Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers

(A/N: Sian: Hola, mi amigas! I'm assuming you're all girls, because, well…I just assumed. And 'amigas and amigos' doesn't have the same ring to it. *grin*

Jamie: * blink*

Sian: Once again, this thingy is being dictated by me and typed by Jamie, who will sneak in her work one way or another

Jamie: DUH!)

Disclaimer: Shut up and read, you twits.

Chapter Three: Breakfast CAN take up half a chapter!

They strode into the Great Hall. There was nobody there. Except for the odd student serving early morning detention and the occasional menacing teacher. :cough: Professor McGonagall :cough:

Surprisingly, Snape wasn't there being menacing. Sian mentioned that he must have been washing his hair. Jamie tried not to choke on her laughter. She wasn't sure how someone could choke on their laughter, but she tried not to anyway.

They sat down at the table. They assumed it was a Gryffindor one. Personally, they thought that the giant lion banner was a great giveaway.

They stared at what was in front of them. There was sausages, bacon, toast, bread, a number of spreads, cereal, drinks, and porridge.

Sian made Jamie eat porridge. Sian also ate porridge. Jamie whined about having to eat porridge. Sian rolled her eyes and said, 'Come on, Jamie, it's good for you. I know it's boring, dull, and uninspiring, but let's just pry up a spoonful and begin building character!'

Jamie stared at Sian. Sian grinned sheepishly and said, 'Well that's what Dad says anyway. Okay, you don't have to eat it.'

Jamie did anyway. She knew that Sian had the incredible ability to make people feel guilty for absolutely no reason at all. If Jamie didn't eat porridge, Sian would actually HAVE a reason to make her feel guilty. Can you spell 'Hell'? Besides, with about a gallon of honey, and two pints of milk, the thing was almost actually edible!

At eight o'clock, students were finally streaming into the Hall. However, Jamie and Sian were already finished. They sat there watching this great wave of students flood into the Great Hall. Suddenly, Snape appeared in the middle of the room. To put it lightly, he didn't exactly look luminous. In fact, he looked like he'd been poured into his clothes and forgotten to say when. His hair was normally limp and greasy in the books. Snape sported an Afro. (A/N: Jamie: Whee!) His clothes were a bright pink and his nose was small. Jamie kicked Sian in the shin and whispered, 'It's not Snape, you idiot.'

Sian rolled her eyes. Jamie was looking at the wrong person. In fact, the Afro guy didn't exist. To be frank, Sian had thought that the combination of honey, milk, and disgusting porridge had finally done her in. That or the Afro really did exist.

Snape's hair hung in greasy waves onto his shoulders. His nose was red; a very becoming colour as it matched his eyes. Sian and Jamie knew Snape was pale. This was unnatural. Milk looked grayer. And he wasn't wearing school robes. He was in a very obvious pair of blue and white pinstriped pyjamas. A teddy was also cradled in his arms. One of THOSE teddies. One of those sickeningly adorable teddies, which were probably, named something stupid like 'Sir Teddieums'. In short, the formidable Snape had caught a cold. Jamie and Sian looked at each other and ducked under the table. Jamie and Sian came up, gasping for air.

'I think I cracked a rib,' said Jamie.

'I think I cracked three,' said Sian.

They looked at each other and had to duck under the table again.

(A/N: Sian: For you sick perverted people, (you know who you are!) THEY ARE ONLY Laughing!!!!)

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting there eating breakfast. Sian and Jamie stared at them, bored out of their wits. First class was – wait for it - … DIVINATION.

Oh, the wonderful class of Divination! And Professor Trelawney was SUCH a nice woman! Great teacher, too.

* Blurk *

Sorry, I had to do that. Anyway…

Sian and Jamie decided to get a head start in finding this unknown Tower. They bid their munching friends farewell and ducked as Ron accidentally sprayed them with food. Porridge with a mixture of sugar, strawberry jam, raspberry jam, honey, and milk, to be exact.

The slightly queasy friends began to walk and walk and walk. And walk some more. And they – guessed it – entered the trapdoor.

Sian tried to hold on to Jamie to stop herself from fainting. She knew the smell was overpowering, she didn't know it was THAT overpowering. The problem was, however, trying to hold on to Jamie (note: the operative word being 'trying'). Jamie would often dart out from under you, leaving you to crash to your doom.

Jamie darted out from under Sian.

Sian hovered there for a moment.

Then she crashed to her doom.

'Ow,'

'Oops,' said Jamie. 'Sor-ry!'

'Sorry my a – donkey,' said Sian. 'Something's lying on top of me.'

'What the fish?' said Jamie. 'Didn't YOU fall down?'

'Yeah, and something fell on top of me, you great fishing idiot,'

Jamie stuck her tongue out at Sian. For a moment she considered leaving Sian there. But her curiosity won out. 'What's on top of you?'

'If I knew,' said Sian, 'would I have said 'something' is on top of me? No, I would have said something like 'Hagrid's ancient cousin from Bermuda is on top of me,' not 'something'. Pay attention for a change.'

'Blah.' Said Jamie.

She climbed down the ladder, which took longer than it should have (she wanted to make Sian suffer), and to her great surprise, a giant of a man was on top of Sian. Sian couldn't see this. Her face was buried into the cold stone floor. The thing – the man – had wild, tangled black hair, a forest of a beard, and tiny black beetle eyes. He wore a wide-brimmed straw hat and Hawaiian clothes.

The thing stood up. I mean the man stood up. He was huge. He was about three or four times as wide as your average man and about two or three times as tall. He opened his mouth and said,

'Sorry about that. I'm Suebur, Rubeus's long-lost ancient cousin from Bermuda. I got a little lost.'

'This is not happening,' moaned Sian, who had got up and was staring in abject horror at the man in front of her. It wasn't that she had anything against giants with wide-brimmed straw hats and Hawaiian clothes. It was the fact that he was Hagrid's ancient cousin from Bermuda that had her gobsmacked.

'There, there,' said Jamie, albeit distractedly. 'Hagrid is in the school grounds.'

'How will I find him?' said Suebur.

'Trust me,' said Sian. 'You can't miss him. He makes a 'big' impression on people.'

Jamie snickered.

Once again, they crawled up the ladder. This time, Sian held her nose.