-PANCAKE OF DOOM!!!!!
(All those words and yet....nothing happens.....)
All: *blink blink*
Mr Magi: Well...um...I was just kidding! But now, I will summon the all- powerful-blood-sucking MOTH OF DEATH!!!!
*Cricket chirping*
Timoty: This is sad....
Boberto: Worse than Wesley...
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, now I, um...screw it
(The angry Mr Magi charges at the five of us and runs into....my sword)
Mr Magi: *dies*
All cept me: OMG YOU KILLED MAGI!!
Me: Sorry! Defense mechanism...
Baby Blue: HOLD IT!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!
[Fine...]
(REWIND!!)
Wesley: I'm going to ignore that and take it as a compliment
Mr Magi: *growls* Well, I, uh...CERBERUS!!! EMERGE!!!
Wesley: He sounds serious this time....
Mr Magi: *turns into a dog*
Me and Ania: PUPPY!!
Mr Magi: Woof woof
Guys: *Anime sweatdrop*
Wesley: Ok, enough of that....*retrieves Blue Stone from the chest* Let's get outta here.
~ ~ ~
(Almost there! Well...not really....we again use the elevators to get to a floor where the guards are training)
[Nice going]
All cept Wesley: Blame Wesley! It's all his fault!
Wesley: Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful
Me: Okay, you're not THAT cute
(Anyways.....you fight the guards and they again insist on fighting you one at a time)
All: *snore*
(And FINALLY you use the ladder to get to the...Great Commander?!)
Great Commander: Oh, so it's you.
Ania: IT'S YOU!
Great Commander: Yeah, it's me....you're point?
Ania: You kidnapped me and tried to rape me!!!
Great Commander: First of all, NO ONE TOUCHED YOU...you just like to think that we did....second of all, I'm not like that anymore
Wesley: What, you're gay now?
Great Commander: NO! No, I mean I'm not evil anymore. I realized that Emperor Joel has become sick with power and he's killing innocent people to obtain what he wants [this will be a reoccuring theme throughout the game]....He didn't used to be like this. Here, take this*gives Wesley the Yellow Stone*
Wesley: What's this?
Great Commander: It's the key to Emperor Joel's chamber, when combined with the Blue and Red Stones
Wesley: SEE! I knew they would be useful!
Great Commander: Riiiiight....just go save Emperor Joel
Wesley: I thought we were here to kill him
Great Commander: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH! Now, leave before I turn evil again....
(Okay, okay NOW we're almost to Emperor Joel!)
~ ~ ~
(Or maybe not....we go up to the fourth floor and we enter a chamber, but it doesn't look like Emperor Joel's chamber. We find a really big statue of a goddess, and we discover a platform with three holes in it)
All: ::wow::
Father Faza: Hey! Whadda bout me?!
[Nobody cares]
Father Faza: Bitch...
[Why must all you characters all insist on calling me a bitch?!?]
Wesley: Then stop writing it that way
[Don't make me smite you]
(So, yeah....we put the three stones in the three holes [what geniuses] and discover that there is an elevator within the statue of the goddess!)
All: ::wow::
(Alright, this is it! Just one more elevator ride up to Emperor Joel....)
Leroy: ARGH!!
(Okay, maybe I lied....)
Wesley: Leroy, would you mind not blocking the door, we're trying to stop a war here.
Leroy: Gigantos no lose twice!! Fight me!!
Me: Alright, but you asked for it...
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Well, doesn't this look familiar? But this time Leroy's got special armor [ooooo....aaaahhh...]. After we exchange attacks a couple of times Leroy....)
Leroy: Leroy need no weapon! *Drops axe* Leroy beat you with bare hands!
All: Riiiight....
(And yet, he can. One of his attacks is especially potent: a wall appears behind whoever he is attacking [me] and Leroy nails you to the wall by the neck. He then punches you against the wall and then the wall comes tumbling down on top of you)
Leroy: Crash!
Me: *dies*
Wesley and Boberto (who are fighting with me in the battle): !?!?
[Stupid, heal me!!]
Boberto: Oh, yeah *uses Angel's Prayer*
(And, again, if you mess up on an addition then Leroy hurts you the same way he did in Hoax. Finally, after a little more effort than the first time, we beat Leroy)
Leroy: *falls on his hands and knees, shaking* Leroy beaten twice....even with special armor....me failed....kill me, please
All: ......
Wesley: We'd rather just leave you here.
Boberto: Yeah, we gotta war to end *see ya*
[I'm not doing the whole "Shana I hope you're sweetness won't kill you" bit, because frankly, Ania is more likely to try and kill Leroy than I am]
(FINALLY! WE GET TO FIGHT EMPEROR JOEL! I promise)
Joel: So nice of you to come all the way out here just to die *lowers his throne*
Me: It's more like you're the one who's gunna die...
Wesley: But first, we want some answers! Why did you have Ania taken away?!
Joel: Oh, that was all Jimbo's plan, I dunno what the hell he's up to....and, don't you owe me money?
Wesley: Um..no I don't think so --
Joel: Yes you do! Everybody owes me money, now gimme yours!
Wesley: Fine...*pulls out some ones from his pocket*
Me: Dumbass! He's trying to mess with your head!
Wesley: Oh.
Joel: hehehe
Boberto: Why did you kill my father?!
Joel: I didn't kill your father. He's still on the run from the IRS and trying to avoid child support
Boberto: No, not my REAL dad...my video game dad...
Joel: Oh...wait, lemme review the script *reviews the script*
All: There's a script?!
Joel: Oh, yes now I remember...*ahem* I was saving the country from an incompetent leader named Carlo.
Boberto: Oh, okay. But we're still going to fight you.
Joel: Fair enough
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Joel gets two swords [NOT FAIR!] and he'll either just slash you with them, pick you up and throw you to the ground with them, or he'll use a Thunder element item. We got him down to red pretty fast)
Wesley: Well, that was easy enough
Joel: Oh, so you wanna play it like that, huh? Well, I'm show you my TRUE power! *Transforms into the Violet Dragoon, and health goes back to blue*
Me: Spoke too soon there, buddy.
(Now THIS is the fun part. Joel's magical and physical attacks cause a helluva lot more damage now that he's a Dragoon, so it's a good thing we stocked up on Healing Potions and Angel's Prayers [you DID stock up, didn't you?!]. I also find it good to use Boberto/Albert's Rose Storm [fruity, as it may seem] since it reduces enemy attacks by half. Joel also creates a bubble that blocks all physical and magical attacks and he keeps it for a long ass time)
All: CHICKEN!!!
Joel: You're just jealous because I have a bubble and you don't.
(After a long battle, we beat Emperor Joel)
*after the battle*
Joel: You have become...strong *blood drips onto carpet* But I still can beat your ass in boxing
Boberto: True, true.
Joel: Jimbo....is heading west to...Tiberoa....go and stop him *dies, while standing up -- very regal*
Ania: That was actually *sniff* kinda nice....
Wesley: Well, guys we ended the civil war...so I guess that's the end of journey
Boberto: That means we can go home! *Raises up his hand, like he's expecting something*
*Cricket chripping, again*
Me: *squashes cricket*
Cricket: *dies*
Me: What? He was getting on my nerves
Timoty: Why isn't anything happening?
Me: Because the journey ISN'T over....we still hafta pursue [a word you will be seeing a lot more of] Jimbo
Wesley: But why?
Me: Because he has the Moon Gem, and he possibly has a plan to take over/destroy the world! Plus, he killed Melvin don't you want revenge?!
Wesley: Yes
Me: Then we hafta pursue Jimbo!
All: Oh.
Melvin: *from the grave* You better damn well want revenge
[Melvin, go away]
Melvin: Sorry *leaves*
Timoty: Well, you all have fun on your quest for Jimbo. Meanwhile, I'll be going now.
(NOT SO FAST THERE BUDDY!)
Timoty: What? *Joel's Dragoon Spirit leaves Joel and stops in front of Timoty*
Me: I guess you hafta come with us now
Timoty: Um....okay....but why do I get the fruity Dragoon Spirit?!?
Haschel: Hey!!
[Haschel, go away]
Haschel: Sorry *leaves*
*Inspirational self-discovery music plays*
Wesley: We are off to Tiberoa! To find Jimbo, seek vengence, and possibly save the world!!!
[Well don't y'all feel special -- and you're not supposed to know that yet!]
Wesley: Well, I do. Deal with it.
[ X-p (that's me sticking my tongue out at Wesley) ]
~ ~ ~
Please insert Disk Two.....please wait....
Second Author's Note: Sorry if the battle with Joel seemed lame, and sorry if the Sandoran ghetto offended anyone White Chocolate: But you kno we be ghetto fabolous here in So Cali
[Corey, go away]
White Chocolate: Sorry.