Chapter 9- Convictions and Morals
He woke early the next morning, at his normal time, he was sure because he had not stayed out very late the night before. As a matter fact after his little incident with Caladiel, and seeing Laereth, he had gone to his talan and remained there for the rest of the evening until he fell into a fitful slumber that had him noting never to go to sleep as aroused as he was or he would dream rather colorful dreams. He had contemplated on going back to the feast, because he knew how bad it looked for him to leave so early as it was in his honor, but he did not want to face Laereth again. Not after he saw her. And it was evident she definitely saw the state he had been in when he left Caladiel. As far as he knew, she had heard the entire conversation between him and Caladiel, thereby hearing the speculations.
But these speculations… they had been around for sometime after Laereth left for Mirkwood, especially when he had grown quite withdrawn after she left, recovering from his wounds of being without her. They had not said so much to his face before she left, and did not after she left. Now that she was back, however, the others who knew her and knew of their long past together, immediately started chattering and gossiping about what could possibly be going on with the new March Warden and Laereth that she had come back so suddenly and for this occasion. He was resistant to their chatter, because he knew what they said was true. He knew he had loved her since his father told him his task was to tell Laereth as much, but just as he had been collecting the courage to tell her this, their fathers had been slain and their mothers left for Valinor. After that, he had vowed to himself that nothing could be between him and Laereth or any other female for that matter.
He was an Elf of his word, and he planned on sticking with his convictions.
Except that still did not explain why he had acted in such a way with Caladiel. During Laereth's absence he took what he wished with the other maidens, never really caring what happened. With Laereth here, however, he worried that she would judge him, and that she would be right in the way she judged him. The last thing he wanted was for her to think less of him. But that was only part of it, he knew. It was because last night, with Caladiel, all he could think about was what Arphenon was doing with Laereth. Haldir knew his friend's intentions with Laereth since they were young ellon, and still he had pawned him off on her so he could go to his rendezvous. He did not even say one word to her the entire feast. And for that he was ashamed.
Then his thoughts turned to Laereth alone, and the instant he could no longer see Caladiel in front of him, and only saw Laereth, he knew it was time to stop until he could sort out what he was going to do about this.
Why did it have to be so damned complicated?
Haldir grumbled to himself and sat at the table in the kitchen of his talan, sipping his tea. So much for this being a peaceful time with Laereth. Perhaps if he went straight back out to the borders instead of staying within the city for the entire month like he had originally planned would be better. But he would not do that either. Laereth had traveled too far and they had not seen each other in so long that he could not leave the city. He wished to spend time with her, no matter how odd his feelings were for her at the moment.
There was a faint knock at the door of his talan, and he went to open it, not knowing who to expect. He pulled the door back to reveal the elleth of his thoughts, dressed in a diaphanous gown of pale blue. Did she do this to him on purpose? Really, the gown she wore looked more like bed chamber attire than anything. But she smiled and swallowed softly, saying, "Good morning, Haldir."
"Good morning," he said, trying to divert his attention elsewhere than on her, but it was useless. He walked away from the door, leaving it open for her to enter if she wished. She stepped in and shut the door quietly, turning back to look at him.
"Why so quiet?" she questioned, spotting the tea pot. Without waiting to ask, she walked through the kitchen and went straight to the cabinet that held the clay cups within them.
He watched her for a moment, astonished that she found them so easily. Haldir sipped his tea, "How did you know where to find those? Have you been in here before?"
Laereth glanced at him, a half-smile on her lips. "They are in the same cupboard as they were in the old talan. One thing easy to learn about you, if you have spent any time with you, is that you are set in your ways. When you find something that works well enough for you, you leave it alone and never try to find new ways of doing things."
"Perhaps I have changed," he suggested.
"Maybe in some ways, but I have not seen it in the little time we have spent together since yesterday," she said. Haldir sighed and gazed up at her as she lowered herself into the seat to his right. She smiled and took a long drink of her tea, "Did you have a pleasant rest of your evening?"
Haldir narrowed his eyes at her. He hoped that she would not bring it up so early in their conversation, for sake of his embarrassment. "Do you think I did?"
"Nay," she said, resting her head on her hand, looking at him closely. She did this for a long while, until she let out a quick breath and took another sip of her tea.
"I am sorry about what happened last eve," he said. "I should not have left you with Arphenon."
"You need not worry, he was every bit a respectable Elf," Laereth replied, picking at the sleeve of her gown. "But I was a little angry the only words you spoke to me were to pawn Arphenon off on me."
"That is what I am sorry about," Haldir muttered.
Laereth smiled, "Do not worry about it, it has passed and there is nothing you can do to change that. However, there was something I needed to give you, but did not have a chance last eve."
"And what is that?" he questioned.
He had not realized that she brought with her a small pouch of dark wine velvet. She opened it up, her long fingers dipping in to extract whatever was inside of the pouch. Laereth glanced up at him for moment, taking his right hand. "When she left, your mother gave me this so that I could give it to you when you became March Warden."
"How could she possibly know I was to become March Warden?" he questioned.
Laereth slipped the large ring upon his ring finger, and looking up at him, locking her gaze on him. "You were so determined there was no way that you would not become March Warden one day, you know that."
Haldir took his hand from hers and brought it closer so he could look at it. He knew exactly what ring it was… with the heavy weight and large green stone centered in the mithril, and he could not keep back the emotions from again rising in him. It had once belonged to his grandfather, who died in the Wars with Sauron directly after the forging of the Rings of Power, and then his father. Now it came to him, and he could not help but feel a certain wariness in wearing it upon his hand, considering it's past, but he would not remove it. It was the only thing linking him to the past, reminding him all that had happened. Laereth sighed, "Your father would have loved to be here to see this occasion, Haldir. But he knew… he always knew you would be March Warden one day."
He sighed heavily, trying to keep his sadness at bay, but it was not working. During the entire ceremony the day before he had thought of his father and mother, and how he would have loved to have them there to witness it as he received his accolades. Again he took a deep breath, and stood up quickly to refill his tea, hoping he could will his misty eyes into a state of remission. He paused with his back to her at the counter, his hand on the tea pot. Then he felt a hand upon his shoulder. Turning quickly, he found Laereth there, realizing he had not heard her get up and approach him.
"I know I have never been any replacement for your parents, Haldir, and the words of praise and encouragement they could have given you," she said quietly, meeting his eyes. "But you must know you will always have me, even if we are separated."
Haldir smiled slightly, feeling the incredible urge to take her into his arms and kiss her. And he did take her into his arms, but resisted the temptation to kiss her. That would have just been too much to take right then. "I am glad you are here, Laereth. You are my family… you have always been my family."
Laereth held onto him tightly, her arms about his neck, and placed a kiss to his cheek, "And I cannot even express to you how proud I was to see you yesterday, standing in front of all those people, swearing your allegiance to Celeborn and Galadriel. I cannot even tell you now, how proud I remain to be your friend."
He pulled back from her, looking down into her eyes. He knew that she had loved him for a long time, even before the death of their fathers. She had said so much many times, and he had only brushed it aside. He knew that was one of the reasons why she left. Yet she was here now, and in his arms. He had every chance in the world to proclaim his own love for her- the love that had taken full hold of him since her departure when he realized how he missed her- but he could not bring himself to do it. If he did, then that could mean only one thing, and the absolute one thing he was not willing to commit to. He would not be like his family- torn apart by war and grief.
She sighed, moving her eyes from his, as though she could sense what he was thinking, touching his cheek softly like she had done at the ceremony, making him nearly lose it from all the emotion that was encompassed in that one, simple touch. He let go of her and she walked back to sit in her seat, "Cuileth received word this morning that her husband and Bainon were on the borders. They should be here by nightfall. Would you care to have the evening meal with us?"
"Aye, I would like that," he said. "But how will you fit everyone into a small guest talan?"
"Rúmil generously offered the talan," she said. "As long as someone else cooked."
"Why do we not have this meal here? It is much larger," Haldir said, looking around.
"Aye it is," she smiled. "Show me around… I must say that I often wondered what type of home Tirithion lived in when he was March Warden."
Haldir stood from his seat, "It is not much now… just yesterday morning did I finish moving my things over here."
"I do not mind," she said, standing and following him around the rather large talan, up to the second level with two bed chambers that were meant for guests or children. He watched her closely as she looked around the rather bare, meagerly furnished rooms. She turned to him, "I did not know Tirithion had children."
"He did not," he replied. "But these were built nonetheless."
Laereth nodded her head, "Just more room for you fill with your family, when you so decide to settle."
Haldir hated how she could just come up with these statements and questions; they made him uncomfortable, but she did not mean to make him uncomfortable. At least he hoped she did not do it on purpose to make him feel so uncomfortable. "Conceivably."
"Conceivably?" she said, with a short laugh and followed him as they left the room and went back down the stairs. "How can you say 'conceivably', Haldir? You cannot tell me you are happy with these sporadic nights with different ellyth."
"There have only been two ellyth who have obliged me so," he replied, not really knowing why he was telling her this.
"That is better than I thought… but no one here looks down upon the immorality of it?" she questioned. "Elves do not give themselves unless they are in at least a committed relationship. Unless you have loved the two ellyth you speak of… then I will stop."
Haldir stopped and turned quickly to look down at her, "Do not lecture me on my morals, Laereth!"
He was beyond angry with these attacks on his ethics. Just because he delighted every so often in the joys of the flesh with ellyth, gave her no right to sound as she did speaking of this. But then he did not know if his anger was because of her, or because this only brought up more of their past and the love he would never be able to tell her about and act upon. He so wanted to be in love, to share in all it's pleasure, and he wanted for an elleth to look at him differently than the March Warden and what he could possibly offer her in bed. But he could not. He would not.
"I am not lecturing," she uttered, glancing at the ground and wringing her hands together. Haldir watched her do this, wondering why she had been so affected by his exclamation. Never before was Laereth so easy to put into place over an issue.
"Then what is it you are doing?" he questioned softly.
"I just think you could do much better than flitting about like a honeybee pollinating flowers in the Lady's garden," she said. "I only wish for you what I wish for myself, and I cannot imagine living the way you do."
"That is because you are a female," he said, turning away from her.
Laereth scoffed, "That is complete nonsense, Haldir. You deserve an elleth who will love you and support you… I just… Do you not want just one elleth to come home to when you return from the borders? A family?"
"In a perfect world, then aye," he said. "But there are reasons I care not to tell you why this cannot happen."
"Then I shall stop badgering you," she replied, letting out a long breath. "If you are happy, then I see no reason to try to change it."
The fact was, he was not happy. He had everything he could possibly ever need in the world, except the one elleth he had ever loved because of their mutual stubbornness. Haldir gazed at her, her eyes moving up to meet his. They locked in one, heady, longing look. There was no mistaking what was there in her eyes, just as he was sure that Laereth could tell exactly what was going on in his head from his eyes. He thought for a moment that he would give in to his restraint, and take her in his arms and kiss her, but the time it took to debate the issue was lost when the door was thrown back and Rúmil came calling for him.
Laereth smiled faintly, and brushed back a piece of hair nervously, walking down the hall to doorway into the kitchen and sitting areas. "Good morning, Rúmil."
There was a moment of silence from the other room, and Haldir could picture Rúmil's mind working over time, trying to piece together this situation with Laereth coming from the direction to his chambers. Haldir walked from the hall out into the room, and the look on Rúmil's face was exactly what he had suspected. It was the dumbfounded, disbelieving, confused look that he had mastered as a young child, that often got him out of sticky situations where he might otherwise have been punished severely.
Rúmil glanced at him and then back at Laereth. Then came back to him, straightening his posture and clearing his throat, "I, uh, I came to ask you if you were free to go spar, but if you are busy… then I, erm, will leave."
Laereth chuckled in an embarrassed manner, and sighed, saying bitterly, "Oh please, Rúmil. Do you ever think that would really happen?"
Rúmil turned and looked at him, worriedly. And Haldir shot him a gagging glare, hoping that he would see enough sense in not replying like he normally would to a statement like that. After all, he and Orophin were the two most vocal when it came to baring the harsh reality of his unspoken feelings, though many times they could not distinguish if it was hate or love he felt for Laereth.
"She is right Rúmil," he said, knowing it would hurt her, but right now he needed to preserve himself from any planning his brothers would do.
"Well… fine," Rúmil said and sighed. "Are you free?"
"I am," Haldir nodded.
"I only came over to give him the ring that I could not last eve," she said. "And I asked for a tour."
Rúmil smiled, "Cuileth was looking for you earlier, about the meal tonight."
"Which reminds me, we will have it here, because it is a larger space," Laereth added before Haldir had a chance.
"Very well," Rúmil nodded.
Haldir sighed, "I shall meet you down at the practice field in a bit."
Rúmil smiled again and walked toward the door, exiting quickly. Haldir turned to Laereth then, and sighed. She smiled softly, "Is it fine if Cuileth and I work here without you?"
"Of course," he said.
She nodded her head and walked toward the door, "I will see you later."
Haldir watched her go, and when she was out of talan, he let out an anguished grunt. More than twice had he nearly kissed her… more than once had the fleeting idea of proclaiming to her passed in his mind. This was going to be a difficult visit to get through, and that was not even considering what could happen if she strayed in Lórien for a long amount of time.
If only he could give in.