..:: Who Wants To Be a Eunuch? ::..
Whee! Reviews! Thank you to Chica De Los Ojos Cafe, psychobunny410, Sangofanatic, and heartsyhawk for reviewing! Yayness!
KITTY-wise, we have a three-way tie. Please include who you want me to put her with. I think for the movies I'll do Pirates of the Caribbean (KURTTY?), Moulin Rouge (LANCITTY?), and Anastasia (KIOTR?). I'm really debating myself over Anastasia/Moulin Rouge, cuz even though Piotr's Russian, he's just not the con man kinda guy! Likewise, Lance isn't really a sensitive writer dude. Some input on that would be greatly appreciated. Other suggestions for romance movies (preferably with happy endings – Moulin Rouge's a bit of a sore spot there) would also be greatly appreciated.
Moving on! Does anyone here NOT know what a eunuch is? Well, I'm not psychic, so let me know if you don't!
DISCLAIMER: Is Mystique perfectly sane? Will Todd ever learn proper hygiene? Did the makers of X-Men: The Movie get the pairings right?
So Lance was chilling in a tree, when he decided to be a BIG MEANIE and cut the top of it off. He stuck the sword back in its sheath on his back, nearly stabbing himself in the process, then saw his faithful falcon, Ross.
"Just for the record, I would NEVER name a falcon Ross," Lance said.
We know. I named him after my least favorite Friends character. So, anyway, Ross screeched or whatever, and dropped a little dolly. Lance reached out to snatch it from the air, got his foot stuck on a branch, leaned too far out, and – unsurprisingly – fell out of the tree to land in a painful-looking heap in front of the Brotherhood and Monkey Dude. At least he got the dolly. That's what you get for chopping off the top of a tree!
"Real-smooth, Lance," Pietro said.
Lance jumped back up and threw the dolly at Monkey Dude.
"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"
Uh huh.
"What do you see?" Lance asked Monkey Dude.
"Black pine, from the high mountains," Monkey Dude said. Wow, he's good. Must be his Mad Primate Skills.
"I'M NOT A-"
"Give it a rest!" Wanda yelled.
Toad grabbed the dolly from Monkey Dude, and Blob picked up a white horse hair. "White horse hair," he said. "Imperial stallions." Why thank you, Captain Obvious. Although some of them could be geldings for all you know.
Toad sniffed the dolly (ewwwww…) "Sulfur," he said. "From cannons."
Lance took the dolly back. "This dolly – I mean doll," Lance said, glaring up at The Authoress, although he really can't see her. "Came from a village in the Tung Shao Pass, where Old Man Forge's Army is waiting for us."
"I'm not old!" Forge yelled offstage.
"Just be quiet and accept it," Kurt advised him.
"Does she mock you, too?" Forge asked.
"Nope!" Kurt said happily. "The chicks did the fuzzy man!"
Yep. Don't ask me why, but the fact that Kurt's a blue and fuzzy elf makes him so much cuter than most of the other X-Men.
Back onstage, Pietro finally said his line. "We-can-avoid-them-easily."
"Nah," Lance said. "The quickest way to The Spyke is through that pass. Besides," he added. "The little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her."
"Excuse me, Mr. Lance." Lance looked down to see a little girl tugging on his jeans. "That's my dolly."
"Oh, uh, sorry," Lance said. "Here." He gave it to her, and the little girl went skipping off on her merry little way.
At A Lake Near Wu Zhong Camp…
"This is not a good oydea, sheila," Pyro said. "What if somebody sees you?"
Rogue was already in the water, and no, she is not in the nude! She's wearing a strapless bikini top and shorts. Probably black, cuz otherwise Remy would throw a fit. "If you're so worried, Pahro, go stand watch."
"Whatever, sheila," Pyro muttered. "Stand watch, Poyro, whoyle Oy blow our secret with moy stupid girly habits," he said, imitating Rogue…very badly. And there isn't really any secret to blow, since only Scott doesn't know she's a girl…but whatever.
All of a sudden, Bobby, Ray, and Roberto all came running down to the lake, pulling off their clothes…HOLD UP!
And wow, they actually listened and stopped. "None of you are wearing Speedos or anything, are you?" Wanda asked. "You're all wearing boxers, right?" They nodded. "Dark colored boxers," Wanda added. "And loose ones. Not those nasty Fruit of the Loom ones, or whatever. And no touching Rogue – yes, Roberto, we know about that part – anywhere beside her hands. Forge, that power inhibitor works in water, too, right?"
"No duh," Forge said. "I'm not a genius for nothing. And I'm not old," he muttered.
"What's with all the rules?" Bobby asked.
"Remy's requirements," Wanda said. "And it took forever to get down to these."
"Why?" Roberto said.
"Well, his original one was to make you guys eunuchs, but we talked him out of it." Wanda grinned at the very scared looks on the boys' faces.
"Besides, I thought you'd be grateful," Tabitha said, popping out of nowhere. (The rest of the X-Men had popped up out of sheer boredom.) "I know for a fact that one of you isn't so…gifted…in your assets," she said.
All three boys stared at each other in horror. "Oh, but don't worry," Tabitha continued. "Five inches is just fine."
"She's not talking about me!" Bobby, Ray, and Roberto all said in unison, despite the identical shades of red creeping over their faces. Well, actually, Roberto's was darker, cuz he's Brazilian, but that's beside the point.
"Riiight," Kitty said. "You mean you've been with all of them?" she asked Tabitha.
"Actually, I was just kidding," Tabitha said.
"WHAT?!"
So five minutes of lots of very colorful swearing (Portugese in Roberto's case) later, Bobby, Ray, and Roberto started their little race into the lake over again. "Me first! Me first!" Bobby yelled.
So since Roberto isn't super-insulated like Chien-Po (how many times do I have to keep saying that?), there wasn't a huge splash, but Rogue nonetheless tried to hide behind a lily pad instead of doing the smart thing – ducking underwater. But that would mess up her make-up, I guess.
She would've got away (actually, no, she wouldn't have), but Bobby saw her. "Hey! Rogue!" he yelled.
Rogue peeked out from behind the lily pad. "Oh, hey, gahs!" she said with false cheeriness. "Ah didn't know ya were here. Ah was just washing. So now Ah'm clean, and Ah'm gonna go. Buh-bye."
"Come back here," Ray said, trying to sound like a good friend, but considering the situation, it sounded kinda perverted. He backstroked over to the rock Rogue was trying to duck behind. "I know we were jerks to you before-"
"I wasn't!" Roberto interrupted.
"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Zen Man," Ray said. "So, let's start over." He held out his hand. "Hi. I'm Ray."
Rogue shook it. "Hi, Ray," she said, bringing her hand back only to slap Roberto.
"And I'm Roberto," Roberto said, tipping a lily pad on his head…go figure.
"Hello, Roberto," Rogue said.
Bobby climbed up onto the rock. "And I am Bobby, King of the Rock!" he said, putting his fists on his hips. "And there's nothing you girls can do about it." As if on cue, his boxers slipped. He reached down and pulled them back up, but not before everyone had gotten a view of his assets.
Well, everyone who wanted a view, meaning Jubilee and Tabitha (Rogue had run away as quickly as possible). "Well, it's definitely not him," Tabitha said, looking over at Ray and Roberto.
Ray and Roberto, meanwhile were completely unfazed by it. They were just insulted by the fact that Bobby had called them girls…and I'm not even gonna say anything about the picture of them that Tabitha took back in Vegas. They looked at each other, nodded, and tackled Bobby. The fight that followed wasn't a very good one, but Jubilee, Rahne, Amara, and Tabitha all watched anyway. Sam tried to be peacemaker and break them up, but he just ended up fighting, too. Or maybe he did that on purpose since the girls (coughRAHNEcough) were watching…
Beside the point. So Rogue climbed out of the lake, hiding behind Charlie. "Ah nevah-"
"Wait a sec!" Wanda said, having just found the note taped to the back of Evan's head. (1) "'To whom it may concern,'" she read aloud, "'We refuse to do this scene out of fear of Captain Remy making us all eunuchs, and have taken a brief vacation to Alaska. We will, however, be back in time for the next chapter. Sincerely, The Unimportant Soldier Dudes.'" Wanda rolled her eyes. "Remy, did you have to scare them away?"
"Have no fear, Multiple Man is here!" Jamie yelled, jumping in front of her and striking a cheesy Scott-like pose.
"Um, Jamie, do you know what a eunuch is?" Wanda asked him.
"Nope!" Jamie said cheerfully, despite the fact that he had watched Pirates of the Caribbean several times.
Wanda glanced over at Remy, who had a very bemused look on his face. "So, you're volunteering yourself to make multiples of yourself and run by Rogue in your boxers."
Jamie thought it over for a minute. "…Yup!" he said, nodding cheerfully…again. "For a price," he added.
"What?" Wanda asked. Jamie whispered it in her ear. "Okay, then," she said. Jamie then ran headfirst into a wall and created a couple dozen of himself (not the smartest thing, but, whatever). Then Rogue said her line over again.
"Ah nevah want to see anothah naked man again," she said, flipping her hair out of her face just to see a couple dozen Jamie multiples run past her in Spiderman boxers down to the lake to terrorize Bobby, Ray, Roberto, and Sam. "Or boys in Spiderman boxers," Rogue added.
"Okay, let's go!" the real Jamie said offstage to Wanda. They started walking out of the studio.
"Where-are-you-going?" Pietro asked.
"To Coldstone, where I will use my powers to terrify the workers into making Jamie a Candy Land ice cream cone," Wanda said. "For free."
"Can you get me a Banana Split Decision while you're there?" Tabitha asked.
"Oh, and a Chocolate Devotion for me?" Jubilee asked.
"And an Oreo Overload for me?" Rahne added.
"And a Very Berry Good for me?" Amara put in.
"Hang on, let me write this down," Wanda said. "Anyone else want anything?"
Needless to say, she was then swarmed by people to get them ice cream (who doesn't love ice cream?) After she and Jamie left (with a nice long list), Kurt took over as substitute director.
"How come Kurt gets to do that?" Forge demanded.
"Because the chicks dig the fuzzy man!" Kurt reminded him.
Anyway, back to the movie. Rogue had finished changing back into her training clothes and was walking back to her tent when she saw Remy and Scott the Kissass's silhouettes in Scott the Kissass's tent.
"You think your troops are ready to fight?" Scott said. He laughed. "They would not last a minute against the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Man…Hun Army."
"Dey completed deir trainin'," Remy said.
"Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers than you are to be captain," Scott said.
"You're de one who recruited dem in de first place," Remy pointed out.
Scott glared at him, because Remy was right (duh! JOTT never wins in my ficcies!) "Once General Forge reads my report, your troops will never see battle," he said.
Pyro was listening with his ear against the tent. "Oh no he doesn't! This goy's messing with moy plan!" he yelled to Jimmy.
Back in the tent, Remy grabbed Scott's clipboard before he could walk out. "We're not finished!" he said.
Scott snatched the clipboard away. "Be careful, Captain," he said. "General Forge might be your father, but I am The Spyke's counsel. Oh, and, by the way, I got that job on my own."
"What was I on when I gave him that job?" Evan said offstage.
Scott held the flap of the tent open. "You're dismissed," he said, and Remy stormed through. Oh, did I mention he had his jacket open, showing off his nice abs and pecs?
"Hey," Rogue said as he came out. "Ah'll hold him, and you punch!"
"Okay, then!" Remy said, and turned to walk back into the tent. Unfortunately…
"That's not the line!" Kurt yelled.
"Oh, but it's fun," Remy said.
"How about you make him a eunuch later?" Kurt said.
Scott squeaked like a mouse getting stepped on.
"Remy t'inks he's been a eunuch from de beginnin'," Remy said.
"HEY!" Scott said. Kurt, on the other hand, looked like he thought Remy had a point.
Well, anyway, Remy turned back around and stormed past her. "Or not," Rogue said. "But what it's worth," she added, "Ah think yah're a great captain." Remy stopped, glanced back at her with his peripheral vision, but kept on walking, leaving Rogue grinning like an idiot.
Pyro popped up. "Oy saw that, sheila," he said.
"What?" Rogue asked.
"You loyke him, don't you?" Pyro said.
"No!" Rogue said.
"Yeah, royght, sure…go to your tent!" he said, pointing.
Rogue turned and went, but not before looking back at Remy (who was WAY far away now) and smiling.
Hey! Did you know that in the movie, Mulan goes the wrong way? She should have gone to the right, where Mushu was pointing, but instead she goes to the left, which is the way Shang went. Which is totally wrong, cuz she goes the opposite way as him and looks backwards at him and smiles like an idiot.
Well, now that I've shoved a bit of useless knowledge into your head, I'll now get back to the movie.
"Oy think it's time that we take this war into our own hands, mate," Pyro said to Jimmy, who looked down doubtfully at his…er…feet? They're not hands, at any rate.
Pyro and Jimmy ran over to Scott the Kissass's tent. Pyro flattened himself against the side like some dude caught in police headlights in a crappy caught movie when Scott walked out, humming like a loner/loser/BOTH. Jimmy almost started crying when he saw what he was wearing. No, wait, Jimmy actually did start crying. And I would too, if I didn't hate crying.
Scott was currently wearing yellow slippers, a yellow towel wrapped not around his waist, but up to his chest, had another yellow towel wrapped around his head (???), and had another towel flung over his shoulder. Oh yeah, and he also had one of the bath brush thingies. I have not clue what they're called, cuz I don't use them. Could he BE any more gay? (Sorry, that was my moment of Matthew Perryness. I love Friends!) Actually, I don't want the answer to that question.
Inside Scott the Kissass's tent, Jimmy was slaving away, writing a letter in Chinese (who knew crickets could write Chinese?) while Pyro was staring at a picture of a very P.O.'d Evan. Scott the Kissass was shaking his hand and pointing at him while grinning at the camera (or Painter Dude, I guess, since it's Middle Age China) like a loner/loser/BOTH. You could just tell Pyro was itching to set that thing on fire…don't worry, Pyro, you can when the chappie's over.
"Okay, lemme see what you wrote," Pyro said, picking up the paper. "'From General Forge. Dear son, we're waiting for the Brotherhood…plus Monkey Dude…Hun Army at the pass. It would mean a lot to us if you'd come back us up.' Hm," Pyro said. "You also forgot to mention, 'Oh, and since we're out of potpourri, why don't you come and bring some!'" Jimmy nodded in agreement. "HELLO?!" Pyro yelled. "We're in a war here! Make it sound more urgent!"
Jimmy saluted, them jumped back in the ink thingie and started writing a new letter. "That's better, mate! Let's go!" He grabbed the paper and ran off.
Outside, Charlie was drinking from a water trough. "Charlie, mate!" Pyro said. "Listen, we need a royde." Charlie spat water out from between his teeth, knocking Pyro onto the ground. Jimmy quickly backed away.
Back At The Lake Near Wu Zhong Camp…
Scott walked out of the lake with one towel up around his chest and the other wrapped around his head. He held one of his slippers. "Insubordinate ruffians," he muttered. "You men owe me a new pair of slippers!" Bobby, Ray, Roberto, and Sam…plus a couple dozen Jamie clones…laughed at him. "And I do not squeal like a girl!" he added, turning around to see a panda eat his other shoe. And he squealed like a girl. What a surprise.
There was a Scarecrow Soldier Dude on the panda's back. Pyro was behind it, using bamboo sticks to control its movements; Jimmy was in the helmet, controlling its facial movements…sort of.
"Urgent news from the general, mate," Pyro said, using the sticks to shove the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's hand with the letter toward Scott. Scott squinted at the horse (not like we can tell, considering we can't see his eyes). "What's the matter?" Pyro said. "Never seen a black and whoyte before?"
Scott took the letter, then peered closer at the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's "face". "Who are you?" he asked.
"Excuse me?" Pyro said. "Oy think the question is, who are you? We're in a war, mate! There's no toyme for stupid questions!Oy should have your hat for that!" The panda walked past Scott and Pyro turned the Scarecrow Soldier Dude's torso backwards so he was facing Scott again. "But Oy'm feeling gracious today, so, carry on before Oy report you, mate." Scott looked down at the letter, and the panda climbed up a conveniently located tree.
At Captain Remy's Tent…
Scott burst into Remy's tent. "Captain, urgent news from General Forge!" he said. "We're needed at the front!"
Outside, Pyro grinned. "Pack your bags, mate," he said to Jimmy. "We're moving out!"
Okay, Pyro, you can go burn that hideous picture now.
(1) Got that from The Simpsons. Great show, man.
Okee, that's it for now! Whaddya think? Up next: the soldiers singing about girls, making Rouge pretty nervous; the Burned Village; dead soldiers (although they never show any horsies, go figure); and (GASP) dead Forge???? Maybe, maybe not. All I'm gonna say is that there's a tie-dye bandanna involved (which is todd fan's, not mine!) Yep, not much, but who knows how long the song's gonna be?
Oh, also, I'm a JUBBY shipper, but who should I put Ray and Roberto with? (No Rahne, I ship RAHM! I will get to that in some other parody, sometime.) Please let me know! Review and Wanda'll get you a Codestone ice cream!