Chapter one
Jack Muller was not one of nature's cowards. At least, not in the physical sense of the word. He was the type of man what would quite happily dive into a drunken brawl with a man twice his size but all the misses had to say was: 'like a bloody river it was!' and he'd be squirming like a sissy. Even so, as the army of dead men marched towards him he couldn't help but re-decorate his boxers a new shade of brown.
Desperately he re-loaded his bazookoid and aimed it at the nearest figure. "Get back yer dirty deady!" Jack yelled and fired a 'warning' shot straight into its chest. The hologramatic man stumbled backward into another two who caught him and set him back onto his feet. Un- deterred by the blast in the chest the hologramatic man and his army continued their advance.
'Damn!' Jack swore and for the first time in his life he ran away from a fight. He had no idea where he was running to, but that didn't seem very important so long as he was as far away from the dead men as humanly possible. For a first time coward Jack was doing very well.
The Lazarus' flashing red alarms and ear splitting siren confused him as he fled and he soon found himself totally disorientated some three floors above his starting position. 'This is ridiculous,' Jack thought angrily, 'I'm the smegging security guard! I could find my way around this station whilst drunk and blindfolded. Actually I HAVE found my way around this ship drunk and blindfolded! What the smeg's wrong with me?' After a few moments desperate searching he soon found a familiar landmark. The 'Artificial Virus' lab.
It was at this point that something unusual happened to Jack Muller. Even more unusual than his sole act of cowardice, even more unusual than the subjects revolting and killing his shipmates, even more unusual than an incident some two months previously involving, Jack, First Officer Paul Noelty and a spiky, tropical fruit. For the first time in his life Jack Muller used his brain.
He launched himself into the lab and headed straight for the ships computer. His thick brow knotted in concentration as he scrolled through the files to find program that he needed. 'Project Craven'
Technically the project was top-secret. Hardly any of the officers knew about it let alone the lowly security guards, but Jack had a friend in the know. A fellow member of H.A.D in fact.
"Sweet dreams deadys!" Jack muttered with a cruel smile as he set the programs timer for ten minuets and legged it off to the stasis booths.
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The others were all seated in the drive room by the time Lister slouched in, still in his heavily stained boxers and clutching his breakfast, which consisted of a three week old Vindaloo and a can of last nights larger.
He burped a 'Mornin' 'and settled down with his feet upon the console. Rimmer's lip curled at his slovenly appearance. Lister's disgraceful eating habits and poor personal hygiene were the holograms largest irritation aboard 'Red dwarf', his utter contempt for regulations coming a close second. It really wound Rimmer up that despite the fact that Holly had summoned the crew to the drive room a full half hour ago, Lister had only just stumbled in, un-dressed and wolfing down a meal that most ravenous dogs would think twice about eating, and they spend most of the time licking their own genitals.
'Surely there must be some rule against this sort of behavior.' He thought irritably but didn't voice opinions. It was too early in the morning for another 'space corp. directive' argument with that pedantic metal git, Kryten.He contented himself with a contemptuous glare in the space bums direction.
Noticing the holograms disgust Lister smiled back sarcastically, immensely pleased that his hard work had paid off. He had spent the best part of the last twenty minuets trying to find the oldest, smeggiest curry that he could and attempting to take as long as possible to get to the drive room, purely to piss Rimmer off. It was the only entertainment that he got around here.
Kryten's voice snapped his concentration back to the task at hand. "What is it Holly?" the android asked gazing up at a display monitor which was now showing what seemed to be a dilapidated space station.
The ditzy computer merely shrugged "Looks like an old, dilapidated space station to me." She replied.
"Really" Rimmer thrilled sarcastically, "Well thank goodness you're here Hol! We might have spent weeks trying to figure that one out"
Holly scowled down at him and opened her mouth for a witty retort but none sprang to mind. Three million years in deep space without any intellectual stimulation meant that any conversation beyond 'who would win out of Dangermouse and Hammy the hamster?' was a little over her head. She contented herself with poking her tongue out at him. The hologram opened his mouth to respond but she cut across him.
"Hang about, I'm getting something" she said, taking even herself by surprise. "It's an exploration vessel. 'The Lazarus' .Plenty of supplies on board. Says 'ere that they're working for the Contremort Company."
"Who?" Asked the cat, today dressed it a royal blue sequined suit and matching boots.
"The Contremort company was a scientific research company, "Kryten explained." They specialized into research into death. They were a deeply religious organization that questioned the morality of bringing dead humans back as hologramatic life forms. Originally Contremort were part of a much larger company, 'Holoform' which specialized in creating holograms. Contremort's founder, Ancelde Dieu, felt that only god had the power to create life so set up his own company to determine wither or not a hologramatic status was an extension of human life or an un-natural attempt at playing God. After years of experimenting on holograms the company just disappeared, no one knows what became of their research" He finished in a mysterious voice.
"Sorry," Rimmer said, rising to get a better look at the display, "What do you mean experimented on?"
"I mean that they experimented on holograms, sir." The android shrugged, "Which part of that are you struggling with?"
Rimmer ignored this insult on his intelligence. His eyes widened with excitement "They might have worked out a cure!"
"What?" Lister laughed skeptically "A cure for death? Come off it man!"
Rimmer shook his head defensively "They might have!" He protested. "Their technology is obviously far in advance of our own."
"Yeah but lets face it," The cat said "Most video games have technology 'far in advance of our own'!"
Rimmer groaned in frustration and rubbed the H on his forehead with a long, thin finger. It was so typical of the others. He's given a flicker of hope and they piss on it! Would it hurt them to support him for once? Would it hurt them to indulge him for one moment? No.
They didn't understand what life was like for him, how frustrating it was not to be able to touch or feel. He turned to them angrily "There might be something that could help me, to improve my life. You don't understand what it's like for me!"
"You've been going on about it for four smegging years Rimmer!" An exasperated Lister cried "Death's crap, we get the picture."
"This is just a big bloody joke to you isn't it?" Rimmer demanded then mimicked his Liverpudlian accent. "What's der big problem? Death's not de 'andicap it once was."
"It's not." Lister sighed. Rimmer opened his mouth to argue but Lister cut across, ignoring the hologram he turned to Holly. "Do we know what happened to them Hol?" He asked her. She looked thoughtful for a moment.
"We could try seeing what's on their final log" She suggested "hang on a tick"
After a moment the woman's' face disappeared and was replaced by that of a terrified officer.
'The hard light test subjects have revolted and are wiping out the crew.' He cried out desperately 'They're practically indestructible, even the bazookoids won't stop them! All is lost! As far as I know I am the only surviving crew member of… what? ……No!……No!..... Arghhh!'
"Brilliant!" Rimmer wailed as the image fizzed and faded to static. "Brill-smegging-iliant! I knew something like this'd happen. It's inhabited by un-stoppable killing machines as per bloody usual!" He slouched back dejectedly in his seat "Just once," He moaned, "could we find an intelligent life form that doesn't want to grind our bones to make its bread?!"
Though Lister loved to torture his holgramatic bunkmate even he felt slightly sorry for him. Rimmer looked so miserable. "Come on man," Lister sighed, "This happened years ago, for all we know the holograms ran out of power or something"
Rimmer looked up hopefully as Holly nodded. "He's right; there are no hologramatic life forms aboard the station. But…" She paused and looked slightly uncomfortable.
"But what?" Lister asked slowly.
"There is a human on board." She informed them. Their jaws dropped.
"How can that be?" Kryten asked disbelievingly
"He's in stasis," The computer replied. "I've got his profile 'ere, look"
A photograph of a shifty looking man filled half the screen. He was very pale, with dark features and several battle scars. Not the type of man you want to meet in a dark alley. Or any alley in fact. Next to his picture was a disturbing biography.
Name: Jack 'masher' Muller
Age: 34
Height: 6ft 2''
Weight: 14st 11lbs
Position: security
Convictions: Two years- GBH
Six months probation for attempting to insert a pineapple into a senior officer- provided that he attend psychiatric assessments and anger management course.
Additional: known member of H.A.D
"Had?" Rimmer asked Kryten. "What the smeg is had?"
"H.A.D sir. 'Humans against deadys'. They're an anti- hologram organization infamous for their attacks on holograms" The oddly shaped robot explained " They were a terrifying group of people that would often use hologramatic devices to torture their victims to within an inch of their lives and then alter the poor souls programming to disfigure them for the rest of their miserable existence."
Rimmer looked revolted "'Humans against deadys' would have sufficed!" He snapped before once again sinking into despair. "So let me get this straight, the only way for us to go down and get new supplies is to face a psychopathic, fruit wielding maniac who, given half the chance, will torture and disfigure me?"
"Where's the problem?" The cat smiled evilly.
Kryten at least had some words of comfort. "Oh, we needn't worry about Mr. Muller sir." He said scanning Holly's readout "According to this Mr. Muller is still in stasis. We will be quite safe, I assure you"
Rimmer's eyes shone with a newly rekindled hope. "And this 'hard light' thingy?" He asked "What do you suppose that is?"
"Only one way to find out!" Lister shrugged. Downing the last of the flat larger in one mighty gulp he led the way out. "Tool up boys." He ordered "we're going shopping."
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When the mechanical door of Muller's stasis booth hissed open the first sound to meet his ears was the ships computer quoting ship protocol in a jarring mechanical voice. "It is now …safe for you to emerge… from stasis. Please proceed… to the security deck for… debriefing." There was definitely something wrong. The computer wasn't supposed so sound like that. Groggily he asked it if it was feeling okay but the bald, black merely repeated its sentence.
The ship was a mess. The dimmed lights flickered and the doors jarred halfway open meaning that Jack was forced to squeeze sideways to get through them. The entire ship was decaying as though it had been left to rot for centuries. 'How long was I in there?!' Jack wondered. An enormous feeling of foreboding was welling up inside him. Desperate for answers he quickened his pace.
It was because of this rush that Jack wasn't looking where he was going and stumbled over something hard, it cracked loudly as it collided with his boots. He hit the floor painfully hard, cutting his hand on a sharp piece of debris as he fell. Cursing loudly he turned to see what had tripped him. His eyes met the hollow sockets of an ancient skeleton in a familiar uniform. It was the captain.
"Smeg!" Jack swore, retching at the horrific sight. He had already known that the crew had been wiped out but even so, he wasn't expecting them to have decomposed yet. Surely he'd only been in stasis long enough for project Craven to have taken effect hadn't he? Aghast he turned to the ships computer. "What the smeg is going on? How long was I in there?"
The head flickered on the screen "Please proceed… to.." It began but Jack cut across him.
"Tell me now!" Jack snarled dangerously, clutching his bleeding hand. "And what's up with you? Why are you flickering? And why is nothing working"
The computer appeared to take a deep breath and began to explain. "The ship is falling to bits, you were in there for three million years, and I am flickering because in about twenty minuets we'll loose all power."
"Three million years?" Jack repeated angrily "twenty minuets of power?"
"Oh good, you do understand then." The computer smiled, genuinely pleased that he'd grasped it so quickly. In situations like this most people tend to go into denial and the computer didn't really feel like spending the last twenty minuets of his life explaining that he only had twenty minuets to live.
"Why was I in there for three million years?" Jack demanded, slumping down to the floor in despair. "You were supposed to wake me up as soon as the deadys were… well dead."
"It wasn't safe," The computer replied simply, "When the Holograms became infected most of them went crazy. They blew up half the ship. It's taken me nearly three million years to bring the pressure back to normal and seal off the danger areas. We've lost decks H-K by the way."
"H-K?" Jack repeated, attempting to recall which parts of the ship they were
" The entertainment decks, "The computer prompted " But I don't suppose you're really in the mood for a spot of tennis are you?"
Jack sighed and rested his head in his bloodstained hands. This didn't seem real. He didn't mind the fact that everyone was dead so much; if he was perfectly honest he hadn't really liked half the crew. The officers were a bunch of jumped up, brown tongued pratts whose parents were more than likely related and everyone else was frightened of him. No, that wasn't what got to him. What got to him was that there was now no chance of rescue.
When he'd leapt into the stasis booth he'd assumed that in a month or two the company would send a ship from Mimas to see what was going on. Jack would be rescued and with any luck would be decorated for his brave attack on the deadys.
He hadn't expected this, lost and alone three million years into deep space with no power. Actually why hadn't they got any power? The computer was supposed to switch onto emergency power only in circumstances like this. Angrily Jack asked the computer why it hadn't done this.
"I did!" It protested "I kept enough power to steer the ship, maintain supplies and keep you alive. It was maintaining Craven that sucked up most of the juice."
"What!" Jack yelled in disbelief, " You were supposed to switch it off when the deadys were gone!"
"You didn't program me to!" The computer moaned defensively. "You didn't program me to switch it off after they were gone"
"It's common smegging sense!"
The computer scowled at him "I'm a computer" He replied sulkily "I don't have any 'common smegging sense'"
"Is it still running?" The wide eyed security guard asked quickly, casting suspicious glances down the decaying corridor as though expecting the creature to emerge suddenly and launch at him. He knew that it couldn't hurt him but he still wasn't overly keen to run into it.
"Yeah it's still running" The computer informed him and displayed security footage of the creature. Jacks boxers got a second coat.
"I wouldn't worry too much though, "The computer said sympathetically, "It'll be dead in twenty minuets."
"He's not the only one is he?" Jack muttered "There isn't enough oxygen to keep me alive is there?"
The computer shook its head.
"Smeg!" Jack wailed. "Why did you bring me back? Why didn't you just let me die in stasis? What was the point in bringing me back for twenty smegging minuets?"
"You're about to be rescued." The computer informed him. Jacks head snapped towards the screen looking totally bewildered so the head decided to elaborate. "There's a vessel headed over from the Jupiter mining ship the Red Dwarf"
"The Red Dwarf?" Jack breathed.
"Do you know it?" Asked the computer.
Jack nodded. "I've heard of it yeah, it just disappeared one day. No one knows where it went"
"I don't know where it went." The computer shrugged "But I know where it is and it's sending over a rescue party."
"Crew?"
"One mechanoid, two humanoid and…" The computer trailed off looking shifty.
"And?" Jack pressed him
"And one Hologram." It relented
Jacks face twisted into an evil grin "A deady!" He smiled. "Computer, are the holowhips still working?"
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