..:: Moustaches, Armor, and Dead People, Oh My! ::..

Whee, I'm so happy! I got 5 reviews for one chappie! And no flames! I almost died of shock. Thank you SO MUCH to Sangofanatic, Chica De Los Ojos Cafe, heartsyhawk, Readerrr Grrrl,and psychobunny410 for reviewing! Oh, and thanks, Readerrr Grrrl, about the spelling. Sorry, my mind spaced on that.

Okee, before I forget, I realized that I forgot to make a Hun…gang…thing…for Lance (poor dude). So here they are now:

Shan-Yu – Lance Alvers / Avalanche (but you already knew that)

Archer Hun Dude (the one Mulan (Rogue) takes out) – Pietro / Quicksilver

Skinny Hun Dude (the one Ling (Ray) takes out) – Todd Tolanski / Toad

Shirtless Hun Dude (the one Chien-Po (Roberto) takes out) – Fred / Blob

That Other Hun Dude (the one Yao (Bobby) takes out) – Jason / Mastermind

Them, plus lots of That One Hun Dude extras, make up the Brotherhood...plus Mastermind...Hun Army. Everyone except Pietro and Lance will be referred to by their mutant codename…things. Why? Just cuz. Oh yeah, and they'll all be wearing their regular street clothes, cuz…yeah. Okay, I know, there should be 2 Shirtless Hun Dudes, but come on, it's really not necessary (Blob could carry Evan on his own, no problem); plus, I really don't want to make Piotr a bad guy if I don't have to. Hm…I might make a Kiotr parody sometime, what do you think of that? Or, who should I put Piotr with in a future parody? Oh yeah. That Falcon that Shan-Yu has in the movie…yes, another animal OC. (gimme a break! The X-Men don't have any pets!) So Ross the Falcon will be…the Falcon. (Shush…I might have named him Marcel instead)

Moving on…in the movie, I have no clue why Yao was using an orange and a banana as fake boobs. So Bobby will be using 2 oranges. And Roberto definitely doesn't have the capacity to fit one watermelon, let alone two, so he'll use…um…nectarines. But Ray will use apples, just like Ling did. Okay, on with the insanity.

So Rogue and the four other Bride Candidates were kneeling outside the Ugly Hag's…I mean Jean's…house, waiting for the doors to slam open.

I said, waiting for the doors to slam open!

"Huh?" Jean said, where she was inside her trailer, eating tea sandwiches and reading Vogue magazine. (I've never read that magazine before, though) "Oh," she said all snobbily and walked inside the house…thing…slamming the door behind her. Then, a full two minutes later, she slammed the doors open. "Rogue," she said in her snottiest voice ever.

"Ah'm right here, ya dumbass!" Rogue snapped, getting up and closing her parasol.

"Speaking out of turn," Jean said all supremely.

"Whatever," Rogue said. She followed Jean inside the house.

"Like, who spit in her bean curd?" Kitty asked Ororo.

"I heard that!" Jean yelled.

"No duh, it's, like, in the script!" Kitty yelled back. "And, like, what is bean curd?" she added to Ororo, who shrugged.

…Inside the Ugly Hag's – er, Jean's – House…

"Hm," Jean said, walking around Rogue like a cop or something. "Too skinny. Bad for bearing Scott clones."

"Who says Ah wanna bear – did you just say Scott clones??" Rogue demanded, looking at Jean like she was crazy…or demented…

"Those actually mean the same thing, you know," Bobby said.

Don't care!

"Recite the final admonition," Jean said.

Rogue pulled out a fan and used it to hide her loving at the writing that had mysteriously not washed off – that's some cheap soap you used, Ororo!

"Fulfill your duties calmly and…" Rogue glanced at her arm. "…Respectfully. Reflect before you snack. Act! This-shall-bring-you-honor-and-glory," she finished at Pietro speed.

Jean rolled her eyes. "This way," she said, conveniently grabbing the forearm that Rogue had written on. The ink mysteriously started smudging onto her hand.

"Now," Jean said. "Pour the tea."

"Lahke you can't pour it yahself," Rogue muttered, but grabbed the teapot.

"To please your future in-law, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity and refinement." For some odd reason, she traced her face – or whatever – from her upper lip, around her mouth, and to her chin, making a hideous moustache. "You must also be poised."

Rogue finished pouring the tea, only to see that Jimmy was using it as a Jacuzzi…ew. Jean grabbed the cup without noticing. "Um, excuse me," Rogue said, not out of concern for Jean, but because she felt that no creature deserved to be put in a place as horrible as Jean's mouth.

"And silent!" Jean yelled.

"Ah don't see you being sahlent," Rogue muttered, but climbed onto the table to take the tea back. Jean, being an idiot, pulled away, falling over so that the tea spilled all over her dress…haha.

"Why you clumsy…" Jean said, then noticed Jimmy jumping around in her bodice, trying to find a way out. Talk about slow reflexes. She got up…and then fell over onto the conveniently spilled hot coals. "AAAAHHH!" Jean screamed as the seat of her skirt caught fire.

Rogue opened her fan and tried to fan the flames away, but instead it caught fire even worse (duh! Input of oxygen!) So anyway, Jean ran around shrieking about her flaming ass, crashing into everything, blah, blah, blah…

…Back Outside…

"I think it's, like, going well, don't you?" Kitty said with complete sincerity to Ororo.

At that moment, conveniently sparing Ororo from answering, Jean ran outside with her dress still on fire. "Put it out!" she yelled. "PUT IT OUT!"

Rogue ran outside with the all-important teapot and threw the contents over the fire coming from Jean's dress, putting out the fire, but also making all her makeup run down. Jimmy locked himself in Rogue's cage and started crying again. Rogue ran over to were Ororo and Kitty were.

"You are a disgrace!" Jean yelled, throwing the all-important teapot down so it smashed…poor teapot…moving on, Jean kept yelling. "You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!" she shouted. Then she turned and ran back into her house, slamming the door behind her.

"Well, I think it, like, went well," Kitty said.

Then Rogue, Kitty, and Ororo went home, where Ororo had to break the news to Logan, and Kitty…did something. So Rogue put Charlie back in his stable…thing…and went to the ancestors temple, singing the whole time.

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

Can it be

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see

That if I were truly to be myself

I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

Why is my reflection

Someone I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

After leaving the ancestors temple, Rogue sat down on a stone bench in the garden underneath a very prettiful tree –

"Prettiful isn't a real word," Jean snapped, having finished washing off all her ruined makeup and changed out of the ugly dress into her typical half shirt – which shouldn't even be allowed in school – and khaki pants.

It is in my vocabulary. It's a combination of both pretty and beautiful, and better than both. So anyway, she sat under a very prettiful tree covered in prettiful pink blossoms, looking all sad because Jean had deemed her dishonorable. Then Logan came over with his cane – making a pitiful attempt at limping – and tried to have a father-daughter heartfelt talk with her. Yeah right.

Ahem. Heartfelt father-daughter talk!

Logan rolled his eyes. "Uh, what beautiful blossoms we have this year," he said in a monotone voice. "But look. This one's late. But I bet when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all."

"That was pathetic acting," Rogue said. Then some random dude started pounding drums, like they didn't have phones or a loudspeaker or something. Logan, glad to get out of the prettiful garden, practically ran outside.

"Wait!" Priscilla said. "You have to use your cane thingie!"

Logan growled, but went back and got the dreaded Cane Thingie. Ororo followed him outside. "Stay inside, Rogue!" she said…as if she thought Rogue would listen to her. Kitty coughed and jerked her thumb at the roof.

Scott came riding in, all up on a high-horse…literally…looking like he had a pole up his ass.

"Hey!" Scott yelled. "I do not have a pole up my ass!"

Not according to Things To Do Before I Die by Le Ragin Cajun. By the way, people, that fic is hilarious, go read it if you haven't already, and there's also nice hilarious rather one-sided ROMY one-shots, too.

Scott rolled his eyes…not like anyone could tell because of the whole shades thing and finally said his very boring lines. "Citizens! I bring a proclamation from The Spyke! (A/N: He's the Emperor, if you guys forgot…hehe…The Spyke…) The Brotherhood-"

"Ahem!" Mastermind coughed offstage.

"…plus Mastermind," Scott added, "Huns have invaded China!"

There were many predictable gasps from the crowd. Scott continued, sounding bored. "By order of The Spyke, one man from every family must enlist in the imperial army…blah, blah, blah…" He went through a long boring list that really isn't worth mentioning. "The…um…whatever Logan's last name is family!"

Logan gave his cane to Ororo and walked up to Scott with a limp…well, he tried to limp is the point. "I am ready to serve The Spyke," he said. "Never thought I'd say that," he muttered.

Scott started to hand the scroll to Logan, but Rogue jumped down from the roof, ran past Ororo and Kitty, and intercepted the scroll. Damn, Scott hands people things slow.

"Baba, you can't go!" Rogue said.

"Please don't call me that," Logan said through clenched teeth.

"Well, that is what Mulan calls her dad," Priscilla pointed out.

"Can we please get back to the movie?" Scott said.

"What's your problem?" Priscilla asked.

"You try sitting on a horse when you have a pole up your ass!" Scott snapped. "Wait a minute…did I just say that?"

Kitty collapsed in a giggle fit, and everyone patiently (well, constipatedly in Scott's case I guess) waited 5 whole minutes before she calmed down. Scott shoved the scroll thingie at Logan. "Report tomorrow at Wu Zhong camp," he said, then rode away, falling off the horse after 5 gallops.

…Later, Drinking Tea (well, Beer in Logan's case)…

Rogue, Kitty, Logan, and Ororo sat around drinking tea (well, beer in Logan's case), trying to avoid the fact that Logan was super old and shouldn't go to war anymore…

"Hey!" Logan said.

Well, the dude you're playing is old, after all. Deal with it! So, anyway, Rogue slammed down her teacup, mysteriously not breaking it…or even cracking it. "You shouldn't have to go!" she said.

"Rogue!" Ororo said, not like it made any difference.

"There are plenty of young men out there to fight for China!" Rogue continued.

"It is an honor to serve The Spyke and protect my family," Logan said. "That just sounds weird."

"So, you'll die fah honor," Rogue said.

"Hey, I can take that skinny boy any time!" Logan snapped. Priscilla coughed. "I mean…I will die doing what's right."

"But-" Rogue began.

"I know my place!" Logan snapped. "It is time you learned yours."

Rogue ran outside crying, being totally uncharacteristic of herself, and it mysteriously started raining. Gee, I wonder who caused that…

Anyway, later, Rogue sat on this dragon…statue…thing…in the rain, watching the silhouette of Logan trying to talk to the silhouette of Ororo, who ran away crying. Then the silhouette of Logan blew out a candle, turning off all the lights in the house.

"Well, that was stupid," Rogue said. The rain started pouring even harder. "Ah'm going, Ah'm going!" she snapped, and stalked off to the ancestors temple while techno-ish music started playing. Rogue lit an incense stick and put it in a statue…thing…that looked suspiciously like Pyro sitting meditation-pose (you know, cross-legged with both of his feet up and his hands over his knees with the middle finger and thumb connected), bowed to Kurt's tombstone (the Great Ancestor), then stopped. "Yah know," she said. "This music is really too techno for Middle Age Chahna."

Tell that to the songwriters, or whatever! So then Rogue turned and ran into Logan and Ororo's bedroom, where she stole the scroll and replaced it with her jade flower hair comb thingie without even waking Logan up…that's just weird. And then she took Logan's sword and…wait a minute. "Ah don't need to cut mah hair," Rogue pointed out.

Good point. So Rogue went into Logan's room where his armor was…why the heck does he need a whole room for one lousy wardrobe thingie…so she put on Logan's armor, which MYSTERIOUSLY FIT BOTH HER AND LOGAN, go figure. Then she went into Charlie's stable, opening the doors just as lightning flashed and completely freaked Charlie out, because what horse wouldn't get spooked by lightning? And she rode out into the still-pouring rain.

Back in the ancestors temple, the dragon's eyes on Kurt's tombstone – man, that wounds weird! – flashed, mysteriously letting Kitty know exactly what had just happened.

Kitty sat bolt upright in bed. "See?" she said. "Old people are totally cool. They, like, get visions!"

I've geen saying that for a while. Now, go run along to your son and daughter's room – man, that sounds weird, too!

Kitty jumped out of bed – well, it was more like phased out of bed – and phased through the wall to Logan and Ororo's room. "Rogue's, like, gone!" she said.

"What?" Logan said, then saw the jade flower hair comb thingie. "Aw, crap."

"How'd you, like, sleep through that?" Kitty asked. "You're, like, losing your touch." But Logan was already running out into the rain – hey come back here and get your cane!

So Logan came back in, grabbed the dreaded cane, and hobbled back out into the rain – well, he tried to hobble. Unsurprisingly, he fell over, dropping the jade flower hair comb thingie into a puddle of water and getting it all dirty.

Ororo ran up to him. "You have to go after her," she said. "She could be killed!"

"If I reveal her," Logan said. "She will be."

Kitty stayed in the yard, praying to the ancestors. "Ancestors," she prayed, "Like, hear our prayer. Watch over Rogue."

And the chappie ended in complete sadness.

NOT!

So then, in the ancestors temple, Kurt awoke, or whatever. "Pyro," he said. "Avaken!"

The meditating-Pyro stature – like he'd ever meditate – came to life and fell to the floor, the gong making pitiful banging noises like it was a pot or something.

"Oy live!" Pyro said. "What mortal needs moy protection, Kurt, just say the word and Oy'm there!"

"Pyro-" Kurt began.

"Let me say something," Pyro interrupted. "Anybody who's foolish enough to mess with our family, vengeance will be moyne!"

"Pyro!" Kurt yelled. He pointed at the animal…statue…things. "They are the family guardians. They…"

"Protect the Pryde family," Pyro finished glumly.

"Hey!" Logan said offstage. "How come you're using Kitty's last name?"

"Because Psycho Bunny doesn't know yours, and Kitty's the oldest, story-wise," Priscilla said boredly. "By the way, people, if you do know his last name, please include it in your review so Psycho Bunny can fix it for future chapters."

"And you, O demoted one?" Kurt continued.

"Oy ring the gong," Pyro said even glumlier.

"Glumlier isn't a word!" Jean yelled offstage.

Don't care!

"That's right," Kurt said. "Now, avaken the ancestors."

Pyro ran around, banging on the gong, yelling at all the dead people to wake up. Of course, as soon as they did, they started arguing.

"I knew it! I knew it! That Rogue was a troublemaker from the start," Great-Grandmother Pryde said.

"Don't look at me!" Great-Grandfather Pryde said. "She gets it from your side of the family."

"She's just trying to help her father," The Not-So-Cranky Ancestor said.

"If she's discovered, Logan'll be forever shamed!" The Accountant Ancestor said, playing with his abacus. "Dishonor will come to the Pryde family. Traditional values will disintegrate!"

"Not to mention, they'll lose the farm," The Farmer Ancestor said.

"My children never caused such trouble," Great-Grandmother Pryde said. "They all became acupuncturists."

"Ew!" Kitty said offstage. "I'm, like, an acupuncturist? That's, like, totally icksome!"

"We can't all be acupuncturists," Great-Grandfather Pryde said.

"No," The Really Cranky Ancestor shrieked. "Your great-granddaughter had to be a cross-dresser!"

Then everyone started arguing. "Let a guardian bring her back," The Ancestor Who Came Up With A Good Idea said.

Pyro, who had been sitting around playing with his lighter and making cute little fire butterflies…aww…suddenly got snatched up (along with his pitiful pot-sounding gong) and passed around the ancestors.

"Yes! Awaken the most cunning," Great-Grandfather Pryde said, dragging Pyro over to a statue of a tiger.

"No! The swiftest," The Accountant Ancestor said, flying Pyro over to a statue of a rabbit.

"No," The Really Cranky Ancestor said, pulling Pyro over to a statue of a monkey. "Send the wisest!"

"Silence!" Kurt yelled, and The Really Cranky Ancestor dropped Pyro, and he fell to the floor with a clang. "Ve must send the most powerful of all."

"Okay, okay, okay, Oy get your drift, Oy'll go," Pyro said.

The ancestors all stared at him…then burst out laughing. "You had your chance to protect the Pryde Family," Kurt said.

"Your misguidance led Pryde Deng to disaster," The Really Cranky Ancestor said.

"Yeah," Pryde Deng said. "Thanks a lot."

"What's your point, mate?" Pyro said.

"Just go avaken the Great Stone Dragon already," Kurt said, throwing him outside.

Pyro stuck his head back inside. "So you'll get back to me on the job thing, right, mate?"

Kurt threw the gong at him.

Okay! Now's that's the real end. Next chappie, Pyro will break the Great Stone Dragon then go after Mulan with Jimmy; we'll meet Lance and The Brotherhood…plus Mastermind…Huns with the whole Imperial Scouts thing; Rogue will meet Pyro and Jimmy, then we'll meet Bobby, Ray, and Roberto (Yao, Ling, and Chien-Po), and the whole rice mishap; plus Captain Remy with his dear old dad, Forge.

"I'm not old!" Forge yelled, popping up from…somewhere.

Butt out of my A/N! And dear old dad is an expression. Although now that you mention it, Forge, if you hadn't gotten stuck in Middleverse, you'd be really old…or even dead.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Forge screamed, clapping his hands over his ears and running away.

Poor dude…hehehe…Captain LeBeau Remy. That just doesn't sound right! Aw, screw the last names, let's just use Captain Remy. And Forge will be…General Forge. Oh, and Remy's big shirtless singing number will be 2 chappies hence…cuz…yeah. Hey, did you know that the Mandarin version of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" is sung by Jackie Chan? Yep, there's a music video on the DVD with him singing and doing cool tricks that I'll never be able to do in a kajillion years. So anywayz, peoples, please review! And HAPPY CHRISMAHANNUKWANZAKAH TO EVERYONE!