Author's Note: Hell yeah, I have 69 reviews
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...bee-yotch
Chapter 27: Somebody Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave Meeeeeeeeee!
(We now land in the ruins of Kadessa. And we can't leave until we retrieve that....uh...what is it, again?)
Me: Dragon Block Staff.......
(Yeah, that's it. Thanks)
Me: *rolls eyes* Anytime.
(So we can't leave until we get the Dragon Block Staff)
All: Crap.
(Then go get that damn Block Staff!)
All: Fine! We will!
(But first we must pass through a large space.)
Wesley: Wow. A large space.
Leroy: Me smell blood.
[How is it that every character in this game can smell blood? I just want to know]
Boberto: Hmmm....large space......blood.....maybe, a coliseum?
(Panoramic view of the "coliseum")
Readers: Ooooooooooh...aaaaaaaaaaaaah....
Nikole: Yes, it's a coliseum. Ancient Winglies used to have gladiator matches to the death in this coliseum, using Humans and Gigantos and other species that they enslaved. I...am a descendant of those Winglies....*looks very guilty*
Me: Ya know, Winglies are like the white people of Endiness.
Leroy: Damn white people
[I'm white, so I can write that. And Leroy is WHITE so he can say that]
Leroy: Me black
[NO!]
Wesley: That was really random
Me: Your point? This entire place is really random. This entire story is really random. LIFE is really random --
Wesley: I get it.
Me: Do you, really?
Wesley: Yes.
Me: Then let's move on.
(So from the coliseum you go to another empty space with more green teleporting devices, and then you come to a point where you can go straight to the Block Staff [after you defeat about five roulette monsters first] or you can go the long way. Let's take the long way, shall we?)
Wesley: How about, no.
[How about, yes, and I let you have children one day]
Wesley: How are you gunna not let me have...*pauses* ya know, the long way sounds like a good way.
[That's what I thought]
Timoty: Pansy.
Wesley: Hey, I'm trying to SAVE my balls, thank you very much.
Lorena: Hard to do when you don't got any
All: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!
Lorena: *as an afterthought* F*ckers
Me: That's my girl!
Wesley: Can we just get on with it before I lose all my dignity in this place?
(But something's blocking our way)
Me: Oh my god!
Wesley: What is this humongous brown mass with a lobster-like claw and hole through the middle of its body?
(That was the second time you've done that for me, very nice! You're catching on!)
Me: That's a Super Virage!
*The theme to "Smallville" can be heard playing in the background*
All: What the hell?
Me: No, stop, that's all wrong!
* "Smallville" theme abruptly stops*
Nikole: Yeah, I know! I don't even LIKE that show
All: *gasp* How dare you!
Me: I mean, when I said "Super Virage" I didn't mean "Super-Hero Virage"
* "Smallville" theme resumes where it left off*
Me: STOP THAT!
* "Smallville" theme stops again*
Me: A *whispers, so as not to bring back the "Smallville" theme* Super Virage *returns to normal volume* is merely a Virage that is bigger and more powerful than a regular one. And judging by that hole in the middle of its body, I'd say its the same *whispers* Super Virage *normal volume* that killed Kimberly and Jose.
Lorena: wtf is a "Virage" or some shit like that?
Me: It's....a long story.
Lorena: Well, it looks dead enough to me, let's just go over it
Wesley: Uh...I dunno....the last two times we've encountered a Virage and we thought it was dead, it actually wasn't.
Timoty: Maybe with Ania gone, it won't wake up.
*Earthquake*
Me: Or not
(And, arising from the ashes, the Virage rips off its shirt to reveal a big "S" in the middle of his chest, right above the hole in his body!!)
All: Riiiiight
Me: Okay, maybe it IS a "Super-Hero" Virage, I could be mistaken
* "Smallville" theme returns*
Me: SHUT UP!!
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Just because it's a Super Virage, doesn't make it any less menacing than a regular Virage. Just attack the head, and you're good. It is a good time to use up your spirit points, ya know, those things that measures how many turns you can last as a Dragoon...trust me on that. Oh, and one more thing: when you kill the Super Virage, it does one of those if-I-die-I'm- taking-you-to-hell-with-me kinda attacks, like the guards when you fight Swaim. Except the Super Virage's final attack can be really damaging, so make sure your people are in full health before you kill it)
*After the battle*
Lorena: Well, that was......
Boberto: F*cked up?
Lorena: Well, I was gunna say "interesting," but f*cked up works too.
Me: I used to think that Ania was somehow the reason that Virages were waking up in our presence, but I guess its a strong vendetta against us Dragoons that wakes them up.
Timoty: That's nice.....what would you like me to do with this information?
Me: Process it...
Leroy: And shove it up your ass!
All: ..........
Leroy: *ahem* I mean, argh?
Me: Whatever. We still gotta find the Dragon Block Staff.
(We shortly found the room with the Dragon Block Staff in it. We find it stuck in the ceiling)
Leroy: *jumps up and down in efforts to get it* Me can't reach it.
Nikole: No shit. Here, I'll do it *flys up to grab the Dragon Block Staff* It's stuck
Wesley: Well, pull harder!
Nikole: *still tugging at the Block Staff* I'm pulling as hard as I can!
Wesley: It can't be that difficult
*Earth rumbles*
Nikole: *falls to the ground*
Me: Dammit, Wesley! This is all your fault!
Wesley: Why?!
Me: You're the scapegoat! It just is!
Boberto: What is that?!
Me: It's the thing.....
Boberto: The thing?
Me: Yeah! Ya know, the thing with the stuff....
Lorena: You mean the thing with the stuff in the place?
Me: Exactly! See, she knows!
All others: *blank stare*
(What we are actually witnessing is the Grand Jewel.)
All: What is that?
(Hell if I know)
Timoty: How did we end up with such an incompetent narrator?!
(You guys are just lucky)
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
Wesley: What the hell?! It wants to fight us?!
Leroy: Obviously
(You are about to fight the SECOND MOST RANDOM BOSS EVER! [The first one comes later] Since the Dragon Block Staff is in effect, Dragoon attacks and defense are weakened BUT there is a loophole! If you become a Dragoon for only one turn and then detransform, you can attack without getting killed. If you stay a Dragoon for more than one turn, the Grand Jewel basically kills you. Anyway, the Grand Jewel has these funky effects where you drop or raise five levels???? I don't know either, I didn't make the game. And why name it a "Grand Jewel"??? It doesn't look like a jewel at all!! Whatever. Eventually, we beat the thing with the stuff at the place and got a Spectral Flash and Gravity Grabber [hell yeah] among other things)
*Acquired Dragon Block Staff*
Wesley: I can't believe that Swaim forgot to tell us about a guardian
Boberto: He didn't forget!
Timoty: He deliberately withheld information!
Lorena: F*cking bastard! Let's beat him down!
Boberto and Timoty: Yeah! *The three of them run ahead*
Me: Band freaks.
(But wait, there's more!)
*Earth rumbles...again*
Wesley: Holy crap, we're not gunna fight something again, are we?
Me: I don't think so....that sounds like....the Divine Dragon?
*Divine Dragon flies overhead*
Lorena: Holy shit! It's going for Dennigrad! Mother f*cker, it's too early! *Runs ahead*
Divine Dragon: Ooooh girl you'd better recogniiiize! *Finger snaps*
Timoty: I'm not too worried after that
[What has happened to the Divine Dragon?! Why is the King of Dragons snapping his fingers like a Queer Eye?! Why is that show so addicting?!]
Wesley: Why are you asking so many questions and steering us away from the topic?!
[Why are you asking?!]
Wesley: You can't answer a question with another question!
[Why can't I?!]
Lorena: Focus! We gotta save Dennigrad!
(Right. Stay turned for our next installment to see if we do indeed save Dennigrad)
Lorena: F*cking cliff hangers
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD...bee-yotch
Chapter 27: Somebody Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave Meeeeeeeeee!
(We now land in the ruins of Kadessa. And we can't leave until we retrieve that....uh...what is it, again?)
Me: Dragon Block Staff.......
(Yeah, that's it. Thanks)
Me: *rolls eyes* Anytime.
(So we can't leave until we get the Dragon Block Staff)
All: Crap.
(Then go get that damn Block Staff!)
All: Fine! We will!
(But first we must pass through a large space.)
Wesley: Wow. A large space.
Leroy: Me smell blood.
[How is it that every character in this game can smell blood? I just want to know]
Boberto: Hmmm....large space......blood.....maybe, a coliseum?
(Panoramic view of the "coliseum")
Readers: Ooooooooooh...aaaaaaaaaaaaah....
Nikole: Yes, it's a coliseum. Ancient Winglies used to have gladiator matches to the death in this coliseum, using Humans and Gigantos and other species that they enslaved. I...am a descendant of those Winglies....*looks very guilty*
Me: Ya know, Winglies are like the white people of Endiness.
Leroy: Damn white people
[I'm white, so I can write that. And Leroy is WHITE so he can say that]
Leroy: Me black
[NO!]
Wesley: That was really random
Me: Your point? This entire place is really random. This entire story is really random. LIFE is really random --
Wesley: I get it.
Me: Do you, really?
Wesley: Yes.
Me: Then let's move on.
(So from the coliseum you go to another empty space with more green teleporting devices, and then you come to a point where you can go straight to the Block Staff [after you defeat about five roulette monsters first] or you can go the long way. Let's take the long way, shall we?)
Wesley: How about, no.
[How about, yes, and I let you have children one day]
Wesley: How are you gunna not let me have...*pauses* ya know, the long way sounds like a good way.
[That's what I thought]
Timoty: Pansy.
Wesley: Hey, I'm trying to SAVE my balls, thank you very much.
Lorena: Hard to do when you don't got any
All: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!
Lorena: *as an afterthought* F*ckers
Me: That's my girl!
Wesley: Can we just get on with it before I lose all my dignity in this place?
(But something's blocking our way)
Me: Oh my god!
Wesley: What is this humongous brown mass with a lobster-like claw and hole through the middle of its body?
(That was the second time you've done that for me, very nice! You're catching on!)
Me: That's a Super Virage!
*The theme to "Smallville" can be heard playing in the background*
All: What the hell?
Me: No, stop, that's all wrong!
* "Smallville" theme abruptly stops*
Nikole: Yeah, I know! I don't even LIKE that show
All: *gasp* How dare you!
Me: I mean, when I said "Super Virage" I didn't mean "Super-Hero Virage"
* "Smallville" theme resumes where it left off*
Me: STOP THAT!
* "Smallville" theme stops again*
Me: A *whispers, so as not to bring back the "Smallville" theme* Super Virage *returns to normal volume* is merely a Virage that is bigger and more powerful than a regular one. And judging by that hole in the middle of its body, I'd say its the same *whispers* Super Virage *normal volume* that killed Kimberly and Jose.
Lorena: wtf is a "Virage" or some shit like that?
Me: It's....a long story.
Lorena: Well, it looks dead enough to me, let's just go over it
Wesley: Uh...I dunno....the last two times we've encountered a Virage and we thought it was dead, it actually wasn't.
Timoty: Maybe with Ania gone, it won't wake up.
*Earthquake*
Me: Or not
(And, arising from the ashes, the Virage rips off its shirt to reveal a big "S" in the middle of his chest, right above the hole in his body!!)
All: Riiiiight
Me: Okay, maybe it IS a "Super-Hero" Virage, I could be mistaken
* "Smallville" theme returns*
Me: SHUT UP!!
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
(Just because it's a Super Virage, doesn't make it any less menacing than a regular Virage. Just attack the head, and you're good. It is a good time to use up your spirit points, ya know, those things that measures how many turns you can last as a Dragoon...trust me on that. Oh, and one more thing: when you kill the Super Virage, it does one of those if-I-die-I'm- taking-you-to-hell-with-me kinda attacks, like the guards when you fight Swaim. Except the Super Virage's final attack can be really damaging, so make sure your people are in full health before you kill it)
*After the battle*
Lorena: Well, that was......
Boberto: F*cked up?
Lorena: Well, I was gunna say "interesting," but f*cked up works too.
Me: I used to think that Ania was somehow the reason that Virages were waking up in our presence, but I guess its a strong vendetta against us Dragoons that wakes them up.
Timoty: That's nice.....what would you like me to do with this information?
Me: Process it...
Leroy: And shove it up your ass!
All: ..........
Leroy: *ahem* I mean, argh?
Me: Whatever. We still gotta find the Dragon Block Staff.
(We shortly found the room with the Dragon Block Staff in it. We find it stuck in the ceiling)
Leroy: *jumps up and down in efforts to get it* Me can't reach it.
Nikole: No shit. Here, I'll do it *flys up to grab the Dragon Block Staff* It's stuck
Wesley: Well, pull harder!
Nikole: *still tugging at the Block Staff* I'm pulling as hard as I can!
Wesley: It can't be that difficult
*Earth rumbles*
Nikole: *falls to the ground*
Me: Dammit, Wesley! This is all your fault!
Wesley: Why?!
Me: You're the scapegoat! It just is!
Boberto: What is that?!
Me: It's the thing.....
Boberto: The thing?
Me: Yeah! Ya know, the thing with the stuff....
Lorena: You mean the thing with the stuff in the place?
Me: Exactly! See, she knows!
All others: *blank stare*
(What we are actually witnessing is the Grand Jewel.)
All: What is that?
(Hell if I know)
Timoty: How did we end up with such an incompetent narrator?!
(You guys are just lucky)
*Screen dissolves, battle begins*
Wesley: What the hell?! It wants to fight us?!
Leroy: Obviously
(You are about to fight the SECOND MOST RANDOM BOSS EVER! [The first one comes later] Since the Dragon Block Staff is in effect, Dragoon attacks and defense are weakened BUT there is a loophole! If you become a Dragoon for only one turn and then detransform, you can attack without getting killed. If you stay a Dragoon for more than one turn, the Grand Jewel basically kills you. Anyway, the Grand Jewel has these funky effects where you drop or raise five levels???? I don't know either, I didn't make the game. And why name it a "Grand Jewel"??? It doesn't look like a jewel at all!! Whatever. Eventually, we beat the thing with the stuff at the place and got a Spectral Flash and Gravity Grabber [hell yeah] among other things)
*Acquired Dragon Block Staff*
Wesley: I can't believe that Swaim forgot to tell us about a guardian
Boberto: He didn't forget!
Timoty: He deliberately withheld information!
Lorena: F*cking bastard! Let's beat him down!
Boberto and Timoty: Yeah! *The three of them run ahead*
Me: Band freaks.
(But wait, there's more!)
*Earth rumbles...again*
Wesley: Holy crap, we're not gunna fight something again, are we?
Me: I don't think so....that sounds like....the Divine Dragon?
*Divine Dragon flies overhead*
Lorena: Holy shit! It's going for Dennigrad! Mother f*cker, it's too early! *Runs ahead*
Divine Dragon: Ooooh girl you'd better recogniiiize! *Finger snaps*
Timoty: I'm not too worried after that
[What has happened to the Divine Dragon?! Why is the King of Dragons snapping his fingers like a Queer Eye?! Why is that show so addicting?!]
Wesley: Why are you asking so many questions and steering us away from the topic?!
[Why are you asking?!]
Wesley: You can't answer a question with another question!
[Why can't I?!]
Lorena: Focus! We gotta save Dennigrad!
(Right. Stay turned for our next installment to see if we do indeed save Dennigrad)
Lorena: F*cking cliff hangers