The trees were beginning to turn to their autumn colors. It was hard to believe that it had been almost a year since he had carried Lucy outside to sit when she had hurt her leg. He didn't take a single guest all summer. He spent it alone. After another day of hard labor, he opened the door to his house. It was then it hit. An overwhelming sense of dismay and despair. He sank to the floor and dropped his head to his hands.

Pastor Tom had been right. He needed to forgive. Forgive Jeremy, forgive Lucy and mainly forgive himself. He knew Lucy needed God's love, but instead claimed her heart for himself. Jesus, I failed. Help me fix this. He let his desire for Lucy get in the way, and he lost everything.

He only had one thing to turn to. Faith. He had neglected it all summer and now it was open to him again. He prayed for Lucy. It was the only thing he could do.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lucy sat in her room. Alone. She couldn't stop thinking about Jeremy. Why should she care about him. He was the one who kicked her, who slapped her. Her thoughts made other memories flood her mind. Hands in the dark, where they shouldn't be with her back against the cold closet wall. But were they Jeremy's hands? Or God's?

She had fought back with all her strength, but it didn't do any good. "Little minister girls need to be taught a lesson." All she could see was the window with the angel fighting the devil. Did she really remember what happened as she stared at the hawk on Jeremy's wall. "You're crazy! I never raped you."

Then it came to her. Jeremy didn't rape her. It was the other man. Jeremy's fists triggered the terror, but he hadn't started it. Her mind was saturated with memories. She blamed Jeremy for her loss of innocence, but it wasn't him.

He killed herself and it was her fault. Shakes overcame her. Not from fear, but from guilt. Maybe she did need help. But who could she trust?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lucy sat at the piano. She just couldn't get this section right. She ran her fingers over the keys again. The door bell rang, but she didn't get up.

Her dad came in. "There is a man at the door. He wants to see you."

She sighed. "Tell him I'm not interested." She turned her attention back to the piano.

Eric frowned. "No. You tell him yourself."

She slammed down the cover on the piano and stalked to the door. She stopped and her heart skipped a beat. "Ben!"

He stood at the door smiling.

Her dad came over and stood by her. "Dad, this is Ben Kinkirk. Ben, my dad, Reverend Camden." They shook hands.

"Ben I'm so surprised to see you!"

"Well I'm here on business, but I was hoping I could treat a beautiful woman to dinner."

"I would love to. I'll need a moment to get ready."

"All right."

Eric smiled as she went upstairs to change. Thank you Lord. He smiled and motioned Ben inside.

Lucy ran upstairs and changed into a teal dress. It was simple, but elegant. She brushed her hair and put on some blush. Why was Ben here? Did Kevin send him? It didn't matter, she was happy to see him.

She went downstairs and saw Ben and her dad sitting in the living room. She kissed her father's cheek and they left.

They arrived at La Belle Maison, a very fancy Italian restaurant. They were seated at a table and Ben insisted they order champagne. She had to agree. "So Ben, still saving people?" She asked with a smile.

She let him talk. He poked fun at the people he helped. She laughed at all his jokes. "And what if they don't follow your guidelines?"

"Then I leave. I don't waste my time."

"You have project here in New York?"

"You could say that."

"Is it a family corporation or publicly held?"

He sipped his champagne. "Definitely family."

She didn't want him to look at her the way he was. She wasn't sure what he wanted, but she sighed and decided to enjoy the evening. She hadn't been out in a while and she enjoyed his company.

"So I'm sure you agreed to come out tonight because of my irresistible charm." He smiled as he finished his glass of champagne.

She smiled. "Isn't that obvious."

"You can be so sarcastic sometimes."

"Do you think I'm lying?"

"Are you?"

He'd caught her off guard. What did he want? She cared for him and she didn't want to ruin the evening. "You are charming Ben."

"And you are beautiful. Do you remember the first day you came to the ranch? You looked so out of place in the rugged environment. You make everything look so plain."

She blushed.

"Kevin looks like hell now. He's thing and not eating well and working way to hard."

Why did he have to bring Kevin up? She felt bad that he wasn't feeling well. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Sorry, just wanted to see if you still love him."

"What I feel towards Kevin is private."

"Well what do you feel?"

"Nothing! Stop it! Why are doing this to me?"

"Because I want you and Kevin back together."

She refused to imagine Kevin hurt. She all ready had enough guilt for Jeremy. She didn't want anymore. Besides, Kevin was better off without her.

"Lucy, he's even lost his faith. He loves you and it's tearing him apart."

Tears formed, but she tried to blink them back. "I never wanted to hurt him."

"There is something special between you two, don't let him go."

"That's not the point."

"Then what is it? Sex?"

Her eyes flew open. No one had ever been that blunt. It was partly true. How could she marry Kevin when just the thought of intimacy scared her. She composed herself. "Why do you think it's that?"

He smiled. "Partly my ego. But I also know what rape does. I got Kevin drunk and he told me about Jeremy."

Kevin drunk? That was hard to believe. But that was another topic. "It wasn't Jeremy. He was violent and his abuse triggered something else."

"Tell me."

Her voice was barely audible. "I can't." She didn't want to lose it right here. She paused. "It happened a long time ago. Jeremy triggered other memories. I accused him and he died because of me."

Ben shook his head and took her hands. "Jeremy made his own mistakes, it's not your fault. Lucy, Kevin loves you. He'd live celibate for you."

She tried her hardest to blink back her tears. "I can't ask him to do that."

"He would, he loves you that much."

Tears began to fall. "Let them come Lucy, it's been to long."

Ben left some cash on the table and led her out. They rode back in silence to her house. He walked her halfway up to the door and stopped. "I'm going to kiss you Lucy and then you'll tell me how much you love Kevin."

He kissed her before she could protest. She liked his kiss, but it was nothing she felt with Kevin. He pulled her close. "I'm not leaving until you tell me you love Kevin."

She laughed through her tears. "Oh Ben." She paused. "I love Kevin. And you too, but not in the same way."

"Good, so what are you going to do?"

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it."

"That's a start." He kissed her cheek and left.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
She went upstairs and straight to her room. She crossed the room and went to her dresser. She opened the jewelry box her mother gave her and pulled out Kevin's ring. She held it in her hand, looking at it. She pulled it close to her heart and cried. When she had no more tears she put the ring back in the box.

She crept downstairs, not wanting to wake her dad. She went to his office and sat at his desk. She stared at the picture of her mom. Annie looked so happy and full of life in the picture. It was a sharp contrast to the dying woman she remembered. She sat awhile longer looking at her picture, imaging how things would be different if she was still here.

She went back upstairs and opened her closet. Back in the corner was a wooden box filled with things her mother loved. She opened it and sat looking at the contents. She had done this many times when she was younger, but had never taken anything out. This time she did.

There were letters and cards from her dad, the first picture Lucy had drawn for her mom and antique jewelry. The last thing she pulled out was her mother's Bible. "He's lost his faith." Those words from Ben echoed in her mind. How long had it been since he called. Four months?

She pulled out the Bible. The pages were gold-edged. A lavender ribbon marked a page and she opened it and turned to the page. The word Psalms was at the top of the page. In the margin was a date and a note. She read it. For Lucy, November 12, 1984. Four days before her mom died.

A section was underlined. "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. My help from the Lord, which made heaven and earth." Lucy closed her eyes as tears came. She continued reading the underlined passages.

"He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber... The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming inform this time forth, and even for evermore."

How was that possible. If God was preserving her, how had she been hurt? It didn't make sense. But when her mom was dying, she marked these words. Did she believe them, like Kevin?

Lucy pictured Kevin standing with her at the airport. He wanted to help, but she refused to let him. Had she refused God's help too? God hadn't stopped her mom from dying. She looked up at her picture. Why did He let her die so young? He took a mother from her child. Yet in her last days, mom marked these sections for her. Was this God's love?

A/N: This chapter makes me sad, but I hope y'all like it. Please review!