To Kindle Hope

We do the strangest things for those we love. We lose all self-control when moved to passion or anger and in those moments of rage and pain we forget who we are.

I've done it myself; left bruises where I should have been gentle or tears when there should have been a smile. I've always caught myself from falling too far in.

Not this time, though. I don't want to be in control of myself when I see her, when I have to touch her, act as I did when I was her lover. All I want to do is close my eyes, hang my head and wish for the ultimate end that she will never grant me.

I'm an idiot because I should have seen the signs. There were little things she did that could have raised a few eyebrows. Things like waving a docking fee, a threat to someone when she couldn't persuade them…it all seemed perfectly normal. It was harmless enough as she did good things too. When she helped someone, she really went of her way to do it. She was polite and cheerful for the most part. It only ended when her charm wouldn't work and then it was like a whole new person had emerged. It was a vicious part of her nature that I wanted to deny.

How could she of all people be an amoral monster? It just wasn't possible. I thought that maybe Canderous or another of the crew was influencing her with ideas, so I tried to give her my thoughts on a decision she was making. She never listened.

To those who wouldn't cooperate, she gave harsh ultimatums and the resulting outcome of death. In battle, she was methodical and brutal. She didn't look as if she reveled in the death, on the contrary, she looked determined and perfectly cool once the fight was over. It was as if the deaths were just a meaning to an end. It was nothing personal to her.

I thought it was the stress of finding the star maps and defeating Darth Malak. She was too young to be saddled with the burden of saving the galaxy, but when she was successful in finding one of the artifacts, the smiles she gave me were breathtaking. When her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement and her entire bodying humming with pleasure, well, I'm surprised I was able to hold off as long as I did. She coaxed me out of my shell and gave me a new reason to live. I still remember our conversation; it sealed the deal between us.

It was after we had found the last star map. She was the epitome of everything I had come to hate, yet she was also the very thing I woke up for everyday. She must have felt something for me too, otherwise she would not have spoken to me. The words just came out of my mouth as I saw her: lips parted slightly as she panted from the Tatooine heat and tresses of hair falling innocently in her eyes.

My mouth had gone dry and I tried to decide whether or not I was acting on that baser part of my mind. Her hand was surprisingly cool when it touched my cheek and I remembered my wife…and the pain of being alone washed over me.

"You gave me a reason to go on. I want to give you a reason too…with me. I think I could love you, if you give me the chance."

Her eyes were alight in a way I had never seen them.

"I think I could I love you too," was her quiet response.

I must have looked like a fool. I know that I was grinning stupidly from ear to ear and I swept her of her feet. We spun about the dark cave a few times before I set her back down and tentatively our lips met. Stars were exploding inside my head as our tongues dueled for dominance and hands explored unknown territories.

She broke the kiss first, leaning close to my ear and whispering, "I'll give you a reason to stay with me forever." She looked into my eyes, into my soul, and touched me there. I can only suspect she used the Force to do this, but she stroked that which I am and what I would be with her mind. "Never truly alone," she murmured and that's when I felt the presence. She withdrew…but left some part of herself within me, taking a part of my essence in to her. Like with Bastila, she 'linked' us together.

I thought nothing of it at the time. We made love many times the rest of the day and night, the bond between us growing ever stronger as we coupled. She was sensitive to me, she knew exactly what I was feeling and why. I don't think I could say the same for her. Her base emotions I could feel and I was sensitive to her physical hurts but in truth, that was it. She got more from the 'bond' then I did. Maybe it was because she was a Jedi, I don't know, but if I had known what she would have become, I would never have let her make the connection.

We were happy for a short period of time. I didn't see her eventual betrayal. I knew something was wrong when she returned from the Rakata Temple without Jolee and Juhani. Instead she had Bastila in tow. I felt the difference.

What do you say - what can you say – to the one person who matters the most in your life when faced with their most hurtful betrayal. You can't say 'I'm sorry I have to kill you now' that's for certain.

I remember abstract pieces of our conversation.

"You're not the woman I fell in love with." Don't you remember Tatooine? How we held one another and started to plan our future? Don't you REMEMBER? "I love you, please don't do this, not to us."

"This is the Great Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith and Ruler of the Galaxy." Bastila hissed. Triumphant.

"Thank you, Bastila, but you may hold your tongue from now on where I am concerned. Grovel on your knees if you must, but spare me the titles and the flattery. Carth, be gone from here."

"I'm going to save you." Don't look at me that way, don't do this to me. Not again…

"Go, Carth, before I change my mind."

Dismissed.

Mission and Zalbaar died that day so I'm told. The droids followed her. Canderous saw this as his grand mission in life, to serve Revan in anyway he could. I'm sure he wants to play surrogate Carth for her but I've a big enough ego to believe she won't let him.

I ran from them, thinking of a way to save the last woman I would ever love. I found the Republic or they found me and I told them all of what had happened. They didn't want to let me go to the Star Forge, so I stole a ship and flew there myself. I waited for her.

She had just killed Malak and was surprised that I had come back. I gave her my choices: she could either kill me, come back to the light or we could die together. That's when Bastila interfered. Subdued by Revan's proclamation that she would kill me herself, I waited and watched as her once blue lightsaber slashed at my chest. Tears streamed down my face as I hit the Star Forge's deck and I thought I was dead.

I awoke sometime later to find myself strapped down to a table. Revan was standing above me, concern etched on her features. She doesn't appear evil, she never does. She is quiet and charming and inspires loyalty because she is human. Being a dark lord of the Sith doesn't necessarily mean that she has be to be a frigid martinet. She is feared because she is methodical and intelligent and with the intelligence comes a very sophisticated, apathetic outlook on death and punishment. That is what inspires fear: her indifference to death and suffering.

Bastila stood behind her scowling. She, on the other hand, was brash and quick to act. She lacked Revan's flair in speech and leadership. Yet despite her missing tact, she did inspire fear. "You're weak, Revan. You should have killed him."

In all our time together, Bastila and I never saw eye to eye on anything. In fact, during our search for the star maps, she never gave me a moment's peace. Always she pushed her way into conversations I had with…with Revan or cornered me alone to chide me on my behavior concerning her.

I couldn't figure out why she was so adamant to keep us apart, but it dawned on me with her next few words: "Don't you understand, Carth? Revan is no man's mistress."

Revan turned a dark stare on her, "and am I now your mistress, Bastila Shan? Do not make the mistake of questioning who is the master and who is the apprentice."

Bastila wanted Revan, to be her, to own her. I don't know the whole story between them, only that Bastila had been the one to keep Revan alive when she was captured. Revan is five years older then Bastila, enough of an age difference for hero worship. Hell, the Jedi keep themselves so cloistered its no wonder that they start falling in love with each other. Juhani too, fell for her. With the exception of the droids, though HK does startle me, I think everyone she recruited was smitten with her. Yet she chose me.

I can't say I'm honored.

Once upon a time, Revan had once told me that she thought Bastila had captured her for the glory of being the strongest and brightest Padawan in the Order. I can't dispute that, I think it rings of truth. Revan was the best of her time; Bastila then became the best. Then Revan returned and Bastila was lost to jealousy. Malak fanned the flames, that's true, but Bastila was lost long before he came.

He was another example of those lost to her charisma. I wonder who pushed who down that road, was it Malak or Revan? Did he bring her along to impress her…or did she go to the farthest reaches of space to be away from the adoring eyes of those she met? It doesn't matter now at any rate.

It's been a few years since she's captured the Star Forge. Everyday I've wanted to drop into despair and die. She won't let me though. I don't have the time to feel empty when she fills me with rage or sadness or…hope. Revan is a master of psychology. She knows just what makes me tick and what will keep me going another day. She'll torture someone as I watch on, knowing that however resigned I am, my blood will run cold and I'll be filled with a longing to rip off her head.

When I'm at my lowest points, when I think I can't go on, she'll come to me and through our 'link', I'll feel her sadness. She'll look at me with her large eyes and it will be just like Tatooine all over again. She does this sporadically, messing with my head to make sure I can never really guess if she's being sincere or not. As I said, the bond between us truly works in her favor. It breaks my heart to feel her so sad but I want to kill her for what she's turned me into.

Revan calls me her guest on the Star Forge. I have nice quarters with appropriate furnishings and I can leave whenever I wish. I can't though. Not only does she have my heart, not only do I carry around a piece of her life force with me, she has Dustil. Whenever I speak of leaving or she reads from my mind that I want to go, we talk of Dustil.

"Dustil's very impressive," she'll say with no hint of malice. "He's almost a mirror of his father."

And I will cower in fear of what she'll do to my boy. Where Bastila is her apprentice, Dustil she is grooming as her protégé. She let's me see him whenever I wish, not stopping us from our contact because she has complete control over him and knows that it will break me. That's all we can talk about. I sit down with my son for some company and all he can say to me is that Revan has shown him so many aspects of life he's never considered. She's brainwashed him to be the sniveling acolyte at her every beck and call.

She doesn't need Canderous to service her if I die. Dustil would gladly jump at the opportunity. Like father like son, we adore Revan despite her darkness. Oh yes, she's given me a reason to stay with her forever.

I'm with her now, eating dinner as we talk of nothing and everything. She is dressed in black as is her wont but I don't see any markings of the dark side on her. She pauses the conversation and she stretches out her hand to touch my cheek. It's surprisingly cool. "I love you," she tells me softly.

No matter how hard I wish the words would ring hollow in my ears, I believe them.