CHAPTER 2: STRUGGLING
"I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
-The Goo Goo Dolls, Iris
APRIL
"Are you sure this time April?" Michelangelo gave me a look of exasperation. Tiny beads of sweat had begun to run down his forehead, soaking into his bandana.
I took another step back, surveying the room one more time.
"Yeah. I think it would look much better away from the wall. That way the sun won't shine in my eyes when I watch TV."
"Really really sure?"
"Yes Mike!"
"Ok, ok," Mike grumbled. He bent down on his knees, grasping the underside of the couch with both hands. "'Cause there's no way in hell I'm moving this again!" He looked across at Leonardo on the opposite side. "Ready Leo?"
"Hang on." Leo readjusted his grip on the couch, spreading his arms wider. "Ok…..one, two, three, go!"
The two turtles lifted the old Victorian style couch up to waist level and slowly made their way across to the other side of the living room. I watched anxiously as they moved the priceless antique. Mike was leading the way, walking backwards and clearly having a difficult time. They'd almost made it when a black ball of fur casually strolled across the wood floor to greet my visitors.
"Mike, watch out!"
Too late. Michelangelo took a step back directly on top of my wandering cat. With a yowl, I saw Spooky jump and dart back through the doorway to the kitchen. Mike, who had lost his footing, stumbled backwards.
"Shit!"
With a crash, the couch hit the floor. Mike was able to push himself out of the way of the couch, but couldn't help but fall directly on his back side. He looked stunned, like he wasn't quit sure what just happened.
"My couch!" I dashed over to inspect the damage, not only to my piece of furniture but my brand new floor.
"Couch? What about me?" Mike sat on the floor rubbing the outside of his thigh. "Stupid cat! Where'd he go, I'm going shove my 'chuck where the sun don't shine!"
Leonardo walked over and offered Mike his hand. Mike took it, allowing Leo to lift him off the floor. Leo chuckled. "I can't take you anywhere, can I Mike?"
Mike ignored his comment. He was too busy inspecting the damage. "Hey Leo, is that a dent in my shell?" He peered worriedly over his shoulder, spinning around and trying to see the backside of his shell. "Aw man, what will the ladies think?"
After a quick once over, I was relieved to find both my couch and my floor intact. A large chunk of my savings from last year had gone into laying down new wood in both the living room and the kitchen. It had been a rough month with all of the construction, and I was glad to finally get everything out of my bedroom and back where it belonged. Having the guys around to help me move everything had been a godsend, and I mentally added one more thing to the list that your friendly neighborhood ninja turtle was good for.
I saw Spooky's head poke around the corner of the kitchen wall, a sheepish look on his face. His green eyes glowed with interest as he watch Michaelangelo's antics. The "Devil Cat" as Raphael called him, had called my place home for the last couple months. I don't know where he came from, but I'd found him huddled on the door step of my building before I left for work one morning. Poor thing, he was skin and bones, and I couldn't help but bring him inside. The guys had been less than thrilled with my new roommate. It was funny that the only one Spooky seemed to like was Raphael, who did nothing but torment him.
Spooky decided that hiding was a better alternative than waiting for Michaelangelo's wrath, and he ducked back into the kitchen. If cats could smile, I would have sworn I saw one as he slunk away.
"You ok Mike?"
"Oh, so now you ask….."
Leonardo jabbed him with his elbow. "Come on cry baby, let's get this finished up. Splinter wants us back in a half hour for practice."
"Jeez Leo, haven't we done enough exercising today?" He pointed to all of the furniture in the room.
I walked up behind Michaelangelo and put my hands on his shoulders. "Come on Mike, what about looking good for all the ladies?" I giggled, rubbing my hands up and down his arms. He ducked away from me playfully, running back to the couch. "Well, when you put it that way April…com'on Leo, let's go!"
"Goofball." I went into the kitchen while the boys finished up. "Hey guys, I got some groceries for you to take back too. Oh, and Raph's magazines came." I glanced down at the three covers. Playboy, Maxim, and Sports Illustrated. "I swear, the mailman must think I'm a real perv."
I heard a controlled "thud" as they lowered the couch into its proper place, and moments later Michealangelo came in and looked over my shoulder. "Holy cow, Leo! Check out the Maxim chick!" He grabbed the magazine out of my hand. His eyes widened as he lifted the picture closer to his face.
"Damn, look at those ti-"
"Mike!" Leo yelled from the other room. "Save it!"
"Sorry man, but those things are huge!"
I couldn't help but smile. Leonardo was definitely the polite one of the group. Always respectful, especially to me. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him I was ordering magazines for Raph. Dirty magazines at that. I've never seen him looked so mortified. It surprised me at first too, but then again, what did I expect? They were guys after all, with all the regular guy feelings. I couldn't fault them for wanting to look at naked girls.
"It's ok Leo, it doesn't bother me." I pulled the two bags of groceries out of the cupboard and set them on the table. A vast array of canned goods filled one, everything from peaches to spaghettio's. The second was mostly junk food, except for a single loaf of bread resting on top. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. The turtles definitely weren't fans of the food pyramid. "Hey, why don't you guys come back later tonight and I'll order you some dinner. I need to pay you back for all the moving you did."
Leo came in from the living room, picking up both bags. "Aw, it's fine April, the groceries make us even."
"No, no, you guys did a ton of stuff for me. Besides, I could use some company. Friday nights alone are never fun." I sighed. I hadn't had a date in weeks, and the lack of male company was really getting to me. "Tell Raph and Don I wanna see them too."
"Sure." Leo handed a bag over to Mike. "Here, help me carry this," he said, giving Mike a scowl as he shoved the magazines down the side of the bag. "Give us a couple hours and we'll be back up."
"Ooh, April, if you get Chinese, be sure to get some egg rolls!" Mike yelled as he and Leo slipped through the window.
"I always do Mike!"
RAPHAEL
I hated how the nunchucks felt in my hands. They were too loose and floppy, nothing like the firm grip of sai. I missed the comforting feeling that the cold steel gave me. Taking a deep breath, a let my weight fall onto my back foot, and waited for Splinter's voice. The sweat poured down my neck as I stood there, but I didn't feel tired. Fighting invigorated me.
"Begin!"
Donatello came at me faster than I expected. Usually I was the first to make a move, and his boldness caught me off guard. I blocked the strike of his padded katana clumsily, struggling to keep the chucks spinning in my hands. Donatello came in lower this time, swinging at me from the side and moving fluidly into a spin kick. It never connected, and I struck at his ankles as I ducked out of the way.
"Nice try bud, but you're too slow today!" Donatello joked at me. He leapt sideways, waiting for me to make the next move.
"Yeah? Try this jackass…" I flicked the chucks in my right hand out far enough to draw his attention, then tried the foot sweep again. Don was ready for it, and sent another kick at my head as he jumped over my outstretched leg. I let my body dip to the side, pulling the nunchuck in my left hand up just fast enough to block his next blow.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Splinter's disapproving gaze. His foot drummed lightly against the mat as he watched us fight. He'd spent a good portion of the last hour showing me the more advanced nunchuck skills used in battle, and was getting impatient for me to show what I'd learned.
"Jeez Raph, you're slipping," Don mocked. I knew he was just trying to get under my skin, but I couldn't help but let my eyes narrow. It was working. Now I was pissed.
"Raphael, keep your arms in front of you! Farther from your body!" I heard Splinter yell out me over the sound of the fighting.
Yeah, whatever…
Again I tried to feint with the chucks, faster this time. I stopped spinning the one on my right and used it to lash at Donatello's elbow. He easily pulled himself out of the way.
I felt the growl in the back of my throat as he came back on the offensive. Don was winning, and I didn't like it. I could see the smile on his face as he sliced the katanas at my shoulder. I was never one to like technical fighting – I much preferred to use sheer muscle power to overwhelm my opponent. That, however, was not a style favored by Master Splinter.
Donatello swung one katana toward my head, another toward my right side. I ducked under the first and spun my weapon around the second, trying to disarm him. Don anticipated my move, twisting his wrist and pulling his arm down to wrest the katana from my weapon's grip.
Enough.
I pulled both nunchuck handles into each of my hands. Enough twirly-whirly. I'd never understand how Mike could fight with the stupid things, as much as Splinter made me try. He thought it was important that we were trained with each other's weapons. I hated these practices. It drove me crazy to fight with something I wasn't good with.
I charged at Don full board. He squatted down to block my attack, and I used his position to my advantage. Doing a quick spin, I came around behind him and pushed my side into his shell. Off balance, he teetered to the side, just as I sent a punch at his head. I swung hard, much harder than I should have in practice. I felt my hand connect.
Don went down, bracing himself with his forearms as he hit the mat. There was blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.
"Jesus, Raph." I could hear the exasperation in his voice. He brought his hand up and touched the blood on his face.
"Raphael! Control yourself!" Splinter's voice was low and angry. "You are missing the entire point of this lesson."
"Fuck this lesson." I glared him, a silent challenge that only I would dare give him. I was mad, and there was no way in hell that he was going to push me around right now. I could feel my muscles tighten in anger.
Donatello winced. Splinter had a low tolerance for swearing, especially when it was used maliciously. Don stayed down on the mat, afraid to move.
"Don't you ever say that word to me again," Splinter said slowly, enunciating each syllable. The fire in his eyes matched my own. His tail was swishing back and forth, and I don't think I'd ever seen him look so angry before. And I didn't care.
"And Fuck these stupid things!" I threw the chucks down at the mat in his direction. The chains rattled noisily as they came to rest near his feet.
Splinter didn't speak. He just stared at me, blankly, disbelieving of what I just did. I didn't wait around for the fireworks, either. I turned at stormed out the door.
DONATELLO
I couldn't believe what just happened. The confrontation happened so fast that I hardly had enough time to take it in.
Raphael scared me when he got like this. And it seemed to be happening more and more often. His mood swung all over the place, and his anger was turning vicious.
He was losing control.
The last few years had been hard for all of us. But mostly for Raphael. We had beaten Oroku Saki, and the fall of the Foot clan had left Master Splinter avenged. We were grown up, and our days of needing a full time parent were long behind us. Hell, our problem was that we didn't know what to do with ourselves.
Lack of purpose. I think that this crushed Raphael more than any of us. He had a restless spirit, and staying down in the sewers made him feel like a lion in a cage. He longed to have things that he knew he never could, and the reality of it drove him crazy. He needed release, and he didn't know how to get it. And we were powerless to help him. Raph was emotionally closed off, and wouldn't let any of us near him in that way.
Lately, Raphael had been spending a lot more time with Casey. I got the idea that Master Splinter wasn't exactly fond of it, and neither was Leonardo. It's not that Casey's a bad guy. Far from it. But their two personalities were so closely matched that they seemed to feed off each other. Both of them had a need for excitement, and one of these nights it would get them in trouble.
And then there was the drinking. Casey had introduced Raphael to the feeling of intoxication when he turned 18. Needless to say, a full day spent throwing up in the bathroom didn't deter him in the least. Beer became the new staple of Raphael's diet, and hardly a night went by that he didn't have two or three. Of course we all drink, even Leo every once in a while, but Raph's behavior bothers all of us. There have been a few times that I've seen him so drunk he can barely walk.
There's one incident in particular I'll never forget. It actually started as a pretty innocent night. It was a Saturday, I remember that for sure. We were all bored, and Mike had the great idea of having a round robin video game tournament. We were all drinking, so by the time we got down to the final game between Raph and Mike the buzz was really effecting us. I think that rowdy would be a good way to put it. Although I don't remember exactly what was said, I remember Mike taking jabs at Raph as they played. They both got out of line, and the night ended with Raphael sucker-punching Mike in the jaw. Broke it straight in two. It was the first time that I'd ever seen Raph lash out at Mike. Of any of us, the two of them had the closest relationship. When no one else was on Raphael's side, Michaelangelo was always loyal. Looking back, I think that that night broke a lot more than Mike's jaw. And what bothers me the most is that Raphael never apologized.
I watched helplessly as Raphael stormed out of the room.
Fearfully, I let my gaze move back to Master Splinter. The anger in his eyes was gone. It had been replaced with…sadness. He didn't say anything to me, just bowed his head and moved silently toward his room.
Shutting my eyes, I breathed deeply and pulled myself off the mat. I could still feel the blood running down my chin.
I'd better go get cleaned up.
The air felt heavy as I made my way out of the dojo. I felt my body shiver, despite how hot I was. Something didn't feel right, though I couldn't for the life of me guess what it was. Michaelangelo's voice echoing down the sewer tunnel broke my thoughts.
"Dude, Beyonce is way hotter than Kelly! Get your head out of your shell and open your eyes!Hey Raph, where you goin'- ?"
"Raph!" Leo's voice yelled.
"Fine, don't say hi then!"
A few seconds later Mike and Leo stepped through the lair's main entrance, each carrying a brown sack. Mike had a skip in his step, obviously in good mood about something. But then again, there was hardly a time when Mike wasn't cheerful.
"Hey Donnie, what's up with Raph? Did you kick his butt in practice or something?" He gave me a quirky smile, but it faded as soon as he saw my face.
Leonardo set his bag on the floor, walking over to me. Concerned, I could feel him looking over the rest of me to see if there was anything else wrong. Satisfied that my face was the only thing, he trotted off toward the bathroom. "I'll get a towel, Don."
"Thanks."
"Raph do that?"
"Yeah."
I could hear Leo muttering under his breath in the bathroom. "Why does he always have to pull crap like this?"
"I'm fine Leo." I paused, considering my words carefully. The last thing I wanted to do was make things worse. But I decided that Mike and Leo needed to know.
"I don't think Master is, though."
"Splinter?" Leo frowned, coming out of the bathroom and handing me a half wet towel. I wiped the wet edge across my face, trying to scrape off the dried blood. There was a lot more than I originally thought. I could see the redness creep its way through the towel.
I proceeded to relay to both of them what happened in the dojo. I saw Leonardo's eyes widen as the story unfolded. Mike had sat down on the couch and was fidgeting uncomfortably. He hated this stuff.
"Great." Leonardo had his hand on his forehead, massaging his temples. "Is he ever going to stop acting like a child?" It was a rhetorical question, but I was afraid that I knew the answer. Leo continued, "Should I go talk to Splinter?"
I knew that Leo was tired of cleaning Raph's messes. If Raph was the cut, Leo was the band aid. It was starting to wear him down, and his resentment kept building. One of these days…
"I don't think so. I think he just needs to be left alone for a while. It's probably better if they both cool off."
"Christ." Leo swore. "I can handle it when fights with us. But Master Splinter is a whole different story. It's…" He searched for the right word. "Disrespectful." He glanced back to Mike sitting in the couch. "Maybe we should just head up to April's now."
"Sure," Mike nodded, lifting himself up from the cushion. "I'll put the groceries away quick."
"Thanks Mike."
RAPHAEL
Damn.
"Dammit!" I listened to my voice bounce of the walls of the tunnel. As the sound faded away, there was nothing left but the soft rush water. Emptiness.
Pulling a sai out of my belt, I twirled it aimlessly in my hand as I walked through the sewer. It took the edge off my anger.
Splinter and I had lost touch with each other a long time ago. There was no particular incident, at least not in my mind. Just the steady of drain of him pushing, then me pulling away. He wanted me to be someone I'm not, and never could be for that matter. I wasn't like Leo, I couldn't be happy by just excelling at ninjitsu. Stop that Raphael, don't do that Raphael, sit and be quiet Raphael…well, it was never going to happen. I think he was finally starting to realize that, and he couldn't handle it.
I was never going to live up to his expectations, and at this point, I didn't give a shit.
Splinter also saw that he no longer had control of us. I knew it scared him. We were grown up, and he was afraid that something would happen to us outside his protective bubble in the sewer. The outside world terrified him.
I couldn't fault him for wanting to keep us safe. If he knew half of the stuff I'd done, he'd probably turn gray overnight. But he needed to realize if he didn't let up, something inside of me, in all of us, was going to break. And it wouldn't be fixable.
I saw the bike at the end of the tunnel, the stars casting a ghostly light through the grate that covered its entrance. It looked like a nice night. I could feel just the slightest bit of wind as I approached, grabbing the gear lying across the Harley's seat. Under all the leather, you could hardly tell that I wasn't human. Even the helmet covered my whole face, and I felt completely comfortable being on the street. Still, I made a promise to everyone never to be out in the daylight. So far I'd kept it.
That bike was my pride and joy. It was a gift, from none other than Donatello. Somehow, he just seemed to know how much a needed something like that. I give him a silent thank you every time I hear the gun of the motor when I start it.
I could hardly believe my eyes when he brought it home that night. Mike told me that he'd spent a week figuring out how to hotwire, and the two of them had staked out the red Harley for the previous three nights. It was owned by some rich guy, selling drugs out of a posh uptown apartment. Casey had pointed it out to them. To make a long story short, the two of them stole it right out of the underground garage.
Splinter had a fit. Stealing was wrong, no matter who it was from. Poor Don and Mike were put on house arrest for a month. But he didn't make them take it back. When Splinter heard they had gotten it for me, I think it softened his heart to hear how hard they'd worked for their brother. He wouldn't let it near the lair, though. So I kept it at the end of one of the tunnels, one that exited into a public park about a half hour walk away. The opening was at the bottom of a steep hill, under a bridge. There were a lot of trees, and I doubted that anyone had ever ventured down to look in the tunnel. Sure, it was a pain in the ass to get the bike up and out of there, but that was the price we paid for security. We'd also rigged the metal grid to be bolted locked with a metal chain, just to be extra safe.
I started the engine, letting it warm up while I unlocked the padlock. As I swung the grate open, I was careful to look for anyone that might be around to see me. There was no one.
Pushing the bike through, I shut and locked the padlock, then jumped onto the bike.
As I rode away, I never heard the way that the lock clanked eerily against the metal, in the absence of any detectable breeze.
MICHAELANGELO
"April?" I stuck my head cautiously through April's living room window. A lamp on one of the end tables dimly lit the room, but the kitchen and hallway were both dark. As I listened closer, I could faintly hear the sound of a radio coming from one of the back bedrooms.
"Mike, hurry up, I think there's someone down in the alley," Leo urged, his hands firmly pressed against my shell.
"Sheesh, goin'," I mumbled, making a none to graceful entrance. A loud crack! behind me made me whirl. Leonardo's katanas handles had knocked against the top of the window glass as he climbed through. Twenty-two years of living and we still underestimated the size of our shells.
"Smooth, Leo, and you're the one giving me crap," I whispered. The loud noise made Leo wince, and he shot me a sheepish look. "You're the one that needs to go back to stealth class!"
April's voice floated through the hallway, cutting Leo off before he had a chance to respond. "Hello? Guys, is that you?" She sounded a bit nervous. Understandable, since we weren't due back for at least another couple hours.
"Yeah April, it's us," Don replied, turning to close the window. I saw him glance it over quickly, making sure that there was no noticeable damage. Satisfied, he brushed himself off and plopped down on one of the living room chairs. "Likin' the set up in here," he commented on the new furniture arrangement.
"Me too." Another light flipped on and April emerged, rustling a towel through her half wet hair. A pale blue terrycloth robe was wrapped around her, and her feet were bare. It looked as if she'd just painted her toenails. "What are you guys doing back already?" She asked. "Did you decide I gave you enough of a work out already?"
"Not exactly," came Leo's tired reply. I could tell he didn't want to get into it, but April wouldn't be satisfied with that answer. He hated pulling her into the middle of things, especially when it came to Raphael. As much as Leo would berate Raph in front of his brothers, he had enough decency not to do it in front of April. Raphael had always held a special place in April's heart, and we all knew it.
"Raph and Splinter had a, um, little tiff before we got back," I finished for him. "Splinter decided to call it quits for the day."
"Tiff?" April lowered the towel to her waist, turning toward the sound of my voice. Her face looked worried, like I'd expected. "What kind of tiff? Are they both ok? Did he run off again?"
"Nothing new, I think so, and yes." I counted off the replies on my fingers. Good thing she only asked three questions. I watched her raise her eyebrows, like she didn't believe me. "Seriously April, it's fine," I assured her. She sighed, walking back toward the bathroom. I could hear her clanking things together as she searched through a drawer.
"Well, dinner's not going to be here for another hour and a half. You guys ok till then? Casey's coming too, I told him to pick up a movie."
"Great April," Leo answered, sitting down on the couch and grabbing the remote. "Hey Mike, grab me a Coke, will ya?"
"Dude, you got legs."
"Yeah, but you're so much closer." He said sarcastically, flipping through the channels. He slumped down a little lower, emphasizing how comfortable he was.
"Geez. Don, you want one too?" I sauntered into the kitchen and flipped on the light. Donatello nodded, not taking his eyes of the TV. Hockey. Was it even the right time of year for hockey?
As I walked toward the fridge, I felt something brush past my leg. Suddenly I had a weird case of déjà vu.
"Yeah, you better run!" I yelled after Spooky as he darted through the doorway. "My chuck still has a date with your rear end!"
Too lazy to give chase, I used the towel hanging from the fridge handle to pull the door open. The shelves were packed full, the whole haphazard arrangement threatening to tumble down at any moment. Still, I was able to pull out two Cokes and a Miller Lite for myself. Heck, it was Friday, I was allowed. I began to shut the door when I remembered April, and I cradled the other three cans in my arm while I grabbed another beer.
Entering the living room, I saw that Don and Leo were already totally engrossed in the game on TV. "Heads up boys!" I said, lobbing the first Coke over Leo's head. Don snapped out of his trance, softly cushioning the drink as it fell into his hands.
"Leo?"
Not breaking his gaze from the TV, Leo lifted both hands over his right shoulder. Taking the bait, I jogged exaggeratedly behind him and tossed the can overhand into his waiting palms.
"Another perfect pass executed by quarterback Mike the Magnificent! And what a beautiful blind catch by-"
"Mike, if you're throwing things in my new living room…" April's menacing voice came from the bathroom. Leo never turned around, but I could tell he was smiling.
I half walked, half danced down the hall and poked my head into the bathroom. April was standing in front of the mirror, a section of her hair twisted around the barrel of a curling iron. Although inexperienced in the ways of women, I could tell that she'd put on a lot of makeup. Her eyes looked smoky and there was an unmistaken blackness to her eyelashes that could only come from mascara.
I cracked open the beer, setting it on the counter in front of her. There was hardly room for it in amongst the various "products" littering the surface.
"Brought you somethin' " I said, nodding at the beer.
"Hmm? Oh, thanks Mike," she replied, unwinding the curling iron. She picked it up, taking a long pull. "You read my mind." I opened my own can, but waited to take a drink.
"So, why are you getting so foo foo for take out and a movie?" I was never one to beat around the bush. But just as I finished asking the question, the answer already hit me.
Casey.
Of course. It obviously wasn't for us, and he was the only other option.
Casey and April's relationship baffled all of us. Even Splinter, in all of his wisdom, was clueless. It took weeks of flirting (disguised as childish bickering) before they would admit that they liked each other. When they did get together, however, it had been a rocky road. Sometimes they could hardly keep their hands off each other, and others they couldn't stand to be in the same room. I knew Casey loved her. Madly. But there were parts of him that could never change for her, things she needed that he couldn't give. In the end, April ended up breaking it off for the good of both of them. Sometimes in life sheer attraction isn't enough, she'd told us.
During the weeks following the break up, I felt truly sorry for Casey. He was hurt, and he let it show. He didn't even want to be around her, which made it difficult for us to split our time between the two of them.
That had been five years ago. Gradually, time healed both of them, and they started over as friends. They both knew that the secret of our existence would always tie them together. The best thing to do would be to let go of what happened, for our sake. And their own sanity, of course. Steadily, the two of them became close again, but in the playful way that they were before they started dating. No seriousness, no strings.
And that's how it'd been for last few years. Which is why April's current "primping" baffled me. She always looked nice of course, but it seemed as if her efforts tonight were pretty extensive.
"Foo foo? Uh, not really, my hair was just really out of control and I wanted to…" She hesitated, knowing I wouldn't buy her explanation. "Uh, fix it." She shook her hair out, then smoothed the top of it down with her fingers. "There, see, it's good now," She said, turning to give me a big fake smile. She grabbed her beer again, tipping the can to her lips. "I'm just going to get dressed and I'll be right back out," she continued, sliding past me and heading back toward her bedroom.
"Need any help?" I snickered, watching her disappear into the doorway of her room. The door swung shut, but not before I heard her answer.
"I think I can handle it, Mikey."