..:: Monkey Dude, Invisible Walls, and Old Man Forge ::..
Whee! More reviews! Merci beaucoup to heartsyhawk, Chica De Los Ojos Cafe, EE's Skysong, Sangofanatic, and psychobunny410 for reviewing! You guys rock! Oh, and heartsyhawk, DUDE! You need to update your ficcies!!!!!!!!! All of them!!!!! Really!!!! And psychobunny410, sorry about using Psycho Bunny! That's what I call myself (A Cute But Psycho Bunny is my main username thingie, but I'm going to use this one solely for XME parodies), but from now on, I'll just use The Authoress. And I would read your Mulan parody, but I don't know wrestling that well! Well, my sis got me started on WWE Smackdown recently, so I know them a little, but I'd still get completely lost.
DISCLAIMER: (I keep forgetting to do these) Is Pyro afraid of fire? Does Storm like dark, condensed spaces? Is Logan a vegetarian? If you answered yes to ANY of those questions, FORK OVER THE PILLS! Or, if you don't have pills, LINE UP AND GET YOUR MEDICATION!
!NOTE! NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PARODYING OF THIS PARODY. However, I cannot say the same for mutants – especially JOTT – since I haven't finished writing this parody yet. And yes, parodying is a real word.
Oh yeah, Priscilla and Trisha Lee agreed to be chaperones for my bunnies' vacation to Paris, so Wanda is now the director.
"What?!" Pietro yelled. "She-gets-to-be-the-director-and-I-don't?"
Well, you're part of the Brotherhood.
"So-is-she!"
The Huns are all male. Plus, Wanda's got the hexing thing.
Pietro pouted.
Fine, how about I make you the director for the next parody I make – if you're not cast in it.
"Okay!"
Pyro trudged down the stone steps, the gong still clanging pitifully like a pot. "One more chance, is that too much to ask?" he muttered.
"Yep!" Kurt yelled from the ancestors temple.
"You're not supposed to hear that!" Pyro yelled back. "Hey, wake up, mate!" he yelled at the dragon statue, banging on the gong-that-thinks-it's-a-pot. Unsurprisingly, the statue didn't change in the slightest.
That ticked Pyro off. So he dropped the gong-that-thinks-it's-a-pot and picked up his lighter. "WAKE UP!" he yelled, engulfing the statue in flames. "Oooh…pretty foyre…" He stood there, staring at the beauty of it all – not to mention drooling – not realizing that the Great Stone Dragon was slowly being burnt into ashes.
…1 Hour Later…
Pyro was still drooling in awe at the fire. Stupid statue's taking forever to burn! DIVINE INTERVENTION!
The statue exploded. Pyro sniffed. "Pretty foyre…gone…" he whimpered.
Kurt bamfed (yes, he might be "dead" but he can still bamf) down to where Pyro was whimpering over the dead fire. "You okay there?" he asked.
Pyro started crying. "It was too young to doye!!!!" he wailed.
"Uh," Kurt started backing away slowly. "I feel your pain, but you gotta go after Rogue now."
Pyro sniffled.
"You've still got the lighter, you know," Kurt pointed out.
Pyro cheered up right away. "You're royght, mate!" he said. "Oy better go find Remy's sheila now!" And he happily ran off, along with Jimmy, because he's an adorable cricket like that.
…Somewhere In China…
So The Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army rode along, The Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…in street clothes that looked really out of place, but who cares; the rest of the Hun Army in ugly fur stuff, and all of the horsies looking really pissed off, probably because the Brotherhood/Huns/Monkey Dude-
"Hey!" Monkey Dude – I mean Mastermind – no, actually, I'll just stick with Monkey Dude – yelled. "I'm not a monkey!"
Riiiight. So, as I was saying, the horsies were pretty pissed off cuz the Brotherhood/Huns/Monkey-Dude-Who-Is-Not-A-Monkey riding them had no fashion sense. Well, Pietro didn't look half bad. And Lance could pull off the whole ripped-jeans look. But other than that…ick.
So, anyway, they were riding along on really P.O.'d horsies, when Lance stopped, yanking on the reins really hard and making his poor horsie even more P.O.'d than it already was. And, due to his mad Hunnified skills – wow, never using that word again – he could tell exactly where the two Imperial Scout Dudes were. Pietro, Todd, and Monkey Dude ran into the trees and found the two Imperial Scout Dudes, dumping them on the floor…how rude. "Imperial Scouts, yo," Toad said, stating the obvious.
Lance jumped off his seriously P.O.'d horsie and walked toward the Imperial Scout Dudes, looking as terrifying as a skinny adolescent in a black T-shirt, vest thingie, and ripped jeans can look…which isn't very terrifying.
"Hey!" Lance yelled up at The Authoress.
Well, it's true. Shan-Yu in the movie wasn't so skinny, plus he had the whole grayish skin and eyes-that-look-like-Remy's-except-Shan-Yu's-are-yellow-which-is-just-really-weird.
"……Riiiiiiiiiight," Lance said, then went back to the two Imperial Scouts.
"Lance Alvers," The Cowardly But Smart Imperial Scout Dude (CBS for short) gasped.
"Oh, come on, he's not that intimidating," The Courageous But Stupid Imperial Scout Dude (CBS for short…wait, that's the same initials! Oh yeah, I did that on purpose. So never mind) said.
"Congratulations," Lance said. "You've found the Brotherhood-"
Monkey Dude coughed.
"…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army," Lance said.
"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"
"The Spyke will stop you," The Courageous But Stupid Imperial Scout Dude said all…courageously. Well, actually, it was more like defiantly.
"Stop me?" Lance said. "He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength, blah, blah, blah…this guy sounds like an idiot!"
Tell me about it.
"Go ahead and tell Spyke to send his strongest armies," Lance said, pointing with his sword. "Hey, I get a sword?"
No duh, you've been holding it the whole time…Idiot.
"Yeah, so, go tell Spyke!" Lance said, pointing with the sword again.
"Uh, the Imperial City is that way," The Cowardly But Smart Imperial Scout Dude said, pointing the other way.
"Then go that way!" Lance yelled, using intimidation to cover up for looking stupid. So the Imperial Scout Dudes ran off. "How many men does it take to deliver a message?" he said.
Pietro aimed with his bow and arrow. "One," he said, and shot it…or whatever.
"HOLY SHIT!"
Offstage, Evan ducked. The arrow flew right through where his head would have been a second ago and splintered on the wall several feet away. Hey no killing people, Pietro!
Pietro pouted.
Aw, he's so CUTE when he pouts!
"He almost killed me and you're calling him CUTE?!" Evan yelled.
Yeah. The Authoress nodded happily.
Evan said lots of naughty technicolor words.
"Evan!" Ororo yelled, shocked…not that she should be.
Wash out your mouth! And one Divine Intervention Flashy Flash later, Evan was choking on soap. EE's Skysong's right. Torturing Evan is just so much more fun!
…Somewhere Near Wu Zhong Camp…
Rogue was practicing in front of Charlie. "Okay, how's this," she said. "Excuse me, where do Ah sahgn in? Ah, Ah see you have a sword! Ah have one, too. They're very manly and…tough." She tried to pull out the sword, but it didn't come out all the way. Halfway out, she lost her grip on it, and it clattered to the ground. Charlie just laughed…well, he neigh-laughed.
Rogue threw her shoe at it – nearly knocking Charlie out, since the she was wearing leather two-inch heel platform ankle boots. "Ah'm workin' on it!" she yelled. "Oh, who am Ah kiddin'? It's gonna take me a miracle to get into the ahmy."
"Did Oy hear someone ask for a miracle?" Pyro yelled. But since he can't pull off Mushu like Eddie Murphy can (more importantly, I can't write it), we now fast-forward a few minutes to where Pyro walked out from behind the rock.
"Mah ancestors sent a little Scot to help me?" Rogue said. And she means Scot as in someone from Scotland, not Scott-with-a-pole-up-his-ass. "Thanks a lot, Kurt."
"Vhat?" Kurt said offstage. "It vasn't my idea!"
"Hey, AUSSIE, not Scot," Pyro said, clearly offended. "I don't do that kilt thing."
Rogue pulled a Polaroid picture out of her pocket. "Right. So explain this."
In the picture, John was dressed in a kilt, had painted his face like Braveheart, and was making fire leprechauns; Remy was in a billowy loose shirt and tight black pants and Riverdancing; and Piotr was playing the bagpipes.
"WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!" Pyro exclaimed.
"Tabitha," Rogue said. "And she got the other guys, too," she added, showing him a picture of Bobby, Ray, Sam, and Roberto. What they were doing…we'll get to that later.
"Royght, well, we all got really drunk one noyght in Vegas…and then we played Truth or Dare…Oy think the new guys had to put on a strip tease…"
"Yeah, Tabitha took a lot of pictures of that," Rogue said.
"Oh yeah, and Bobby and Jubilee got hitched as a dare," Pyro finished. Yeah, Remy, John, Piotr, Bobby, Ray, Sam, Roberto, Jubilee, Amara, Tabitha, and Rahne were there. Rogue and Wanda were…not. And besides, we're really getting off plot, so let's get to the camp scene already. Watch this thing get even more off plot…
…At Wu Zhong Camp…
So instead of walking in like a pigeon-toed idiot, Rogue walked in like a normal person, and no one was the wiser. Yeah, and no one really noticed she was a girl, either. They're stupid like that. Well, until she met Bobby and Ray and Roberto.
"This tattoo will protect me from harm," The Idiotical Tattoo Dude said. Bobby looked at it, then slammed his fist into the guy's stomach. Ray started laughing like an idiot.
Then Pyro decided to give Rogue really crappy advice (Remember, he's chilling in Rogue's collar, but he's not being perverted at all cuz Wanda would kill him). "Punch him in the arm, that's how goys say hello." So Rogue did, except she punched Bobby really hard, so he ran straight into Roberto and knocked him over. (Duh, he's not super-insulated like Chien-Po!) "Get off!" Roberto yelled, shoving Bobby off him. (Oh yeah, I don't know Roberto's accent at all, so I'm not doing it! End of story!)
But then Pyro gave Rogue even crappier advice. "Slap him on the ass!"
"What?!" Rogue said.
"Just do it, it's in the script!" Pyro said.
Rogue rolled her eyes, but slapped Bobby on the ass. Instead of getting pissed off like Yao should've, Bobby got turned on. (Obviously, they all know Rogue's a girl…actually, they all know except Scott cuz he's stupid like that) "I knew you felt the same way!" Bobby said.
Poor Bobby. Jubilee probably would have come running out of nowhere to yell at him, but instead, Remy came running at him, with lots of charged playing cards. Bobby screamed like a little girl and ran, nearly getting blown up by the cards. Then Roberto – who was in a very non-Chien-Po mood – stuck his foot out, so Bobby went sprawling. It probably would've been the end for Bobby – or at least Bobby Jr. – if Remy hadn't slammed face first into an invisible wall.
"Where'd that come from?" Pyro said.
Divine intervention is a wonderful thing. Poor Remy knocked himself out and slid slowly to the ground with that weird squeaking skin-on-glass noise. Meanwhile, all the Remy-lovers out there reading this ran after The Authoress with knives and daggers and any other sharp, pointy object they could find.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I promise I won't hurt Remy again! On the bright side, Rogue now got to play not-so-sexy Nurse – and I'm only saying that because, really, how sexy can Rogue (or anyone, for that matter) be in Logan's armor? Not that sexy. (Well, actually, Logan probably would be, cuz duh, it's his armor) Ray and Roberto laughed at Bobby shamelessly…then tried to kill each other again. WAIT A MINUTE!
Bobby split them up – getting fried and a black eye in the process, poor dude. "Chien-Po's a nice guy," he reminded Roberto. "Very calm and…zen."
"Okay, okay, we're good," Roberto said, while he and Ray glared daggers at each other. Rogue took Remy off to a tent to play not-so-sexy Nurse, and for ten whole seconds, everything was at peace. And then-
"He's breathing my air, I swear he is!" Ray yelled.
"You (insert Portugese swear word here)!" Roberto yelled at him, not that Ray can understand Portugese anyway, and they ran at each other…again. Dude, this is getting old.
So they both ran straight into invisible walls. Then they got up, tried to run around the invisible wall – and ran into another invisible wall. Muwahahaha, I LUVERZ Divine Intervention. Yes, they were both trapped in invisible boxes, so Bobby could get a breather. So, since Rogue was busy being not-so-sexy Nurse, and Ray and Roberto were both stuck in invisible boxes that would eventually begin playing the Barney song if they tried to get out-
"Say what?!" Ray said, in the middle of trying to electrify – or WHATEVER the word is – his way out of an invisible box – which, as we all know, does not work.
"Que você disse?" Roberto asked at the same time, trying to use his super-strength ability thing to get out of the invisible box – which, as we also know, does not work.
Oops, did I say that out loud? Well, moving on, and ignoring the very panicked looks on the two R's faces (cuz Ray and Roberto is too much to type), Bobby went to go get some rice. But the line was really long, so he froze everyone and walked up to the front, where the Rice Cook Dude gave him lots of rice for fear of being frozen.
Now, the two R's aren't the brightest Crayolas of the fluorescent bunch – well, if they were, they're not in this ficcie cuz I am torturing them like hell – hey, I'm torturing my favorite dudes! This is fun! – they tried even harder to get out of the invisible boxes. But, since they had used up the time limit of silence, it now played Barney's song in their head.
I love you, you love me
We're a happy family…
And I'll stop torturing you guys there. So the two R's screamed like bansheefied insomniacs (and bansheefied only exists in my vocabulary, but I love the word) and banged their heads against the invisible walls – which, as we all know, only made things worse, because the box thought they were trying to get out, not knock themselves out.
Meanwhile, the Rice Cook Dude finished giving out all the rice and went poof, so the rice incident didn't happen. And them Remy regained consciousness and went off to have the mini-meeting with Scott the Kissass and Old Man Forge.
…In Old Man Forge's Tent…
"I'm not old!!!" Forge yelled.
Don't make me start on the whole if-it-weren't-for-Middleverse speech again!
Forge muttered inaudibly, but went on with his lines. "The Brotherhood…plus the Jive Monkey…Hun Army have struck here, here, and here," he said, pointing with his horse whip…switch…thing. "I will take the main troops up to Tung Shao Pass and stop Lance Alvers before he destroys this village." He pointed again.
"Excellent strategy, sir," Scott the Kissass said. "I do love a surprise."
Forge ignored him. "You will stay here and train the new recruits. When Scott believes you are ready, you will join us, Captain."
"Captain?" Remy said.
Scott the Kissass gasped. "This is an enormous responsibility, General," he stammered. "Perhaps a soldier with more experience…"
"Number one in his class," Forge said. "Extensive knowledge of training techniques, and an impressive military lineage – that does not sound right!"
He and Remy looked at each other, then flinched and looked away, shuddering.
"Uh, I believe Remy will do an excellent job," Forge finished.
"Oh, I will," Remy said, sounding WAY too overexcited. "I won' let y' down. Dis is…I mean…" he cleared his throat and bowed. "Oui, monsieur."
We're in China, not France! And that was my pitiful attempt at Remy's accent. So sorry.
"Right, then," Forge said, a little weirded out by Remy bowing at him. "We'll toast to China's victory at the Imperial City. I don't like tea…" he whined.
Shush, you won't be drinking any anyway!
"I'll expect a full report in three weeks," he added to Scott.
"And I won't leave anything out," Scott said after Forge walked out.
"Don' forget to mention de pole up y' ass, den," Remy said, walking out as well.
"Thanks for reminding me!" Scott said, starting to write on his paper thing. "Wait a minute………………HEY!"
Remy laughed. "Dat homme is stupid."
Tell me about it. So they all walked outside, but there was no big fight because Rogue and Bobby, the two main offenders, were sitting on the ground eating rice and watching the two R's slowly but steadily succumb to sans-sanity.
"What's with the alliteration?" Bobby asked.
So I felt like using a little alliteration. Anyway, Forge left on his pretty non-P.O.'d horsie, along with the rest of his army. Poor dudes…
"Hey, Swamp Rat," Rogue said, turning around from where she and Bobby were eating rice, totally disintegrating what was left of the storyline.
"So, what do we do now?" Bobby asked. "Remy's big singing number isn't till the next chapter."
"We could jus' sit and watch de garçons go crazy," Remy suggested.
"Good idea," Bobby said.
"Oy'm bored!" Pyro complained. After all, he was only a foot tall.
Wanda was suddenly struck by an idea, meaning The Authoress got an idea and whispered it to her. She whispered it in Pyro's ear, who lit up and nodded happily.
Ten seconds later, Ray and Roberto were surprised to realize that Barney's song had stopped playing in their head, and that the invisible box had vanished. On one hand, they were free to salvage what was left of their sanity. On the other hand, they were now being chased by a mini Pyro cackling madly…very madly.
"That's not so bad," Ray said.
Oh yeah, plus a 10 foot tall fire dragon.
"HOLY SHIT!" Ray yelled.
"(insert Portugese swear word here)!" Roberto yelled at the same time.
And for the next few hours Pyro and The Dragon chased Ray and Roberto all around the camp, while everyone else watched and ate popcorn, chips and soda. Needless to say, Ray and Roberto learned a lesson about fighting.
Or not.
…One Chapter Later…
"He's looking at me weird!"
"Your face is weird!"
But we'll get into that next chapter.
Hm, not my best work. Don't worry! Next chappie, a shirtless Remy singing and making everyone else look bad. Oh, and the bit with Ray and Roberto, probably before Remy starts singing. Yeah, I predict that the next chappie will be on the short side.
Oh, despite the fact that I'm only 3 chappies into this thing, I'm already contemplating new ideas for the next insane parody I do. And the main pairing I've decided on is…KITTY AND ???
Seriously. I don't know who to put her with. Your choices are: (listed alphabetically as to show how unbiased I am – I actually like all 3, which is why you people get to pick!)
KIOTR
KURTTY
LANCITTY
Please let me know which one you want me to do in your review. Oh, and suggest what movie you want, too. I'm thinking about doing Pirates of the Caribbean or Moulin Rouge. Well, anyway, please review!