Chapter 7- Love Rather Than Hate

Haldir sat atop a high flet that early afternoon, over looking the city… his city… and for the first time content with his life. He had achieved the one thing he had always wanted through dedication and hard work. People revered him. People listened to him. But most of all people gave him a type of love to quench the emptiness he held for another.

If only she could be here now to watch him take his oath, swear his allegiance and receive the ceremonial possessions of the office. So long had he dreamed of this, and talked with her about it to no end. She had taken care of his brothers so he could train to be a warden in the first place, sacrificing her own time to help him see to his dreams. It was as much her triumph as it was his, and still he could not find the ability to send her word of this momentous occasion. So long ago she had done so much for him, even before the loss of their parents. She had been a supportive friend and told him he should always strive for excellence and the principles he believe in. She had whipped him into shape when he had been merely an impetuous child, even at one hundred years of age, who was short-tempered and horrible leader.

But that still did not make up for what she had done to him when she left Mirkwood. He had forgiven her for it in his mind by now, he had to so that he focus on other things in his life, but he had never expressed that forgiveness to her. She wrote letter upon letter to him talking about her life and apologize for leaving him, but saying that she needed to stay with her brother for a little while so that Cuileth would also know her brother. He was sure he hurt her greatly every time she did not receive a reply back from him with answers to the questions she had asked. But the truth was, he had answered them. The first ones had been full of anger and discontent while the later ones had turned to those of a week Elf, pouring his heart out to the friend he missed even just sitting in the same room with, much less missing her advice on issues involving him. He missed her… he missed the unconditional love and support of a friend.

And she had taken it away, seemingly without any regard to his feelings. She had left, just like his mother had decided to do. Except, he realized, he had always taken from her, and she was allowed this one thing she wanted, and still he wished to take from her and not allow her to go. It was just a huge paradox to him.

Haldir grumbled to himself and leaned back on his hands. He had to stop thinking like this, or he would be extremely downhearted for the ceremony later this eve, and that was not what he wished for the other Elves to see, or even Galadriel to read in his mind. She did not deserve that when she and Celeborn had been gracious enough to bestow upon him this title.

But he was March Warden, and that was all that mattered now… now he could start making the changes that were so desperately needed an entire age ago.

Though it still would have been nice to have Laereth here to witness this.

"There you are!"

Haldir turned quickly, to find Orophin standing on the last stair before being on the flet. "What is it?"

"The seamstress stopped by your talan to drop off your tunic for this evening, and she was flustered she could not find you," Orophin replied. "She is easily bothered when things do not go as to her plan."

"I know," Haldir said, thinking to the young seamstress who had caught his fancy more than once.

Orophin rolled his eyes, "It is not fair, you know."

"What is not fair?" he questioned, standing up and straightening his tunic and leggings.

"That before you were March Warden, you received the attention of numerous ellyth, and now that you are March Warden, you will attract the attention of even more," Orophin said.

Haldir chuckled to himself and patted his brother's back, "I will share, for I do not foresee me spending much time in the city now that I am March Warden. The ellyth will have to be kept company until I return."

Orophin shook his head and laughed lightly, "You know, as March Warden you are to be more straight-laced."

"Now look who is lecturing me on such an issue," Haldir said, stepping down onto the steps as they started their descent of the flet. "If I do recall last eve correctly, you and Rúmil were quite wanton with your ways."

"The wine was good," the younger brother replied with a smile, walking beside his brother.

"What are your plans for this afternoon?" Haldir asked. "I am hungry and wondering if you would not mind a bite to eat and then perhaps some practice with the swords… I need to release some anxious energy."

Orophin glanced at him, "Well, Rúmil decided to do something for a change and is fixing the noon meal, but after that you may not wish to go spar. Or perhaps you may wish to spar with someone else."

Haldir looked at his brother, trying to discern what he meant by that comment for a long while before shaking his head, "You two are odd sometimes."

"We learned it from you," his brother laughed as they turned and went over the bridge to go to the old family talan.

As they neared the door, Haldir could hear the giggle of ellyth from inside the room as Rúmil regaled them with some type of story about his escapades as a newly matured Elf. He glanced at Orophin, "You have arranged for company? You know, our more reserved kin would think this completely horrible with the way we give our affections to others."

"At least we have a good time doing it," Orophin replied. "But this company is a different kind than what you will expect."

Haldir chuckled, and shook his head again for the mischievousness Orophin was not showing him. He got to the door before Orophin, and turned the knob, opening it quickly as he stepped inside. Sitting on the lounge was an elleth he had never seen before, but was nonetheless easy to his eyes. She was of Silvan kin, that was for sure and had light grey eyes that twinkled now with laughter catered by Rúmil. The elleth stood up quickly, smoothing a fine gown over her body, and smiled brightly. She obviously noticed the way he was observing her, his eyes roaming about her body and lingering in places they should not have, as he blushed deeply and averted her eyes to the ground.

"Is that Orophin, Rúmil?"

Haldir's ear perked at that sound of the mellifluous voice, the hair upon the back of his neck standing on end.

"Why?" called Rúmil, glancing at Haldir worriedly.

"Because there is something in this room I am looking for, but I cannot remember where I put it for safe keeping," the elleth called.

It was not her… it could not be her. He had heard of no one coming into the city recently.

"It is I," said Orophin. "I know what it is you are looking for, and I will give it to you later."

"I had thought you lost it," came the reply as the footfalls on the ground grew louder and she rounded the corner to the room. She was busy flipping through the parchment of a leather bound book as well, not looking about her. She smiled to herself and clapped the book shut, gazing up then at Rúmil, "But I am glad you have kept this Rúmil, it is some of my best work."

It was Laereth, and he felt his mind do a double take. She was here. Somehow she had gotten word soon enough to make it here for the ceremonies… but he still did not know if he should be overjoyed that she had returned or angry at Rúmil and Orophin for setting him up… or indifferent to her for leaving. What he needed to do now, though, was feel the arms of his friend about him again.

Rúmil nodded in his direction, "Haldir would often read from it for me before I went to bed at night."

Her attention turned then to him, and he beheld her eyes for the first time. She was even more beautiful than he had remembered. It appeared to him she did not know what to do, and stood still, only able to stare at him. He had changed a great deal over the many years they had been separated as well, so he could only imagine what she was thinking. Then her eyes welled with tears, and without any thought he closed the distance between them and took her into his arms. She flung her own arms about his neck as he lifted her from the ground ever so slightly, and she sniffled, "March Warden…"

"Oh how I have missed you so, Laereth," he replied quietly, forgetting that there were others in the room watching them closely, and they were no longer the innocent eyes of before. They would read into this greeting… but he did not care. Surprisingly his mind was made up for him without any real debate… he was not angry at her. Perhaps he had never been angry. He just missed her, and the thought of losing her scared him so much so that he had been angry to fend the thoughts of her away, and that was all he had felt these many years.

"I was worried how you would react…" she said softly, "but when I got word from your brothers, there was no chance I would miss this."

Haldir sighed, placing her on her feet, but not letting go of her. He would never let her leave again. "I care not about your choice anymore, Laereth. I only have missed you."

She smiled softly, and glanced past his shoulder, "I think your brothers are quite happy that you have accepted my arrival so well… they were worried it would cost them unbearable amounts of time on the borders."

He chuckled and parted from her, to glance at his brothers, "Aye, they are lucky."

And then he noticed the other elleth again, and realization hit him full force, and he felt like a depraved ellon for thinking such things about the elleth he had nearly considered a daughter. Cuileth smiled, "Aye, it is me."

Haldir left Laereth's arms reluctantly, and walked over to Cuileth, taking her into a short hug. He pulled away and looked over her, "I bet Laereth has trouble keeping ellon away from you."

"She used to be quite vexed by it," Cuileth replied with a giggle. "But now my husband has trouble protecting me."

"Husband? You are wed?" Haldir asked.

"Aye, he once was from Lórien before the Third Age…" she nodded, lifting her hand up, brandishing the golden ring upon her finger. "We have been thinking about coming back to live with our son Failo."

Laereth interrupted, "We left in such a hurry, we had no time for an entourage or to gather much of our things, so our brother and Cuileth's husband will be coming with our things later."

"You know, if your other brothers do not approve of him, we will have to do away with him," Haldir warned.

Cuileth laughed, "I shall warn him to be on his best behavior then."

A silence passed between all of them, none really knowing what they should say in turn. Haldir glanced back at Laereth who smiled slightly, "Rúmil had prepared the meal for us… but I cannot say that I am very sure he is qualified to be working with fire."

Rúmil harrumphed and Haldir laughed, "I would agree. He has singed his hair many times."

"You can just go forage for your own food then," Rúmil replied with a laugh. With that, they sat down to eat the meal in polite conversation, Haldir still trying to get over the fact that Laereth was back, and had come back for him.

The meal was over, and the others took their leave because Haldir offered to escort her back to the talan rather than go down for a spar with Orophin like he had originally planned. They walked in a long, but companionable, silence, her arm in his as he guided her through the city. Some of the other curious Elves looked at them strangely as they passed, or peeked their head out their balcony doors to see the newcomer and why the new March Warden was on escorting and elleth like this… because he never escorted an elleth like this. His time with females was usually limited to brief passion plays within his talan, as he never held a serious relationship with any of them.

Finally, she broke the silence with a sigh, "So you are really fine with this visit?"

"Aye, I am," he said, stopping and gazing down at her. "I have fretted over what I would do if we were to ever see each other again for such a long time, that I did not know how I truly felt anymore about the way we left things. Elbereth, I was debating it just before Orophin came to fetch me. There are still things I do not understand, but the moment I saw you, my heart chose the correct path for me, and that was to be glad that my closest friend has returned."

Laereth nodded her head, "Haldir, we do have much to speak of, but I would ask now why you would never return my letters if you felt this way."

Haldir sighed, "I shall explain that to you later, mellon. It will take some time, and drudge up things I do not wish to do now at this moment in such a joyous mood."

The elleth gave her trademarked half smile, "Then you should plan on me asking you later."

"I would expect it," he said, taking her arm and continuing their walk. "So Cuileth is married and has a child?"

Laereth nodded her head, "She is also with child now, though it is so early into her pregnancy, you cannot tell that."

"And what of her husband?" he questioned. "Does he patrol the borders of Mirkwood? I only ask because if they were to come here, I would put him in with the rotation."

"He is an honorable Elf, and serves as Mirkwood's chief jewel smith, though he has served time in the guard of Mirkwood. They met because Cuileth is a seamstress and needed a setting for a jewel to be placed in the King's robe." she replied and let out a wistful sigh. "I could not be happier for my sister, she has found an ellon who would go to the pits of Melkor's lair for her, and was gifted with one of the best behaved little Elflings you could hope for."

They walked for a little longer in quiet, until the question eating away at his insides finally surfaced, "And what of you, Laereth? Are you betrothed or married, perhaps to the prince of Mirkwood?"

"Nay," she said nearly inaudibly, turned her eyes away so he could not see them well as they walked. "There have been a few prospects, but they never fruited into anything. And that prince can be a brat sometimes, especially when you are trying to pay attention to your writing."

"Only a few?" he questioned.

Laereth paused and met his eyes then, "Perhaps my love was here in Lothlórien the entire time?"

Haldir felt his throat tighten at that comment obviously directed at him, and he quickly pushed it away, "That is what you get for leaving Lórien."

She scoffed and chuckled lightly, "I figured that would come from your mouth, but I suppose I deserve that. Would me having stayed in Lórien, though, changed anything between us?

"What do you mean?" he questioned.

"Had I stayed, would we have finally given into the urges we both shared?" she asked and pulled her arm away from him, walking ahead of him for a little bit. "I care deeply for you, Haldir, no matter the time or distance that separates us. You must know that is a reason why I am here."

Haldir caught her arm and turned her to look at him, "We could have, I was willing… so long ago… but you pushed me away."

"If we had done anything, Haldir, I would have given my heart to you fully, and I was afraid I would never get it back, but you would continue to go around delighting in all of the maidens that fell at your feet." she said. "I loved you in more ways than you knew. That is why I was so willing to help you, and do everything for you, but you never noticed me… not like the other maidens around the city. I was just there, and a moment's convenience when you were otherwise not occupied by another elleth."

He stayed silent, his mind reeling from the words she was saying. What she was accusing him of was true, but he had come to learn there were other feelings belied by his intentions to experiment in the flesh with her. She was, however, never a moment's convenience. But he could not say this to her, so he questioned, "Loved me? You no longer do?"

"You are a friend Haldir," she said and turned her eyes away from his. "I do not think I can put so much into a love again that is unrequited. I will love you as a friend."

"And should something happen between us?" he questioned.

Laereth pursed her lips and met his eyes quickly, "Like what, seeing as we are only just friends?"

"I know not…" he sighed. "Let us stop talking about this, we already agreed not to say anything on the subject, and now listen to us."

She nodded her head and smiled slightly, "I will leave you now, Haldir, so that I may prepare for the ceremony and celebration this eve."

He watched her walk away, and he felt himself sigh heavily. He had always loved her, but he could never tell her that. He could never commit himself to her… not after the vow he made to himself so long ago after his mother's leaving to go to Valinor. She wished for marriage and a family, and he could not give her that.

mellon- friend