Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers

(A/N: Whee! Fast update!

Sian: Jamie … this is different * thinks back to Chinese class * or not

Jamie: Most of this chapter was dictated by Sian and typed by me, because I type a lot faster. Muahahahahahahaha.)

Disclaimer: You all KNOW the stupid disclaimer I use every time, now shut up and read.

Oh, and the movie Freaky Friday doesn't belong to me, as I'm sure you all know.

Chapter Two: Shut up, Mal-Ferret

At six in the morning, Sian bounced out of bed. Predictably, no one else was up. Sian looked around the room and shuddered. Watching people sleep wasn't her favorite activity. It looked like corpses. Especially Jamie. Not so much that Jamie was a corpse, but more because she didn't DO anything in her sleep. Snore, grunt, peep, yell, no, she did NOTHING!

Sian stared at the corpse-like form of Jamie for about three seconds and decided she couldn't take it any more. She began to shake Jamie. Jamie just swore at her in French and swatted her face. Nursing a red handprint, Sian hit Jamie back. Jamie's only reaction was to burrow deeper into the covers. (A/N: Jamie: I don't swear. I don't even KNOW any French swear words. Though maybe I do swear under extreme provocation or when I'm semi-conscious or maybe asleep. And I don't think I would swat her, but this is only my theory. I have no recollection of anything I do while I'm asleep. Except maybe a dream?)

Sian remembered watching a movie and got a brainwave. Copying 'Freaky Friday', she lifted the duvet at Jamie's feet, grabbed her ankles, and began to pull. Jamie, semi-conscious, grabbed onto the two four-poster bed bedposts in front of her. Sian tugged harder and half of Jamie's body lifted off the bed. It was just like the movie!

One thing Sian hadn't counted on, however, was her grip being too strong and Jamie letting go.

Jamie held on.

Then she let go.

* WARNING … not entirely sure what it is but don't sue us! And DEFINITELY don't Mary-Sue us. *

(A/N: Jamie: Besides, I've had enough of Mary-Sues for a while, thank you very much.)

Jamie shot backwards and wheeled into Sian, her left foot deftly catching Sian in the diaphragm. Sian, winded, snapped forwards and knocked her head into the small of Jamie's back. They collapsed onto the red and gold carpet, which, expertly fluffed, was nice and soft. However, it did nothing to cushion their landing.

And all the girls in the Gryffindor sixth-year girls' dormitory woke to Jamie's scream of --

'FLOWER BRIDGE SIAN!!!' (A/N: Sian: Say this in Cantonese to someone and I promise, they will be offended.

Jamie: Of course, this relies on the fact that they will have to understand English. Or at least know how to recognize when someone's swearing at them.)

'Stupid corpse,' Sian muttered.

Her only reply was a pillow over the head. (A/N: Jamie: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sian: Okay … * edges away *)

Surprisingly, (very) none of the Gryffindor girls got out of bed. Sian swore she heard Hermione's unseemly mutter of, 'F***ing impossible time in the morning.'

Jamie rolled her eyes, already up. Girls set to work and made their beds. Then it was a fight for the bathroom until they realized that there were three. Idiots. (A/N: Sian: Sad but true, that is what we are.

Jamie: I resent that remark! Speak for yourself.)

Stepping out at seven o' clock, crescent-fresh and surprisingly with all clothing on the right body parts, they walked down to the common room, ignoring Lavender's mutter of, 'But I d'wn wanna gudoo school.'

Sian looked at Jamie. Jamie blinked, then waved. Sian tried to strangle Jamie. Jamie dodged. (A/N: Jamie: You know, those last four sentences remind me of a 'My First Picture Book' er … book.) There was laughter, then a silence. Then suddenly ---

'I'm bored!' whined Jamie.

Sian rolled her eyes. 'Wow, what a news flash Jamie.'

They stepped out of the portrait hole and said a bright 'hello' to all the portraits around them, making sure to smile and wave. They had planned this last night. There were portraits all over Hogwarts. Should push come to shove, their being polite to all the portraits they saw could come in handy. Filch might just find his hands full with all the portraits pointing in different directions, and getting lost might never be a problem. Then they paused, realizing that they had no idea how to get to the Great Hall. Sian turned to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

'Um … Miss?' queried Sian. She waited patiently for the reply.

'Oh how delightful, you two dears actually want to call me something other than that dreadful nickname!' The Fat Lady's reply was loud and boisterous, quite like her figure. 'My name is Ulla.'

Sian decided against voicing that she knew the name 'Ulla' meant 'to fill up' because that seemed like the last thing the woman needed. Instead she stepped on Jamie's foot. It was a risky thing, because it was very likely that once you stepped on Jamie's foot, a kick from her would find its way to your legs when you could least complain about it. However, Sian didn't trust her self to speak, just in case she blurted out the above-mentioned knowledge.

A pause.

Jamie kicked Sian back, glaring at her and making her message clear. The message was: 'I don't even know what Ulla MEANS, you idiot. You didn't have to step on me. And don't you dare kick me back.'

Sian glared right back and kicked her anyway. Hard.

Jamie started, 'Oh sh---,' remembered that this was a PG fic and she didn't swear, and cut herself off. She hopped on her well foot, clutching the other and glaring menacingly at Sian all the while. Sian decided to get the directions and make a speedy exit out of there.

'So … can you help us find the Great Hall, um … Ulla?'

Jamie, having finally absorbed the pain so it didn't hurt so much any more, swatted Sian's face again. Sian, not wanting to let this escalate into a giant catfight, let it go this time, since it was only a light swat. Not much pain.

'Oh but of course my dears!' cried the Fa -- er, Ulla. 'How could I leave you stranded here?'

FIVE MINUTES AND THREE DIFFERENT SETS OF DIRECTIONS LATER

The girls set off determinedly, trying not to hold their opinion of Ulla against the other portraits.

About one hundred yards away from the Great Hall --

'So,' came a voice. 'It's the two transfers who think they can waltz in here and strut like the own the place.'

Sian and Jamie spun around and came face-to-face with Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy. 'What a way to start a morning,' Sian thought, conveniently forgetting that just a while ago, she had thought it impossible to start the day any worse than she had. In this form of deep contemplation however, Jamie said:

'Malfoy?'

'What?' he snapped.

'Did you know, it's a fact that when a bit of wood is poked into one's eye, it causes great pain and suffering to the victim?'

'Really?' he said interestedly.

'Really. Also --'

Jamie glanced at Sian. Sian had just tapped her on the back.

Sian grabbed her wand and held it up.

'Do you know what this is, Mal-ferret?'

'I -- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?'

'It's called a wand,' said Sian, ignoring Malfoy's splutter of indignation. 'It can do very powerful and magical things. And did you know that I know how to do a lot of those very powerful and magical things?'

Malfoy had turned an interesting shade of puce. Sian and Jamie had only thought that stuff like this happened only in books, but it was true! People can turn purple! Cool.

Crabbe and Goyle just stared at the two of them stupidly.

'What the matter Malfoy, ferret got your tongue?' Jamie taunted, joining in, while a malicious -- and slightly manic -- grin spread across her face. Considering the fact that Malfoy had demonstrated that the colour purple can change to red VERY quickly, Sian whispered, 'Jamie, I'm having just as much fun as you are, but I think now would be a good time to back off. He hasn't said anything too offensive.'

Jamie opened her mouth to say something back but she got cut off --

'I never said you could talk back to your betters, you filthy little MUDBLOODS!'

Sian twitched. Jamie saw this, and began to slowly back away. Just a little, though. She knew what was going to happen next, but it made her crack up every time. She moved about two feet away, then stopped and watched with interest.

Sian stormed up to Malfoy and -- smiled? But a split second later the reason for the smile became apparent. Malfoy suddenly keeled over, emitting loud groans of agony. Sian's knee was poised in mid-air, in the exact place where Malfoy's crotch had been.

Jamie bit her lip, but it did nothing to ease the great bubble of laughter welling up inside her. Sian finally lowered her knee, glanced at Jamie, and covered her ears.

Jamie cracked up.

'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!'

She collapsed to the floor, still overcome by her laughing fit.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER

Jamie's laughter was beginning to subside once she noticed that Malfoy's groans of agony were becoming less frequent. Suddenly she stopped, took one look at Malfoy's face, which was starting to turn red with anger, grabbed Sian, and ran.

To the general direction of the Great Hall. The directions they'd got from the portrait of Armando Dippet actually worked.

(A/N: Better than last time. Three and three-quarter pages.)