A/N:
this is another AU chapter (so not 'canon' to the fic)... kind of a roleswap sort of thing going on
"Ohhhh noooo," Obito lets out, face growing pale as he finally processes what he's seeing. "Oh nooooooo ."
"Obito?" Rin says with a frown. "Are you alright?"
Obito tries to speak, but all that comes out is a strangled whine.
"That's really not helping, kiddo," Kushina says, ignoring the exasperated look Minato sends her way.
"If you're feeling off, Obito, you can go home and rest," the blond says, clearly attempting to soothe him. Considering the fact that he's decked out in Hokage robes, Kushina is alive, and both he and Rin are suspiciously not dead or trapped with a crazy plant creature, it doesn't help in the least.
"I am. Perfectly fine," Obito says unconvincingly, then blurts out the first thing on his mind. "Sorry, where's Kakashi's corpse?"
Everyone in the room blanches.
"That came out wrong," he hurries to explain. "Like, I'm just assuming he's dead because he's not here. Or that you think he's dead. But he's not. Probably. I mean, given how canon went, I'd say it's pretty likely that he's hanging out with this guy who has major mommy issues, and—"
He cuts himself off upon noticing that Minato looks as if he's about to sic Inoichi on him.
"I promise I'm not crazy," he says. You know, like a crazy person. "I can prove it."
Rin's face softens, which he's fairly certain is a bad thing in this scenario. "Obito… We all miss Kakashi, and I know it's hard, especially on a day like today, but…" She bites her lip. "If you need some time, we'd understand."
Obito opens and closes his mouth. "Uh. Hm… Yes. Yes, you know what, I need tons of time. Like, a few days maybe. Call this my ten second's notice. Because I'm going on vacation. Right now. Indefinitely."
He disappears into kamui without another word, which is perhaps the wrong call given the baffled expressions it leaves on his teammates faces, but he's already fucked up big time so he supposes that he can just add that to the pile of things to explain later on.
For now, though, he needs to go looking for his other teammate's not-dead body, and hopefully bring him back to Konoha alive.
"What are we doing?"
"Checking out canon locations," Obito answers absently, then freezes. Slowly, he turns to meet an amused, dark-eyed gaze.
"Hiya there," Shisui Uchiha says, wiggling his fingers at him. Obito screams.
While Shisui is left in a state of bewilderment at his incredible distraction, Obito takes the chance to hightail it out of there. Unfortunately, he's blocked by another familiar face, and he finds himself backed into a corner - both figuratively and literally, despite his ability to walk through walls.
"Really though, what are you doing here? Minato seemed really out of it when he gave us this mission," Shisui comments.
"It's Hokage-sama," Itachi corrects blandly, like he's had this conversation hundreds of times before and knows he won't win. "What are these 'canon locations' you spoke of? Why are you here searching for Hatake-san?"
Obito opens his mouth to lie, then pauses. Really, the worst thing that can happen is that they don't believe him. Or take him back to Inoichi to melt his brain. Or kill him on the spot. Or—
He derails that train of thought and decides to go with his initial plan, because three heads are better than one, or whatever.
"I have reason to believe," he says slowly, "That Kakashi is alive."
Itachi and Shisui exchange a glance.
"Uh-huh ," Shisui draws out slowly, clearly disbelieving. "And what makes you think that?"
"Madara managed it," he blurts out first, like an idiot. Both of his cousins stare at him, and he decides to bulldoze on before they decide to abandon their niceties and just throw him into a dungeon with a trigger-happy psychiatrist. "There's this pretty fucked up plan, you see, and since he didn't get me , I'm assuming he must've gotten Kakashi. It's just science."
Clearly, his cousins still don't believe him, the assholes.
"Let me prove it to you," Obito offers, perhaps a little too hopefully. "If I can't find him within a week, I'll go straight back to Konoha with you, no questions asked."
There's a brief moment of silence, where Itachi and Shisui seem to have a full conversation with their eyes. Judging by Itachi's increasingly sour expression, Shisui is winning.
"Five days," Shisui eventually says, looking smug. "And we're coming with you."
Obito resists the urge to pump his fist. "Fine then. Let's get started."
"And how do you propose we find a supposedly dead man, who clearly hasn't left a trail up until this point, and who was a highly acclaimed tracker ninja who would've known how to cover up his tracks near-perfectly by the time he made jounin?" Itachi asks.
"Wow," Obito lets out, blinking. "I think that's the most I've ever heard you speak at once."
Itachi's expression falls deadpan, while Shisui snorts.
"Don't worry about it," Obito waves him off after a moment. "We'll find him."
He doesn't say that he has no idea what the fuck he's doing either, but he gets the feeling that both of his cousins can read the not-so-hidden subtext here.
"We'll just have to start looking in places he might like," Obito says, then grins as realization dawns on him. "And I know just where to start."
"I don't see how browsing… this … is helping," Itachi says, looking hilariously disgusted - for him, anyway - with the orange book Obito has in his hand.
"This totally makes sense, I promise," Obito says, skimming the writing between glances around. They'd been at this for three days now, going between bookstores, but he hadn't bothered actually looking at the thing until now. "...Damn, this is awful," he mutters, then raises a considering brow. "The writing itself is actually pretty decent though."
"Let me see," Shisui says, grabbing the book. As he reads over the page, his eyes widen. "What the fuck?"
"I know ," Obito stresses. "I can't believe Kakashi reads this stuff."
"I mean, he was known for having a stick up his ass, right?" Shisui mentions, scratching his chin. "He's gotta get his frustrations out somehow."
"Obito, Shisui."
"Maybe," Obito replies. "Or maybe he just likes fucking with people. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell."
" Obito. "
"I'm kinda wishing I had properly met the guy now. The way you talk about him seems totally different from all of the st—"
" HEY, " Itachi vocalizes, not quite yelling but scarily loud for him. Before either Obito or Shisui can say a thing, he jerks his head to the side, and they follow his gaze to a suspicious-looking man in a cloud-covered cloak.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Obito lets out, disbelieving.
"I thought this was your plan?" Shisui asks.
"I didn't think it'd work this well."
" Quiet ," Itachi murmurs, briefly flicking his Sharingan on. "Ah…," he lets out, eyes slightly wider than before. "His hair is silver…"
"Holy fuck," Obito breathes. "We got him, boys…"
"What now?" Shisui whispers.
"Autobots, roll the fuck out."
"What?"
The moment Kakashi leaves the building, Obito follows after him, leaving his cousins scrambling to chase after him.
"What are you—" Itachi begins, but Obito doesn't hear the rest, because he's too busy literally launching himself at his teammate.
" YIPPEE KAY YAY MOTHERFUCKER !" he screeches, then latches onto Kakashi's back like a demented, sentient backpack.
Kakashi tries to buck him off, but Obito's grip is unwavering, honed by years of sneak attacks on unsuspecting friends, and they both go tumbling to the ground. Obito bares his teeth in a wide grin, tears off the man's hat, and—
"Huh," he lets out, blinking. "I really thought this would be one of those Scooby Doo situations, but it really is you." Kakashi glares up at him from the ground, and Obito squints. "Probably one of those plot things," he dismisses, then grins. "So, hey buddy, how the fuck have you been?"
"I thought we were supposed to— oh my fucking god that's Kakashi Fucking Hatake ."
"It is," Obito agrees cheerfully, smirking when he sees Shisui's dropped jaw. "I told you so~"
"Get off of me," Kakashi snarls from beneath him.
Obito blinks. "Uh, no. I don't want you running off, dumbass."
"How are we going to get him to come with us?" Itachi asks, frowning at the silver-haired man.
"Preferably with cooperation, but I suppose we can use force if necessary," Obito answers, then turns towards Kakashi. "Whaddya say, buddy boy?"
The man opens his mouth to speak, only to choke on his words. Obito frowns, then abruptly remembers that he might have a little problem.
"Ah, shit. Force it is," Obito mutters, then turns towards his cousins. "He has a seal on his heart. We need to get that thing off, or we're not getting anywhere."
"How are we meant to do that?" Shisui asks, having (barely) collected himself. "It's not like a seal master will just drop out of the sky or something."
Obito briefly allows himself to imagine Minato-sensei falling from a skyward kamui before shaking his head. "No, but we can go to one. C'mon."
"What—" Shisui begins, only to get cut off when Obito drags them all through a kamui.
He regrets it almost immediately when his temples begin to pulse and his eye starts to bleed, but it's a small price to pay for salvation.
Anyway, the point is, they all drop in the middle of the Hokage's office, where Minato, Rin, and Kushina are still freaking out, and Obito waves at them from a pile of squirming limbs.
"Hey," he greets, pointing down at his not-dead teammate while smugly taking in the gaping expressions on everyone else in the room. "Found him."
"And that's how I saved Kakashi. The end."
"Woah," Naruto lets out, starry-eyed. "That's so cool."
Kakashi walks up to smack him on the back of his head. "Stop telling people that. I was not a damsel in distress."
Obito grumbles, rubbing the spot that had been struck. "Might as well have been. Don't I deserve a little love for that, at least?"
"You suggested that I Chidori myself in the heart and have Rin heal me when Minato-sensei and Kushina-nee couldn't immediately fix the problem," Kakashi points out dryly.
"I didn't say all of my ideas were good," Obito defends.
Kakashi rolls his eyes, like the rude asshole he is. Sometimes, Obito regrets saving him at all (he blatantly lies).
"At least I got you away from that—" Obito starts, only to pause. "Wait. Did we ever do anything about Zetsu?"
There's a brief moment of silence where Kakashi and Obito exchange looks.
"...Impromptu vacation?"
Kakashi's expression hardens. "I'll bring the weed killer."
"This is so therapeutic," Obito says over the sounds of plant-man screeches. "I do wish that he'd stop screaming about his mother though."
Kakashi huffs. "Just keep spraying."
A/N:
this is stupid, but in my defense, I wrote this while sleep deprived and sick
anyway, my pacing and organizational skills are incredible, i know, etc. etc.
aaand
Thank you forreading!