Title: 4AM Reflections (1/1)
Genre: Drama/Romance
Summary: In the wake of a disaster, Yamato is left looking back
on what he now wishes he could have had with someone who was always
taken for granted.
Author's Note: This is a rewrite of an old songfic of mine, entitled 4AM. It is drastically different than the original, and, in my opinion, is much superior -- as befits something written over four years later.
The clock ticked, a synthesized sound accompanying the subtle glare of the red, digital numbers. Yamato stared up at the ceiling in the darkness, letting the sound fill the room, take over his hearing. But it wasn't enough -- it couldn't distract him from the thoughts in his head, any more than could his music, or his girlfriend, or his family.
It had happened quickly, the police said; he had resisted the muggers, and he hadn't had anything worth stealing, so he was shot. It was clean -- as clean as a gunshot wound could be -- and he hadn't suffered before he died. It could have been much worse, and Yamato knew it -- an inch or so to either side, and Taichi could very well be lying, braindead, in a hospital bed at this very moment. But there was no solace in this knowledge, and Yamato was left with only the memories of a squandered friendship, emotions unfulfilled.
"I still can't quite believe it," Sora had said, as she sat with her boyfriend, watching the sun set over Tokyo Bay. "It doesn't seem real. I mean, I always knew that something could happen to us in the battles... Angemon taught us that early on. But I never thought that one of us could- that something could happen in the real world."
Yamato nodded, finding the words hard. "It just... doesn't seem real, almost. It's like, any minute now, Taichi's going to come bounding up from being a boulder, shouting, 'Got ya!' and laughing at us for falling for his trick." A sigh escaped his lips. "I just... it feels like something's been ripped out from inside of me. He was my best friend, y'know? My first real friend."
Sora stiffened slightly beside him; if they hadn't been sitting so close, arms around each others waists, ignoring the stares of passersby at the public display of affection, he wouldn't have noticed at all. "Sora?" He turned to look at her, but she turned her own face away, refusing to meet his eyes. "Sora, what's wrong?"
She took a breath to steady herself, the sound ragged around her nervous shuddering. "It's just... I know how much you care about Taichi, Yamato." And with this, she did turn towards him. "I know."
"Know what?" Sudden realisation struck him. "You mean... wait, you don't think that I-?" Except, of course, she did. She would know, of all people... "Do you mean to say...?"
She nodded. "I thought you knew. It was obvious, at least to someone like me; Miyako picked up on it, too, of course, and I think some of the others have noticed. I never said anything -- Miyako approached me -- and they never would, either; it was frustrating to see you two dance around each other like that, but if you wanted to ignore it..."
"We weren't ignoring it," Yamato replied. "At least, I wasn't. He is... he was my best friend. It was only natural that he would make me feel like that when he was around, right?" A sudden laugh erupted from his chest, harsh and self-deprecating. "Shows how much I know! All my friends know that I'm gay, and I hadn't even figured it out yet!" But it makes sense... everything makes sense now. Why I never wanted to... do everything that Sora did. Why I always made the effort to spend as much time with Taichi as I did with her. He calmed after a moment, and the two returned to looking out over the water. "You know that I care about you, right? I do. Don't think that I haven't loved you."
Sora smiled; Yamato could almost see it out of the corner of his eye. "Of course I do. It would be kind of hard to do everything we have -- all of us, as a team -- if we all hadn't learned to love each other. But there are different kinds of love, Yamato, and no one knows that better than I. There's the kind of love that I feel for you, that you feel for Taichi... and there's the kind of love that we all feel for each other." She kissed him, lightly, on the cheek, as a tear rolled down her face. "I'll always love you, Yamato. Remember that. If you... if you want to keep me around -- keep the fangirls at bay -- then I will. After all, who better to spend your time with than your good friends?" She got up, leaving Yamato to watch the sun's final rays sink beneath the horizon.
And so, here he was, several hours later, the harsh light of "3:58" in his eyes. The thoughts hadn't settled down since that conversation, although he had them in something of a better order. A conversation with his father had helped, as well. Ishida Hiroaki knew everything, now, everything that his son had been ignoring for so long. Yamato had feared the worst, expected a harsh blow, and so had been shocked when his father merely stood up, walked to the window, and said, "Well, then."
What?
Before Yamato could give voice to his thought, his father continued. "I can't say it's exactly... surprising. Not expected, at all, of course; I didn't see it coming. But now that it's here... Well, it does make sense."
It does? This time, words followed thought. "It does? I mean, it does. Of course it does. Because it's true."
Hiroaki chuckled. "Yamato, I know that I've been pressuring you about settling down with Sora. I've always talked about you finding a 'nice girl' to marry. I just... it never occured to me that you might not want a nice girl. Or any girl." He smiled. "Dammit, Yamato, you're my son. I don't care if you like guys, girls, or flying heffalumps." The moment passed, and he turned sober once more. "I know that you've just lost Taichi... you can talk to me about anything, Yamato. Anything at all."
Yamato smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks, Dad. That... that means a lot to me right now." He got up, but before he could walk away, his father gathered him into his arms.
"I love you, son, and nothing will change that. Ever."
After that, Yamato had gone to his room, and proceeded to toss and turn until he reached his current position. "3:59" lit the room with crimson, and Yamato finally sat up. "This stops." Walking over to his desk, he flicked on the lamp, and as the clock switched over to 4:00, he sat down and began to write.
At the funeral, the next day, Yamato was much more relaxed than he'd been the day before, as he stood between Sora and Takeru. Dark rings lay beneath his eyes, the sign of his sleepless night, but the sparkle in his eyes was not due only to the tears that threatened to overflow at any moment.
His friends had been told that morning of his earlier revelations; to a one, they had already known. He had decided to return to merely to friendship with Sora, opening himself up first to the onslaught of fangirls -- but, later, after an upcoming press conference, to the derision of a nation when he publically came out, in memory of his friend. Of his love.
But, first, he had one last thing to do.
"Taichi," he murmured, as he stepped forward, to the open casket. None could hear him, but they could see as he kneeled down beside the body of his friend. "Taichi, I'm sorry it took me so long to figure this out. I wish we could have had our time together, more than we already did.
"But we did have time together, and it was amazing. All the memories I have of you, playing soccer, watching movies, eating together... the two of us, us with Sora, all of us together... it's perfect. And it's a hard line to measure up to, for anyone else who comes along." He choked a bit, and switched topics for a moment. "Before I forget, although you probably know this, Hikari wanted to be here today, but she and Daisuke went together into the Digital World to track down Agumon on his patrol and tell him what happened. She said that they'd say their goodbyes later, together, when he was there to do it with them."
Yamato pulled a sheaf of papers out from inside of his jacket, and laid it into the casket. "I wrote this for you, last night. It basically says everything I'm saying now. I just... it's almost my way of moving on. Not that it'll be this easy. I've been in love with you for so long, I'm not about to stop overnight. I've started, though, and I think that's the way you would want it." He smiled, the first real smile since he'd heard the news. "So, I guess that's it. I won't pine for you forever, and I won't waste my life on what could have been. I took you for granted, Taichi; I took it for granted that you would always be in my life. I was wrong, and I'm sorry for it. I wish things had happened differently -- I wish I had known to appreciate our time together while you were still here. Thank you for the memories, thank you for loving me, and thank you for just... being you. I love you, Taichi, and I always will." He leaned over, and laid a kiss lightly on his best friend's brow. "Now, come back and haunt me if I start to pine away."
Yamato returned to stand beside Takeru as Sora moved forward to say her own goodbyes; the world wasn't right, and never would be again... but Yamato was starting to think that things would work out, anyway.