Chapter 20

A/N: Hey guys :) thanks so much for the reviews. I kno that I said that this chapter wud b Seth's visit to Anna but I thought of something different…so his visit with her will be after this chap : ) k..the first half that's in italics is a flashback/dream. Enjoy and plz don't forget to read and review hehe I luv them : )

Seth grabbed onto the porcelain sink for support.

He looked up just in time to catch his reflection in the mirror, and was sickened by the distorted image of himself that wavered in front of him.

Seth could just make out the lines that hadn't been there before, the sunken sagginess his eyes had become and the hollowness that replaced his once vibrant features.

Shaking his head to erase the image, he leant over and, with effort, swung open the shower screen door. Fumbling with the hot and cold taps, Seth stuck his head under and let the water immerse him. He then pulled his head out and stood their dripping, leaving the water on so that Ryan would be under the impression he was showering.

Seth lifted his hands and ran them over his head, causing little drops of water to fall into his eyes. He blinked them away, slowly, trying to look anyway but at the mirror in front of him. Seth reached up and opened the cabinet doors, reaching in to find the tiny blue bottle his Mom had hidden in the back. A weird rush of adrenalin pulsed through him as he clasped the bottle between his fingers. They trembled a little from anticipation before Seth swallowed his pride and spilled the contents into his sweaty open palm, mesmerized.

Then a knock at of the door, shook Seth harshly back to reality.

"Seth man, come on. I didn't realize it took you this long to get that just rolled out of bed look." Ryan's voice came floating through the door, racked with sarcasm. Yeah, Seth really was having an impact on Ryan. Since when did he use sarcasm?

When Seth didn't answer, Ryan grew impatient. He wanted to get to the party already. Marissa was going to be there, and he really needed to talk to her.

Seth, panicking now, shoveled the handful of pills into his mouth, choking and spluttering as he tried to swallow the whole lot in one go.

Half of the pills spat back into his hand as he choked, trying to get them all down.

Ryan, hearing Seth choking, grabbed at the door handle, finding gratefully that it wasn't locked.

How could Seth be that stupid? How could he have forgotten to lock the door?

But then, without warning, everything turned into a sickening blur. He slid down to the cold tiles, coughing up more pills, all the while trying to get some down.

He felt Ryan beside him, felt him trying to help him up, but couldn't see him.

With Ryan's help Seth got up, instinctively heading for the sink. Turning on the tap, Seth cupped his hand and downed a few mouthfuls of water to let the pills slide down, before Ryan could stop him.

As Seth's hand had been scooping up water, the pills had slid down and into the sink.

Ryan tensed up beside him. He moved his hand down to the sink and picked up a handful of the small pills, observing them before letting them slide through his fingers and back into the basin.

"Seth…" Ryan began, his hand clenching into a fist at his side.

"What the hell is going on?"

Seth didn't answer, he couldn't. He went to the shower and turned off the taps. The dead ringing silence that now filled the bathroom was so deafening Seth couldn't take it. He was beginning to regret turning off the water.

"Ready for the party?" Seth wisecracked, trying desperately to fill the silence that was driving him crazy.

But Ryan was not amused.

His whole body shook in anger and the death stare he was giving Seth were defiantly deadly. If looks could kill…

Ignoring him, Seth went over to the sink and made a move to scoop up the remaining pills but Ryan was too fast for him.

He grabbed at Seth's shoulders in an effort to keep him away.

"Get off me – Get off!" Seth yelled, struggling against Ryan's too-tight grip.

"No." Ryan said through gritted teeth.

If Ryan's looks were deadly, Seth's were worse.

His eyes flashed red with such fiery malice that Ryan was taken aback. For one split second he let his guard down and let go of Seth in shock, as Seth went in and swung his arm to hit Ryan.

But he missed, and Ryan retaliated by shoving Seth into the glass shower door.

He didn't mean to use such force, but he needed to get through to Seth. For him to understand how serious this was. This was not a joke.

"It's happening again – I don't believe it – It's happening all over again." Ryan muttered to himself, just as he had that night Marissa was drunk and the cops pulled them over for the broken tail light.

"What's happening?" Seth pretended to look wide-eyed and innocent.

Ryan still had hold of Seth's shoulders and he wasn't letting go. Seth grimaced as Ryan's grip tightened unintentionally.

"The drugs, the screaming, the fighting. It's like Chino all over again."

Seth shook himself away from Ryan with much effort.

"What do you think Ryan? That you left Chino behind forever?" He laughed coldly.

"No. You of all people know that Newport is like Chino in so many ways…but people here just cover up their little secrets don't they? Mom and her drinking, Marissa with her…well let's just say Marissa shall we…even me. We're not perfect, Chino." He said, drawing out the last word scornfully.

"I feel like I'm in the fucken 'Me, Myself and Irene' movie. Is Seth Cohen in there somewhere? I'd like to speak to him."

"No, he's not…would you like to leave a message?" Seth retorted.

"I don't believe this. I don't believe you."

Seth rolled his eyes and headed for the sink again. Ryan, once again beat him to it, scooped up the pills in one swift movement, held them out in his palm in front of Seth before letting his hand tilt to drop the pills down the sink, watching with satisfaction as the water washed them down.

"I can get more…" Seth said quietly, unperturbed.

He reached into the cabinet to demonstrate.

"What do we have here…Pain killers, Asthma meds, Advil, oh and some sleeping tablets."

Then, without warning, Ryan lost it.

He grabbed a whole heap of the bottles in his arms and smashed them onto the ground, lividly.

Seth jumped as the glass and bottles smashed into little pieces at his feet.

Ryan's anger finally got Seth's attention.

Ryan continued to smash everything in the medicine cabinet.

It was like a switch turned on in Seth's head. He was Seth Cohen again. What was going on?

"How can this be happening again? How can I let this happen?" Ryan muttered to himself over and over. He was blaming himself for Seth's behaviour. He loved the Cohen's and everything was falling to pieces, just like the glass that surrounded them on the ground, and Ryan couldn't let that happen. He had to help Seth.

But Seth didn't need Ryan's help. Seth needed something else.

A nauseating wave of guilt swept over him. Everything was spinning. God, he hated himself. God, he just wanted everything to be back to normal. With Ryan, with Summer. God, what was happening to him?

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

That had caught Ryan's attention. He whipped around and faced Seth.

"Why?"

"Why?" Seth echoed.

"Yeah. Why are you doing this?"

Seth didn't know how to answer.

He felt incredibly weak and he didn't know why.

"I don't know. All I know is I can't do this anymore. Ryan, I can't do this."

He felt himself overwhelmed by sadness, and his body shook from the unexpected wave and impact it had on him.

"I'm so sorry."

Seth's vision was blurred by tears.

He felt arms wrap around his shoulders while he cried uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry."

Then everything went quiet.

Seth opened his eyes. Ryan was gone.

The room spun around him in a sickly blur and he felt, for the third time in days, that he was going to throw up.

Someone was moving towards him in the shadows. A figure cloaked.

Then, random images flashed before his eyes.

An ambulance, the hospital, Anna and Luke in a car accident, Zach punching Seth, Ryan, Marissa and Summer leaving for Tijuana.

Oh god, what was happening?

Seth shut his eyes, forcing himself not to see.

Then, hesitantly he opened them and found he was crying in Ryan's arms.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Seth? Seth wake up." Someone said from somewhere far away.

Seth's throat was hoarse as if he'd been yelling and his eyes burned.

His eyes snapped open again and he found Ryan over him, looking concerned.

"I'm so sorry." Seth choked, grabbing onto Ryan's jacket.

"Hey. Hey. It's OK. You're OK. It's just a dream."

Wiping his eyes so he could see, Seth saw he wasn't in the bathroom anymore. He was in a dark room that smelled strangely sterile.

"Wha- Where am I?"

"Your in the hospital. It's OK." Ryan said softly. Seth noticed he looked extremely pale. He looked totally lost for what to do, but he seemed to be handling it well.

Then, Luke walked in, stopping dead at the scene in front of him.

"Oh god, I'm sorry." He said embarrassed.

Seth, realizing he was crying in Ryan's arms, pulled away.

"Uh, I have a habit of doing that." Luke laughed slightly, mentally kicking himself for always running in at the wrong times.

"Umm…You can see Anna now…she's awake."

Seth turned away from them and wiped his face with his sleeve.

"Uh, yeah sure. I'm coming." He said, trying to smile apologetically at Ryan before he left the room.

Wiping his face again, he turned the door handle and walked right into Anna's room.

A/N ahhh yea! Had to get that out of the way. I kno its all angsty and shit but yea. It will get betta : ) it's just I rememba I said I'd do the flashback with Ryan and Seth so there u go! Anyway the next few chapters will b happier I hope : ) hehe please review! Ciao ;)