Well, it sure has been a while. I come forth bearing a humor fic. Please enjoy. And I can't imagine anyone thinking I own Golden Sun.
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Swift. Powerful. Some could call it the most fearsome of all creations. But many mysteries are left unsolved about this creature. I am here before you all to atempt to solve one of them: the gender of the Fusion Dragon.
My quest for further knowledge of the Fusion Dragon would span the length of several weeks. Such a monster is quite an elusive one, and this would prove no easy task. So, with not many leads, my search began in Vale.
I spent a few days in this quiet town researching the Fusion Dragon. Unfortunately, most books with titles related to the topic included, "Fusion Dragon, Effective Evasive Actions in an Encounter," and "Why Humans and the Fusion Dragon Don't Mix." Well, if I wanted to get to know this thing, I'd have to get up close and personal. After futile attempts to read up on this thing, I decided to interview the residents of Veil. Wait.. Vile? Vivid? Oh, who cares anyway? Darn people with wierd-ass town names...
I questioned several people in the town square. The average stare response induced by the mentioning of a "Fusion Dragon" was 7.6 seconds. It was followed by slowly backing up and not breaking eye contact. I suspect some think I'm crazy. I DID happen to see men in white coats apparently looking for someone. Conclusion: my search for knowledge in Veal was over. Next stop: Vault.
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I now know why the town is called Vault. It has 67 freakin' prison cells! What the hell are they waiting for?! Take your criminal to work day?! Well, whatever the case, I decided to check a room at the inn for a night. I needed to tend to some minor wounds. On the trip over to this place, asking small monsters if they knew of the Fusion Dragon resulted in scratches and bites. Damn critters. The next morning bore another small snag. I planned to get to the library at opening, so I checked out of my room, but forgot to "fall back" and arrived at the library doors an hour too soon. I killed the hour by taking a tour featuring the history and landmarks of Vault. It bored me dizzy. In my opinion, a prison that almost houses the entire population of this place is a landmark enough. Before I knew it, the Tour-Guided-by-the-Most-Energetic-and-Uppity-Docent-in-the-Whole-Damn-Weyard ended. Lightheaded from such torture, I stumbled toward the library. The doors were open. Finally, I thought. Now to get down to business.
The library was small, but I hit paydirt. "Anatomical View at Monsters." Bingo. The table of contents had several sections. Small and common creatures. Nope. I flipped the page. Large beasts. Getting there. And then, on the next page, was Rare and Mythical Monsters: 127-174. Succes! FD, here I come, I thought. I sped through the pages, and tingled with excitement. I could make out a picture of the Fusion Dragon through the thin page in front of it. Slowly, I turned the piece of paper......
...to discover that the page was annihilated by someone's spilled cola. The ink letters mingled together more than that of a stuck-up social gathering. My search had been set back significantly. I closed the book and ran to the librarian. "Do you have any more copies of this book?" I pleaded. The old man glanced at the title, and chuckled. I breathed a sigh of relief. He must've been laughing at the sheer numbers of copies of this thing. Probably overordered by accidentally adding a zero to the number, I thought to myself. The librarian held the book up to me, with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. I was getting a little wary.
"I used to be a monster hunter," he replied. My face paled. I said a four and a half second prayer begging this wasn't what I thought it was. My prayer wasn't answered. "Never killed the things, no, I documented them! Discovered 'em! I journeyed far and-" Practically against my will, I felt my mouth curl upwards into a big smile and I nodded. Heaven only knows how long I did that. "...and right when it was about to slash me to pieces with that gnarled claw, I..." My eye twitched. However, that bottomless windbag eventually ended his tale of mythical proportions, and with a big smile and wave, I gave a joyous goodbye to the librarian from the doors. I calmly rounded the courner, and took a deep breath. And RAN. I didn't care where I went, I had to get far from that library. I ended up by a coffee bar in the far side of town, that served an almost restricting array of different things. After such an awefuI day, I decided to order a drink. When I got up to leave, those bastards played a trick on me and put two identical hats right next to mine. And they were illusionary, too! But after seven tries I figured out which one was mine, and on my way out muttered under my breath how bastardly they were. Bastards.
I awoke the next morning behind the bar. Six sips from a seemingly harmless club soda ended up like this? Or I might have ordered the "Potion Surprise" by accident. I scribbled in my notebook to never go there again. Time to go for plan B: interviews. Most of the people here wouldn't let me get past, "Excuse me, but may I ask-" However, one man was friendly enough to let me ask him of the Fusion Dragon. The man was a little sruffy and unkempt, but, hey, don't judge a book by it's cover? The man told me he knew everything about the Fusion Dragon. My heart skipped a beat. He assured me that one day the dragon would decend from its cloud lair in the skies and distribute pain-killers and dime novels to all of the meek and underprivileged. ...Well, okay, judge a book if the cover says "I'm a Big, Crazy Lunatic." I told him that some friends that would like to meet him would come soon wearing white coats. Thus ended my stay in Vault.
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Where to next? Why, none other than Bilibin! The city seemed... normal. Enough, I hope. Turns out this place has a king! First person to go to, my instinct told me. He said he couldn't help me, but some journeying warriors that he met recently might be able to. Excellent. I headed out in hopes of catching up to them after questioning people resulted in several tall tales about the Fusion Dragon. Entertaining, but irrelevant nonetheless.
On the way to the next town, I encountered some travelers! Scary looking, but maybe scary people know of scary monsters? I aproached and called to them. Their responses were glares. They told me a puny whimp like me had no business asking of the Fusion Dragon. I replied with a remark that refered to them as "Mohawk" and "Makeup."
They force-fed me my notebook. Ow.
Kolima, a wierd town fashioned inside trees, was fruitless. However, a common story they liked to tell me instead of the Fusion Dragon was one of a time when everyone was turned into trees from falling crystals and the only way you could talk to them was to read their minds and hear what they were thinking, and the curse was lifted when a giant tree was killed.
"..."
"..."
...On the road again...
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Nine days, a swarm of bees, a near drowning incident, and one jelly bean later, I end up in Tolbi. Big town. However, this place does not come without its quirks. The place is ruled by a 114 year old man, who is delirious about some sort of magical draft. Well, I guess to some beer is pretty magical. He said it slowed aging. But taking a look at that guy's face makes me think booze does anything but slow aging. Really.
Well, well. As I just have found out big towns like these have casinos. The sign by the door read: Roll the dice and WIN WIN WIN!! Hm... Something as easy as rolling dice and winning money has to be rigged somehow. I wrote down in my new notebook: Stay away from casinos.
Asked around if a group of traveling warriors was seen in the city. Turns out, I just missed them. Sounds like quite an odd bunch. A mute leader, an arrogant overeater, a know-it-all with a growth problem, and healer that worries too much.
...And they're out to save the world. God help us.
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Good Lord, I had no idea deserts were so hot. I hope I find this sucker, and fast. Three times have I snagged my leg on these blasted cactuses! And what in the world are these weird sand waterfalls doing here? And where does the sand come from? Is there some sort of pumping facility carved into the rock? And what for? The farther I travel, the stranger everything is getting.
Okay, I can understand a dust devil. I certainly believe lizards reside in deserts. I might be able to comprehend those lizards making the dust devils. BUT HOW THE HELL does throwing my ONLY bottle of Dasini water at the damn thing make it go away?! And then I had to deal with the lizard! Stupid lizard nailed me like a flyswatter. I'm glad to say I managed to make it to the next town. I couldn't believe what happened in this wind-torn village. I saw Mohawk and Makeup! And they mentioned the warriors! And they mentioned the Fusion Dragon! I asked them if I could interview them.
They force-fed me my audio equipment. Ow.
Did the usual routine: library, questioning passersby, asking about warriors. A few odds and ends here and there. I was gonna solve this mystery or die trying.
Success!! An armed group of four leaving the north end of town! I ran to catch up with them, and got their attention. "I don't suppose you know of the Fusion Dragon?" I eagerly asked. I received blank stares.
"A what dragon?" The freakishly spikey-haired one asked. It was my turn with a blank stare.
"The...Fusion Dragon...you know... It has two heads? And it's... really big?" Nothing. The short blonde spoke.
"I would hesitate to interrupt, but we must dispense with diversions from the hoi polloi as they are irrelevant to the task at hand." ...What the hell?
"Uh, ok. Thanks anyways." And without another word, they left. But I wasn't done with them. I followed them to this crusty looking tower. The workers there said it's an ancient lighthouse. Dumbasses. How could it possibly be a lighthouse if it's made of stone? I mean, seriously, folks.
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Jeez, this place is like a labyrinth. What the heck are they trying to hide anyway? The all the power of the world? Well, whatever it is, it's got to be good. I feel a cold draft. Must be getting close to the top.
There's the warriors! Hm... They're talking to someone. Must be important. Gosh, they're taking forever. What requires so much debate? Fiscal Policy? Sheesh.
Wow. The mute dude just bitch-slapped Mohawk across the face! It's an all out brawl! Whoever comes out of this alive ain't gonna look too pretty.
Dang. Those two were owned. But, they're smiling. Looks like they're down but not out. An ace up their sleeve, perhaps?
Holy crap! Mohawk and Makeup just morphed into the Fusion Dragon! I cautiously advanced to get a better look at the battle. Maybe how it fights will help me determine the gender of this baddie. Good heavens. It assumed the behavior of a meteor and crash landed on the "lighthouse." ...Is a meteor masculine or feminine?
Oh, crap, the warriors and FD discovered me. They directed their attacks solely on me for AT LEAST six turns. Jerks. But what is up with the turn order deal?! Is there some sort of etiquette to fighting? Pardon me, while I ready my blow? How bout they extend their pinkies whilst their weapons raised?
Oh, by the way, doctors say I'm stabilizing and should be out of the hospital by June. But I did it. After careful analysis, observation, and studying of this creature, I have determined the gender of the Fusion Dragon to be...
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--CRUNCHFWIPPYFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP--
"...What the hell? What happened to the movie?!"
"...Budget didn't allow for the last seven seconds of the documentary. Sorry, Mid."
"AAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!"
The End
It was dumb, wasn't it? Hope you liked it anyway. Please leave a review, and I might do another like this later.
And remember, if you want me to do another, it's very important to tell me your likes and dislikes of the fic.