Idyll

Disclaimer: The Star Wars Universe doesn't belong to me, it belongs to George Lucas. Knights of the Old Republic and all its characters belong to Bioware/Lucas Arts. I am but a poor girl with a large imagination.

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Idyll: noun, 1. A scene or event of a simple and tranquil nature; 2. A carefree episode or experience; 3. A romantic interlude.

I've never considered myself a heavy drinker. I'll have maybe one or two Tarisian ales or Corellian brandies when I'm out with some friends, but I never make it a habit to drink more then I can handle. Only once did I ever fall into the bottle. That was when my wife died and my son was missing. It's a very common story, the dutiful husband destroys himself because he lost his woman, but it was more then that. It was so much more then that. If you've built your entire world around someone and it comes shattering down around you, how can you even bother to pick up the pieces? There isn't much of a point because you sure as hell can't put them back together again.

That first year was the hardest of my life. There was nothing left of my family, our house had been utterly destroyed. All I had were the memories of our time together and the holograph images that I kept with me. They didn't ease any of the pain or longing. Devastated couldn't even come near to what I felt. My friends didn't fill that hollow void within me that had once been the loves of my life. Even as I made inquiries about Dustil's whereabouts, I knew he wouldn't come back. I swore to myself that I would kill all those responsible for my misery. They had to be avenged, my wife, Dustil and least of all myself. My heart was boxed and sealed away forever.

So imagine my surprise when some strange woman on a rainy Tarisian day took out a key and opened me up. She pried my secrets out of me until I had nothing left to tell her…and even then it wasn't enough! Damn woman, I had to talk about the weather in order to keep her happy. She was clever though, she kept coaxing me further out of my shell and then she ripped it away. It wasn't funny, either! But, I couldn't be angry with her. Even after the truth was revealed that she used to be the personification of evil in the galaxy, that wasn't her…not the woman I was starting to care about.

I do care about her. I really do, sometimes I don't think I have anything left to offer though. She's beautiful, she has a great deal of power and she's made some very lucrative decisions. She's loved by all, enamored millions and conquered thousands. She's young, too. I'm not very popular with her masters; hell I'm not popular with many of her kind! Jedi do not love, they can feel no emotion. That's not her! She's not like them and that's why she's raised above them. They place her on a pedestal that no one else can reach, but she always lowers a hand to lift me up to her.

So as I sit at the small, Tatooine bar, its not a surprise that I've nursed the same drink for more then an hour. Moping. Sometimes I just have to get away from life. I do what I can to keep the doubt at bay. I shouldn't be on that pedestal with her. I give up on the glass and down the contents.

To hell with patience.

"Hey there, soldier." A woman sidles next to me at the bar. "Mind if I sit here? You looked so lonely when I entered, I thought you could use some company."

I shrug. "Of course. Seat's not taken." She's not a bad looking woman, nice figure, attractive features…it's a free planet. She can sit where she likes.

"Are you going to buy me a drink?" she gives me a crooked grin and motions her head to the bartender.

I scowl, but I do get her a drink anyway. It is only polite.

"So tell me," she comments after taking a sip, "why the long face?"

I stare into my glass. "I don't really want to talk about it. You wouldn't even understand"

She gives a little laugh. "I'm sure this gal can help you sort out your problems."

I continue to stare at the empty container.

"Keep looking at that thing and you'll burn a hole in the bar." The woman motions to the bartender and he fills my glass. She gives him a few credits and takes a swig of her own concoction. "Debt repaid. Now are you going to tell me why a handsome fellow like yourself is alone on an evening such as this, or am I going to have to extract the information out of you?"

"I'm not a happily married man," is my prim response. I risk a glance at her, she looks mildly surprised.

"Don't leave me with that little tidbit. Out with the rest."

"Listen, sister, my troubles are my own. I wanted to drown them in peace and quiet - "

"Touchy, touchy," she interrupts. "No need to go nova on me. You see, I too have my troubles and sought to drown them…just not with this foul liquid. Damn! What did you order me, hyperdrive coolant?"

I give a small chuckle. "Heh. That's brandy, it's the same thing I've got."

She wrinkles her nose and in some strange form of politeness, drains the tumbler and sets it far away from her. She emits a low hiss of breath as I can assume the brandy burns its way down her throat.

"If you didn't like it, why did you drink it?" I ask.

She shrugs and leans an elbow on the bar top to face me. "Its no fun to drink alone."

"But I still have my brandy."

"Hah! I can get more conversation out of a bantha than you." She leans in and traces my forearm with a fingernail. I try and suppress my shivers as she makes her way up my arm. "I can go if you want me to, but I'd rather not." Her eyes flutter as she follows the red path her nail has made on my skin. Finally, she meets my gaze. "I really am curious about your problem."

Women really know how to mess me up. "What's there to say?"

"First off," she purrs, "why don't you tell me what it is about your wife that irritates you."

"And then?"

She smiles slowly, "and then you can tell me all the juicy details in the relationship. I would be able to give the best advice, of course."

I can only sigh and give in. Damn their tricks. This is not my night for resistance. How do I start? "It's not my wife that irritates me. It's her superiors. She's uh…she's a Jedi. You know the whole drill, Jedi don't feel emotion, can't love and all that other crap."

She nods. "Oh yes. I'm quite well acquainted with the Jedi. You poor bugger, their women are frigid things."

I raise an eyebrow at her but she winks at me and I continue on. "They don't approve of us. None of her colleagues, save for one crazy old man, think that our love is a good thing. She's gone through so much though, who gives them the right to deny her happiness?"

The woman turns to stare out a window. "I don't think its her you have to worry about. Let this Jedi gal sort her own problems out. You don't meddle in a woman's affairs. Take care of yourself."

I nod my head. "Wise words. You sure you aren't one of those preachy hypocrites in disguise?"

She turns back to me. Her giggle sends shivers down my spine. "Preachy hypocrites in disguise? Oh my, soldier, you do have a naughty streak in you!" She gives my arm a squeeze before resting her chin in her palm. "So why haven't you just told the old kooks to leave you two alone?"

"I doubt that would make a difference. The Jedi Order is her life and profession, I can't take her away from all of that."

"You shouldn't presume to know what this gal wants. Have you tried talking to her about your doubts?"

"No, no I haven't." I scrub my face with the palms of my hands.

"That's rather foolish."

"Look, we've both been busy lately. Besides, this isn't a feeling that's just come up; I've felt this way for a long time. Even before we were married. She has this huge destiny and…I can't be a part of it. There feels like there's no place for me."

Another look of mild surprise. "You should really talk with her about this."

"Heh. Its not as easy it sounds, sister."

"Well," she sits up and stretches, "you're not doing yourself any favors by moping about."

Moping? Heh. I snort in indignation. "And what would you know about it? You came here to mope yourself."

She nods. "So I did, but men and women handle their problems differently. Women tend to -"

"Oh no, don't even try and pull that one on me. I'm not telling you anymore." I get the feeling she doesn't believe me.

"Very well then, soldier. You don't have to tell me anything else. In fact, I'll go one up and tell you my story. Would that make you feel better?"

"You do what you like. It doesn't seem I'll be leaving any time soon."

She gives a sigh and runs a hand through her hair before starting. "Thank you for being so enthusiastic." She looks sideways at me before going on. "I've got man troubles, soldier. He's a good guy, everything a gal like me could want…tall, dark, handsome. Claims he's the silent type but he's quite chatty if you needle him a little." She chuckles. "Its so hard not to be attracted to him."

"So what's the story?" I ask. I make a motion to take a pack of cigarras out of my pocket, but I gave them up years ago. Old habits die hard in the face of depression.

"You smoke?" she questions.

"Used to."

"Fair enough." She scrutinizes me for a few moments before placing whatever accusations aside and continues. "The story is that the two of us appear to be growing apart. I'm a working woman; my profession is all I've known for my entire life. Love has only recently played into the equation." Her fingers drum a little tune on the stained metal. "Now don't get me wrong, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but he doesn't really believe that." She shakes her head. "I don't know what I can do to make him any more at ease."

"He's probably afraid that if he latches on to you, he'll drag you down."

Now it's her turn to snort. "Drag me down into what? You men have such egos. It's always about you, that you'll drag us down to your level. Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps we could pull you up to ours?"

"Now who's got the ego? Pull us up to your level…heh. Sometimes there's not room up there for two people. Did you ever think of that?"

"Room can be made," is her response. "You think the universe is set in stone? Please spare me the melodrama. Situations change and people have to adapt. If you don't, you die. Facts of life."

"You lost me there."

Her voice isn't exactly angry when she responds, but I know that if I keep being difficult she might really give me a peace of her mind.

"Stop worrying about what other people think. You're the new situation; these crazy Jedi kooks have to adapt. Understand me so far?"

I nod my head.

"Good. You had me worried there for a minute, soldier. I wasn't sure we were speaking the same language." She removes the glass from my hands and sets it on her far side. "You have to understand that relationships are between two people. If one person's carrying all the weight, it's not really an equal partnership. You've been married, you know that."

I look away. I do know it; I've been very unkind. "Yeah, I do."

"Hey, look back here, soldier. Don't hide that handsome face from me." Her hand moves and tilts my face back towards her. She brushes a few stray strands of hair from my forehead. "So then, brown eyes, you know what I'm going to say next?"

"I can kinda guess," I reply.

"Then tell me." Her fingertips glide across the stubble on my jaw before her hand returns to the bar top.

"You want me to be honest about my problems. You also expect me to put away all my doubts and put a little faith in the relationship. You want me to believe that it will work no matter what happens." I smile at her. "I'll try."

"Do or do not. There is no try."

The smile slips to a scowl. "Don't try and sell that to me."

She raises a shapely eyebrow. "But it's true. You either want this or you don't. Make your decision, soldier. This gal won't be around forever."

I rub the bridge of my nose. "I know, I know. I haven't gone about this the right way. I haven't done anything right lately."

"I'll say."

If she's trying to rattle my nerves, it's not working. "Cute, sister."

"So I've been told," she serves back. I watch her fiddle with a ring on her finger. "Just don't keep avoiding the answer. Do you want this? It's an important question," she says softly.

I don't even have to think about the response. "I want it."

She grins at me. "Then take it. I would if I were in your shoes."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe. Would you ever be in my position? I mean, you are the expert." Putting her off guard, I shoot my hand across her to try and recover my drink.

Her hand reaches out to grab mine and I fall short of my goal. "I can only tell you what I want to hear. Whether you've listened to what I said, well…" she lets the sentence trail off.

We sit in silence for a few moments, my hand within hers. She idly strokes my knuckles with her thumb. Its amazing what touch can do.

"I listened." I slip my hand from her grasp.

I expect a sharp retort, but none comes at me. Instead she murmurs, "good."

I give up on trying to get my drink. "What are you going to do?"

"Well," she breathes, "I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to come to his senses. I'll hound my man to the ends of the galaxy." She loses her gusto as she finishes, "I only hope he would do the same for me. I'll never give up on him."

The words just come flying out of my mouth. "Even if he wants to give up on you?" Why don't I ever think before I speak? Stupid, ignorant bantha of a man! She looks as if I've slapped her. I try and stammer out an apology but the damage has been done. The words I say sound false even to me.

She halts any further sound from my mouth with a raised hand. She doesn't look at me. "No, no need to apologize. You…you raise a good point. I can't force him to stay, can't force him to love me. I…" she gives a bitter smile, "I would just hope that perhaps I mean as much to him as he does to me."

Redeem yourself, I tell my mouth. "Has he given you any indication that he - "

"Sometimes I can only guess." She swallows my drink. I don't see her grimace this time around.

Now it's my turn to make her look at me. I swivel her barstool towards me and take her hands in my own. "I don't think he will."

Her eyes dart to my face and then to some dirty spot on the floor. "Are you so sure, soldier?"

I release one of her hands so that I can raise her head. "Leave a woman like you? What is he, mad?" I know it's a poor statement but I manage to get a half smile out of her.

"You know, I have to wonder sometimes." She strokes my hand thoughtfully. "He followed me through hell and back and puts up with my merciless teasing everyday. He traveled halfway across the galaxy to get my wedding ring and answers all my irritating questions. If that's not a sign of madness, I don't know what is."

"You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself, you know that?"

And she gave me the same smile she had on Taris, the one filled with so much promise of hope and understanding. The one I fell hard for so long ago.

I can't help but fall again.