Edelgard once again woke as the sun rose and rolled over, looking at Juliane. The Empress' face was creased with worry and she had obviously already been up for a little bit of time. Edelgard sat up and looked down at the woman. "Is everything okay, Mother Juliane?" She couldn't help but worry. The woman always put a lot of pressure on herself, not that she could blame her. It was just hard to see somebody she cared about so much suffering. She managed to maintain herself through losing seven children and about to lose another three, icluding her oldest son. How hard must it be to shoulder all of that...? Yet Juliane hadn't lost her kindness or anything of the like.
Juliane looked up and rested a hand on Edelgard's cheek. "Don't worry about it, honey. You don't really need to shoulder my burdens." She offered a world-weary smile, something Edelgard didn't see from her too often. She really was a kind woman, but she couldn't help but worry for her. She deserved so much better than what she'd been given. She deserved to have her large family and help take care of the children she loved so much. But all she had now really was Edelgard... It was terrible to see her hurting so much.
Edelgard gave a small nod before laying back down and tucking against her. She had something she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure how Juliane would react to it. She just... She deserved it. She deserved what she wanted in this case. She took in a breath then let it out. "Mother Juliane, I want to see them today. Tobias, Ernst, and Alina." She shouldn't be kept from her siblings until they died. She deserved to say goodbye to them while they were still alive. They were basically as good as dead at this point, but they weren't quite yet... She just wanted to say goodbye properly. They wouldn't know who she was most likely from the sound of it, but didn't they also deserve to see their sister at least one more time? She could understand why Juliane, Karola, and Augusta kept them apart from her, but that didn't mean it was easy. She was functional now, so she really ought to be able to see them.
Juliane sat up and rested a hand on Edelgard's head. "You really don't want to see them, El. They aren't the same people you remember. Alina isn't the sweet little girl you're used to. Ernst isn't the same studious mind that you've grown used to. And Tobias..." She frowned. "He's not the same strong, warm brother you remember. All of them are mad, merely shells of people now. They don't really respond to anything. I don't want your memories of your siblings tarnished by this." So she was right... Juliane was trying to protect her as she so often did. She appreciated it but she was getting close to being an adult now... She needed to learn how to handle reality. She'd eventually be forced i nto the den of vipers that was the nobility. She wouldn't let the likes of Duke Aegir take over for her... She had to learn how to deal with them sooner rather than later. And seeing her siblings would be the first step toward that.
"I know they aren't the same. But if I'm going to be Empress of Adrestia someday, I need to be able to fash harsh reality. I really only have a few years to do that..." She frowned. Yeah, she really only had a couple years to get going on her leassons in politics before she went to Garreg Mach. She had a lot of catching up to do. Still, she didn't quite feel like sitting through lessons yet... Something about the idea of being idle for hours just made her want to scream. But she would have to get used to being in court too... She would have to spend her time between normal lessons and court in the next few years. Juliane had said the stress of everything had very negatively effected Father's health, though she hadn't been very clear in what that meant. All Edelgard knew was that her father was in a bad state and now much weaker than he had been before.
Juliane sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I suppose you're right, El. You aren't a little girl anymore and you're the heir apparent. Tobias, Ernst, and Alina will all likely die within the next few months. I can't shield you from the court any longer. You know that much of your father's power has been stripped from him, but he's not entirely without some power. He's still Emperor and I'm still Empress. We still do have duties to attend to, and you're going to have to share in those duties sooner rather than later. With the state your father's in, he may not last more than few years longer either... So you need to be ready as soon as possible." The Empress ran a hand over Edelgard's head, though her brown gaze was a bit distant. Edelgard felt bad for pushing her, but she was right in this case. She hadn't known that her father's health was so bad though... Lasting only a few more years? And he hadn't seen her yet? Why? Why wouldn't he visit her? She missed him so horribly. Sure, she hadn't seen him all the time before hand, but she'd at least seen him once a week... And now it'd been three months and she hadn't seen him once... Did he hate her now for her being the only surviving child?
Tears welled in Edelgard's eyes and she buried her head in Juliane's shoulder. "He hates me now, doesn't he?" It was the only explanation. Of course he hated her. She was the only one that had survived with any sort of sanity intact. Honestly, if it weren't for Juliane, she may very well have gone down the same path as her siblings. Her journal entries from the time said she tended to just stare at the ceiling... Getting her to do anything had proven difficult, but Juliane's careful coaxing and gentle support had gotten her out of the worst of it.
Juliane made a soothing noise and rubbed Edelgard's back. "No, not at all, El. He doesn't hate you. All of this is just very difficult for him, for all of us. I promise you he still loves you." She sighed. "He just... He blames himself for all of this... Because of what Duke Aegir and the other nobles did, he couldn't protect his children. He still loves you more than anything, but after burying seven children...it's made his emotions difficult for him to handle." Edelgard could sense there was more that Juliane wasn't telling her. A lot more. But she wouldn't push. Just getting this much out of her had proven difficult. She missed her father. She missed her family. But she was the only one left of the children... She hated all of this. She wanted to go back to the days before Fhirdiad when everything had been happy. Not perfect, but at least happy . She'd even take Helga and her daughters back. Those three had been poisonous wretches, but they'd still been family . She missed those days so much...
"I just want to see him..." But something told her that wouldn't happen, not for a long time yet. She missed his hugs and his piggy back rides and everything else he'd done with her. He hadn't been a perfect father due to his busy schedule, but, again, it'd still been happy . She missed those days so much. But nothing could bring them back. The slitherers had destroyed her family. They had taken everything from her. Hatred burned in her heart for the slitherers but she pushed it down, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She has lost everything... Why were people so cruel? She had never known much cruelty before this. But now, it felt like almost everything in her life was meant to take away from her... Currently, the only things that gave her any sort of hope and kindness were the falconry family and Juliane. Augusta and Karola were simply too busy with trying to keep her siblings comfortable that she had barely seen them in the month and a half since she'd left Juliane's room.
"I'll see if I can get him to agree, but I won't make any promises. Guilt is a strong thing that can drive people to do bad things even if they want to do the best they can for those they care about." Edelgard wouldn't know... She didn't have a lot of guilt in her life... She was the last surviving of the children... Was it some preordained destiny or something else? She didn't know. Why was she the one to survive instead of Tobias or Silvester or even Eckhart? None of it felt fair. She was just the ninth child, born to the fifth concubine. She wasn't supposed to be destined for greatness or anything like that... She was just supposed to be married off to help with the Imperial line or maybe act in some other way to help the Empire. She wasn't supposed to be the heir apparent. She just simply wasn't supposed to be the one to take over.
She hiccuped but pulled away from Juliane and rubbed her eyes. She needed to get ready for the day. "El, I'll cancel your classes for today... You're probably going to be too upset to focus on combat in any shape, way, or form. And if you need to spend the day by my side afterward, I'll be here for you." Juliane kissed her head and they went through their morning routine. It felt kind of distant and faint though... Once again, the overwhelming sense of fogginess was taking over. She hated it when it did... It made it so much harder to remember things. She didn't want to forget this. It might be the last time she saw any of her siblings.
Her hand went to her pocketbook and the magical pen she carried with her everywhere. She would write things down as soon as they happened. She really didn't want to forget this before she managed to get to her journal entries for the night. She really wished she had some sort of explanation for her her constantly fuzzy head. Right now, it really didn't feel like the world was even real. The warmth from Juliane's hand didn't feel like it was grounding her at all... She might not be able to see Ueli and Romy today... She would have to tell Hubert to go talk to them if that was the case.
They at least did meet up with Hubert in the hallway and he looked at Edelgard. "Where are we going today, my lady?" She just let out a small noise. When things felt like this, she really didn't like to talk too much. It felt like she was looking through water out into the world. It was sometimes too much to talk when the world felt so distant. She might very well not eat too much either... Her stomach was already doing flips. They'd at least eaten breakfast so she had at least a little bit of something in her system before starting the day.
"She wants to see Tobias and the others," she heard Juliane say.
The look on Hubert's face looked pained. "I'll be right here for you if you need me, my lady." She gave a small nod. Hubert would always be there for her. She had no doubt about it. She was so incredibly stressed out right now despite not having done anything quite yet. She was just going to go see her siblings, yet her mind was acting like she was walking into an execution. Even dealing with an eagle that could potentially put a foot through her hand hadn't been as stressful as this for some reason.
She felt Juliane squeeze her hand and the world felt further away with every step she felt her legs take. She probably ought to turn around right now. She could just go see Ueli and maybe read to Evelin and then work with Romy. She wouldn't be stressed out like now. Why was her mind telling her this was a life or death situation? She didn't understand... This was absolutely terrible. She needed to see her siblings at least one more time before the died. She needed to say goodbye. She hadn't gotten to say goodbye to seven of her siblings which was really hard. She really just wanted to be with them one last time…
They headed to an obscure room in the royal wing which was out of the way. She heard Augusta's voice from behind the door, though it was relatively soft behind the really thick wood. She heard Juliane knock and she saw the door open. "Juliane? What are you- El? Hubert? Why did you bring them here?" Augusta looked concerned especially as she focused on Edelgard.
She heard Juliane sigh. "She wanted to see the rest of them at least one more time. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she made some good points... She'll be taking over the Empire soon enough and we can't shield her from the reality that is the court. She's the only one left that can take over... So I figured she was right. I can't hide her away from reality forever." She felt Juliane squeeze her hand. She saw Augusta's eyes drop and she heard her sigh. Apparently the woman wasn't too happy about this. But she couldn't entirely blame her... The mothers had done all they could to shield the youngest children from reality and how horrible the world could be. But a part of her died during the Crest experiments... She was no longer the same El that they had helped raise. She was broken and scarred, mentally, physically, and emotionally. The strange separation she always felt from the world was proof of that.
"I guess that is true... It's just hard to not see little tiny El anymore... Still, her eyes are kind of glassy... That's never a good sign with her. Are you sure it's a good idea?" She saw Augusta look at Juliane, then saw the Empress nod.
"Unfortunately, this might happen no matter when we did it. She's stressed but...she does deserve to at least say goodbye to them properly." She felt Juliane squeeze her hand again. She did deserve that. She loved her siblings dearly and wanted to say goodbye to them. They really shouldn't stop her from saying goodbye. Even if she was incredibly stressed over it, she ought to be given that chance. It was cruel to keep her away from her siblings even if they didn't remember her or were really able to function period... They had been around each other almost their entire lives. How cruel would it be to keep her from those she loved and had once loved her so deeply?
"You're probably right about that." She heard Augusta sigh then she nodded. "All right, El; don't say we didn't arn you that it'd be upsetting." The door was opened for her and she was led through it.
Inside, the room was large and there were three beds inside. If she didn't know better, she would swear that two of them contained corpses for how still the occupants were. Eckhart's green hair was pale, dusty, and greasy. Normally, it shone due to it being one of his pride and joy. He had always taken pride in his appearance and making sure he reflected on the Imperial family as best he could. He also always wore some level of makeup and did his best to keep acne at bay. Small bubbles of acne littered his face and his pale, normally tanned and handsome, was pale to the point she could barely recognise him. This wasn't the Eckhart she knew at all. His cheeks were hollow and sunken along with his eyes. They weren't open but closed. The only way she knew he lived was from the faint lowering and rising of his chest beneath the sheets.
Tobias was in much the same sort of state, though his eyes stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. His normally vibrant, red hair was pale. It normally looked of fire, the spark he carried in everything he did. But now, it was greasy and had been rough cut to keep it from growing out too much.
Worst, though, was Alina. The younger girl rocked back and forth on her bed, eyes wild and almost bestial. She stared at Edelgard with eyes that reminded her of a cornered animal ready to flee. Edelgard heard her let out a sound and she started to climb off her bed, but Karola gently herded her back onto it. She clearly had no recollection of who Edelgard was due to how she reacted. Edelgard felt a frown etch itself on her face. Yeah, this was really terrible... She had known her siblings had gone mad, but she hadn't expected this. Eckhart and Tobias were basically already as good as dead while Alina was little more than a wild animal. Honestly, even wild animals could be calmer. She'd seen yesterday how Romy had been while sitting on the perch and on her fist. The bird was simply impassive to everything while Alina seemed to be ready to run away at the first sight of anything unusual.
"Don't say I didn't warn you, El..." she heard Juliane say. Her head tilted up to look at the Empress. She had warned her, so she couldn't blame anybody but herself for seeing this awful sight. But she needed to. She needed closure with her siblings before they buried them. They were family . It was cruel to keep her away from them to some degree, but she could see why Juliane and her other mothers had tried to shield her from the terrible reality.
She let go of Juliane's hand and walked over to where Tobias was. She saw his head turn slightly to look at her, though his eyes were glassy and blank. He did blink, though and opened his mouth. "El...?" It was so faint it was almost impossible to hear. She wasn't sure if she even had heard it. Arrows pierced her heart as she suddenly wept. She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks almost out of nowhere.
"Toby...?" Her voice was feeble and barely made its way out of her throat. She missed him so much. She loved him more than anything else. He was the one that had done so much for her when she'd been a child and her mother hadn't allowed it. He had gotten her into so much trouble with Anselma at times, but she had never hated him for it. The excursions they took had always been great fun for her. Exploring the city, riding out in the country, and so much more. He really had been her best friend. Not to diminish what Hubert did for her and the company he offered but...it was a different sort of friendship. Tobias had been her link to the world so she could learn about life outside the castle. She wouldn't know or have experienced half of what she had without him. She missed him so horribly.
And now she would never have him back.
Eckhart had always been one to help her with her studies. She had often struggled with a lot of things when the teachers didn't explain things in a way that made sense to her. Somehow, he always knew just how to explain it so she could grasp it. He would've made a fantastic teacher someday, maybe even go to Garreg Mach's Officer's Academy. He really would've been great for it. He was so passionate about learning and then expericing things as well so he could convey it to Edelgard and the other, younger children so they could maybe one day understand before they experienced it.
And now she would never hear his voice again.
And then Alina... The youngest of all the children. So sweet, gentle, and carefree. She had been a monster when it'd come to combat despite her gentleness. Katinka had taught both of her children a lot about combat, survival, and other practical skills like that. Despite Anselma's protests, the three of them had learned a lot of those practical skills together. Katinka had said there was no way to be positive what one might run into in the world. Which was true. Nobody could've predicted the Crest experiments or anything like that... Both Leopold and Alina had been so prepared should something terrible happen.
But she would never play with her little sister again. Even she couldn't have been prepared for this unholy fate.
She heard somebody walk over to her and felt a hand on her shoulder, then she looked up. She could just barely make out Juliane in her misted eyes. "I did warn you, El... Do you want to stay here much longer?" Edelgard looked away, the room completely twisted in her teary eyes. She wasn't sure. She really didn't know. She loved her siblings but seeing them like this... She hated it. But she did want to remember. She would probably forget the specifics of what had happened. The world felt so far away right now. Even Juliane's hand on her shoulder felt so very far away. Nothing felt real. She barely connected even to her own mind.
She felt her hands fumble as she went into her pocket to get the little book and pen, then she handed it to Juliane. She saw the woman take it. She started dictating to her, voice wavering with every word. She knew she wasn't coherent enough to try to write everything down that she felt and thought. She wasn't sure how coherent her spoken words were either-she simply spoke whatever came to h er mind. She hated speaking when in such a state, but she had no choice here. It was like the days immediately following her release-she'd had to have Juliane take over and write her journal entries for her. She was so terribly incoherent that trying to write would just be illegible and not make any sense... Juliane would be able to keep things straight and legible for her when she went to write her entry for the day before bed.
How long she talked for, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that everything really hurt. It hurt her so badly. Her heart felt like it would be ripped out from her chest on seeing all of this.
And it didn't help that Tobias' hand did come out from benath the covers and reached out for her. His hand was thin and shook visibly. More tears ran down her cheeks. She took his hand and put it over her cheek, nuzzling into it. "E-El..." She definitely heard it that time. There was still some semblance of him inside of there. Even with the hair difference, he recognised her somehow, somewhere deep within.
"I'm here, Toby..." Her voice was ushed and she closed her eyes. His hand used to be so very warm, but now it was so cold. It was like the warmth had been sapped from his body. She herself retained warmth despite how much she'd been in those dark, cruel dungeons. She missed her brother so very much and she'd never get to see him be himself after this again. She missed him holding her at night, taking her out into th ecity, riding with her on horseback, and so many other things. He had done so much for her. Now he would never do fo rher again. He was wasting away into nothingness and she would never spend time with him again, not like that at least…
She shifted her hand and the sound of the bell rang through the quiet room. Normally, it was almost unnoticeable, but in this case, it sounded like a gong despite the thinkling being minor. She could hear a noise from the other side of the room, but she paid it no heed. It was probably Alina freaking out at a foreign sound. Her attention was focused entirely on her older brother.
His eyes stared at her, almost unblinking, but she saw something she hadn't anticipated.
Tears .
He was crying.
Still, he made no sound, though. The tears simply rolled down his cheeks and fell onto the pillow. She felt his hand continue to shake, bereft of the warmth that she had known him for. All the fire he'd had before was gone. Nothing of the old Toby remained. The man that had taken her hunting and shown her falconry was simply a shell now. All he could do was stare. He obviously had no more will to live... Not that she could blame him. The family was in tatters and she barely had the will to go on herself some days... But the thought of what would happen to Adrestia scared her more than anything else.
"Oh Toby... I'll get her flying again. I saw Evelin the other day and she's mad... She's completely lost in her insanity. I'll get her flying free again, though. I promise. She'll soar in the sky again. She'll get to taste freedom again. I promise. She won't be confined to her mews for the rest of her life. She'll be my bird and I'll get her to be able to hunt again. She'll be a great bird again. I promise." She continued talking to her brother somewhat incoherently, just promising him that Evelin would be free again. She couldn't bear the thought of the eagle being completely confined to mews for the rest of her life. She wanted to see that eagle fly free again and hear the bells that she obviously still remembered. It was the only way to get her out of her madness. She seemed to long to fly free again if hearing the bells was any indication. But she wasn't sure how to do it... So much was riding on her. So much. The entire future of the Empire weighed on her shoulders.
...She really was going to have to lead the Empire, wasn't she? She had known but...suddenly, it all came crashing down on her. She really would have to lead the Empire. She would have to do what she thought was right. She would have to possibly kill people. Fódlan was in a historical state of peace, but who knew what the future leaders of the Kingdom and Alliance were like? They might very well try to take Adrestia down. She didn't know. She had never met the future leaders of either. How was she supposed to lead the Empire when she didn't have the faintest clue for what that entailed? She had only a few years to catch up on everything before she left for Garreg Mach. And with the state her father was in, she would probably have to succeed the throne very shortly after she graduated.
She hated this. She hated all of this. Why was life so cruel and unfair? There was nothing beautiful about it. She'd been robbed of her siblings and her entire family. She knew Anselma's exile had more or less been her own fault, but Juliane had never been clear on the details of what had happened, at least not yet. All she knew was that Anselma had plotted something against Juliane and Augusta had caught her. She wasn't abreast on court politics yet, but...she really ought to start sitting in on sessions soon enough. Once she took over, even the nobles wouldn't be able to stop her. She wouldn't let the likes of Aegir stop her in her attempts to rid the Empire of corruption. Anybody allied with the slitherers needed to be purged . They were a blight on Fódlan and needed to be absolutely stopped... Hopefully Hubert's attempts to learn about them had proven fruitful…
She felt Juliane's hand squeeze her shoulder and she looked up at the woman, blinking tears out of her eyes. "Let's go back to my room, El." Edelgard nodded numbly and stood up, though gher legs gave out. She was so distressed she couldn't even walk.
"Would you like support, my lady?" She almost didn't recognise Hubert's voice, the world was so far gone. But she looked at him and nodded. He gently picked her up and she rested against his chest. She was so glad for him. She didn't know what she would do without him. She really couldn't ask for a better friend or a more loyal vassal. He would do absolutely everything within his power to support her and keep her safe. She really, really wish he had been with her in Fhirdiad... Maybe she wouldn't have lost her memory had she been with him... All she knew was that she'd been alone without any support or care... Her uncle had just tossed her out and expected her to find her way in a completely foreign world.
She closed her eyes as she felt him start to walk. The trip back to Juliane's room's was entirely silent which made her shudder. The silence was deafening again. She hated it when it got like that. She didn't like silence. It made her feel like she was back in the oppressive cell.
She felt that she was placed on something soft and looked around to see Juliane's room. The Empress settled next to her and pulled her into her lap. "Hubert, dear, would you mind fetching me a book?" Thankfully, it didn't take too long after that for the room to be filled with the sound of Juliane reading. It was just enough to take off the edge of not worrying about the silence. It felt like her words didn't reach the edges of the room this time with how soft her voice was. So it felt like the silence was creeping into the room despite Juliane's attempts to battle it off.
She curled into a small ball and tucked against Juliane as much as she could, her mind swirling. The world still didn't feel right or real. It felt like everything had ended. Her life ought to be over, but she was still alive for some reason. Why was she still alive? She should have died with her other siblings or gone mad like them? Why was she the only one that survived? She hated it. She wanted things to go back to normal. She wanted her family back which included Anselma. She wanted Tobias and the rest of them back. She wanted Katinka and Kerstin and even Helga back. She just wanted things to go back to normal. Then the pain would go away. If everyone were back, it'd be fine. Yes. That was what would happen if the other women came back. All of the pain would go away. She just wanted the pain to end. Everything hurt. Especially her heart. It wouldn't stop hurting. Why did everything have to hurt so much?
She heard Juliane started to hum and felt her start to rub her back. They were old hymns that Edelgard knew from her various church services she'd been to and fury flared in her heart. She started to shake again and her sobbing grew harder, though it was out of pure rage instead of the anguish she felt from losing her siblings. She hated the church. She hated Rhea. If it weren't for that heartless monster, none of this would have happened. If it weren't for people being obsessed with Crests, she wouldn't have lost her siblings and family. Juliane didn't have a Crest and neither did Tobias, but they were still great people. Why were people so obsessed with ancient power that did nothing? She hated it. The church has caused nothing but pain and suffering since its inception. Rhea needed to die. She didn't want to have the Alliance and Kingdom against her, but she wanted to see the Central Church burn. The Children of the Goddess had done nothing but cause severe damage and keep humans down... They really deserved to die. Any that were left ought to die.
Juliane stopped humming and looked at Edelgard. "Am I upsetting you more?" No shit. But she couldn't say that directly to Juliane. It wasn't that she couldn't curse in front of the woman; she simply respected her too much to say it in such a direct manner. So she gave a weak nod. She hadn't told Juliane any of the knowledge that the slitherers had given to her. She hated it. She hated the Church so much. The goddess had never done anything to help people. Their pleas had fallen on silent ears for far too long. If she was so kind and merciful, why did she not intervene? There was no goddess anymore... She was dead .
She could feel Juliane's head nod and so she switched to different music. "El, if there's anything I do you don't like I do, please tell me. I don't want to upset you more. Especially right now." She felt the woman rub her back and she looked up at her. Those same kind, warm eyes that she'd known all her left met her own. Juliane really was an amazing person. Her own son was dying, yet she was spending so much time with Edelgard. How she could love when she'd lost so much was beyond Edelgard's understanding. She didn't want to love anymore. It hurt. It hurt far too much. Seeing her siblings like that... Everything hurt. Tears welled in her eyes again and spilled down her cheeks anew. Damn those slitherers and damn the Church for making Crests so important to Fódlan …
"I"ll be back in just a second, okay, El?" She sat Edelgard to the side and she let out a small noise. She didn't want Juliane to leave her for even a moment. She was the only comfort she ad right now. Well…
Hubert wrapped an arm around her. She rested against him, watching almost helplessly as Juliane went over to her desk, then got in a drawer. She pulled something out, then settled back on her bed. She revealed a small, wooden instrument Edelgard had never seen before. "Katinka made this for me long before she left and taught me how to play. It's called an ocarina." She found herself back in Juliane's lap and the woman started playing the instrument for her. They were songs Edelgard had never heard before. Mostly they were simple melodies that were jovial and probably not too hard to memorise. It helped relax her a fair bit more and she closed her eyes. This was better than being around her siblings and seeing their suffering. She really didn't want to go back there... But she would have to one day to say goodbye to her siblings. She knew they would waste away into nothingness as shown by the state of Tobias' body. He really was just wasting. He had been strong and muscular at one point, but now, his arm had been thin and frail. She really hated it.
As Juliane played, she did find herself starting to come down from the worst of the fuzzy state. The world was starting to feel a bit more real now, bit by bit. She simply stayed tucked up against the Empress while she played the little instrument.
Eventually, something did hit her. "Hubert, could you go tell Ueli I won't be down there today?" She felt bad. She had promised the kind falconer that she would be down there today at the usual time. It was now creeping past noon and she hadn't come down yet. She had been there by about eleven following her combat lessons the previous day. It'd been later the previous day, but still... She didn't want to leave him hanging too long. Hopefully Helen wouldn't be upset either... She wanted to continue to learn to cook, but that wasn't going to happen today. She didn't want to leave Juliane. It felt like the world would end if she left the comfort of the Empress' arms. It really felt like she was tossed back into the days immediately following her freedom. She didn't want to leave the room or anything like that. Juliane was her safety net and she would always be there to catch her when she fell.
Huber tood and offered a half bow. "Of course, my lady. Do you want me to pick you up a meal and some snacks from the kitchens on the way back?" She frowned as she thought. She...really wasn't hungry right now. Seeing her siblings like that had been far too upsetting. She wouldn't be able to keep anything down right now.
"Maybe some snacks but not a meal." Yeah that was probably the best compromise. She really did need to get something in her system, but she wouldn't be able to keep anything down. "Maybe some bread and cheese..." That would be easy on the stomach and maybe she'd be able to keep it down. She really didn't feel like attempting to eat, but she really did need to get something in her system. She hadn't eaten since close to dawn that morning. Nearly half the day had passed since then. She hated really all of this. There was nothing more she could do. All she could do was try.
"Very well. I'll be back as quickly as possible." He bowed again then headed off through the door. With him gone, it felt even more lonely. He had mostly sat outside the door in those early days but she was so used to him being her shadow now. She hated when he had to leave. Of course, she would have to get used to it eventually. He would be off doing all sorts of things without her once she took over. Hubert's world was not hers, as much as she hated to admit it. He lived in the world of the shadows and lurked with the serpents. He did things for her that nobody else would dream of. Not that she'd really had people disappear or anything like that done... But she could remember her father telling her tales of how Hubert's father acted and how Hubert's family was basically the secret police for the Imperial family. She really didn't like that, but it was the fact of who he was. She would never know what all Hubert did to keep her safe. Though how awful must if have been when she'd disappeared again when he hadn't been looking?
She closed her eyes again and stayed tucked against Juliane. "I don't know how you can stay so kind..." She still didn't really feel like talking, but she didn't want the silence to last for too long either. Juliane had to be getting parched after playing for so long. Maybe Hubert would bring her something to drink too. She just... She really didn't know how Juliane kept her heart through all of this. She had lost so much. And how must it have impacted her relationship with her husband? She had no idea of what Juliane and her father's relationship was like at the moment. She had done quite well to keep it from Edelgard especially in those initial days after her freedom.
"As long as there's one person that needs me, I'll be myself." She looked up at Juliane and saw her smile. She was such a strong woman. She had lost so much. She had lost seven children and was on the verge of losing three more. How anybody could stay sane and kind through that was crazy but in a good way. She really wished she had Juliane's resilence. But she was shattered, broken. Some days could still be so bad where all she could do was stare at the ceiling while Hubert or Juliane kept her company.
"El, can you look at me for a minute?" She looked up at Juliane, purple eyes wide. The woman smiled at her warmly and rubbed her back. "There's one thing I want you to never forget and I hope you never do. Never lose your heart. It's not hard to see just how much you're hurting right now and I'm not going to tell you you're wrong for doing that. But never let your hurt get the better of you. Never lose sight of who you are despite the pain. If you do, then the enemy wins. You can be angry at the for what they've done, but don't let that rage consume you." Edelgard looked down and at her hands. It was so hard to not let the slitherers win. They'd taken absolutely everything from her. She'd lost her entire family because of those sick freaks. She bore the Crest of Flames now because of them. It hurt too much... And she had the scars to prove it.
Juliane kissed her head. "I know it's hard to process right now, but can you write that down in your pocketbook?" Edelgard sighed but nodded. She took her pocketbook out and wrote the request down. Not lost herself... How was she supposed to not? She'd lost everything. The only things she hadn't lost were three of her mothers. She'd even lost her father... She lost all of her siblings. She just... She ha ted all of this.
"I'll try to remember." That was all she could promise. She wouldn't pretend that she could really process that request at all right now. It felt too much to do anything but stay tucked against Juliane right now. She was so overwhelmed with grief and anger at the slitherers as well as the Church. Rhea was a cruel, heartless beast and wouldn't care if any of this had happened. She really was the impetus behind all of this. If she hadn't been so aggressive toward the slitherers, none of this would have happened. She didn't care for humans in the slightest. She never had and never would. She needed to burn for the sins she'd committed against humanity. She might say that humans deserved to burn but it was she who needed death.
"Thank you, El. Do you think you could tell me what you've learned in your combat lessons and what Ueli has taught you?" She looked back up at Juliane before she started talking quietly. She still wasn't really in the proper frame of mind to talk, but it was something at least. It was a distraction especially from the silence. Right now, it was just too deafening to want to be in the silence. She could at least retain a fair bit of information that she'd been taught through tutors and simply through reading. It was people and personal conversations that she really struggled with retaining. She was a good student at least…
Eventually, she heard a small knock at the door and she stiffened, but once the door opened and she saw Hubert, she relaxed. He settled in a chair near the bed and placed the small basket of bread and cheese on the nightstand. "Would you like any of this now, Lady Edelgard?"
She pursed her lips together. "I guess I could try some bread..." She still wasn't sure how well her stomach would h old up in general. She really didn't feel like she could hold anything down. But Juliane passed some bread and butter to her. Thankfully, bread was pretty easy on the stomach so it went down despite how it felt like acrobats flipped on trapeze in her abdomen. She really did need to have something in her system after not eating for so long.
"By the way, Your Majesty, I asked a servant to bring up a more appropriate meal for you. They'll be here after it's cooked." Hubert dipped his head to Juliane and the woman nodded.
"Thank you, Hubert; I do appreciate it." She smiled warmly at him. Edelgard nodded a bit. It was also a warning to her that another servant would be coming up here soon enough and to expect company. She really did appreciate Hubert's thoughtfulness on almost all matters. Though...she really did need some water. Thankfully, he had also brought a pitcher with some glasses.
"Can I please have some water?"
"Of course, my lady. You too, Your Majesty?"
"If you would be so kind." Soon, the pair of women were sipping on water and Edelgard let out a breath of relief. She hadn't realised just how parched she actually was. All of the crying had really wrung her out of fluids. Her eyes were definitely red and puffy and her throat hurt horribly from all the speaking without having had any water between the crying and starting to talk.
Another knock came on the door and Hubert fetched the meal the servant brought up. Edelgard slipped off of Juliane's lap and rested against him while the Empress ate. She wasn't really sure what to say or do next, but she didn't want to sit in silence. It still felt far too threatening to her. It threatened to bring back the screams of her siblings in her mind and she shuddered. No, she really couldn't handle that right now. But what could she do to deal with that? Her throat hurt pretty badly even after the water, so she didn't feel like talking again anytime soon…
Hubert picked up the book Juliane had been reading and started at a random spot. It was a book she knew pretty much inside and out at this point, so starting a random spot didn't bother her at all. She settled against Hubert fully and sipped her water, listening to him read. She closed her eyes, still finding comfort in him despite everything he lived with. Nothing could compare to having such a good friend in her mind.
The day began to wane, time passing by slowly and little by little. Hubert and Juliane took turns reading, Juliane sometimes playing the ocarina to help chase the silence away. She was glad for it because it still felt too daunting. Of course, Hubert fetched things as needed too like more water and their dinner. Well. More like he found servants to go fetch things while he didn't leave unless necessary. She didn't care. She was glad that he didn't leave her side. Hubert and Juliane were the best presences in her life and the most comforting. They would do absolutely anything they could for her. She was glad to have such great people in her life especially with as much as she'd lost…
Eventually night began to fall and Hubert stood, offering a half bow them. "I should be heading off to my room for the night, my lady. I'll be back in the morning. Should I expect to escort you to the falconer's and lessons or stay here with you tomorrow?" Edelgard frowned at that.
"I'm...not really sure. I'll play it by ear tomorrow. Okay?" She just... She really didn't know. With her current mental state, it was almost impossible to be sure which to expect. She really did want to go to Ueli's, but she might just need to stay attached to Juliane again. Sometimes the only way to combat her awful mental state was to stay attached to the Empress... She really was her emotional anchor at this point.
"Of course. I'll be here tomorrow early, regardless of what you feel up to doing. I hope you have a good night." With that, he excused himself and left. Edelgard felt a bit empty with him gone. She was so used to having him as her shadow. She was always keenly aware of him. But on days like today, she was hyper aware of his presence or lack thereof. She had never asked him to stay with her overnight but if there was any night she'd been tempted, it was tonight. But she wouldn't do that to him. It was crossing a line. Plus, she did have Juliane with her as always.
They went through their nightly routine and Juliane settled in with Edelgard afterward. She kissed her head and Edelgard snuggled close. "I'm right here if you need me for anything, El. Okay?"
"Okay, Mother Juliane." She closed here eyes and rested as lose to the Empress as she could. For the time being, the woman's presence helped push away anything that might haunt her nightmares. She fell into a deep slumber, fully exhausted by the day's events. She had missed the birds, but she simply hadn't been able to handle anything else...