29th October 2004
Well I told Robert about what happened with Johnny and me while we were having breakfast. He ranted on; eventually I burst into tears and hid in the bathroom.
He banged on the door for half an hour yelling at me. I shouted through the door, very hard, as it's really thick, for him to stop yelling and to calm down.
He stop and I came out. He was looking down at me. I felt small and pathetic. I just looked into his eyes a started to cry again. I fell back onto the wall saying things that didn't make sense.
He asked me what did I let him kiss me. He voice was cold; he's never spoken to me like that before. I said I was confused, scared and unsure of what to do. I explained he kissed me. He said it was regardless who kissed whom, but I kissed back.
Robert looked at me. I was on the floor sobbing now. I felt so weak at pathetic. I've never been so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
But I didn't degrade myself to stay with Robert. I may love him but I won't be untrue to myself. I am strong without him. But my love for him allows me to need and want him. I love Robert so much. I need to love him and him me. I'd think I would die if he hated me. But I won't degrade myself for him. I may love and need him. But I won't dishonour my family, my ancestors or myself. Every woman in my family would hate me if I did.
He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. I fell onto him crying that I was sorry and I didn't ask for it to happen. He said he didn't mean to yell, he was upset. He said cold feet must have got the better of me, because I wouldn't usually do that.
I said I was so sorry and we couldn't just blame this on nerves. He kissed me. I felt this weird tingly sensation; it felt like he is the only person I'll ever want to kiss.
He pulled back and left me looking like a fish. I blushed and he laughed at me. I hit him playfully. He grabbed me and tickled be till I screamed for him to stop. We sat on the large balcony outside our bedroom.
He said he couldn't wait for New Years day to come. I can't either.