Thanks for the reviews :)
Chapter two
As starbug eased gingerly into the Lazarus's decrepit landing bay the fearful crew held its breath. Well, apart from Kryten of course who didn't need to breath and Rimmer, who was by this stage hyperventilating.
"It isn't safe!" He moaned, cowering behind his console. "The whole place could come down any second!"
The robot shook his head reassuringly and engaged the landing procedure. "Nonsense sir," He smiled as the ship gave a terrifying shudder. "I assure you, we're in no danger at all"
"Oh well," Rimmer cried sarcastically from his hiding place, "If Captain Bog-bot say's it's safe then it must be! He's never been wrong before has he?"
"I'm not quite sure what you mean sir!" Kryten replied, flustered by the holograms sudden attack. Kyrten had always done his best to keep the others safe and couldn't remember any occasion in which his bad judgment had led the crew into danger.
Unfortunately Rimmer could. "Remember the DNA machine?" He demanded then mimicked the robots mechanical, American accent. "No need to engage your panic chip sir… I assure you its quite safe."
"But sir, that didn't affect you."
"No," Rimmer relented "But the curry monster that we created trying to get you back has left its mark!"
"And that's just in his underpants!" The cat put in.
Lister shook his head and rose to support Kryten. Rimmer was always having a go at him and he never stood up for himself. It didn't seem right. Angrily he turned to the cowering hologram.
"Testing the machine on the curry was your idea you smeghead. Stop blaming Kryten. If he say's its safe then it's safe!"
"Erm.." Holly interrupted them pulling an apologetic face "It's not safe."
"What?!" The boys demanded in unison.
Rimmer sank back even lower into his hidey-hole. "It's going to blow up isn't it?" He moaned "Oh smeg!"
"No, "Holly shook her head. "It's not going to blow up.. well not yet anyway.. you've got at least fifteen minuets.. even then it might not blow up… It'll probably just break apart or something" She rambled. Rather than let this continue until whatever the problem was had become an emergency, Lister decided to interrupt.
"HOLLY!" He shouted at her "What's the problem?"
"Well it's not a 'problem' as such.." She said, avoiding his gaze.
"Why can we never get a straight answer out of you?" Rimmer sighed, finally rising from under the console. "It's like trying to talk to a bloody politician! Every time we need to find something out we have to turn into Jeremy- sodding- Paxman!"
"Why is it unsafe?" Lister asked in a tired and exasperated tone.
"It's not" She replied.
"Not what?" Rimmer snapped.
"It's not unsafe."
Rimmer groaned and rested his head in his hands as he sank back into his seat. "It's finally happened! She's finally lost it!" He moaned "She'll be forgetting her own name next, sending us around in circles for weeks! I say we 'old yeller' it before she turns into a goldfish completely."
"NO!" Lister protested looking scandalized. He was as frustrated by the computers increasing senility as Rimmer but he still didn't feel that they should switch her off. She reminded him a little of his granny back in Liverpool when he was a kid. She'd gone senile.
He'd come home from bunking off school one day to find her sitting on the roof claiming she was Batman. It'd taken fifteen firemen and a tranquilizer dart that could've floored an elephant to get her down. She was a big woman, nana Lister.
Turning to the computer Lister sighed and used the same soothing, slightly patronizing tone he'd used on his grandmother whenever he was trying to get her to take her knickers off of her head. "Please Hol," he begged "Is it safe for us to go out there?"
The computer took a deep breath. "Yes." she nodded. They all sagged with relief "unless you're Rimmer"
"What?!" Rimmer demanded as the cats face twisted into an evil, satisfied grin. "Why is it not safe for me?"
"Muller's woken up." She said in an apologetic tone as Rimmers' already pale face blanched. "The Lazarus' computer saw us coming and woke 'im up so he could get rescued"
"But we're not here to rescue him." Kyrten protested "The cheek of that computer! Honestly, do manner chips count for nothing these days?"
"What do we do?" Lister asked "do we take him with us?"
"Don't be a gimboid Lister!" Rimmer shot at him shrilly "He's an evil psychopath that wants to kill me!"
"So we just leave him to die?" Lister asked angrily. The words were barely out of his mouth before he'd realized what a stupid thing it was to ask Rimmer. Of course Rimmer would say yes. He'd say yes if it were his own mother left alone on the space station. 'Actually most people would leave Mrs Rimmer on the station' Lister corrected himself 'Maybe that's a bad example. The point is that any decent person couldn't leave another to die' But Rimmer wasn't a decent person.
Rimmer was a manipulative, sniveling excuse for a man that would weasel and blackmail his way out of anything that he could, including this.
The hologram pulled his face into his best 'No one ever cares about me' expression, the one that always makes Lister feel really guilty. "Fine." He gulped, rising from his position and heading for the door. "If you're willing to sacrifice my life for his then I won't stop you. Just remember this as he's shoving the Del Monte factory up your backside; I warned you." He moved towards the door with his head held high. This would have been a very impressive exit had he not ruined it by tripping over Krytens' foot.
Rimmer stumbled forward and instinctively reached out for support. He was surprised to find his hands making contact with the cats' sleeves. He tightened his grip around them as he fell pulling the startled cat with him.
Rimmer barely touched the floor when he sprang up excitedly. His eyes wide with shock. "I touched you!" He gawped at the cat "I can touch!"
"So I See!" The cat spat at him the indicated to the torn blue material now flapping loosely around his right arm. "Look what you did to my sleeve!"
The cat launched himself at Rimmer and began to throttle him as an unconcerned Lister turned to Kryten "I think we've worked out what the hard light drive does" He shrugged
The robot nodded. "Indeed sir. However, tempting as it is to spent the next fifteen minuets watching the cat throttle Mr. Rimmer, I suggest that we begin to gather supplies"
Disappointed Lister sighed "Alright," He said and pulled the apoplectic cat off of the ruffled Rimmer. "Come on guys, let's get a move on."
"What about Muller?" Rimmer demanded, catching his breath back. The cat was still struggling to get at him.
"That's all sorted," Holly informed them. "I've got a message from the Lazarus' computer 'ere look."
She faded away to reveal a bald black head. "Good morning gentlemen," It smiled pleasantly. "I am the Lazarus' computer, Byron. I must warn you that I have just woken Jack Muller from stasis and he's not too keen on holograms."
"We know!" Rimmer wheezed
"This is why I suggest that your hologram begins gathering supplies from the cargo deck whilst the other crew meets with Mr. Muller in the security department."
Lister nodded appreciatively "Nice one!" He smiled as the head faded away. "You heard the head, let's get going."
"You expect me to go down to the cargo bay on a strange vessel on my own?" Rimmer breathed incredulously.
"It's that or come and meet 'masher'" Lister reminded him.
Rimmer didn't even need to think about it. "I'll just pop off to the cargo bay and get some supplies shall I?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lister, Cat and Kryten moved as quickly as they could to the security deck. This was a fairly long process as the lifts had stopped working part of the way up and forcing them to climb the last two decks on foot.
Moving the large bazookoids through the narrow gaps in the doors was no mean feet either, they barely fitted and on three or four occasions jammed in the doors. At one point one of the machines actually went off as the Cat rammed it through, blasting a huge hole in the door in front.
"Why don't we just do that?" He suggested, proudly indicating his new short cut.
Kryten shook his head. "It's an excellent suggestion Sir," He said. " But there's one major draw back."
"Which is?"
"That this station is in a very delicate position and even the slightest disturbance could pull it apart. So, unless you want to find yourself floating through space with your eyeballs as internal organs I suggest that we proceed as carefully as we can."
Lister stared incredulously at the android. "And you didn't think that this was worth mentioning before?" He demanded.
"Well I thought that it would have been obvious to anyone with half a brain sir." Kryten began but paused, realizing his error. "Oh sorry sir, Next time I'll be sure to point out every obvious detail."
With a heavy sigh Lister led the way through the smoldering hole ' Great,' He thought as they continued their trek up the final flight of stairs 'so we're going to be totally defenseless when we tell Muller that there's no room at the inn! He's going to smash our smegging faces in.. If were lucky… Oh god I hope there aren't any pineapples in the cargo decks!'
Lister found himself wishing he were down in the cargo decks with Rimmer for a brief moment, but only a brief one. Lister was sure that even though the hologram could now touch and feel, he'd soon find a way of not lifting a finger and making Lister do all the work.
In fact the more he thought about it the more sure Lister became that, given the choice between this and spending the next ten minuets being bossed around by Rimmer he'd much rather be risking life and limb negotiating useless weapons that could destroy them at any second through darkened passageways to tell a psychopath that they weren't here to rescue him but to nick all of his supplies and scarper. Even if it did mean having to put up with the cats moaning.
Still angry with Rimmer the narcissistic Moggie had spent most of the uncomfortable journey complaining about his ripped sleeve and insisting that they go back and let him change.
"At least let's find a sewing machine!" He begged as they reached the final door. Ignoring him Lister led the way into the security room.
It was so dark inside that they could barely see an inch in front of their eyes. The only lights in the large, cavernous room were those of the monitors in its centre which stretched all of the way up to the high ceiling and showed every inch of the ship. Several were out but the boys could see the cargo decks and the landing bay were still on.
Clutching his bazookoid tightly Lister called cautiously into the gloom.
"Muller?"
There was no answer. He exchanged an uncomfortable glance with the others and moved slowly over to the display monitors. Lister could see for different views of Rimmer in the bottom monitors. The Hologram was marching swiftly through the food deck, straight past the poppadoms.
"Bastard!" Lister swore angrily "He knows we've only got fourteen hundred of those left! I told him.."
His angry rant was cut short as all of the monitors suddenly fizzed. The three of them jumped back in shock as a familiar face filled every monitor from the ceiling to the floor. Jack Muller smiled down at them, his eyes bright and manic.
"Mornin' gents. " He growled. "So nice of you to come rescue me. Most people would have just taken what they needed from the cargo bay and left me to rot. That's not a very nice thing to do is it?"
The three terrified crew members shook their heads in unison and listened with mounting horror as Jack continued.
"Not nice people are evil," He growled," If I were not a nice man I'd lock you in the security deck, kill you deady friend and nick your ship."
"Thank goodness you're a nice guy then eh!" The cat smiled hopefully up at the screens. Thousands of Jack Mullers laughed maniacally and shook their heads.
"Oh, I'm not a nice person!" He exclaimed. The cameras backed out to show the full length Muller brandishing a holo whip. He was quite obviously in the food deck. He flicked his whip at the camera which instantly broke. Hissing static filled the screens as the panicking Lister, Cat and Kryten ran swiftly back to the entrance. It was sealed shut.
"What do we do?" The Cat wailed, checking the delicate diamond Rolex on his wrist. "We've got eight minuets until our insides become our outsides! And red's out this season!!"
Lister turned to the robot "Any ideas Kryters?"
The robot shook his head fearfully. It was an unusual thing to see a panicking robot. Usually they aren't programmed to show any emotion, but Lister had helped Kryten to corrupt his programming and actually feel some basic emotions. Judging by the look on his face Kryten had totally mastered fear. Lister was sure that if androids had underwear his would be well and truly filled.
"Sir," the robot cried shrilly " If we don't get this door open, save Mr. Rimmer, stop Muller and get back to starbug we're finished!."
Lister's jaw dropped angrily "I know! How's that helping?" He asked angrily.
Kryten looked offended. "Sorry sir, I just thought that I was supposed to point out every obvious detail to…"
Lister didn't hang around to listen to the end of Krytens' sentence. Something needed to be done now. Sweeping his dreadlocks off of his face he took a few paces back and aimed it at the door.
"Sir!" Kryten protested "If you fire that gun you could destroy the ship!"
"The ship's knackered anyway!" Lister reminded him "This was we've got a slight chance of getting out of here in one piece!"
With a nod Kryten and the Cat backed away and braced themselves as Lister fired.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rimmer marched swiftly through the third floor of the cargo hold safe in the knowledge that Muller was eight decks away talking to a heavily armed Lister, Cat and Kryten. It had taken a lot to persuade him that he was safe but after a blue faced Lister had screamed: "He's not coming with us! We'll deal with it for smegs sake!" for the fourteenth time, Rimmer was at last ready to believe him. Lister may be a hamster faced simpleton, but Rimmer knew that he could trust him with this.
Even so Rimmer couldn't help but be slightly annoyed that he was forced to gather the supplies on his own. Surely it didn't take all three of them to talk to Muller. Kryten could have come and help him out couldn't he? It would be more productive to have two people anyway. Rimmer could oversee and make decisions on what they needed while the other person loaded everything up. 'No sense of team work, that's there problem' Rimmer thought sadly as he marched past the poppadoms, keenly aware that Lister had specifically asked him to get them. 'now, He thought spitefully ' I wonder where they keep the brussel sprouts.'
He continued through the towering alleys of supply crates towards a sign marked 'Fruit 'n' veg'. He was nearly there when the sound of laughter and a loud crack made him crouch back in terror. The noise had come from nearby.
The hologram gulped and taking a deep breath called out in a trembling voice. "Lister? Very smegging funny I know it's you and all I can say is you're not going to scare me me-lad-o!"
Convinced that Lister was the source of the sudden noise, Rimmer became more confident. Rising from the fetal position he moved around the corner into the thin alley to face him.
Rimmer let out a small scream as he found himself face to face with a wild eyed Jack Muller brandishing a whip. With a huge battle cry Jack flicked his wrist and Rimmer felt a burning sting cut across his cheek. He yelped and fell backwards in shock as Jack lumbered towards him.
" I should warn you," Rimmer stammered "My shipmates are onboard and they wont take kindly to you hurting me! They'll be along to rescue me any minuet now!"
Jack laughed." I doubt it!" He cackled "In fact in a few minuets they'll be as dead as you are!"
Suddenly a huge blast shot past Jack smashing into the crates behind him. Stunned jack and Rimmer looked up towards the enterance of the alleyway where Lister, Cat and Kryten stood each aiming a bazookoid at Jack.
"Guess again!" Lister called charging his up again.
Jack turned and ran as fast as he could to the other side of the alley but didn't get very far. He was halfway down when a terrifying sight stopped him. There, crouched on top of a crate of baked beans was a black hooded figure. It's blood red eyes glowed in the darkness as it barred its yellow pointing teeth. Jack screamed as shrilly as Rimmer had a few moments before and ran back towards them.
The others did not see the dark and menacing figure hiding in the shadows. All they saw was the screaming, maniacal Muller running full pelt towards them brandishing a whip. Instinctively Lister, Cat and Kryten fired.
Unfortunately, as they were all firing at the same thing the bazookoid bullets hit each other in mid air and ricochet off of one another. The alley exploded sending bits of broken tins and flaming crates everywhere.
"Rimmer?" Lister called desperately into the debris.
Kryten had already run forward and was beginning to clear away the wreckage. "He's here sir!" The robot called over, pulling an unconscious Rimmer out. Lister ran over and between them they pulled the hologram clear.
"What about Muller?" Kryten asked.
Lister looked back into the shattered alleyway "Leave him!" He growled angrily and started back towards Starbug, still carrying Rimmer. Within five minuets the Lister, cat, Kryten and the unconscious Rimmer were clear of the Lazarus and heading back to Red Dwarf. Not suspecting for a moment that they'd picked up a stowaway.
plz review :)