Heal Me
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His absence hurts.
It kills me. Ripping me into tiny pieces. He took my heart in his hands and slaughtered it, and before it had a chance to mend, took a small shard of the remains with him.
So I could never heal.
I walk to school every morning now. To avoid my stepbrothers questions, as they have tried to ask me so many times around the house when they catch me walking with my head facing the floor, eyes dull.
I'm living my life but I'm not alive at all, I'm dead. Jesse killed me.
Jesse killed me.
My bag feels heavier than usual when I walk, although I pack the same books. Everyday it grows, the burden gets bigger, and it's weighing me down.
And I'm not getting over it.
I know I can never heal.
The tears come whenever I think about me. I'm not myself, and I'll never be myself again.
The tears come whenever I think about him. Liquid black eyes, crisp black hair, the caressing Spanish accent, his lips on mine…
The tears come whenever I think about us. The love we had. The way he ended it.
Stop it Suze, you can get over this.
But I can never heal.
If you can get over this, you will be all right.
But I can never heal.
See the situation in another light, and you will be all right. You can get over this.
I may get over this, but I can never heal.
The periods of school slip by, hour by hour, and before I know it. It's lunchtime and a bright, sunny, Thursday.
Eyes on the ground, I walk fast. So he cannot keep up. Although I know he's not there.
He'll never come back.
He'll never be there.
Jesse killed me…
CeeCee and Adam don't know what is happening to me. I don't know what's happening either, only that I'm changing. Morphing into some lifeless monster that is so different to myself.
Yet, they sit by me still. Just ignoring it, as if my behaviour never changed. But I know it's hurting them, it's hurting them like Jesse hurt me. And although I want them to be all right, to make sure they are not aching inside from my demise, and although I want myself to say something… when I try to say it nothing comes out. They are real friends, friends that I am abusing.
If my day could not get any worse, my heart broken, my eyes sore from crying and my head down as I try to avoid any emotion, Paul Slater comes to see me. At lunch, on that sunny Thursday.
When I look up at him, he reminds me of Jesse, of all the times that he tried to separate us. I knew he was coming up to me because of our deal. The shifting lessons that he had planned with me so he wouldn't exorcize Jesse. But personally, I don't care what happens anymore, to anyone.
Especially not to Jesse.
I guess I was wrong. Not about Jesse, Jesse I was positive about, and the fact that I don't care for him anymore.
No, I was wrong about the fact that Paul was going to ask me about the lessons, what time I would be there, what we were going to research, what would happen to a certain Latino ghost if I didn't show.
The first thing he did was say, "Suze, Can I talk to you?" Although I was reluctant at first, I nodded, my eyes focusing on him.
The second thing he did was taking my hand, pulling me with him as he walked towards the Mission's beautiful fountain. Or the fountain that once looked beautiful, now a tainted wreck.
Still not letting go of my hand, he sits down on the stone that blocks the water in the fountain from the grassy ground below.
I sit down with him, not knowing what else to do. I didn't care anymore, about how scared I was of Paul, what he could do to me, I let that go when Jesse told me we could no longer be.
The next thing he did was hold his hand tighter in mine – he still had not let go – and looked at me with icy blue eyes. Ones that looked alight with concern, the concern that I could not interpret then and there. "Suze, Something's wrong…you've changed."
Thanks for noticing. At that thought, I was surprised at myself. That I could still use sarcasm after what had happened. Nothing had righted itself though; it never would as far as I was concerned.
I said nothing. There was nothing I could say. I was a broken girl.
Broken…
Then I remembered. All the times that Paul Slater got in my way, all the times he ruined my life. That's what he wanted to achieve now, he wanted to rub it in by acting concerned. Then he wanted to take advantage of me, take advantage of my problems, and make me feel worse.
He sighed at my silence after awhile, "Suze, please, tell me. You have to tell someone."
Amazingly, I found my voice. "No."
I stood up to leave. But Paul, who was still holding my hand, was having none of it. He pulled me back down, forced me to sit, but gently all the same.
What did it matter? I was a broken girl.
Broken…
"Suze, I only want to help you. Who was it?"
Silence.
He interpreted my silence as only one thing, the truth. He knew who it was and his face changed from concerned to furious. "It was Jesse, wasn't it? Tell me Suze! De Silva did something to you!"
My eyes widened at the mentioning of the person who made me like this, and then they filled up with tears. I vaguely wondered why Paul was so angry, Jesse had dumped me, and now I was all his for the taking…
He saw this. Me crying, not me wondering why he was angry. And all the anger that had appeared on his face, moulded back into dead anxiety.
"It was?" His voice was small, and in a tone I had never used before. It sounded like he was scared of what the answer would be. I nodded. There was nothing else I could do.
He took in my actions, and gripped my hand again, the one he had dropped like fire when he got angry. "What did he do?"
I looked away, the tears were now scalding down my face, I did nothing to wipe them away.
But that was because Paul did it for me. He took out a handkerchief, the same one he used on me when I found out that Jesse had to move to the rectory…
Even thinking of his name wounds me further.
He wiped my face with one of his gentle hands, the other still holding mine… wait… when did I ever think Paul's hands were gentle? Well they were, very gentle.
"Suze…" He whispered huskily, breath warm on my cheek. I noticed that he was sitting very close to me; we were almost nose-to-nose… inches away from each other. This only made me feel worse; there was no comfort in his hands that were now both holding onto mine. Although they were very gentle, they were freezing cold.
He continued, even though I made no sign of moving. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He was frowning, "I'm sorry for raising my voice at you, I just didn't realize how hurt you are. I mean-" he took his hands away and motioned up and down with them, "-look at you, Suze. Look at what he's done to you."
His voice was silky smooth… almost like… no. I can't think of him. I try to focus on Paul… and it works very well.
I look into his eyes again; Before then, I had turned a little more, so my eyes were not directly in his, but now they were locked in their gaze.
And I could not believe what I saw.
Sadness.
For some reason, I felt me heart breaking. Over and over again at seeing Paul look at me with those large sad blue eyes. I felt even more broken than what Jesse had made me, because those eyes were so sad…
… So sad at the fact that I was broken… So sad to the extent that they started to shine… Twinkle with a transparent moisture.
Then it hit me.
He was crying.
Because he was crying was not the only shock. The fact that he was crying… for me.
Then I looked back on all the times, all the times that I had seen Paul, like when he was talking to me on his bed just before he kissed me. He was telling me that Jesse and I could never really be, he wasn't doing this to split us up…
He was doing it because he cared for me.
He loved me.
And I had ignored him. I had smothered all his hopes of ever having the one thing he wanted, the one thing he yearned for…
Me.
I am not being arrogant or exaggeratingeither; I could tell by the way the tears slid down his face. The way that he looked at me. The way that his hands were now in mine again…
The way that I felt his lips on mine.
Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
This felt just like dying
But now I see that something inside
Is coming alive
Ain't it crazy
At first, I thought: This is Paul! Pull away! Pull away! But then I realized that no matter what my brain screamed at me, I could not pull away.
And then I was hit with the biggest shock as the kiss moved on.
I loved Paul.
I had always loved him… the way that he cracked all those witty comments when I was working at the Resort…
The way my heart leapt and I shivered when he caressed me with a single finger up and down my bare arm…
The way I enjoyed that kiss he gave me on his bed all that time ago…
I loved him.
I loved Paul.
There was no use fighting it, and to be honest, I wasn't intent on fighting it…
No use running from a revolution
I just surrender to this evolution…
My mind was cheering me on. There were no regrets on my side. Jesse had loved me. I had loved him. Jesse had broken my heart. I had hated Paul when I didn't realize that I actually loved him. I had followed Paul. Paul had shown me he cared. Paul loved me. I loved Paul.
The kiss broke then. I wanted more, but I did not push myself. Paul looked a little worried. Then I realized it was because I had physically hurt him all the other times he had kissed me, whether I liked it or not.
But I didn't. Hurt him, I mean. And this came as a little shock to Paul, but he got over it. And I was glad too, glad that he had gotten over it.
He lifted a hand to touch my face, whispering my name, "Susannah…"
Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
Amazing grace
has touched my face
and the sweet sound doesn't lie…
My voice became shaky, his tone sounded just like… no… I can't think about him. I wouldn't.
So I didn't.
"C-Call me Suze, P-Please…" My voice was small and soft. Paul was a little startled at my actions, but nodded.
Ain't it crazy
For a moment there
I just gave up trying
But now I see..
You can let the light in
You can begin again
Ain't it crazy
I lay me down in this sweet perfection
I am a witness to my resurrection…
"Suze…I-I love you."
Heal me lift me
Take me to the waterside
Drop me in let me swim
Let everyone know
I'll be coming home again…
Everything changed. I felt a glow inside of me, it was not visible to anyone, but I felt it. I realized that now, I had another chance… to find love.
No… I was wrong. I had already found love.
It was there all along.
All along…
My voice was barely a whisper, "I know."
Make no mistake
I'm wide-awake
Ain't it crazy…
When I thought I knew all, I looked back on my attitude these past few days. One sentence came to me straight away.
But I can never heal…
Then I remembered what my mind assured me;
Stop it Suze, you can get over this.
But I can never heal.
If you can get over this, you will be all right.
But I can never heal.
See the situation in another light, and you will be all right. You can get over this.
I may get over this, but I can never heal.
It was there all along. All along with the fact that Paul loved me. It was right under my nose, plotting its ways to make me realize.
My voice came from no-where, I heard myself say it… but don't get me wrong. I was more sure of this than anything else in my whole life. "I love you too, Paul Slater."
Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
I'll take what I've earned
These lessons I've learned
I'm ready for the ride
He was completely dumbstruck. I leant over, smiling, and I kissed him. I kissed him. I kissed him.
After a moment of stillness, he responded, senses going into overdrive, we played tonsil hockey with each other's mouths, trying to beat each other. But lovingly. In the end, we both one, both breaking apart and looking into the eyes of the other.
"Do you mean it?" He asked me. I was quite shocked… how could I not mean it? Then I thought of my actions ever since he had moved back to Carmel. All the times I rejected him, laughing in his face.
I thought he was ruining my life when I was really ripping his apart.
And suddenly, I didn't feel broken.
Heal me lift me
Take me and my soul will fly
My battered heart will make a new start
Let everyone know
I'll be coming home again…
I nodded, slowly. Tears were forming in his eyes. Although I knew. Oh how I knew. He wasn't sad. He was happy.
Tears of joy.
He stood up and grinned at me… or down at me, anyway. I noticed that he was a little bit taller than me, but a good enough height so I didn't have to raise myself too much to kiss him.
I stood myself, grinning back. And we stood there, gazing at each other. Tears streaming down both of our faces, grinning.
And then he laughed.
It was the most beautiful sound in the world, him laughing. After a moment, I laughed with him. Picture this: we were standing there, making a scene, laughing, grinning, crying and secretly mending our hearts.
And entwining them together…
After a moment, our laughter died down. We both sat again and began to talk. He asked me delicately, if I would tell him the story. I said no, that he would be better off not knowing.
But I did tell him one thing.
"I thought that my heart would never heal, that I would never be the same again. But then I realized that the answer was there all along. Right in front of my eyes. I may have been sad, dissapointed even… and under the influence that I thought I was broken… and then it came to me like the moon and the stars in the sky…"
He stopped me, putting a finger to my lips and then pulling me into him. It felt nice to be loved, to be cherished as if I was the only one in his life. It felt good to be in his arms, kissing him with all I could.
When I look back, all I can think was:
I got over it.
And for that, I am healed.
Heal me lift me
Take me to the waterside
Drop me in
Come on and watch me swim
Let everyone know
I'll be coming home again…
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A/N: I hope you likely I'm sorry J/S fans, but this was a P/S fic. I am totally with you guys on the J/S but I really couldn't get the idea out of my head. So it's only a one-time thing as this fic will be. Also, the song, if you want it, is Melissa Etheridge - Heal Me. I have never heard the song myself, but I was browsing and I thought it was nice. Please R/R. I like to know what people think of this and if you want me to write more mediator fics or not.
Love,
ValiantGoddess