River and Jack talked about unimportant things as they drove to Jack's, and for the life of him, Ian couldn't pay attention to what they were saying. Oh, if someone would have asked him a question, he could have pulled himself together enough to remember what had been said and answer, but they weren't talking to him – obviously aware that he wasn't really in the mood for small talk. Not that he ever was. Instead, he spent the first part of thedrive with his cheek resting against Jaffer – who didn't seem to have anything he'd rather do than be cuddled by Ian just then – and tried not to fall asleep.

And failed, because the next thing he knew, Jack was nudging his shoulder gently and he heard a car door slam.

"Ian? Wake up, buddy, we're here."

Opening his eyes, he lifted his head and looked sleepily at Jack, who gave him a slight smile.

"You look beat."

Ian nodded, and let Jaffer go, amazed that the dog had so much patience. The lab bounded out the open door – dodging past Jack – and ran towards the house to find Sam, overtaking River, who was halfway to the door already.

"I feel awful."

"Yeah, it shows." Jack gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and moved so Ian could get out of the truck. Young and healthy or not, there was only so much lack of sleep and junk food the body will allow before it starts to demand that it has better nutrition and more rest, and Ian was right there on that verge. "We'll get a decent meal into you and get you into bed."

Ian stumbled getting out of the truck, but Jack caught him – although he might have been able to catch himself, Jack was just faster. After that, though, he gained his feet and his equilibrium, and managed to walk a little straighter as the two of them headed for the door.

"He looks terrible," Sam said to Shawn as they watched Ian get out of the truck and stumble.

River made it to the door just in time to hear the comment, and he flexed, making a show of trying to look better.

"Hey, I work out. I eat right and I run a lot. What more do you want from me?"

Sam smiled, and gave the cadet a hug.

"How are you, River?"

"Good, Major." He looked over his shoulder, and moved into the house and out of the doorway. "Better than some people…"

"Is he okay?" Shawn asked.

River shrugged.

"He's tired, I know… and… well, he looks like he's been dragged through it." River hesitated. "I'd bet he's still blaming himself…"

Sam shook her head, and patted Jaffer when he came back for another round of loving, and Shawn stepped up to the door to meet Jack and Ian as they came up. River had been right; Ian looked bad. Pale and beat – in more ways than one – and not at all like his usual cocky self. Of course, Shawn hadn't seen him since right before he'd been told about his parents, and he remembered with a guilty pang just what he'd said when he'd first heard that Ian was blaming himself for their deaths. He knew better now, of course, but it was obvious that Ian didn't.

Ian stopped at the step leading up to the door, looking at Shawn who was blocking the door. He felt a pang of guilt, and self-hatred, and remorse flooded through him. God, it was all his fault.

Jack hesitated, and started to say something to Ian, but Shawn moved outside and waved Jack in the door.

"Go ahead, Jack," he said, his eyes on Ian, who had paled even more – and Shawn wouldn't have thought that was possible. "Ian and I need to talk."

Jack nodded, and went inside, pulling Jaffer back in when the lab would have rushed outside to join Shawn and Ian. Sam looked at him, concerned, when Jack closed the door with Shawn and Ian on the other side.

"What-"

"Shawn wants to have a talk with Ian," Jack explained. "I don't think we should get in the way."

She hesitated, but only for a second. Of course Shawn should be the one to talk to Ian about this. He was probably the only one who'd be able to get through to him – although Sam had been intending to give it a shot. She nodded, and turned to River, who had stopped at the Wall to check it out like he did every time he came over, looking to see if there were any new pictures of Jaffer up. There was a leash missing, but that was the only thing different from his last visit.

"I was thinking about getting dinner started," Sam told him. "Want to help?"

"Sure."

He was always up for cooking.

OOOOOO

Shawn waited until he was certain that no one was going to come out the door, then he sat down on the step, ignoring the fact that the concrete was chilly and he wasn't wearing any shoes.

"Sit down, Ian…"

Brooks hesitated, but there wasn't really any choice. He sat down next to Shawn, not speaking or looking at him.

Shawn looked over at him, though, noting just how tired he looked, and how sad. It was how he himself would probably be looking if not for all the love and support that had been showered down on him since the moment he'd heard about his parents' deaths, and Shawn almost gave Ian a hug right then and there. But he held back, knowing that wasn't what Ian needed. Not right then, anyways. And probably not from Shawn.

"What happened wasn't your fault, you know…"

Ian shook his head, still not looking at him.

"It's all my fault, Shawn. It was my idea…"

"I gave them the tickets."

"Because I told you to. Over and over."

"I don't blame you."

Ian shrugged. He didn't need Shawn to blame him; he was doing a fine job on his own.

"Damn it, Ian. You need to pull yourself together. This wasn't your fault. It was an accident. A terrible thing that…" he stopped, choking up despite the fact that he thought he was over it all. "…that never should have happened… but it did… and it wasn't because of you. If anything, it would be my fault, because they weren't so sure they should take the time to go, and I convinced them otherwise. Me. Not you. You didn't do anything wrong, and neither did I. We were just trying to do a good thing – and it was a good thing."

He was quiet for a minute, watching Ian, who wasn't looking at him.

"You're a smart guy, Ian, but sometimes I think your memory gets in the way."

Ian looked over at him, and Shawn could see he was close to tears.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't forget things… most people; they live through something and then they start to forget about it. Someday I won't remember just how bad it hurt when I was told about mom and dad. I'll still miss them, but it won't be the horrible ache that it was at first – and that's already starting to fade a little. But you… you remember it like it was yesterday. I bet you still remember what it felt like to get shot, don't you?"

He nodded. He could remember it like it had just happened.

"That's your weakness, Ian," Shawn told him. "You can't forget the bad things like people should be able to, and it eats away at you. Probably it starts seeming worse and worse the longer you think about it, until it's so horrible, it's worse now than it ever could have been to start with." The way Ian brooded about everything, Shawn would have bet he was right on the money with that one.

He put his hand on Ian's arm.

"You can't let these things do that to you. We need you too much for you to fall apart like this – especially over something that you had no control over."

As much as he annoyed them with his temper and his snide comments and observations, Shawn was used to him being like that – and that was part of Ian's character. An integral part of it. And necessary.

It was obvious that Ian was considering what Shawn said – and Shawn knew he could have said it over and over again to make him aware of just how serious he was – but he only needed to hear it once, Shawn decided. Now he needed time to brood about it and think it over. Given that time, Shawn knew Ian would see he was right. He was a smart guy, after all, and it wasn't too complicated to figure out.

He shivered and stood up.

"I'm going inside."

Ian nodded, but didn't make any move to follow him. Sure enough, he was already thinking it over.