Identities

It was quiet and dark within the confines of the Ebon Hawk. Peace had pervaded everyone's thoughts: Malak was dead, his fleet stopped and the world was safe. The reign of terror that should have enslaved the galaxy left an open hole within the day to day life of its inhabitants. For so long they had lived with a threat over their heads, first the Mandalorians, and then the Sith. Now there was nothing and they had to adjust to a life where their homes were no longer in threat of being destroyed or their lives shattered by the loss of their loved ones in combat.

In the happiness there was disappointment, and some beings felt more keenly the sorrow than others. 'Revan' was no longer at large; indeed, she was sitting in the cargo bay of the darkened ship, stuffed between the canisters; thinking. What had transpired between Malak and herself aboard the Star Forge had been misconstrued through out the galaxy. They said she had struck him down in a righteous fury, that he died a bloody death that had been a long time in coming. But it hadn't been like that.

They had fought, oh yes, they fought long and hard for their lives, but in the end Malak had repented. He had said that the light was stronger than the dark, that he had been wrong. It was too late for him to change the past, but he accepted his error, and that was the victory. Not his death, but his final words where he ultimately understood that light would conquer the darkness. He died the type of death that ended every storybook, but never merited in the world.

Of course the Jedi council did nothing to dissuade the masses from their popular belief. She believed they might have even endorsed it, allowed the people to embrace that the ultimate evil was destroyed and was never coming back. While the Jedi classified themselves in shades of gray, their associations were always of the black and white variety. There was always a good party, a bad party and a form of justice to be paid. Her hard efforts to bring about peace and truth were daunted by the people she worked tirelessly for.

But what they did that hurt the most, was allow her the luxury of the past. They gave her time to dwell on things she couldn't change but only accept, but how could she accept the death of millions of people? All the families that she killed; all the innocent lives she had taken within her dark side wrath were a scar to her soul. As she watched Sasha from the corner of her eye she had to wonder, how many like her had she left mother and fatherless?

The young girl was sleeping soundly in a nearby panel. Try as she might, not even Mission could convince the child to leave the spot. The Hawk's crew felt guilty that they had indirectly caused the death of her parents, but most of them would defend the youth to the bitter end, at least if their commander ordered them to. And she would, she'd die first before she let the world take a stab at the golden haired youth.

"The world has a lot of people," whispered the woman into the darkness. "Even for me, Revan the Destroyer, but as I like to call myself, Aurora..." that was her chosen name of course, Aurora Gemini. Well, not her chosen name. The Jedi Council had chosen it for her when she had her memory wiped. Still, it wasn't a bad name by any standards. The only problem was that it didn't fit with a nickname: Aurora the Jedi? Aurora the Hero? Aurora the Savior? Aurora the Preserver? Aurora the Protector?

Nothing stuck to her as it did to Revan. Revan the Jedi; Revan the Hero…Revan was the woman she was, not the woman she would be. It was there that the masses had to draw the line. She would not respond to the call of that name or any other that didn't start with 'Au' have middle letters of 'ro' and end with 'ra.'

"Aurora?" Mission stuck her head through the open passageway and gave a toothy grin when she found her quarry.

Aurora forced a smile and stood. "Shhhh. Sasha's asleep." She rested a hand on her hip and cocked her head to one side. It was her evaluation stance, the one she took when she studied potential allies or enemies.

The Twi'lek nodded her understanding and motioned for the Jedi to come closer. Aurora padded across the floor on booted feet and came to stand next to the blue scoundrel; both looking across the room to a sliver of silver light that illuminated the sleeping child. Mission stood a head and a half shorter than her comrade in arms.

"Do you always come here and watch her sleep before you go to bed?"

"If by always you mean ever since the Star Forge was destroyed, then yes." As an afterthought, the charismatic Consular added, "why, is that so strange?"

Mission shook her head. "No, I used to do it too. When I was trying to come to terms with Griff, I would just sit and watch her. It's very relaxing, ya know?"

Exhaling slowly, Aurora patted a hand on her younger friend's shoulder. "I do. Look, I'll see you when my shift starts in six hours."

"Alright then. I'll go tell Bastilla and Jolee you're going to sleep, mkay?"

Nodding her assent, Aurora slipped from the cargo hold into the storage area. She passed a recharging HK-47; his red eyes dim as his internal batteries took a much-needed rest, though he'd never admit it. She could hear similar clicks coming from the common room, most likely T3-M4 doing the same. Jolee and Bastilla were there with the small astromech. She could hear Jolee's annoyed rumble through the walls as he gave some protest to Bastilla's Jedi teachings. It was just an average night on the Ebon Hawk.

She meandered her way around several scattered swoop bike parts and let the dull whoosh of the air purifying systems lead her to the starboard sleeping cabin. The tall Jedi traced the durasteel rivets in the sliding door that led to her bunk. They were smooth and cool to her touch, a small comfort to her tingling fingertips. It had the same effect on her forehead when she rested it against the doorframe; the chilled metal absorbed any last minute tensions from her skull.

"I know you're lurking out there," came a muffled voice from within the room. The Consular slid aside the door and stepped inside. She locked the door behind her.

Aurora found Carth Onasi sitting on the corner of his bunk, his back pressed against the wall, one leg dangling off the edge and the other curled inward. He had a data pad in his hands and a smile on his lips as she entered. She found him as endearing now as she did when she first awoke to his face what felt a lifetime ago on Taris. She gave a small wave and moved to her personal effects chest so she could dispose of her outer tunic and boots.

"How did you hear me?" She asked at last, standing barefoot on the icy floor.

Carth shrugged, "soldier's intuition." He noted her raised eyebrows and gave a small chuckle, "I've been playing Republic soldier for more years than you've been alive. Cut me some slack, woman."

"You've been handling guns since you were thirteen? My, my, you do impress me."

"Do you think that's all I do, fire guns and fly ships?"

"But it's such a nice distraction for me to think about before I go to sleep. Surely you wouldn't deny me this small respite, so that I can at least dwell on something other than my past?" replied Aurora quietly.

Carth's took a moment to process this information before he dropped the data pad to the floor and opened his arms to beckon her forward. Aurora heeded his call and moved across the room to crawl onto his bunk. She settled herself in the crook of his folded leg and leant back against his chest. Carth wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, murmuring softly to never let her go. He stroked her stomach with one hand, the other holding her own to her heart.

The two stayed like this for some time, neither quite able to sleep, but content to listening to their partner's even breathing and feeling the warmth between their bodies. This wasn't the first time they had shared a retreat amongst the darkness in order to heal themselves. Both had demons to battle and shadows on their shoulders, and neither could drive them away without the other. Whenever they could get a moment alone together, they took it.

Aurora was the one to break their silence. "Who am I, Carth?"

Carth took a lock of dark hair from his shoulder and kissed it. "You're Aurora Gemini."

Aurora savored a bitter smile, "Am I really?"

"Of course, you've proven that more than enough times. It makes sense."

She swallowed a lump in her throat before speaking again. "So all of this is reasonable? This being, Aurora Gemini, the smuggler turned Jedi, has a rational past? After years of smuggling spice and weapons to make a living in a cruel universe, she's picked up by the Republic in order to serve them?" She sighed. "So what did she do then? She was forced to find Bastilla Shan: she completed her mission. She then became a Padawan and from there she discovered the truth. The life was in its entirety, was a lie!"

"So you wouldn't live this lie?" asked Carth, setting a callused hand on her thigh.

"I could never live that lie."

"Could you live with past?"

"Why? Have you considered my alternative lifestyle as Revan?" Shame was evident in her voice. "I killed over three hundred thousand people, destroyed close to four planets and threatened the balance of power in the universe. I fell to the darkside, and my best friend followed." Wetting her lips before she spoke again, Aurora couldn't help but be unnerved by her own self pity, "In case it hasn't dawned on you, I was a monster and a tyrant. I had the galaxy on its knees before me, begging for the mercy I would never grant. I suppose," she stopped. "I suppose the Jedi should have let me die."

Carth did not respond, but instead shifted the woman in his arms to face him. He gave her a gentle kiss on the lips and rested his forehead against hers.

Aurora remained motionless and quiet, her eyes looking through him to the wall beyond. "You're going to say I need to strike a balance between the two."

Carth nodded his head.

"You've been hanging around Jedi too long, I think, Carth. Their ideas are rubbing off on you."

"I'm not gonna impart the wisdom of age on you," he said thoughtfully. "But I've had times in my life well…I wonder if the person on the other end of my blaster has any wife and kids. I do my job, I protect the innocent against oppression, but that doesn't mean I don't get upset about what I've done, or what I'll do in the future. But I accept -"

"You only accept me because you knew Aurora, not Revan," interrupted the brunette. "You mean everything to me, but I remember a time when you weren't so ready for me in your life." Aurora gave a sigh and reached up a pale hand to touch his cheek, "when you rejected me after you learnt I was Revan, I didn't know what to think. I was lost, confused and most of all guilty.

"It was overwhelming what I felt. It wasn't just the rejection; it was the knowledge of who I was, what I became. I won't lie to you, Carth, I considered that once I killed Malak, death would be a very inviting option for me to take."

Carth stiffened and pulled back, his hands grasping her shoulders firmly. "No. NO! You can't and…and you won't!?"

"Easy there, soldier," said Aurora, patting his cheek lightly, "For the most part, I've moved away from thoughts like that. I think that death would be far too lenient a punishment for me."

"Don't say things like that!"

"Guilt overwhelming, Carth! That's what I feel! Every day I wake up I'm assaulted with the knowledge of my devious acts! I can not lock my feelings away to make you feel any better, I'm sorry but it doesn't work like that. You don't understand this pain…this agony that gnaws on me every second!"

Both their eyes were wide with anger, their voices strained.

"Then we can work a way through that! But damn it, woman, the more self-pity you give yourself the worse its going to become. Believe me, I've traveled that lane! I traveled it with you, and you gave me a way out."

"But there is no quick and easy way out! Jedi are different from soldiers, and redemption is much harder than you'd think! It's not fair to those who have passed on if I simply get up and walk away! I'd have paid no penance for my crimes."

"YOU DON'T OWE ANYTHING TO THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE! YOU KILLED MALAK AND THAT'S THE END OF IT! THERE'S YOUR REDEMPTION, YOUR PARDON!"

"THINGS AREN'T THAT EASY! I NEEDTO FEEL THIS PAIN! IT MAKES ME FEEL HUMAN, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!"

"NO!" Carth's face was streaked with tears, "no, no I don't understand." His voice became somber and the angry glint in his eyes faded.

Aurora took that as a signal that she too, should calm down. With as much control as she could muster, she asked, "what is it that you don't understand?" She pronounced each word; every syllable was as hard as rock pouring from her lips. It showed her agitation and her battle for control.

"You said to me that you didn't want to feel the guilt of Revan's past and yet you just admitted that you wanted the pain? Why box yourself in?"

The Jedi saw the flaws in her outburst; she let out a resigned sign. Her battle for control had been won. "Carth," she said quietly, "I simply want the pain, not the guilt. Jedi are expected to accept the consequences of their actions, and I can be no different. I have to come to terms with Aurora's guilt and pain about Revan's actions. Pain I can handle, the agony I can deal with. This…remorse though, is beyond anything that I've ever…oh God, I just don't know."

"You do know, you just won't tell me. So let's be honest with one another, my blasters are on the shelf above you, are you going to take them one night and kill yourself?"

Aurora gave a wry grin, "to be honest the thought does cross my mind for fleeting moments, but its such a…such a messy chain reaction. First of all everyone would be sad, then you'd be leaderless…I mean," she shrugged, "you're all strays, aren't you? All of us."

Seeing Carth's blank stare, she counted the group members on her hand as she rattled them off, "we have a former Cathar slave, a Jedi who gave into the darkside, a former Sith Lord, a cranky old man, a Mandalorian with no clan, a Twi'lek street rat, a soon-to-be Wookie chieftain, an assassin droid – which is illegal in ninety percent of the galaxy I might add – an astromech that I swindled and a soldier who's lost his family. Never have I heard of such a motley group joining forces."

"But why do they stick by you?"

"Pardon?"

"Come on, Aurora. Why do you think we stick with you? You've nearly killed us more than once and you've given us the surprise of our lives. So why? Why after all this time do we strays stay?"

The Consular grimaced, "because I'm naturally charismatic. It's the key factor that won Revan such support. Its because I have ludicrous ideas, because I come up with wonderful plans to save our skins. Its because-"

"Because, as much as I hate it, Revan is a part of who you are. Aurora is a part of who you are too. Hell, do you really think I'd fall for a woman who'd tie me up and put a blaster to my head?"

"I don't know, are you the kinky sort?"

Carth shook his head and laughed, "I really should've seen that coming, huh?"

"Mhmmm."

"Yes… right. But to give you an example, my homeworld, Telos…well you know I can't hold you responsible for it. That doesn't mean that it's not far from my mind, but it was Malak who destroyed it and he got what he deserved. He's dead, and that's good enough for me."

Aurora stiffened and turned her head, "what's good enough for me is that he admitted he was wrong."

"Hey…hey…don't be like that."

"I'll act however damn well I want on the subject of his death!" She took a pause to recover herself, the outburst being quite unexpected. "But you were saying why everyone stuck with me?"

Tracing a rough finger along Aurora's jaw, Carth turned her head back towards him. "Mission would say you have the best of both worlds. And as strange as it seems, I'm starting to feel inclined to agree with the kid. You have Revan's mind, yes. You have her intelligence and you have her talents, but the personality…its not her's."

"But its not mine either! Aurora is just a programmed identity, Carth. Even Juhani hints that who I am now is like the Revan of the past. Aurora might have been given the skills of a rogue but she also had the same qualities."

"You've lost me there."

The Jedi leaned forward on her hands, "I lose myself thinking about it, but I've narrowed it down. I think that Aurora and Revan, are one and the same."

"But then why the problem with identity?"

"Because the only thing separating them are the paths they've walked. I don't know if Aurora will follow Revan's foot steps, if she too could fall to the darkside." The Jedi curled into her lover's warm body. "I didn't get to choose my memories, I never got to decide how I could relive my life. I get flashes…moments where I see my past, Revan's past. Sometimes I feel like I'm in two different worlds, one where I'm playing Aurora and the other I'm playing Revan."

"Damn it, you can make things so complicated."

Aurora managed to laugh. "But that's why I have you. You're so simple."

"Such abuse."

"You love it."

Carth shrugged and stretched himself across his bed, bringing Aurora down with him. He touched his nose to hers and brought her hand to his heart. "You've asked the question and now I'm going to give you an answer. This may not solve all the problems, but it's the one I think you need to hear." He took a deep breath. "Who are you? You are the woman I love. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, protecting and cherishing. You are the thing that keeps me going and I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Oh, Carth-"

"I'm not finished yet. Look, it doesn't matter to me anymore who you choose to be. You say I fell in love with Aurora Gemini, but you also say that she is the same as Revan. If I can get my facts right, I'm loving the same person." He smiled, "which saves me a hell of a lot credits in the long run."

"Oh…you…be quiet!"

"Whatcha gonna do, beautiful?" whispered Carth, "tie me up and put a gun to my head?"

"I might consider it, you son of a Sith."

"Ouch, gorgeous, ouch. Your insults are really improving."

"Thanks, I'm trying." Aurora gave a wink and a quick kiss to him before she tucked her head underneath his chin and intertwined her legs with his, settling herself for sleep.

Carth accommodated her body and pulled a blanket from the compartment above his bunk. "Does this mean you've come to a decision?"

The Jedi smiled against his neck, "no, not yet. But thanks to you, I'm getting there." She closed her eyes, and this night, there were no dreams of death, no memories that came forth from their hiding place; it was just the far away sound of Carth's steady breathing and the blackness of sleep.