~*HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS*~
(A/N: I'm not sorry about not updating since March. It's not like anyone actually reads this fic.
It's not even like anyone actually reads author's notes.
So what's the point of typing author's notes anyway?
Sian, the reason I'm not bothered to insert the accent is because it's annoying to keep clicking 'Insert, Symbol' and all that. And before you start telling me again that I should just go to AutoCorrect and change that, I can't. Every time I try to do that my screen goes dark and then it shows a blue screen which says something like 'An error has occurred in Windows, press any key to continue. If you press CTRL+ALT+DEL all unsaved information in programs running will be lost.' So I press a key but it keeps showing that screen, so I have no choice but to restart. And I can't even press CTRL+ALT+DEL; I have to press the restart button manually on the computer.
That was a long paragraph.
Anyway, here's chapter four.)
~Disclaimer: I'm getting sick of typing disclaimers every chapter. See the prologue for the disclaimer.~
HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS
Chapter Four: How to Turn on a Computer
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.
Because Trelawney now had her job back, she and Firenze were alternating lessons. Trelawney taught one, Firenze taught one. And so on.
Today the Gryffindor sixth-years had Trelawney.
'Welcome,' said Professor Trelawney. Some of the mistiness had gone from her voice now, since she'd been fired last year. Professor Dumbledore had given her the job back, though, as she refused point-blank to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not that Dumbledore had ever asked her to take the DADA opening, though.
Not even that she'd refused to take the DADA opening point-blank. She hadn't even thought of taking the job.
... Forget it.
Anyway.
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.
Especially since they were doing something with miniature Christmas trees today. Even though it was nowhere near Christmas.
'Select one tree from the shelf. Take it back to your table. Use the knife I have placed there to cut up the tree lengthwise into exactly three parts. Then select a cup – blue, preferably – and fill it with boiling water, which is over there.' Professor Trelawney pointed to the kettle thingy on her desk. 'Then take three individual mistletoe leaves and place them gently one by one on top of the water so they float.'
'For once the instructions require at least half a brain to complete,' Sian muttered to Harry, still pinching her nose. He stifled a small snort of laughter.
'Next you will gently poke them into the water so they sink, after leaving them for precisely thirty-two point three eight nine seconds. Slowly mix these around the cup five times, alternating hands with the right hand first, then turn the cup upside down on your saucer and wait until the water begins to overflow over the edge of the saucer. Wait for four drops to fall onto the table, then turn the cup right way up again and swill the leaves around – they should still be intact – twice with the right hand. Read the patterns in your partner's cup, as you will be foretelling their, undoubtedly dark and frightening (here she glanced at Harry), future. Please refer to page two hundred fifty-four in your textbook 'Unfogging the Future' for the correct interpretations.'
A stunned silence followed this speech. Except, of course, for Parvati and Lavender. They had already selected two trees from the shelf and started cutting them up with painstaking precision.
Dean Thomas raised his hand. 'Professor?'
'Yes? You have a question?' said Professor Trelawney, turning to him.
'Could you repeat that, please? I didn't quite understand it.'
Professor Trelawney looked highly offended. Parvati and Lavender glared at him.
Sian choked.
'Bay I be excuzd?' she asked, raising her free hand, with the other tightly clamped over her nose.
Parvati and Lavender reverted their angry gazes to her.
'Yes,' said Trelawney stiffly.
~~~~~~~~~~
After Divination, Ron had predicted that Harry would soon be 'attacked by a herd of rampaging bulls'. Ron glanced at Harry's cup again and asked 'What the heck is a bull?'
Jamie didn't have a partner, so she did her own prediction. She foretold her future as 'undoubtedly bright and sunny, with a few showers of rain here and there. Bring an umbrella out on September the eighth, October thirty-first, and December the second, as on those days, it will undoubtedly be raining.'
'I think you're predicting the weather,' said Harry, overhearing Jamie's predictions.
'Very badly, I might add,' said Ron.
Jamie pretended to look highly offended, like Professor Trelawney.
Harry and Ron almost let Professor Trelawney overhear them laughing. They just barely stopped themselves, luckily.
~~~~~~~~~~
REALLY AFTER DIVINATION THIS TIME
Sian had opened the trapdoor just as the bell rang.
Ron narrowly avoided squashing her head as he hurried down the ladder.
'Oops! Sorry,' he said, as he almost shoved a foot into her face.
Harry, however, did step on her head.
Hopefully it was accidental.
'GET OFF ME,' said a muffled voice angrily.
'Oops.'
'HARRY! GET YOUR KNEE OUT OF MY FACE!!!'
'Okay, okay, fine!'
Sian jumped off the ladder, making Harry fall off.
'Ow.'
'Sor-ry,' said Sian sarcastically.
Harry raised his face from the floor and stuck his tongue out at her.
Sian stuck her tongue out right back.
They then proceeded to have a make-the-weirdest-face-you-can-until-someone- comes-along-and-yells-at-you-to-stop contest.
Jamie rolled her eyes.
'Okay guys, quit it,' she said. 'This is getting too weird.'
Sian and Harry stuck out their tongues at her.
Jamie rolled her eyes again.
'Anyone up for lunch?' said Ron, joining them.
~~~~~~~~~~
'That was good,' said Ron, wiping the flecks off food off his face with the sleeve of his robe.
Harry burped.
'You two have the most disgusting manners I have ever seen,' said Hermione.
'Tell me about it,' said Jamie.
Sian made a face.
'Did you get the email I sent you?' Hermione asked Jamie.
'How do you use those things anyway?' said Ron.
'It's simple,' said Sian. 'First you turn it on –'
'How?'
'What do you mean how?'
'I mean how do you turn them on?'
Sian facepalmed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, having a slightly better understanding of computers than Ron, showed him how to turn it on back in their dormitory.
'Now what?'
'We wait for it to load.'
'Load?'
'I mean, er . . .'
'You don't know how to use it, do you?'
'No more than you do, Ron,' said Sian, suddenly appearing in the doorway.
'You're not supposed to be in here!' said Ron.
Sian shrugged. 'So?'
'Er . . .'
'Look. Just wait for it to show everything on the screen it's supposed to show, then I'll teach you how to use it.'
'Fine.'
The computer finished loading.
Jamie stepped into the dormitory. 'Hey, no fair! You got an Apple iMac! We only got a Windows 98 in our dorm!'
'Hmm . . .' pondered Sian. 'Well if it's an Apple iMac then I haven't the faintest idea how to use it,' said Sian. 'Not really. I use Windows at home.'
'I'll show you! My old school used iMacs,' said Jamie. 'And when I came here they JUST happened to have upgraded to newer iMacs! AND they'd finished building the swimming pool! And it's an indoor swimming pool too, with a view of the harbour!'
'You hate swimming,' said Sian.
'That's not the point,' said Jamie. 'Now what exactly do you want to do?' she said, addressing Harry and Ron.
'Er . . .'
'Use it,' said Ron.
'I KNOW that, but how do you want to use it?'
'Er . . .'
'Oh forget it,' said Jamie. 'I'll just show you how to access your magi- mail account and the chat room.'
'What?' said Ron, confused.
'Just watch.'
Jamie clicked on 'Netvigator Communicator 4.0' and an Internet browser instantly popped up.
'This computer is WAAAAYYY faster than my computer at home,' commented Jamie, typing '; in the address bar. She pressed 'Enter', and the page instantly loaded.
'WAAAYYYYYYY faster,' she said again.
The page now showed a 'This page will be coming soon. This address has been recently reserved' thingy. Jamie raised an eyebrow.
She typed a password (not into a text box, she just typed it, and no, I can't tell you what it is), pressed a certain combination of keys (which I can't tell you) and the real Hogwarts page loaded.
'Just as an example, I'll log into my account,' she said, typing 'jc_gryff' into the username box. She entered her password and pressed 'Enter'.
'I know your password!' said Ron triumphantly.
'What is it?' said Jamie coolly.
'It's –'
''Password', yes,' said Jamie. 'Don't ask. It's just easy to remember, okay?'
'But then anyone can log into your account,' frowned Harry. 'It's the first thing hackers type when they're trying to access someone else's account.'
'That's what you think,' said Sian.
'What d'you mean?' said Ron.
'That's not actually true, you know,' said Jamie.
'See,' said Sian, 'When hackers try to hack into someone's account, they usually think that the password 'password' is so stupid and easy to guess, that no one would use it.'
'Oh.'
'ANYWAY,' said Jamie. 'Here's how you check your mail.'
'That looks almost identical to Hotmail,' said Sian, looking at the monitor.
'That's probably what Hogwarts based its layout on,' said Jamie, clicking on 'My Messages'.
'What's Hotmail?' Ron and Harry asked.
'Don't ask,' said Sian and Jamie simultaneously.
'Too late, we already did,' said Harry.
END OF CHAPTER FOUR
(A/N: By my standards, that was quite a long chapter. It's about five pages. Usually I only get up to four pages, on average.
For some reason, I seem to think that people are more compelled to read author's notes if they're at the end.
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(A/N: I'm not sorry about not updating since March. It's not like anyone actually reads this fic.
It's not even like anyone actually reads author's notes.
So what's the point of typing author's notes anyway?
Sian, the reason I'm not bothered to insert the accent is because it's annoying to keep clicking 'Insert, Symbol' and all that. And before you start telling me again that I should just go to AutoCorrect and change that, I can't. Every time I try to do that my screen goes dark and then it shows a blue screen which says something like 'An error has occurred in Windows, press any key to continue. If you press CTRL+ALT+DEL all unsaved information in programs running will be lost.' So I press a key but it keeps showing that screen, so I have no choice but to restart. And I can't even press CTRL+ALT+DEL; I have to press the restart button manually on the computer.
That was a long paragraph.
Anyway, here's chapter four.)
~Disclaimer: I'm getting sick of typing disclaimers every chapter. See the prologue for the disclaimer.~
HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS
Chapter Four: How to Turn on a Computer
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.
Because Trelawney now had her job back, she and Firenze were alternating lessons. Trelawney taught one, Firenze taught one. And so on.
Today the Gryffindor sixth-years had Trelawney.
'Welcome,' said Professor Trelawney. Some of the mistiness had gone from her voice now, since she'd been fired last year. Professor Dumbledore had given her the job back, though, as she refused point-blank to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not that Dumbledore had ever asked her to take the DADA opening, though.
Not even that she'd refused to take the DADA opening point-blank. She hadn't even thought of taking the job.
... Forget it.
Anyway.
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.
Especially since they were doing something with miniature Christmas trees today. Even though it was nowhere near Christmas.
'Select one tree from the shelf. Take it back to your table. Use the knife I have placed there to cut up the tree lengthwise into exactly three parts. Then select a cup – blue, preferably – and fill it with boiling water, which is over there.' Professor Trelawney pointed to the kettle thingy on her desk. 'Then take three individual mistletoe leaves and place them gently one by one on top of the water so they float.'
'For once the instructions require at least half a brain to complete,' Sian muttered to Harry, still pinching her nose. He stifled a small snort of laughter.
'Next you will gently poke them into the water so they sink, after leaving them for precisely thirty-two point three eight nine seconds. Slowly mix these around the cup five times, alternating hands with the right hand first, then turn the cup upside down on your saucer and wait until the water begins to overflow over the edge of the saucer. Wait for four drops to fall onto the table, then turn the cup right way up again and swill the leaves around – they should still be intact – twice with the right hand. Read the patterns in your partner's cup, as you will be foretelling their, undoubtedly dark and frightening (here she glanced at Harry), future. Please refer to page two hundred fifty-four in your textbook 'Unfogging the Future' for the correct interpretations.'
A stunned silence followed this speech. Except, of course, for Parvati and Lavender. They had already selected two trees from the shelf and started cutting them up with painstaking precision.
Dean Thomas raised his hand. 'Professor?'
'Yes? You have a question?' said Professor Trelawney, turning to him.
'Could you repeat that, please? I didn't quite understand it.'
Professor Trelawney looked highly offended. Parvati and Lavender glared at him.
Sian choked.
'Bay I be excuzd?' she asked, raising her free hand, with the other tightly clamped over her nose.
Parvati and Lavender reverted their angry gazes to her.
'Yes,' said Trelawney stiffly.
~~~~~~~~~~
After Divination, Ron had predicted that Harry would soon be 'attacked by a herd of rampaging bulls'. Ron glanced at Harry's cup again and asked 'What the heck is a bull?'
Jamie didn't have a partner, so she did her own prediction. She foretold her future as 'undoubtedly bright and sunny, with a few showers of rain here and there. Bring an umbrella out on September the eighth, October thirty-first, and December the second, as on those days, it will undoubtedly be raining.'
'I think you're predicting the weather,' said Harry, overhearing Jamie's predictions.
'Very badly, I might add,' said Ron.
Jamie pretended to look highly offended, like Professor Trelawney.
Harry and Ron almost let Professor Trelawney overhear them laughing. They just barely stopped themselves, luckily.
~~~~~~~~~~
REALLY AFTER DIVINATION THIS TIME
Sian had opened the trapdoor just as the bell rang.
Ron narrowly avoided squashing her head as he hurried down the ladder.
'Oops! Sorry,' he said, as he almost shoved a foot into her face.
Harry, however, did step on her head.
Hopefully it was accidental.
'GET OFF ME,' said a muffled voice angrily.
'Oops.'
'HARRY! GET YOUR KNEE OUT OF MY FACE!!!'
'Okay, okay, fine!'
Sian jumped off the ladder, making Harry fall off.
'Ow.'
'Sor-ry,' said Sian sarcastically.
Harry raised his face from the floor and stuck his tongue out at her.
Sian stuck her tongue out right back.
They then proceeded to have a make-the-weirdest-face-you-can-until-someone- comes-along-and-yells-at-you-to-stop contest.
Jamie rolled her eyes.
'Okay guys, quit it,' she said. 'This is getting too weird.'
Sian and Harry stuck out their tongues at her.
Jamie rolled her eyes again.
'Anyone up for lunch?' said Ron, joining them.
~~~~~~~~~~
'That was good,' said Ron, wiping the flecks off food off his face with the sleeve of his robe.
Harry burped.
'You two have the most disgusting manners I have ever seen,' said Hermione.
'Tell me about it,' said Jamie.
Sian made a face.
'Did you get the email I sent you?' Hermione asked Jamie.
'How do you use those things anyway?' said Ron.
'It's simple,' said Sian. 'First you turn it on –'
'How?'
'What do you mean how?'
'I mean how do you turn them on?'
Sian facepalmed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, having a slightly better understanding of computers than Ron, showed him how to turn it on back in their dormitory.
'Now what?'
'We wait for it to load.'
'Load?'
'I mean, er . . .'
'You don't know how to use it, do you?'
'No more than you do, Ron,' said Sian, suddenly appearing in the doorway.
'You're not supposed to be in here!' said Ron.
Sian shrugged. 'So?'
'Er . . .'
'Look. Just wait for it to show everything on the screen it's supposed to show, then I'll teach you how to use it.'
'Fine.'
The computer finished loading.
Jamie stepped into the dormitory. 'Hey, no fair! You got an Apple iMac! We only got a Windows 98 in our dorm!'
'Hmm . . .' pondered Sian. 'Well if it's an Apple iMac then I haven't the faintest idea how to use it,' said Sian. 'Not really. I use Windows at home.'
'I'll show you! My old school used iMacs,' said Jamie. 'And when I came here they JUST happened to have upgraded to newer iMacs! AND they'd finished building the swimming pool! And it's an indoor swimming pool too, with a view of the harbour!'
'You hate swimming,' said Sian.
'That's not the point,' said Jamie. 'Now what exactly do you want to do?' she said, addressing Harry and Ron.
'Er . . .'
'Use it,' said Ron.
'I KNOW that, but how do you want to use it?'
'Er . . .'
'Oh forget it,' said Jamie. 'I'll just show you how to access your magi- mail account and the chat room.'
'What?' said Ron, confused.
'Just watch.'
Jamie clicked on 'Netvigator Communicator 4.0' and an Internet browser instantly popped up.
'This computer is WAAAAYYY faster than my computer at home,' commented Jamie, typing '; in the address bar. She pressed 'Enter', and the page instantly loaded.
'WAAAYYYYYYY faster,' she said again.
The page now showed a 'This page will be coming soon. This address has been recently reserved' thingy. Jamie raised an eyebrow.
She typed a password (not into a text box, she just typed it, and no, I can't tell you what it is), pressed a certain combination of keys (which I can't tell you) and the real Hogwarts page loaded.
'Just as an example, I'll log into my account,' she said, typing 'jc_gryff' into the username box. She entered her password and pressed 'Enter'.
'I know your password!' said Ron triumphantly.
'What is it?' said Jamie coolly.
'It's –'
''Password', yes,' said Jamie. 'Don't ask. It's just easy to remember, okay?'
'But then anyone can log into your account,' frowned Harry. 'It's the first thing hackers type when they're trying to access someone else's account.'
'That's what you think,' said Sian.
'What d'you mean?' said Ron.
'That's not actually true, you know,' said Jamie.
'See,' said Sian, 'When hackers try to hack into someone's account, they usually think that the password 'password' is so stupid and easy to guess, that no one would use it.'
'Oh.'
'ANYWAY,' said Jamie. 'Here's how you check your mail.'
'That looks almost identical to Hotmail,' said Sian, looking at the monitor.
'That's probably what Hogwarts based its layout on,' said Jamie, clicking on 'My Messages'.
'What's Hotmail?' Ron and Harry asked.
'Don't ask,' said Sian and Jamie simultaneously.
'Too late, we already did,' said Harry.
END OF CHAPTER FOUR
(A/N: By my standards, that was quite a long chapter. It's about five pages. Usually I only get up to four pages, on average.
For some reason, I seem to think that people are more compelled to read author's notes if they're at the end.
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)