Chapter 7 – I can't breathe

I heard a knock on the bathroom door, I was slumped against the door, tears free flowing down my hot cheeks.
"Noelle, Sweetheart." I heard Esme's voice call out through the door, I could hear the concern in her voice but I didn't answer. I didn't have any words, I thought I was free from my father and his stern gaze but now I feel like I'm trapped and there is no way out.
"Please open the door, sweetheart." She said gently.
"No, go away." I spoke through sobs.
"You know that we're here for you." Her voice was kind as she spoke, but I didn't want to see anyone let alone speak to anyone at this moment in time.

"Please leave me alone." My voice broke, I heard an upset sigh on the other side of the door and then Carlisle's voice, I couldn't make out what he was saying. The thought of seeing my father just constantly played through my mind making the anxiety in me so much worse, it felt like I had a huge weight on my chest, like I couldn't breathe. I moved away from the door and laid down curling into a ball and tried to regulate my breathing, but it just got worse.
"Noelle, please open the door. We can help you." Carlisle's voice was soothing as he called out to me, but I couldn't move, I tried to speak but all that came out was a strangled cry. I placed my head against the cold tiles, the door began to shake and then swiftly opened. Carlisle rushed over to me, kneeling he placed his cold hands on my cheeks "It's alright. Take deep breaths." his voice was calm but laced with concern, I shook my head "I-I can't." He pulled me into his arms and sat down cradling me in his lap "You can, I promise you'll feel better. Just breathe along with me." He began to take deep breaths as he looked at me and I tried to follow his breathing, slowly it began to work, and my breathing slowed down. I buried my head into Carlisle's chest and just sobbed.

"I can't do it, Carlisle." I wiped my eyes, and he stroked my hair "I know it's going to be hard; I will see if we can arrange it so your father will not be in the room when you testify." His voice was soft, and I shook my head "It's too much, everything is too much."
Esme had now come into the room with a glass of water "Here sweetheart, drink some." She said kindly as she handed me the glass, I took a sip and looked at Esme "I'm really sorry." My eyes welled up with tears once again and she sat down on the floor next to me and Carlisle, she cupped my face in her hands "You have nothing to be sorry about." She said gently and wiped the tears from my eyes. I looked at them both "I feel so lost." I said in defeat and looked down "I feel like I'm in this hole and when I reach the top something knocks me down again." I shrugged and leant against Carlisle's chest.

"Noelle, what is lost can always be found again." Carlisle's voice was gentle as he spoke, he placed a hand under my knees and his other arm around my shoulders, he stood up holding me against his chest and walked down to the living room. He gently placed me on the couch and placed a blanket over me, I looked up at both him and Esme "I don't want to talk about it anymore if that's okay?" I said to them both and they nodded in understanding, Esme placed a kiss on my forehead "Alright sweetheart but you know you can talk to us about anything at any time." She sat on the couch by my feet and Carlisle sat in the armchair, he picked up the remote and flicked through the channels "Would you like to watch a movie?" he asked, I knew his was trying to distract me from my thoughts. I nodded and he gave me a warm smile "What about Beauty and the Beast?" he'd known from previous chats that it was one of my favourites, I nodded, and he put it on. As the movie came on the room fell silent.

After the movie had finished, I stood up and looked at them both "I'm gonna go for a walk out back." I let them know and left the room, I made my way to the back door and slipped my shoes on. I headed outside and down the steps into the back yard, I took a breath taking in the cold air. I walked down the forest path until I reached the river, I sat down on the bank and pulled my knees to my chest. I rested my head on my knees and closed my eyes taking in the sounds of the forest, I could hear the birds chirping in the trees and the sound of the water rushing down the river. I stayed there for an hour when I heard movement behind me, I quickly turned around to see Jasper standing there with his hands up "Sorry Darlin' I didn't mean to startle you." He smiled a little and sat next to me on the riverbank "I heard you've had a rough day." He said lightly and I sighed "You could say that again." I could feel him radiating calm over to me, I gave him a small smile "Thanks, Jasper." He wrapped an arm round my shoulders "It's alright, do you want to talk about it?" he rubbed my shoulder.

"I just…I thought he was out of my life for good and that everything was behind me and boom, now I'll possibly have to face him in a room full of people whilst telling them how he physically and mentally abused me..." I trailed off and rested my head on Jasper's shoulder taking in the calm feelings he was sending me "Darlin' my father was not a kind man, he also used to hit me. Back in those days though no one would do anything about it and so I ran. I left my life behind me and eventually joined the army. I never saw him again, I never got justice for what he did to me. You have the opportunity to stand up for yourself and show him that you've come out on top." His voice was honest as he spoke and I did agree with him but I still felt so hesitant "I know, it's just so hard." I sighed and he pulled me closer to him "You know you can always talk to us about anything, you aren't alone. Almost all of us have faced abuse in our human lives. We know how it feels to feel lost. But Noelle like Carlisle said to you earlier what's lost can be found. You will find yourself again." He placed a kiss on my forehead and stood up holding out his hand "Come on, let's go back before you catch the flu because of this cold." I grabbed his hand, and he pulled me up to my feet, I walked back to the house with him thinking about everything that Jasper had just told me. I didn't realise that the others had been through so much, I didn't want to ask who it was as I didn't want to invade their privacy, but I was curious.

We got back to the house and I could smell something nice being cooked, we walked in through the back door and the aroma hit me making my stomach growl, I looked to see what Esme was cooking and it looked like risotto "Esme, that smells amazing." I said honestly and she smiled happily "Thank you, Noelle. Are you hungry?" she asked, and I nodded "Yeah I'm pretty hungry to be fair." I sat down at the kitchen island and Jasper patted my shoulder "I'll see you soon." He said gently and I looked at him a mouthed a thank you, he smiled at me and left the room. Esme placed a bowl of risotto in front of me and handed me some cutlery, I began to eat the food, my stomach thankful it was being fed. I finished my food and looked at Esme "I've made a decision." She looked up at me curiously I took a breath.

"I'll stand in front of my father and the courts. People need to know he's a monster."