..:: Remy's Big Shirtless Singing Number ::..
Thank you to EE's Skysong, heartsyhawk, todd fan, and Chica de Los Ojos Cafe for reviewing! And todd fan, I love Forge, too! Sure they say he (General Li) died, but they never showed his body! (wink wink nudge nudge) Don't worry, I've been planning a little something something for that part since the beginning…teehee…you don't mind if I borrow Forge's tie-dye bandanna from ya, do you? ;D
DISCLAIMER: Can Remy speak Cantonese? Can Kurt count past 10 on his fingers and toes (poor guy)? Does anyone REALLY like JOTT?
Okay, so now we're back on plot…for the most part. Rogue was sleeping in her tent thing, Jimmy in her sock…until Pyro used him as an alarm clock.
"All royght, royse and shoyne!" Pyro said all cheerfully…well, when isn't he? "Got breakfast for ya! Look! It's porridge! And it's happy to see you!" He held out a bowl with porridge, two eggs and bacon shaped in a smiley face. Then Jimmy popped up out of the porridge.
"Hey, get out of there, mate!" Pyro said, flicking Jimmy out with his chopsticks – yes, everyone has Mad Chopstick Skills. Well, except JOTT, of course. "You're gonna make people sick!"
"Am Ah late?" Rogue asked.
Pyro shoved porridge into her mouth. "No toyme to talk! It's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher, and no foyghting. Play noyce with the other kids, unless, of course, the other kids wanna foyght, then you gotta kick the other kids' butt."
"Buh ahd n wonn ki te odda kisbuh."
"Don't talk with your mouth full, sheila," Pyro said. "Now, let's see your war face!"
Rogue just looked at him, with her mouth bulging out like a chipmunk's.
"Oh, Oy think moy bunny slippers just ran for cover," Pyro said sarcastically.
"Ya have bunny slippers?" Rogue said skeptically.
"Yeah!" Pyro nodded. "Foyre bunnies!" He showed her the fire bunny slippers he was wearing. "Oh yeah, and Forge made this for ya, sheila." He gave her a black collar with silver studs on it. (hehe, heartsyhawk, I hope you don't mind me borrowing that) "It's a-"
"Power inhibitor," Rogue finished.
"Yeah!" Pyro nodded happily.
"Thanks, Forge," Rogue said.
"No problem," Forge said smugly offstage.
Outside the tent, Charlie poked his head in. "Neigh! Snort-nicker neigh neigh!"
"Whaddya mean, the troops just left?" Pyro said. Yep, he can talk to chipmunks AND penguins AND horsies!
"They what?!" Rogue said. She jumped out of the tent, pulling on her other shoe, and ran off.
"Wait! You forgot your sword!" Pyro yelled. "Moy baby all off to destroy people," he said with the tone of someone watching their kid go to their first day of school. Jimmy jumped up to him. "Do you have a tissue, mate?" Pyro asked him.
"Chirp, chirp-chirp chirp." Translation: Boy, what a loser. But Pyro can't speak Cricket.
At The Training Camp Thing…
Everyone was talking to each other, and Scott was demonstrating his Mad Leadership Skills. "Order! Order!" he yelled.
"Yeah, I'd like a pan-fried noodles," Unimportant Soldier Dude #8 said.
"Ooh! Sweet and pungent shrimp!" Roberto said.
"Moo goo gai pan!" Unimportant Soldier Dude #2 said. I'm assuming Moo goo gai pan is a Chinese dish.
"Very funny," Scott said sarcastically. Oh yeah, that's some Mad Leadership Skills you got there, Scotty-dog.
"I know!" Roberto said, laughing and glancing over to where Bobby and Ray were laughing at Scott. I think we all know what's going to happen next…
"He's looking at me weird!"
"Your face is weird!"
Bobby, Scott, and all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes carefully backed away while Ray and Roberto beat each other up…again.
Rogue came running up. "Hey, guys…oh, they're at it again?"
"Yeah," Bobby said. There was something that sounded like a mini explosion, and everyone ran even further back, since Ray was now firing off electrical energy and Roberto was using his solar energy absorbing power…thing.
Wanda hexed them apart. "Rogue, do you mind?" she asked.
"Mah pleasure," Rogue said. She took off the collar and gave it to Bobby. "Hold this," she said, and walked over to where Ray and Roberto were being held by Wanda's hexing powers.
"No! Wait!" Ray said. "We promise we won't fight! Please don't zap us," he begged.
"Do you promise?" Wanda asked Roberto, who only stared at Rogue in fear and nodded. Hehehe, BOW BEFORE ROGUE'S POWER!!! Sorry.
So, a few seconds later, Rogue had the power inhibitor back on, all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes were making Unimportant Soldier Dude Chatter, and Ray and Roberto were being very good little kiddums and talking conversationally with Bobby and Rogue. And Scott was standing around like a loser/loner/BOTH with a pole up his ass.
Remy came out of his tent thingie with his jacket on. Why he had his jacket on, I have no clue, considering it was completely pointless, as he would be taking it off in T minus 5 seconds. Oh, and to the Remy-lovers out there (4…) (I think that means all of us), I suggest that you go fetch your drool buckets now if you need one.
"Soldiers!" He yelled. (3…) Everyone lined up in a nice, straight line, cuz Remy has that much authority and power over them, and Scott doesn't. (2…wow I'm counting slow…) "Y' will assemble swiftly an' silently every mornin'." (1!) He took off his jacket, showing off his awesome pecs…and abs…and extremely ripped arms…
Well, needless to say, Rogue was staring. And she had an excuse, considering Mulan did in the script. Remy picked up the crossbow and quiver. "Anyone qui asks otherwise, will 'ave to answer to moi."
"Ooh, tough guy," Bobby said. Unfortunately, at that moment, Remy walked right by him in all his shirtless glory…not that it had any effect on anyone except Rogue.
Remy turned around. "Bobby," he said, and aimed an arrow at him. Everyone else in line took a BIG step back. Who knew if Remy had good aim with a crossbow, but that wasn't the point. He can pull off the sexy archer look better than Legolas, any day. Needless to say, Bobby looked scared.
Even though he shouldn't have worried…no, wait, actually, he should have. Remy shot the arrow at the post thingie, and, of course, it sank straight in. Yep, Remy has Mad Archery Skills. "Merci fo' volunteerin'. Retrieve de arrow."
Bobby walked over to the post thingie. "I'll get that arrow, pretty boy," he muttered. "And I'll do it with my shirt on."
"Bon, because I don' think anyone wan's to see y' wi' y' shirt off," Remy said.
"Hey!" Bobby yelled. He was about to start climbing up the pole thingie when Remy stopped him.
"Wai' a minute," he said. "Y' forgettin' somethin'."
Scott came over, barely managing to carry a box that obviously contained something that was VERY HEAVY. Maybe they were Kitty's muffins…
Or not. Remy lifted two weights attached to cloth ribbon thingies like they were feathers. He tied one on Bobby's wrist. "Dis," he said, holding up Bobby's wrist. "Represents discipline." He dropped Bobby's wrist, and it plummeted to the ground. "An' dis," he tied the other around Bobby's wrist and held it up, "Represents strength."
"Please don't let go," Bobby said.
Remy dropped Bobby's wrist, and he fell to the ground. Ray and Roberto nearly collapsed on each other laughing…then realized it and jerked away. "Y' need bo' t' reach de arrow," Remy finished.
Somehow, Bobby got up. He stared up at where the arrow was…which suddenly seemed REALLY far up. He jumped, somehow scrambled up two feet, then started sliding down. He panicked and froze the pole…which only made things worse. Needless to say, he landed on his ass. Hard.
Somehow, between Bobby's turn and Ray's turn, the pole unfroze. How, I don't know. The point is, Ray did even worse than Bobby, somehow falling off the pole upside down. Go figure. Roberto landed on his ass, too, but due to his solar energy absorbing power…thing he accidentally knocked the pole out of the ground. Mysteriously, it landed back in perfectly. Rogue was the only one who fell back down normally. As Rogue walked back to her spot in line, Remy looked like he was going to have a migraine. "We've go' a lon' way t' go," he said. Then he grabbed a bunch of wooden staffs and threw them at them. Everyone caught one except Rogue, because Bobby caught it for her. He and Ray had decided now was a good time as any to start picking on her. Rogue glared at him, and he tripped her with the stick; then threw it on the ground next to her, trying to look innocent…yeah right.
Remy's Big Singing Shirtless Number starts in T minus 3… (although technically the music started when Bobby fell down the pole)
2… (oh yeah, the singing in ( )'s is by the backup dudes)
1… (please forgive my terrible attempt at Remy's accent)
CUE REMY!
Let's ge' down t' business
(This is another reason I picked Remy to be Shang. He's already got Mad Bo Staff skills, although in this case it's a wooden staff) Remy threw the two clay pots up in the air with his staff, then did a cool flip-turn-thing with his staff.
T' defea'
He smashed each pot with his staff as they came down, then landed in a lunge with his staff pointing at them.
De Huns
Everyone held their staffs out in front of them. "Hoo-ah!" Ick, it really pains me to type that.
Di' dey sen' m' daughters
Ray dropped a bug in Rogue's shirt, and she jumped around knocking everyone else out with her staff.
When I asked fo' sons?
Remy pole-vaulted off his staff and flipped over all the Unimportant Soldier Dudes, landing next to Rogue.
You're de saddes' bunch I ever met
Bu' y' can -bet-
Still trying to get the bug out of her shirt, Rogue accidentally socked Remy in the stomach with the end of her staff.
B'fore we're t'rough
Remy grabbed the staff from Rogue.
Monsieur, I'll make un homme out of you
The scene cut to a part of the camp near a tree with rings drawn on it. Remy launched three pomegranates up in the air with a board, shot an arrow through each of them, and sank them all straight into three rings on the tree.
Tranquil as the forest
All the Unimportant Soldier Dudes, plus Bobby, Ray, and Roberto, failed miserably at trying to shoot arrows through the pomegranates, much less at the tree. Rogue was about to shoot hers when Pyro grabbed the arrow from her, stuck it through a pomegranate through it, gave it back to her, and disappeared into her quiver.
Bu' on fire-
"Did someone say foyre?" Pyro asked, popping up out of Rogue's quiver. He was then chased by all the fangirls furious at him for interrupting Remy's song.
Wit'in
Remy glared at Rogue, who tried to pull a hehe-look-at-this-cute-smile-please-forgive-me.
Once y' fin' y' center
Unimportant Soldier Dudes #9, #12, #7, #3, and #18 threw rocks at Remy, who blocked them perfectly without spilling a single drop from the bucket of water on his head. That's just impossible.
Y're sure t' win
Rogue, on the other hand, seemed to be having a lot of trouble (duh! It's impossible!) Bobby and Ray grinned, tossing their fist sized rocks, while poor Roberto stared doubtfully at his tiny pebble. Poor guy…
Y're a spineless, pale, pat'etic lo'
Bobby and Ray threw their rocks at Rogue as hard as they could. Rogue ducked, spilling the water all over her, swung randomly, and sent one flying back at Roberto, knocking him over because he's not as insulated as Chien-Po.
An' y' haven' go' a clue
Somehow I'll
Remy stood in a stream. He expertly grabbed a fish out of the stream in the blink of an eye.
Make un homme
Rogue and Bobby tried. However, Rogue accidentally grabbed Bobby's foot instead of a fish.
Out o' you
Bobby and Roberto ran through a path of flaming arrows.
I'm never gonna catch my breath, Roberto sang.
Say goodbye to those who knew me, Bobby sang. He tripped, fell, and then a flaming arrow stuck him in the ass. Poor guy.
Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym, Ray sang. He tried to break through a foot-thick block of cement with his face. Also impossible. Unsurprisingly, he lost about five teeth.
Remy and Rogue were practicing hand-to-hand combat. After a few cool moves, Remy punched her in the face, sending her tumbling backwards into a tree, where Pyro washed her face with a wet washcloth.
This goy's got 'em scared to death! Pyro sang.
Hope he doesn't see raght through me, Rogue sang.
Roberto jumped across a few poles over a river, then stopped.
Now I really wish that I knew how to swim! Roberto sang. "I really can swim, you know," he added to no one in particular.
We know.
(Be a man)
We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river
The Unimportant Soldier Dudes tried to aim cannons at the Scarecrow Lance, and failed miserably. Heck, no one even hit the -100 point ring on the target.
(Be a man)
Wit' all de force o' a grea' typhoon
(Be a man)
Whistling innocently (yeah, right), Ray knocked over the sticks holding up Rogue's cannon. Rogue grabbed it, but it went off, sending the cannon backwards.
Wit' all de strength o' a ragin' fire
Namely, at Scott's tent. The whole thing went up in flames, including the back of Scott's robes. Haha, you loner/loser/BOTH.
Mysterious as de dark side o' de moon
Remy sat up on a hill, glanced at the arrow on the pole, and sighed. Poor dude.
Time is racin' toward us
Everyone was staggering up a mountain path carrying bamboo sticks with heavy bags of something tied to the ends – well, Remy was doing fine, cuz you can't have a body like that, plus be Captain, and not be able to carry it; and Roberto was carrying it like the bags had nothing but Pixie Stix in them, due to his solar energy absorbing ability…thing. Scott the Kissass got to ride on a P.O.'d horsie, and he got Remy's attention to point back at Rogue, who was way behind.
Till de Huns arrive
Not only was Rogue behind, she fell over. Pyro tried to help her up, but there was really nothing he could due, since he was only a foot tall. Not to worry, Remy came over and carried the bamboo stick with the heavy bags for her, all the while looking really, REALLY P.O.'d, even worse than the horsie.
Heed m' ever' order
An' y' migh' survive
The scene cut to later that night, when Rogue's apparently just finished from training. Remy walked over to her, leading Charlie.
Y're unsuited f' de rage o' war
So pack up, go home, y're t'rough
Rogue looked at Remy a little oddly for singing to her instead of just talking, but she took Charlie's reins and walked away dejectedly. Then she passed right underneath the shadow of the arrow in the pole.
How coul' I make un homme out o' you?
Rogue tied the weight to her wrist, tried to climb up the pole, and fell right off. Then she looked at them again, and was struck by an idea THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD PROBABLY THINK OF EVER IN A KAJILLION YEARS.
(Be a man)
We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river
She threw the weights around the pole so that the ribbons tied together, and started walking up the pole.
(Be a man)
Wit' all de force o' a great typhoon
The next morning, all the soldiers came out of their tent to see Rogue climbing up that pole.
Wit' all de strength o' a ragin' fire
Remy came out of his tent to see the arrow land right in front of him, and all the soldiers cheering. Rogue sat up on the pole with the weights slung over her shoulder and a big grin on her face.
Mysterious as de dark side o' de moon
(Be a man)
The scene cut to all the arrows with pomegranates stuck through them land bulls-eye on each target; then to the soldiers running up the hill with the bamboo sticks and the bags, Rogue in the lead.
We mus' be swif' as a coursin' river
Rogue and Remy were fighting again, and this time, Rogue kicked him in the chin, knocking him over.
(Be a man)
Wit' all de force o' a great typhoon
The scene cut to the poles over the river, with Roberto doing somersaults onto each of the.
(Be a man)
Wit' all de strength
Remy threw everyone wooden staffs again, and Bobby caught Rogue's, but instead of tripping her, he handed it to her.
O' a ragin' fire
The scene cut to Bobby running straight through a path of flaming arrows.
Mysterious as
The scene cut to Ray cutting straight through a foot-thick block of concrete with his head (having mysteriously regrown all his teeth).
De dark side of
The scene cut to a cannon blowing the Scarecrow Lance up; then to Rogue pulling five fish out of a stream.
De moon
The song ended with all the soldiers jumping in the air and kicking out with one leg and the staff, the other leg bent underneath them. Oh yeah, and a big "Hoo-ah!"
It really hurts me every time I type that.
That's it for now! Remy's Big Shirtless Singing Number! Next chappie: Lance and the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army talking about a dolly; Rogue, Ray, Roberto, and Bobby taking a bath/swim DEFINITELY not in the nude; Scott being a major bee's itch; Scott being a sissy; Pyro riding a panda…and that's about it. Also, please let me know who you want me to put Kitty with for my next ficcie! (Yeah, I plan way too far ahead, I know) Please review!