Time Marches On
Chapter 16
Mike could tell that Katie was unsure of Noah. She had always been such a good big sister. She and Hannah were unbelievably close and she had adored Lucas. It surprised Mike. Christine had slept in his bed that night, which made him happy, and Noah was settled in his new bassinet that Sasha had gifted them with, but Mike heard Katie up several times through the night, and finally; at five he got up and went downstairs to work out. Katie was sitting on the couch, staring at the Christmas tree.
"I can turn the lights on if you want me to?" Mike offered. Katie jumped in surprise and brought her knees to her chest.
"I'm okay." Katie answered in a shaky voice. Mike went ahead and turned the Christmas lights and various decorations on, knowing they made Katie happy and brought her joy. He walked into the kitchen and prepared two cups of hot cocoa, even though he would much rather have coffee. He sat Katie's cup on the end table next to her and sat down on the other side of the couch.
"I added the whipped cream, chocolate shavings and peppermint like you like." Mike said.
"You didn't have to." Katie said. She was still shaking and it bothered Mike a lot.
"Katie, we were doing pretty well before I went to St. Louis. Now you're terrified of me again. I am not going to hurt you. What do I need to do to prove it to you?" Mike asked after a moment.
"I don't know." Katie said.
"I know you are disappointed about Noah and your mom said that you are afraid to get attached to him in case Maddie shows back up. She also said that you are afraid that I will go with her." Mike remarked.
"I…am afraid of that." Katie admitted.
"Is there something else?" Mike asked. Katie stood up and started pacing around nervously.
"Wouldn't it have been better if I had just died? Mom is doing better everyday and Hannah is fine…I'm the one slowing everybody down. I feel…dirty all the time. I'm all scarred up and I go out and people stare at me. I know that day you and I went, I said it didn't bother me but it does and I'm just so tired. I close my eyes and he is there. I have nightmares where he gets in here and hurts us again, but he also kills you…there's blood everywhere and you are begging me to put pressure on a wound and I can't because I'm scared…" Katie told him between sobs. Mike was really wishing Christine was awake but Katie needed comforted and he had to be the one to do it. He stood up and pulled her into a gentle hug. The shocking part was that Katie just melted into him.
"Its okay, baby. Its okay." Mike said. He had never been the comforter. That was Christine's thing and she did it with ease. He was all about putting a roof over his children's heads, filling their bellies with food and making sure they had everything they needed. He was the protector, something he had failed at. And no matter what he did, he couldn't chase Katie's nightmares away. That killed him. She was sobbing into his chest and he rocked her back and forth.
"Its not, though." Katie choked out.
"Honey…no matter how many times I tell you that he can't get to you here and we will be fine; me telling you and you believing it are two different things. The only thing I can do is give you the ability to perhaps…protect yourself. There are classes I can get you into." Mike said, not knowing what else to say.
"I don't want to take some class. Can't you teach me? Don't you know that stuff?" Katie asked.
"I…can teach you a little but not everything. But…remember Azima? Sasha? Kara? They can help." Mike said.
"No…no. If I have to learn that, I want you to teach me." Katie said as she pulled away.
"I can do that. Would it help?" Mike asked.
"Dad…nothing will help this. As I said; it would have probably been better if I had just died." Katie said.
"Maybe for you but not for me or your mom, or Hannah. Noah, either. It would have robbed us all of seeing you recover. Of watching you become stronger. Sweetheart, I know it seems…absolutely terrible right now and it is; but you are the most selfless person I know. You are an amazing daughter and sister. What I need from you is to just hang on a little while longer. When it becomes overwhelming, don't sit here by yourself. Wake me or your mom up…even Hannah. What you are going through is too much to handle on your own. Promise me?" Mike asked. They both had sat back down on the couch and Mike waited.
"Okay."
"And another thing; we love you. I love you. I would not be okay if you had died. Having thought I had lost you for so many years hurt so badly. I know right now; it seems that you can't escape the nightmares but there will come a day that it will all just be a bad memory. You will be happy and maybe even have a normal relationship. Someone who won't stare at your scars, but will be proud because they have made you the amazing person I already know you are. Until that day comes, just lean into your mom, Hannah and I." Mike said. He put his arms back around Katie and she put her head back on his chest. Not shockingly, within just a few minutes; she was sound asleep and Mike wouldn't move a muscle.